Guru kaže: “Vježbaj biti sretan, tome te ne mogu naučiti.”

Nakon 10 sati u autobusu, 16 sati u vlaku, eto me u Durgapuru, na drugoj strani granice. Prelazak je bio naporan utoliko što nam je trebalo neka 3 sata da se dovučemo iz Birajgunja (nepalski granični gradić) do druge strane granice i stignemo na vlak za dlaku. Počinjem razumijevati da je putovati ovdje, ukoliko nije avionom, normalno da traje koji dan-dva-tri-četiri. Što jeftinije, to je svakako i dulje. Zasada mi je još sve relativno novo. Doputovala sam u klasi 3AC (treći razred s klimom), a otputovala u jednoj niže. I iskreno, kao što mi je bilo rečeno, nije nikakav problem. Malo je prljavije i ima više ljudi, ali su srdačniji i hrana je domaća, nema čipsa i keksa, već klice, pečene grahorice, samose i svašta nešto. Ali naviknula bih se, tj. navikavam se. Zaboravljam da sam daleko od doma, i nisam više niti povremeno u filmu da mi nedostaje Zapad. Sada sam tu. Joj, kad se samo sjetim ekipe u ambasadi. S obzirom da sam tamo provela nekoliko dana po nekoliko sati, rekla bih vječno, naslušala sam se najrazličitijih situacija u kojima su se ljudi našli i gomilu i jedan prigovor. Sad sam i ja jedna ista, prigovaram na njih, hahaha.

Uglavnom, ono što sam primjetila je ta neka bahatost, nerazumijavanje. Ono što se meni u početku ovdje činilo, da su ljudi jako neobični, da je sve nelogično, i znam da se ponavljam, ali vlada neka druga vrsta logike. I ono, brate, ako dolaziš tu na praznike, bar se potrudi malo shvatiti tu logiku. Da tebi bude ugodno.

Najbolje da se osvrnemo na jednu novu temu. Smisao života. To je jedno od pitanja na koje Guruji ne odgovara, već kaže da samo tako nastaviš, pitaj se, pitaj se tko si, zašto si ovdje, čemu služiš…

I pitam se, ponovno. Nalazim razloge za sreću, i sretna sam s njima. Život se pobrine za sve, ali uvijek neka doza sumnje, neki trn u oku, nešto smeta, sreća je nadohvat ruke, a uvijek neuhvatljiva. Čak i meditiranje je uživanje, kama. Biti bestrasan, štogod došlo. Bilo dobro, bilo loše, bilo lako ili teško. Ne vezati se. Obično mislimo da je vezivanje dobra stvar, i iskreno, nemamo puno izbora, vežemo se. Što si bliže sebi, lakše je biti blizu drugima. 

I tako sam se i ja vezala. Za mjesto, za osjećaj, za ljude. Za ljude pogotovo. Zavezana. Za mnogo stvari. Voljela bih letjeti i gledati i veseliti se i voljeti. Ali uz to očekujem, planiram i ovisim. Drago mi je upravo sada da to znam.

Najbolje da nabacim jednu meditaciju za bestrasnost.

Pola sata kasnije.

Entuzijazam mi je naglo porastao. Shvatila sam da sam umorna, jer sam noćas spavala samo dva sata, pa da sam u skladu s tim i u glavi umorna. Kad smo umorni, toliko nam je teško bilo što prihvatiti, razumjeti ili voljeti. Koja promjena. Iznenađena sam utoliko što mi se činilo prije pola sata da je život upravo onakav kako sam se osjećala, ali sada vidim da nije tako. Tko zna onda što je bezuvjetna i nepromjenjiva istina, ako se perspektiva temeljito mijenja od malog nivoa energije do malko većeg.

Da stavim stvari u kontekst. Prije meditacije osjećala sam se loše, teško, tužno. Osjećala sam boli rastanaka koje sam doživjela i koje još imam doživjeti. Osjećala sam da je teško biti gdje jesam, i da će mi biti još samo teže. Opet promjene, opet sve nešto novo, a staro. Pritom mislim na prijelaz iz ovog trenutnog života u ashramski. Tko zna čemu vodi ovo iskustvo? Umjesto da se bojim, dramim oko toga što dolazi, mogu sjediti sada ovdje i uživati u onome što je: jedan prijatelj pije vodu, jedan uči svirati gitaru, a treći gleda sapunice. Sad ćemo kuhati sami večeru i upravo sam dobila najljepši mail u posljednjih dugo dugo vremena. Sretna sam kao nova godina, mislim da je život prekrasna ekspresija ljubavi same, i to iz onog unutarnjeg stanja bivanja, gdje znam da je tako, i teško da će se promijeniti, možda samo na trenutak, kada ponovno jednom budem na kratko umorna.

Sjeti se što je sve lijepo u tvom životu, i zahvali se samoj sebi/samom sebi na tome što postojiš, imaš ruke, noge, glavu, krov nad glavom, prekrasne prijatelje, roditelje koji se brinu (u smislu da su zabrinuti, a i smislu da paze na nas), svijet koji je i lijep i ružan, ali češće lijep, priroda koja nas hrani, podržava i trpi. Samo se sjeti na čemu sve možemo biti zahvalni. I uživaj u osjećaju. Nezamjenjiv je.

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Guru says: “Practice to be happy, that I cannot teach you.”

After 10 hours on the bus, 16 hours on the train, here I am in Durgapur, on the other side of the border. The crossing was exhausting in the sense of taking us some 3 hours to drag ourselves from Burajgunj (Nepali border town) to the Indian side. We just managed to get the train at 10. I am beginning to realise that travelling here, if not by plane, is normal to take a day or two-three-four. The cheaper, the longer. It is all new to me for now. I travelled here in 3AC class, and travelling back in Sleeper. Honestly, sleeper is no problem at all. A bit dirtier, and more crowded, but people are more friendly, and the food is better, no crisps and biscuits, but samosas and sprouts and and fried channa (chickpeas). I could get used to it, or rather I am getting used to all this. 

I keep forgetting that I am far away from home, and I do not miss the West in that sense of comfort, not in the least. I am here now. When I only remember people at the embassy. I spent a few hours/days in the waiting room there, which at times seemed like an eternity, I heard many complaints and stories of situations people found themselves in (like having been requested a previous visa proof, that is in an old passport, ownership of the expired passport being illegal in a particular country, but still requested for without compromise). Finding a million different complaints. Now I am also like them, complaining about these people, hahaha. I noticed a non-understanding in them, a feeling of “I am above you”. I also experienced in the beginning a lack of understanding why thing were happening, I repeat myself; a different kind of logic is present here. And, dude, if you are here on a holiday, at least make a small effort to understand. For your own comfort.

Let us change topic. To the meaning of life. That is one of the questions Guruji does not give answer to, but rather says, keep asking yourself that question, question who you are, why you are here, what purpose you serve…

And I wonder, again and gain. I find reasons for happiness and I am happy with those reasons. Life takes care of everything, but still there is doubt, a thorn in our vision, the happiness is just there – but unreachable. Even meditation is kama, enjoying/indulging. To be dispassionate, come what may. Whether good or bad, easy or difficult. Not to get attached. Usually we consider attachment as a good thing, and honestly, often there is no choice, we do get attached. The closer you are to yourself, the easier it is to connect to others.

So have I got attached; to the place, to a feeling, to people. Especially people.

Tied. To many a thing. I wish to fly, observe, rejoice and love. But along with that I expect, plan, and depend. I am glad to be aware of that just now.

Half an hour later:

My enthusiasm drastically went up. I realised how tired I was, having slept for two hours last night, and being sleepy in my mind as well. When we are tired, it is hard for us to accept, to understand or love unconditionally. What a change.

I am surprised at how life looked as heavy as were my emotions at that time, but now I see it is not like that. Who can then know what unconditional and unchangeable truth is, if the perspective changes so drastically from a lower to a  higher energy level.

To put it into context: before meditating, I felt bad, low, and sad. I felt all the pains of separation that I have already experienced and are yet to be. I felt it is hard to be where I am at now, and that it will only be harder. Thinking of the shift that has to be made from what is now to my Ashram life. Who knows where all these experiences are leading me to? Instead of being frightened, and making it into a drama for what is yet to come, I can sit here now and enjoy what is. That exactly is: a friend having water, the other learning how to play guitar, the third watching soaps on TV. We will shortly be making dinner, I just received what is the most beautiful e-mail in a long time. I am happy as can be, and feel that life is a beautiful expression of love itself, coming from an inner state of being, where I know that that is how it is, and is not going to easily change, maybe only for a few minutes when I will be tired again.

Remember what all is good in your life, and thank yourself for existence itself, for having arms, legs, a head, a roof over your head, amazing friends, parents who care and worry, the world that is beautiful and ugly, but mostly beautiful, nature that feeds us, supports us and puts up with us. Remember what all you can be grateful for. And enjoy the feeling. It is irreplaceable.