You know this feeling like “you know who you are”? and seem glued to this image you created based on your previous actions, but very subjectively so: keeping the things you think were very good or very bad in your behaviour and attaching them to your own persona. Somehow you seem to know that actually you are not these “things” (thoughts, feelings, actions or how you think others perceive you) and somehow, strangely, you hang on to it, gripping it tightly with fear of loss so great it takes you and shakes you and puts you upside down until you return from the verge of letting go and settle comfortably back in the nice, secure image of your self. What are you afraid of?

“What is the worst that can happen?”

Really, darlings, what IS this WORST thing that can happen? A bit of change, a bit of embarrassment, a tad of fear? All fleeting emotions and mere sensations (bodily, I might add). 

Although it might seem extremely silly or simple to others, your own mind torture is the worst for you, or if you are skillful enough you can transfer it to an unfortunate who seems to be closest at the moment. 

Something rather peculiar happened to me with bad “habits” or let’s just call them “unhealthy behavioral patterns” – they seemed to have gone away without much effort. Just a turn of events and “puff” – gone. Past, history, never to trouble me again? Yes. I feel it in my gut.

You know that “gut feeling”? This one is the most proper. Only, sometimes our mind clouds the gut feeling. I would say there are three sources of that something that decides about our life – reasoning, emotions, intuition or even better: mind, heart and gut. The only issue is to have discrimination, to know and feel and understand which one is which, because more often than not they mix together. With some practice (attention) it becomes clearer.

That is how I decide about life: Gut. A bit of heart, a bit of mind, and a lot of gut feelings. I just follow. The more I follow, the better things turn out. Sometimes I need to be a bit brave, to let go of reasoning, to have the certitude that everything happens in my best interest. I am sure you have had the experience of having a gut feeling about something, but doing differently out of fear, out of wrong reasoning (something like: this is totally insane, I cannot do it), and then later you remember your gut feeling, you look back and you know It was too right, the most correct version of events. 

My gut is telling me something that will turn everything upside down. I have been going by my gut for a while now, and most people who know me think I am absolutely insane, or at least irrational. To be honest, I have not considered any of these life deciding moves to have been a complete failure, nor even bad – just the opposite – the best things I ever did. To spill it out. I am leaving University. Yes, again. I tend to start going all reasoning with you now, and already have one million excuses why and how this is not a bad thing, and not an especially good thing. I will be honest and tell you, I have a gut feeling that this is not what I should do now, and I will leave it at it. And we will see later (probably in three months time, that seems to be the gap lenght between posts) how it turns out. In the meantime, wait for the next episode of Gordana’s mildly insane life or just BE. And enjoy.

Lots of love to You.

G.