Točno mjesec dana manje jedan dan otkako sam krenula na svoju prvu nepalsku avanturu, sam se vratila u Ashram. Krećući odavde, minuciozno sam isplanirala kako ću produžiti vizu i vratiti se u roku od 10 dana, najviše 12, skupa s putovanjem vlakom. No, život je imao druge planove.

            Odmah slijedeći dan u Kathmanduu sam upoznala “lokalnog stranca” koji mi je bio više po ukusu od turista i hipija. Dan kasnije sam upala u super ekipu…a sve ostalo je povijest.

            Planovi su tu da se mijenjaju, zar ne? Ovog puta nije bilo potrebno samostalno mijenjati planove, promijenili su se sami. Ured za vize mi je pomogao kad im se pokvario sustav za plaćanje i tako odužio cijeli proces, a Nepal sa svojim predizbornim bandh-om me zadržao još dodatnih 10-ak dana. Već sam rekla mnogo razloga zašto me Nepal osvojio, a bit će ih sigurno još, i nemoguće za povjerovati, ali imam osjećaj da bih tamo mogla, a i željela živjeti. Moji planovi imaju naizgled male izglede da će upaliti, ali uvijek upale. Oduvijek je bilo tako, samo se onda počelo pokazivati na većim stvarima, počevši s Bugarskom. Pa onda Island. Pa Zadar, Brač (pogledaj stare blogove). Pa Indija! Svaki put je put mogućnosti bio jako uzak, poput ušice igle, ali svaki put sam prošla. Nadam se i ovaj put… Vjerujem da se uvijek dogodi ono što je najbolje za mene.

            Svaki puta kada dođem u neki novi svijet na prvu mi je sve čudno, na drugu se stopim s okolinom, a na kraju se osjećam kao da sam tu oduvijek bila i želim ostati zauvijek. Put me tada obično vodi dalje. Pitam se hoće li jednom stati?

Kažu mi da se planovi ostvaruju bolje ako se zapišu, pa evo:

Voljela bih jednog dana ponovno posjetiti Island, ovog puta možda u ljetnim mjesecima da vidim malo više krajolika od bijelih snježnih bespuća.

Voljela bih jednom živjeti neko vrijeme u zemlji gdje se govori francuski, ili bar biti u društvu Francuza neko vrijeme da napokon savladam jezik pošteno.

Voljela bih još puno puta otići u Englesku.

Voljela bih putovati po Indiji sa svojim najdražim animatorom.

Voljela bih se uvijek vraćati u Zadar i na Brač.

Voljela bih živjeti u Nepalu.

I na kraju: voljela bih voljeti. Pitanje ljubavi. Ima li ljubav pitanja? Ima ih glava. Ionako ti ljubav nije u glavi, već u srcu. Srce kaže da, a glava mora naći načina da se složi.

Kod mene je to većinu vremena sve jako zbrkano, a da ne kažem da sam se posljednjih godina nedostatkom uspješne odnosne ljubavi tješila fiksacijama, i božanskom ljubavi. Tako će uvijek i biti, jer je odnosna ljubav ionako sadržana u božanskoj. Ili i jest ona sama.

“Put ljubavi vrlo je uzak, Tamo dvoje ne mogu ići.” kaže Kabir. U ljubavi samo je Jedno. Jer sve Jedno je.

P.S. Guruji je ovih dana ekstra zabavan za satsanzima. Nema puno ljudi, priča nam svakakve priče, ničim izazvan. Atmosfera u Ashramu je lijepa i mirna.

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            It took exactly one day less than one full month for my first nepali adventure. Leaving here I had a detailed plan to return in 10 or 12 days at the most. But life had other plans.

The first day in Kathmandu I had met “a local foreigner” who appealed to me more than the tourists and the hippies. The day after I came to know the gang. Everything else is history.

            Plans are there just to be changed, correct? This time I had no need to change them as they did it on their own. The visa office computer breakdown helped by prolonging the process, and Nepal added 10 more days with the pre-election bandh. I already mentioned some reasons as to why I love Nepal, there will be more, I am sure of it, so is it impossible to believe that I could and wish to live there? My plans normally seem impossible, but somehow they become possible. It was always like that, even since I was a kid. It only started to show on a larger scale ever since Bulgaria. Then Iceland. Then Zadar, and Brač (view previous blogs, starting in 2010). And India! Every time the passage looked very narrow, but somehow I got through it. Hopefully this time will be the same. I trust that what is best for me will be.

            Every time I come into a new world I find everything to be very strange, very quickly I blend in and in the end it seems as if I had been there since all time and wish to stay forever. Paths usually take me elsewhere. I wonder will I stop at some point?

It is said plans have a better chance of coming true if written down, so here goes:

I would love to visit Iceland again, this time maybe go in the summer to see more than the endless white

I would love to live in a country where French is spoken, or at least have French-speaking friends to finally speak the language properly

I would love to go to England many more times

I would love to travel India with my animator friend

I would love to always come back to Zadar and Brač

I would love to live in Nepal.

In the end, I would also love to love. The question of love; does love have questions? The head does. We do not find love in our heads, but in our hearts. The heart says yes, and the head ultimately has to find a way to agree.

I have been finding the question of love truly confusing; in a succession of failures, I found comfort in divine love. That is how it will always be, anyways, is it not that any kind of love in relationships is contained in divine love? Or is divine love itself?

“Very narrow is the path of Love. Here two cannot go.” says Kabir. In love there is only one. Because everything is One.

P.S. These days Guruji is extra fun at satsangs. There are less people and he’s telling us all sorts of stories, without even being asked. The atmosphere is beautiful and peaceful.