Kad pitaš boga, on ti fala bogu i odgovori.

            Samo pazi što tražiš! Tražila sam od boga savršeno zdravlje. Ali bog voli igru (God loves fun)! Ne daje olako (nisam rekla lako, jer njemu je sve lako; nego olako!) sve što pitaš. Ako si tražio kišu krompira jer ti usjevi nisu uspijevali, oštetit će ti i kuću i usjeve. Naravno da se igra. Kreacija bi bila dosadna bez igre. Ako tražiš zdravlje, a nisi ga pazio, onda ga treba i zaslužiti nazad (bar ja tako vjerujem). Ne jer je bog zloćko, i ne da ti što hoćeš, nego kakvog smisla ima da ti da nešto na gotovo, a ti onda opet sve isto? Uloženi trud praćen je poštovanjem i zahvalnošću.

Neću u detalje, koga uopće zanima dijagnoza, analiza i sinteza? Što želim podijeliti je razumijevanje koje mi je sinulo: uložiš, pa cijeniš više kad dobiješ (karma yoga, joga djelovanja). Koliko sam u životu provela vremena po doktorima, pretragama, dobivala čuda od dijagnoza. A uvijek sam bila nešto boležljiva (čitaj: tražila pažnju). Razočarana sam i doktorima i dijagnozama i terapijama, tu i tamo bi se pojavio netko suvisao i rekao istinu i dao najbolju moguću terapiju – koliko se u svijetu otrova može… Neću sada u detalje o uništavanju tijela nepotrebnim kemikalijama koje kratkoročno otklanjaju simptome, a ne liječe cjelokupni sustav koji zovemo organizmom.

Trenutno mi se terapija sastoji od toga da dišem i vježbam više, jedem i ne jedem određene stvari (nije neka strašno restriktivna dijeta), pijem ayurvedske lijekove (koji se sastoje od praha biljaka, bez ikakvih dodataka) i bila sam i na kranio-sakralnoj terapiji, gdje praktičar u pravilu pomaže tijelu da se samo oporavi.

Nije mi ništa, samo me treba malo poravnat / se trebam malo poravnat.

Još lijepo i tečaj tišine nakon Božića, i sređena sam.

 

***

            Dogodilo mi se ono o čemu sam pričala, toliko želim zadržati šaku stisnutom, da više nije mogla izdržati, morala se otpustiti. Opet ashramska centrifuga. Ovdje je stvarno Harry Potterov svijet magije. Školica za čarobnjake. Kad izađeš vani, da si spreman na ono što te čeka.

            Sve se mijenja, sve što sam ikada mislila da je stalno ili stabilno se izobličuje, mijenja, raste, stišće. Svaki put kad pokušam uhvatiti stabilnost za nogu, dođe potres. Tko se još hvata za oblake da ga prenesu preko oceana? Svi mi. Idemo plivati skupa, obarat ćemo rekorde!

            Um mi je mutan, realno ne vidim ništa, ali srce mi je jako i otvoreno bez straha. Otvoreno za tebe, draga i dragi, jer jedino tako preživljavam na ovoj planeti. Jednom mi je prijatelj rekao, kada sam ga pitala kako da se “postavim” prema osobi s kojom sam imala problem, kako mu je mučno od ljudi i njihovih “postavljanja” situacija. Ako želim nešto riješiti, da ne smišljam što i kako i kada da kažem, nego da otvorim srce i pustim ga da priča, bez zamisli i planiranja.

Sve su to igre koje igramo, mi ljudi, kako bi se zaštitili od bola, osjećaja nepoštivanja, straha od gubitka. Sve te emocije koje dolaze iz uma su jedno veliko nezahvalno govno. I sve ovo što pišem na kraju krajeva dolazi iz jednog malog uma. Ovog ovdje, iz ove male tikve koju zovem svojom glavom.

“Samo se opusti i pjevaj brate.” – to je moj savjet dana. Pjevaj i neka sve nestane, neka se sve istopi, neka nestane svaka misao iz glave, neka bude šuplja i prazna, a srce veliko. To ja radim.

Stvarno volim ovo postojanje, ovu priliku što sam tu, što sam voljena. Voli me, voli se, voli sve.

 

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When you ask god, thank god he answers.

            But be careful what you wish for! I asked god for perfect health. But God loves fun. And does not easily give (I am not saying that it is not easy for god to give, but that he does not do it easily!) everything you ask for. If you asked for a rainfall of potatoes because your crops have not been good, it will create damage to your house and crops. So, god plays, of course. The creation would be no fun without the game. If you are asking for health, and have not previously taken care of it, then you need to deserve it back (at least I believe that). Not because god is naughty, therefor does not give what you want, but because one would take it for granted (acquired effortlessly) and the same would happen again. With effort comes respect and gratitude.

            I am not going to get into details, who all is really interested in diagnosis, analysis and synthesis? What I am interested in sharing is the understanding that – investing gives respect to what you have got – karma yoga, yoga of action.

How much time I have wasted seeing specialists, taking tests. I was always a bit weakly (read: needy). I am so disappointed with doctors, diagnosis ad therapies. Every now and again a sane person would show up, tell the truth a give a relatively suitable therapy – as suitable as can be in a world of poison. Do not get me started on the destruction of the body with unnecessary chemicals that remove symptoms on a short term basis, but do not cure the totality of the system we call our organism.

At this given moment, my therapy is to breathe and exercise more, eat and not eat particular foods (it is not very restrictive), taking ayurvedic medicine (whose content is no more than crushed plants, no additives) and I had cranio-sacral therapy, where the practitioner basically encourages the body to self cure itself.

It is nothing, really, I just need to pull myself together.

A nice silence course after Christmas and I am settled.

 

***

            What I talked about (and I always talk from my own experience) happened. I wished so hard to keep my fist clutched but it came to its limit and I had to let go. Ashram is set on tumble again. Here it is really like the magical world of Harry Potter. School of wizardry. Once outside, you are ready for whatever awaits.           

            Everything changes, whatever I considered to be constant or stable keeps distorting, changing, growing, contracting. Every time I attempt to take stability by its leg and hold on, an earthquake takes me by surprise. Who is still trying to hold on clouds to securely cross over the ocean? We all do. Let us swim together, we shall break records!

            My mind is blurred, realistically I can see very little, but my heart is open and fearless. Open for you darling reader, because that is my only way of surviving on this planet. Once a friend had told me – when asked how to act in a situation with a particular person I had an issue with – how it sickens him to see people pulling up “acts”. If I wanted to resolve something, to not think of what, how and when I will do it but rather open my heart, let it speak without any plan. These are all the games we people play to protect ourselves from pain, the unease of disrespect, fear of loss. All the emotions that I mentioned are just a big ingrate peace of crap. Even all I am writing here now comes from one small mind. This one here, from this little pumpkin I call my head.

You just relax and sing, my friend. That is my advice of the day. Sing and let everything disappear, let it dissolve, let every thought vanish out of mind, let the head be hollow and empty, and the heart big. That is what I do.

I truly love this existence, the opportunity to be here, to be loved. Love me, love yourself, love all.