oSLON

naSLON

Kakve veze ima slon s cijelom pričom?

Nešto se dogodilo, neki odmak se uspostavio.

Sve što druga osoba može za nas napraviti je potaknuti ono što mi sami ionako možemo.

Sve što sam ikad mislila i osjećala da je ispravno odjednom je nestalo s vjetrom, i jedino što je ostalo je jedno veliko ništa. I to ništa ne traži ništa.

Trebala bih se osjećati prazno, ali ne osjećam se nikako. Radim ono što je tu predamnom, povremeno mi misli lutaju u budućnost, ali bez anksioznosti, bez brige, bez držanja za izmišljenu viziju onoga što bi moglo ili ne bi moglo biti.

Um povremeno zapaničari iz navike, kaže što ćeš sad? Kad je sve prazno. Ali iznutra je praznina koja nije prazna, nije ni puna, samo jest. Koji god plan mi pada napamet, brzo se gubi. Štogod zamislim da bi trebalo ili bih ja trebala nekako se istopi odmah. Ne ostaje. Ne ostaje u smislu da se više na to ne oslanjam: da moja sreća, i sreća drugih vezanih uz mene ne ovisi o tom planu.

Nešto osmislimo i izgleda izgledno, i odlično, i velike su šanse da se ostvari (šanse su onolike koliko mi u to vjerujemo), i ta zamisao nas čini sretnima. A sretnima nas čini jer osjećamo sigurnost. Čim se kula karata počne treskati od malo jačeg daha, počinje frka. Nestaje stabilnost, nema se na što osloniti, tlo pod nogama se gubi, te kaos, uplašenost, panika… Što sada? Brzo smisliti novi plan za sebe. Kako bi se slon povratio.

Neću ništa konkretno ovog puta reći, iako bih mogla, ali čemu? Da vas zabavim s još jednom pričicom? (bez brige, bit će toga još, ali ne danas).

Od trivijalnosti:

Danas je sunčan dan u Bangaloreu, 25 stupnjeva uz lagani vjetrić.

U uredu, gdje radim u timu koji se zove WEB tim, nema interneta.

Slušam Eelse, prošlogodišnji album, čini mi se da je “E” s godinama malo promukao.

Želim ti ugodan trenutak.
Želim ti iscjeljenje.

Želim ti sreću.

Ali ne u budućnosti, već UPRAVO SADA.

Daj se nasmiješi, neće ti se mišići upaliti.

Smijeh.

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Something happened, a distance has been established.

Everything another person can do for us is only to incite whatever is within us already.

 

Everything I ever thought and felt was right is suddenly blown away with the wind, and the only thing left is one big nothing. And that nothing is not searching for anything.

I should feel empty, but I am not feeling anyhow. I am doing whatever is in front of me, occasionally my thoughts wander into the future, but without anxiety or worries, without holding on to a made up vision of what could or could not be.

The mind panics now and again, out of habit, and says: what are you going to do now? Now when everything is empty. There is an emptiness inside that is not empty nor full, it just is. Whichever plan comes to mind, quickly resides. Whatever I imagine tends to instantly melt. Just does not stay. Does not stay in the sense I no longer use it as a crutch. That my own happiness, and the happiness of others connected to me does not depend on that imagined plan.

We think of something, and it looks executable and an excellent idea. The chances for it to happen are big (as big as we can trust in it to happen) and that very thought makes us happy. It makes us happy because we feel secure. As soon as the house of cards starts shaking from one single breath out, the panic starts to come in. The stability disappears; there is nothing left to lean on, an earthquake occurs and what? Chaos, fear, panicking… What to do? Quickly make a new plan! For the crutch to recover.   

I will not give you any concrete data this time, even though there are things to share, but what for? To entertain you with another silly story? (no worries, it is like that just today).

Trivialities:

It is a sunny day in Bangalore, 25 degrees with a light wind.

At the office where I am in a WEB team, there is no Internet.

I am listening to the Eels, last year’s album, it seems that Mr. E’s voice is more hoarse.

I wish you a pleasant moment.

I wish you healing.

I wish you happiness.

But not in the future, RIGHT NOW.

Come on, smile; your muscles will not suffer an inflammation.

Laughter.