Što me sve nije opralo u zadnjih par tjedana, ne znam ni sama. Te sam bila u filmu da mi se ne ide doma – nikad, pa sam mislila, dobro, malo neka idem doma, pa malo neka sam tu, a ostatak vremena na sedmom nebu. Pa što ću ja doma, kako ću ja tamo, ovdje je tako dobro, ne želim nikad odavde otić’. A onda, joj, što ja ovdje uopće radim, jesu li ovi ljudi moji prijatelji, nikoga ionako nije briga, a i taj Guru, dođe, pa ode, pa gomile ljudi, pa nikad ja njega ne mogu vidjet. Bilo bi super kada bi ovo sve bilo na razini prolaznih misli, ali kad to dođe, pa krene centrifuga, emocionalno, fizički, mentalno, intelektualno. Vrti li ga, vrti. Toliko ga zavrti da nema izbora nego otpustiti svako očekivanje, svaku misao, svaku akciju, svaku anksioznost. Koliko dugo možeš držati šaku stisnutom? Par minuta? 10 minuta? Pola sata? Kakav je osjećaj kada je otpustiš?

I nakon takve jedne epizode, kad krene miiiiir – e to je onda najljepši mir na svijetu. Voćka poslije kiše. Sunce nakon oluje. 

S putom u Bugarsku je sve nekako počelo, htjela ja ili ne, znati ili prihvatiti, tada sam se zapravo iselila iz Zagreba, iako sam i nakon toga bila koji mjesec gore. Otišla sam u Dalmaciju, kažem Dalmaciju, jer relacija Zadar, Šibenik, Split, Brač, Makarska i nije jedno mjesto. Oscilacija. To je ta riječ. Ja sam jedna velika Oscilacija. 

Svi tražimo neku sigurnost, neku potvrdu da će sve biti stabilno, dobro, čvrsto. Ne daj Bože da bi se nešto slučajno promijenilo iz vana. A kod mene obrnuto, ja ga tjeram da se izvana mijenja, a iznutra šokovi, pa mirenja, samo sve kraće traju, sve manje intenzivno se odvijaju.

Takva mi je valjda karma – da se krećem, ili mi je samo Rahu (jedan od recimo nemirnijih astroloških perioda). 

Kada se izvrtio svaki mogući film vezan mi uz budućnost i način i primjenu života, ostalo je jedno. Okej, ako sam sad daleko od doma, vratimo si dom u srce, pa da vidimo. Nazvala sam sve moguće ljude koje sam mogla dobiti (ej, ne ljuti se ako tebe nisam nazvala ili poruku poslala, pa valjda i ti imaš slušalicu i tipkovnicu!), te sam danas nakratko pribjegla i starom hobiju – Candy Crush Saga, igrica na Facebooku. Umjesto da radim analizu web stranice, eto čime se ja bavim. A svi vi mislili da ona nešto naporno radi, pa uči i to sve, kad ono! Igra igrice. Usred igranja sam počela automatski razmišljati o strategiji kreatora igrice, i svim mogućim izračunima koje koriste kako bi vidjeli što ljude tjera da kliknu “igraj još jednom” i da se stalno vraćaju, jednostavnost, želja za pobjedom, osjećaj “ma samo mi je jedan falio”. Shvatila sam da igrica ima malo veze s vještinom igrača, a mnogo veze s emocionalnim sklopom kojeg mnogo, ili svi ljudi nose u sebi, a developeri iskorištavaju. Manipulacija. Taj dio bi bio sjećanje na izvanjski svijet u kojem živimo, a obitelj mi je dala unutarnji uvid onoga čega bi mi moglo nedostajati. Ono čega mi zasigurno ne nedostaje su pažnja i ljubav. A opet, iako je zajednica ugodna i velika, ipak je svatko nekako tu sam za sebe i radi svoje i brine se za sebe. Pomoć će doći, ali na kraju si uvijek sam. Jer ako se previše oSLONiš na druge, onda će oni biti krivi ako ne pođe sve kako smo htjeli. Onda već razvijamo umjetnost upiranja prstom, i neprihvaćanja odgovornosti. E, a di si sad? Opet se moraš vratiti sebi i vidjeti što možeš učiniti sam za sebe, počevši od sebe, prema Sebi, a sve s namjerom da na kraju vidiš da si ti jedan, ali istovremeno ne-odvojeni dio jednog Velikog Sebstva. Cijeli ovaj svemir, kreacija, manifestirano i nemanifestirano je ionako jedno biće, jedan organizam, koji kad “udahne”, kisik se širi po cijelom tijelu, ide u sve sustave. I tako sam ja isto jedna stanica, jedan mali dio tog Velikog Organizma, i ako sam ja zdrava i vesela stanica, i ostale oko mene će početi biti vesele i zdrave, a onda ako nas je puno veselih i zdravih, i druge će se “zaraziti”.

Sri Sri je pred 12 000 ljudi na indijski Dan Nezavisnosti tako jednostavno rekao. “Ako osoba nije sretna, onda može stvarati probleme oko sebe. Ako je osoba sretna, onda može samo širiti sreću oko sebe.”

Gdje sam sad došla? Krenula od stanja uma i došla do sreće? Ma ništa na ovom svijetu nije problem. Ovaj svijet je tu samo da ti podari svoje slatke plodove, a ako pregrizeš košticu i osjetiš gorčinu imaš izbor pljunuti i isprati usta, ili pustiti da se gorčina razlijeva po ustima i žaliti se kako je gorko.

Tko bira? Ja biram. Kako to da znam da imam izbora? Imam to iskustvo. 

Kad imaš neko iskustvo, na temelju toga možeš drugome govoriti. Kad iza riječi ne stoji iskustvo, teško da će se riječi pronijeti daleko. 

Naravno, možeš imati i negativno iskustvo, i na temelju toga razvijati ukus za svijet u kojem živiš. Samo se sjeti da je koštica gorka, a plod sladak, samo imamo tendenciju pamtiti trunkicu gorčine u beskonačnoj slatkoći.

Shvati i znaj da si voljeno biće. Ako ne vjeruješ, pitaj me, ja te volim.

Gordana

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What all did not pass through my system in the last few weeks. Firstly I did not feel like going home – ever. Then I thought, ok, let me go home for a bit, I can also be here for a bit, and the rest of the time I will spend in space. What should I do at home? How will I go there, it is so good here, I never want to leave this place? And then, oh my, what am I doing here, are these people my friends, no one cares anyways, and that Guru, he comes and goes, and then the crowds, I never get to see him. It would be great if I could have seen all this at the level of fleeting thoughts. But, when it comes, the tumble commences, emotional, physical, mental and intellectual. It tumbles and tumbles. It tumbles so much that in the end there is no other choice but to let go, let go of every expectation, every thought, every action, every anxiety. How long can you keep your fist clenched? A few minutes? 10 minutes? Half an hour? What is the feeling when you finally let the fist open?

After this kind of episode is followed by a peace – the most beautiful peace in the whole world. A fruit tree in the sun after the rain. The coming of the sun after the storm.

It all started with Bulgaria, whether I want to accept it or not, know about it or not, that is the moment when I moved out of Zagreb for good, even though I was coming back for shorter periods of time. I left for Dalmatia, I am as vague as Dalmatia, because moving between Zadar, Šibenik, Split, Brač and Makarska does not quite include staying in one place. Oscillation. That is the word. I am one big Oscillation.

We are all searching for some security, some confirmation that everything will be stable, good and firm. God forbid letting something on the outside to change. With me it goes the other way around, I make everything on the outside change, and suffer shocks on the inside, then calm down, and the churning is shorter every time, or just less intense.

I guess my karma is that I move a lot, or is it just Rahu? (one of the more eventful astrological periods).

Once every single possibility of how the future, my way of life and application of the same might look like took its turn, one thing remained. OK, if I feel I am far away from home, let me take my home into my heart and then see. I called every possible person that I could in the given circumstances (hey, do not be mad if you have not received a call or sent a message, I am assuming that you too have a receiver and a keyboard!); and then I went on and played Candy Crush Saga, a Facebook game. Instead of doing a web site analysis, that is what I am doing. And you all thought, she must be working very hard, learning new things, but no! She is playing computer games. Half-way through a level I automatically thought about the game creator’s strategy, how they must use different statistics to find out what makes people to click the ‘play again’ button and come to play again – is it simplicity of the game, the desire to win, the ‘I almost got it this time’ feeling. I understood how the game itself has little to do with the skillfulness of the player, but much more to do with the emotional configuration that most people carry with them, and developers take advantage of. Manipulation. That particular part would be a memory to the outer life we seem to live and my family gave me an idea of what I could be missing. What I surely do not miss is attention nor love. But then again, even though the community is big and pleasant, everyone seems to be on their own and take care of him or her only. Help will be available, but you are always on your own. If you start depending on others too much, they will also start becoming responsible if things do not go, as we wanted them to go. There we are already starting to develop the art of blaming others and not accepting responsibility. So, where are you at then? You again have to turn to your own self, and see what you can do for you, starting from you, towards you with the intention to in the end only see that you are one, but simultaneously undivided part of the Big Self. This whole universe, the creation, the manifest and non manifest is one being, one organism which when breathes in, the oxygen starts spreading throughout the one body and goes to all the separate systems. So am I, one cell, one small piece of that Big Organism. If I am a healthy and happy cell, others around me will start being happy and healthy, and if there are many of us who are happy and healthy, others will catch that as well.

Sri Sri said it so simply in front of 12 000 people for India’s Independence day: “A happy person doesn’t go and disturb anybody, he only spreads happiness. It is the unhappy people who create more unhappiness in the society.”

Where am I now? I started from the state of mind and came to happiness. Nothing in this world is a problem. This world is here to gift you its sweet fruit, but if you go on biting the spit and feel the bitterness, the choice whether to spit and wash your mouth or let the bitterness spread into your mouth and complain as to how bitter it is, is yours

Who is making the choice? I am. How do I know that the choice is mine? I have that experience.

When you have a certain experience, based on that can you speak to someone else. When there is no experience to back up your words, they will hardly spread on.

Of course, you can also have a negative experience and based on that develop a taste for the world you live in. Just remember that the spit is the only bitter thing, the fruit itself is sweet. The tendency is to remember the tiny bit of bitter in the infinite sweetness.

Realise and know that you are a being that is love. If you do not believe it, ask me, I love you.

Gordana