“Ja sam dušo, doista, nepopravljiv egoista” kaže Bora Čorba. I ja sam, Bora, i ja sam. Svi smo mi egoisti, samo gledamo svoje dupe, svoje zadovoljstvo, svoju ugodu. Tu i tamo provirimo nosevima u svijet izvan svoga ne bi li kao nešto uredili, “popravili”, a sve u svrhu ostavljanja traga ili da se osjećamo dobro. I znamo da je to tako. I znamo da su svi takvi. I ostajemo živi.

            Nepal, Nepal, Nepal. To mi je početak svakog toka misli ovih dana. To je ona spika kad je nešto izvan onoga sada, sigurno je bolje, zanimljivije i bolje će mi ispuniti rupu, prazninu koju osjećam iznutra. Samo opet i iznova prolazim identičan proces: veselim se stvarima izvan sebe, osjećam sreću i ispunjenje u događajima, ljudima i mislima. Sreća tako dobivena je kratkotrajna, koliko možeš dugo osjećati sreću zbog nekog pozitivnog razvoja događaja? Ono, sretna si dan-dva, i onda krene neka nova problematika. Aha, sada je to riješeno, ali na tapeti je sada još ovo i ovo i ovo i ovo i ovo. I u beskraj. U beskraj s pričama, s planovima, s idejama, s nadom da će tamo biti ljepše, bolje, zanimljivije. Da me izazovi pokreću je istina, što luđi, to bolje po moj entuzijazam. Na kraju se izmučena, isfrustrirana mislima, planovima, nemogućnošću da ZNAM budućnost, okrećem sebi, ulazim unutra, i putujem prozračnim oblacima svog vlastitog svemira. Unutra se nalazi beskonačno jastvo; njegovu srž, ili sastavnicu predstavlja Guru. Guru Tattva, guru princip – što je sebstvo, jastvo, ja, cjelokupna kreacija, svemir, beskonačnost vremena, oblika i prostora. Sve je sadržano u jednom, i sve jest jedno istovremeno. Ja sam sve i sve je ja. Istovremeno neodvojivo, prividno dvoje, troje, petero; višestruko.

            Nakon što se povučem unutra i dođem u ono stanje odmora, mirnog uma i untarnjeg zadovoljstva, više ništa ne moram tražiti niti na čemu inzistirati, sve se događa samo od sebe. Danas sam razgovarala sa šefikom, i “odobrila” mi je odlazak u Nepal. Idem polovicom drugog mjeseca! Dogovorile smo se što trebam raditi do tada, i od tada. Sve onako normalno, ljudski, bez drame. Bojala sam se što će biti. Taj um je toliko varljiv i promjenjiv da često pribjegavam raznim načinima provjere, što je najbolje za napraviti. Prije bih samu sebe uvjerila da znam što treba i išla bih u to bezglavo (a kao sada je puno drugačije?), a kada mi ne bi uspijevalo, ona bih utapala tugu u alkoholu. Sada to riješavam na slijedeći način:

            Iznutra dolazi neki glas koji mi govori što bi bilo dobro, onaj “gut feeling”, intuicija. Sada ga već prepoznajem i slušam. Doduše, sumnje mi dolaze, pa se bojim da ne napravim nešto “krivo” ili na neki način da ne izaberem “duži put”, obilazak. Zato se oslanjam na nekoliko izvora. Jedan je Guru,  noviji je Devi kamen, a treći je Theta. Ove načine smatram izvanjskima, a opet znam da kroz njih dobivam čišću informaciju o onome što je unutar mene, što možda golim okom vidjeti ne mogu. Koristila bih i karte, ali nemam ih ovdje (Katina, kad budeš dolazila u Nepal, donesi mi Oshine karte!). Guru. Guru mi odgovara tako što sjednem u njegovu fizičku prisutnost, naviru mi iznutra neka pitanja ili dileme, i bivaju odgovorene mojim glasom, iako ih ja čujem kao da mi on govori. Drugi način je da dođem do njega i pitam na glas, on odgovara. Zatim Devi. Devi kamen je kamen u kojem se nalazi princip božanske majke, Devi. Kamen je veličine prosječne mačke kada se sklupča. S njim putuje i Rishi (“vidioc”) koji pita kamen, a kamen odgovara sa da ili ne. Kako? Rishi pita nešto i kaže ako je odgovor da, kamen budi lagan, ako je odgovor ne, kamen budi težak. I diže ga, on pruža ili ne pruža otpor, ovisno o odgovoru. I Theta. Thetom mogu puno toga vidjeti i doznati, ali nekada mi bude teško sama razlučiti kad se tiče mene osobno, pa potražim pomoć od kolega praktičara, pa kroz njih thetom dobivam odgovore.

            Guru je rekao da idem živjeti u Nepal, Devi kamen je rekao da idem, i Theta je rekla. Znala sam sve to i prije, no nisam sigurna u svoje ideje i želje, i prevrtljivi um, pa mi je trebala potvrda, da nisam luda (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA). Pečat je pao. I onda je još i šefika sve potvrdila. I to je to. Tehnički detalji kao posao, mjesto življenja i to su mi manje sada opterećenje, kad znam da idem, radim na tome i znam da će sve doći na svoje.

Sad imam posla. A život teče dalje svojim tokom, i neka me voda odnijela.

            Od drugih zanimljivih događaja je taj da smo kolegica i ja sanjale istu vrstu sna, iste noći. Pričale smo sutradan ovako:

– E, sanjala sam sinoć nešto čudno. (to i to.)

– I ja.

– I osjećala sam se tako.

– I ja!

– Onda se dogodilo to.

– I meni!!!

– I završilo je ovako.

– Aaaaaaa!!!!

            I još jedna nova seoska avantura, vjerovali ili ne, išla sam u salon za ljepotu, na depilaciju i pedikuru. Znam da se nekima može činiti kao intimna informacija, pa evo, sada upozoravam, tu možeš stati čitati. Iako to je najintimnije što imam za podijeliti. Došla sam kod tete u naručeno vrijeme, ali sam morala na wc, pa me odvela kod sebe doma, i usput mi zgrijala mlijeka pa sam joj i djecu upoznala i s njima se igrala. Zatim smo otišle u salon veličine kupaone, i tamo sam obavila sve što sam imala uz publiku još tri mlade studentice (je li to oksimoron? jesu li studentice ujedno i mlade? u mom slučaju ne, ali ove su bile).

             Je li to sve, pitam se? Uvijek imam toliko toga za ispričati, kada bih imala više vremena samo bih vam pisala (ili sebi, sjeti se početka, egoisto).

Pozdravljam tvoje veliko Jastvo. Jai Guru Dev.

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“I am honey, just an incurable egotist” says Bora Čorba, a Serbian singer. So am I, Bora, so am I. We all are egotists, only looking to save our own back, to have pleasure, comfort. Here and there we have a peak to the world out there, one that is outside our boundaries in the pursue of doing something to rectify the wrongs. All in the purpose of leaving a trace or feeling good about ourselves. We know that is how it is. We know that everyone is like that. And yet we live.

            Nepal, Nepal, Nepal. It is the beginning of my every thought chain these days. When something is outside of what is right now, it must be better, more interesting and it will fill the hole, the void I feel on the inside. The same, identical process, is being relived time and again: I look forward to the things that are outside of me; I feel happiness and fulfillment in events, people and thoughts. The joy attained out of that is short-termed, how long can you feel happiness because of a positive turn of events? You are happy for a day or two, and then some new problems come up. Ok, now this is settled, but next is this and this and this and this and this. Away to infinity. Infinity of stories, plans, ideas, in hope that it will be nicer, better, more interesting. Challenges do move me, that is the truth, the crazier, the better it is for my enthusiasm. But in the process I also feel like being tortured, frustrated by thoughts, plans and the inability to KNOW the future, and then I turn to myself. I go inside and travel the clouds of my own universe. Inside is the infinite Self; and its core, or its main component that is represented by the Guru. The Guru Tattva, the guru principle – which is the Self, the soul, the I, the creation in its totality, the universe, the infinity of time, shapes and space. Everything is contained in one and all is one simultaneously. I am all and all is I. At the same time inseparable, seemingly two, three, five; multifold.

            After retreating inside and coming to that state of rest, a peaceful mind and inner comfort, there is nothing I need to seek or insist on, everything happens on its own. I talked to my boss today and she “approved” that I can leave for Nepal. I will go mid February! We agreed on what I will be doing till that time and from then on also. In a normal, humane way, without any drama. I feared the outcome of that talk.

The mind is so tricky and changeable that I often find ways of double-checking. Before, in life, I would convince myself that I knew what to do and would go ahead with it, without the head (now it is very different?) and when it would fail, I would drown my sorrow in drinking. Now I do it differently:

             There is an inner voice that tells me what would be good, the “gut feeling”, intuition. Now I can recognise it and listen to it. However, doubts come, so I fear doing something “wrong” or choosing the “longer path”, a detour. I use several resources to help. One is Guru, the newest is the Devi stone and another is Theta. I consider these to be outside of me, even though I still know that through these I am getting the purest information on what is already there, in me, I only have trouble seeing it clearly. I would normally use cards, as well, but they are home (the other home; Katina, bring my Osho cards when you’ll be coming to Nepal).

Guru. I get his answers in the following ways: sit and meditate and feel the answers come. Or sit in his physical presence, and then all the most relevant questions and dilemmas come up and receive answers that come in my own voice, even though I hear his words. Or the clearest is to ask him directly, he gives answers.

Then the Devi. The Devi stone is a stone that contains the principle of the divine mother, the Devi. The stone is the size of a regular cat when it curls up to sleep. The stone is accompanied by a Rishi (“a seer”) that asks the stone yes/no questions. How exactly? The Rishi asks a question and then says “if the answer is yes, stone be light; if the answer is no, stone be heavy”. Then he lifts it, and the stone resists or not, depending on the answer.

And Theta. With Theta I can see and find out lots of things, but sometimes when I am personally involved it can be hard for me to see, so I ask my colleagues, other practitioners for assistance.

            Guru said to go live in Nepal, Devi stone said to go and Theta said yes. I knew it before, but I am not sure about my ideas and desires and tricky mind, so I needed some confirmation that I am not crazy (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). It got my stamp. And then my boss was also positive about it. And that is it. The technical details like job, place of living and all that are smaller issues, now when I know for sure I am going, I am working on it and I know it will all fall into place.

There is work to do. Life goes on in its own pace, I’ll go with the flow.

            Other interesting events include the same type of dream my colleague and me had, the same night. The next day we had the following conversation:

– Hey, I had a weird dream last night. (telling the dream in short)

– Me too.

– I felt this and this.

– Me too!

– And then this happened.

– To me too!!!

– It ended like this.

– Aaaaaaa!!!!

 

            Another adventure in the village near to the Ashram happened, believe it or not, I went to a beauty parlour, for a depilation and pedicure. I know some might feel this is a matter of certain intimacy, so there I am, warning you to stop reading. Even though the most intimate part is already shared. I arrived at a scheduled time, but had to use the toilet, so she took me to her house, and also gave me a cup of hot milk. I met her kids and played with them for a while. Then we went to the parlour, the size of a bathroom, and there what was needed was done with an audience of three other young student girls (is that an oxymoron? are students normally young as well? not in my case, but anyways, these were).

            Is that all, I wonder? I always have so many things to tell, if I had more time, I would just write to you all (or am I writing to myself, recall the beginning, you egotist).

I greet the Big Self in You. Jai Guru Dev.