Bilo bi zanimljivo snimati lica ljudi za vrijeme čitanja bloga. Postoje vjerovatno i luđe stvari, ali postoji software za analizu ponašanja korisnika na određenim web stranicama koji zabilježava kretanje miša i pomicanje gore-dolje po stranici. Doslovno gledaš snimljen video kretanja osobe po stranici i na temelju toga zaključuješ što je na stranici neprivlačno korisniku. Nevjerovatno. Veliki Brat nas gleda. 

Privatnost ti je poslužena na tanjuru. No, ja ne marim mnogo za svoju privatnost. Neka svatko zna što hoće znati. Ionako sve ovdje napišem kad-tad, i bez zadrške odgovaram na sve upite. Što je privatnost uistinu? Ionako se sve kad-tad dozna.

Evo ti jedan sočan, ali ne toliko neočekivan komad moje privatnosti: prop’o mi Nepal. Tamo sam se zatreskala, i bila bih zvijezde s neba skidala, krenulo me pošteno. Ali eto, desio se kratki spoj. Struja s one strane prestala je teći (čitaj: nije nazvao). Suludo. Suludo je to koliko sam opušteno spremna dizati planine za druge, bez velikih očekivanja. Kažem bez velikih, jer neko očekivanje je uvijek tu, nažalost. Baš neki dan sjedim s dvoje ljudi kojima se baš bilo svidjelo da me zovu Gordana, ne Goga, ali nikako im nije išlo zapamtiti ime. Gordana ih je potsjetilo na ime Govardhan, indijsko muško ime. Priča ide kako je bila velika oluja i jedan od bogova je podignuo veliku planinu Govardhan, i svi su se sklonili ispod nje. Tako sam postala i planina. Kao da nisam i prije bila. K’o od stijene odvaljena.

I uistinu, malo sam se mučila (čitaj: patnja teška), malo se čudila, malo čekala i prvi put u životu donijela odluku temeljenu više na pameti, nego na srcu. A to je ne ići u Nepal. Šteta. Koja šteta. Koja zemlja, koji ljudi. I dalje vjerujem da ono što je za moje najbolje dobro pobjeđuje. Vjerujem da mi bog ne omogućuje ostvarenje želja koje nisu dobre za mene. Očito Nepalu nije sada vrijeme. Bila, vidjela, bilo je lijepo, idemo dalje.

A kako sad to? Guru je rekao, kamen je potvrdio. Samo nekoliko dana kasnije od odluke da ostanem u ashramu, gledam video i kaže tamo: Prosvijetljena osoba će reći ‘ne’, samo ako je manje od 5% šanse da se nešto ostvari, ili ako stvarno nije dobro za osobu. U tom trenutku kada sam pitala, sve se slagalo, i mogućnost je bila energetski otvorena. Ali stvari su se promijenile. Kao što Guru kaže: izbor je tvoj, blagoslov je moj. Neće on odlučiti umjesto tebe, ali ono što se mora dogoditi, dogodit će se. Zahvalna sam svom nesuđenom princu što se nije javio odmah u startu kako ne bih morala nakon mjesec-dva otkriti da sam možda donijela krivu odluku. Ono što sam naučila je da želje, osjećaj povezanosti, razumijevanja na prvi pogled, privlačnosti, pogodne situacije ipak nije dovoljno da to bude ‘ono pravo’. Učinilo mi se na tren da to, ‘ono pravo’, postoji, ali sad opet mi se čini da ipak ne.

Kako kaže Oliver: Vjeruj u ljubav. Ne znam o kojoj ljubavi on priča, u koju ljubav da vjerujem? Nisam izgubila povjerenje u svetost ljubavnog odnosa, ali mislim da i ljubavni odnos potpada pod osjetilna uživanja poput dobre hrane, dobrog filma itd. Sve je to divno i krasno, ali nije to to. Nije to ono što će mi (nam?) život učiniti toliko ljepšim ili svetijim. Život ima da je lijep i svet svakog trenutka, svakog udaha, bez obzira na zamisao o sigurnosti koji nam je u glavi.

Sada je vrijeme da ozbiljno razmislim o životu časne. Hahaha. Šalim se, nije tako. Pitala sam Devi (kamen) i potvrdila je da ne idem u Nepal sada, i da ne vidi nikog na vidiku prije 2015. Kao što sam već rekla ranije, vjerujem da Devi i Guru ne govore ono što ima biti, najuzvišeniju istinu. Prvo, da takva istina postoji iz pogleda malog uma, ne bi je znali podnijeti, a drugo, mislim da je ta istina promjenjiva, iz razloga što imamo malko nečega što se zove slobodna volja.

Čini mi se da neke stvari moramo proživjeti, zato smo na zemlji, takva nam je karma, to nam je karma. Moje razumijevanje se razlikuje utoliko što smatram da se neka karma može odraditi brže i spretnije. Bez zapinjanja i traćenja beskonačnog vremena. Detaljnije, rekla bih: možda umjesto da sam cijeli život “potrošila” u odnosu s nekom određenom osobom, kako bi se karma razriješila, sve se riješilo u nekoliko tjedana vremena. Uštedila sam! 

            Netko je pitao Devi kamen jesu li ljudi sa planete zemlje, i rekla je da nismo. Zatim je bilo pitanje jesu li biljke i životinje s planete, to jest. Onda sam se ja ubacila i pitala dolazimo li sa sazviježđa Plejada, na što je Devi rekla da da. Eto, i to je potvrđeno.

Imam još jednu novu zanimaciju, učim se kranio-sakralnoj terapiji – CST. Molim, pitaj google, jer se ne osjećam kao wikipedija trenutno, doduše, pričat ću sigurno više slijedećih mjeseci na tu temu. 

Veselim se. Ne znam što mi bi da se uvaljujem u učenje biologije i medicine, ali eto, vuče me, jer je iscjeljiteljska tehnika.

Novi plan nalaže da se vraćam doma doma krajem 4. mjeseca. Žudim za mirisom mora i bora, škripom tramvaja u zavoju, okusom bureka (ajme!), i pogledom na zalazak sunca na orguljama. Vidimo se ekipa!

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It would be interesting to make record of people’s faces while reading the blog. There must be greater things, but… A software exists that records the user’s behaviour while browsing a web page, the mouse movements as well as the scrolling. You literally watch a video made of the person’s movement on the page and accordingly decide what is wrong or uninteresting on the page. Unbelievable. Big Brother is watching.

Privacy is served. I care not much for my own privacy. Let everyone know whatever she or he wants to know. I write about everything, more or less, and answer questions without holding back. What is privacy, truly? Anyway everything come out in the open sooner or later.

Here is one juicy but not as unexpected piece of my privacy: Nepal went bust. I had a genuine crush and would have done anything that was needed, already started to. But what to do? A short circuit occurred. The current did not flow from the other side (read: he never called back). Insane. It is indeed insane how genuinely relaxed I am about lifting mountains for others, with no big expectations. I say, no Big ones, because unfortunately there are always some expectations. The other day I shared a table with two people who really liked my full name instead of nickname, but could not remember the pronunciation – Gordana. The name reminded them of the name Govardhan. The story goes how there was a big storm and one of the gods lifted the Govardhan mountain and all the people hid beneath it. As if I had not been the same before – rock solid.

Really. It was a bit of torture in the beginning (read: suffering miserably), a bit of wonder, a bit of a wait and then made a decision for the first time in my life that was based more on reasoning rather than heart. And that is not to go to Nepal. A shame. Such a shame. What a country, what people. I still trust that whatever is for my very best always wins. I believe that God does not let me have wishes fulfilled if they are not good for me. It was not time for Nepal, obviously. I saw it, it was beautiful, let’s move on.

Now, how is that possible? Guru said, the stone confirmed.

Only a few days after having made the decision to stay at the ashram I was watching a video where it says the following: only if there is less than 5% chance that it will not work out, or it is really not good for the person is when the enlightened one will say no. At the moment I was asking, everything fell into place, the energy was supportive for it to happen. But things changed, as Guru says: the choice is yours blessing is mine. He will not take the decision for you, but what needs to happen will happen. I am grateful to my never-to-be prince for behaving the way he did right from the start, not to have discovered the same a month or two too late.

What I learned is that desire, the feeling of being connected and understood, the attraction and a favorable situation is all not enough for it to be the ‘real thing’. I thought for a moment there that the ‘real thing’ really exists, but now it seems to me that it does not.

Oliver (a Croatian singer) says: Believe in love. I do not know of which love he talks about, which is the love I should believe in? I have not lost faith in the sanctity of a love relationship, but I do think that a lovers relationship goes under the same category with sensory pleasures like good food, a good film etc. All that is nice and cosy, but it is not It. That is not what makes life so much more beautiful or more sacred. Life should be beautiful and sacred each moment, each breath, no matter the security we hold on to in our head.

Now is the time to seriously reconsider a life of a recluse. Hahaha. It is a joke. I asked Devi (the stone) and she confirmed not to go now and that she does not see anyone for me until 2015. As I said earlier, I believe Devi and Guru do not say what is to be, the ultimate truth. Firstly, if there was such a truth on the level of the small mind, we would not know how to digest it. Secondly, I feel this particular truth is changeable, because there is a tiny thing we call free will.        

I feel some/all events are there to be lived through, that is why we are on this earth, that is what our karma is. My understanding further is that I believe some karma can we worked off faster and more skillfully.

With no stumbling or spending extra time. In more detail, I would say: instead of spending a whole lifetime with a certain person, to clear out the karma, only a few weeks time was enough. I saved time!

Someone asked Devi stone if humans were from this planet, she said no. Then she was asked whether plants and animals are from this earth – that she answered yes. Then I came in and asked if we are coming from the Pleiades constellation, and the Devi said yes! So, that is confirmed.

I have a new interest, I am learning cranio-sacral therapy – CST. I beg you to ask google, because I do not feel like going wiki on you now, but will surely talk more on the topic in the next months. We will learn anatomy and physiology and have lots of practice. I do not know how I got into learning medicine and biology, but it is inviting as it is another healing technique..

The new plan is to come home (my other home) as planned earlier, at the end of April. I long for the smell of the sea and pine trees, the screech of tramways turning, the taste of ‘burek’ (a cheese pie) and the view of the sunset at Zadar’s sea organ. See you guys!