Jučer sam imala lijep proces, pa ga želim podijeliti s vama.

Prvo, gledam seriju video predavanja koja se zove Ashtavakra Gita, što je manje važno, ali ne i potpuno nevažno. Naslov predavanja jučer je bio “Otpuštanje briga.”

            Cijeli dan sam radila i radila, i na kraju dana sam bila umorna, gladna i nesretna. Zapala sam na kratko u ono stanje kad mi se ništa ne da, ni jede, ni ne jede, ni spava, ni ne spava, ni pjeva, ni ne pjeva, ni meditira. Ono stanje, kada se poželiš zavući u krevet usred bijela dana i zaspati silom. A kad to napraviš, um te toliko siluje mislima da se ne možeš ni pošteno onesvijestiti na par sati da te prođe nezadovoljstvo. Zadnjih mjeseci kad bi me to uhvatilo, ne bih si dopustila predugo lamentiranje, nego bih se natjerala da odem na satsang (pjesma, ples, meditacija i znanje), pa bih se tamo “izliječila”. Kako? Ako bih bila tužna, dobro bih se isplakala i otpustila nakupljene emocije, ako bih bila nervozna, dobro bih se ispjevala, pa bih došla u stanje bez ijedne misli, ako bih bila umorna, u meditaciji bih našla duboki odmor, a ako bi me mučile naizgled nerješive misli, riječima utjehe i razumijevanja bi se sve razriješilo.

            Jučer sam se tako žalila, i osjećala kako tonem sve dublje i dublje (sve se to odvijalo u pola sata). Odšetala sam kući i spremala se za satsang, da se to sve otpuhne i nestane, ali sam ostala u razgovoru s prijateljicom. U tom razgovoru zbog nečega što je ona rekla, ili zbog nečega što sam ja shvatila dok sam slušala svoje riječi –  se odjednom sve preokrenulo. Shvatila sam mehanizam:

            Od kad mi je prop’o Nepal, osjećala sam kao da ništa više nije zanimljivo tu, pa sam se usredotočila na odlazak kući, uvijek je bolje nešto što ne znaš kako će biti. Guruji kaže da srce voli staro, a um novo. Dakle, savršena kombinacija – idem “kući”, u Hrvatsku, tamo gdje mi je sve poznato, a opet će sve biti novo. Ja sam nova, ljudi su novi, situacije će biti nove. Isprva sam zamišljala idealnu sliku: trčim po plaži u kratkim hlačama, valovi šuškaju, sunce sija, a ne prži. Dragi prijatelji, poznata mjesta i uzbuđenje zbog novina. Onda je sanjarenje izgubilo čar i uslijedile su brige: idem kući, k mami, nemam svoju sobu, neću imati novaca, morat ću si kuhati… Sve brige svijeta su mi se sručile na glavu. Spoznaja koja me izvukla iz te zapetljancije je slijedeća: zamišljam unaprijed kako će mi biti, temeljeno na mašti ili starim sjećanjima/impresijama – izmišljam budućnost i onda sam i nesretna jer vjerujem da će se sve loše dogoditi onako kako zamišljam. EJ! Brinem se zbog nečeg što sam sama izmislila o budućnosti na temelju nekih starih iskustava – jel’ to neki sprd? Ovaj um je zbilja jako zabavan, samo šteta je što ga toliko ozbiljno shvaćamo i temeljimo cijeli svoj život na njemu, a on je promjenjiv poput vjetra.

            Ne mogu znati budućnost (iako…nećemo sada o vidovnjaštvu, drugi put), a želim je ugrabiti i onda još i stvoriti milion predrasuda o njoj. Nije li tako? Nije li tako stalno? Odlučimo da će nešto biti ili super, ili grozno – izmišljene projekcije. Koliko često kažem: bit će kako bude (que sera sera)? Bez onog pasivnog stava, pih, nije me briga, bit će što bude, morat ću to prihvatiti kako god. Kada nešto ne možemo prihvatiti onda kažemo: moram to prihvatiti. A ako nešto prihvaćamo po defaultu, onda nema potrebe da to prihvaćamo. Prihvaćamo samo ono što nas odbija. Reci: bit će kako bude, dajem sve od sebe da bude onako kako ja želim da bude, a ako ne bude, bit će onako kako je najbolje za mene. Ne možeš znati budućnost, a čak i kada je možeš znati, ona se mijenja cijelo vrijeme. Gledala sam Ted talk s tinejdžerom koji govori ovako: kad smo mali, odrasli nas pitaju što želimo biti kad odrastemo i misle da trebamo reći astronaut ili nešto slično, ali mi smo djeca i ne razmišljamo o profesijama. Ja kad odrastem želim da mi bude dobro kao što mi je sada, želim biti sretan.

Zaboravi na fiksne ideje o budućnosti, budi sretan sada, i bit ćeš sretan i tada.

I ne zaboravi napraviti sve što treba za smjer u kojem želiš ići.

            Priroda te podupire kada se potrudiš, a ako ljenčariš, samo će te izvrnuti iz viseće mreže za ležanje da se probudiš.

________________________________________________________________

            I had a beautiful process yesterday, so I want to share it with you. Firstly, I am watching a video series of talks named the Ashtavakra Gita, which is less important for this story, but not totally insignificant. Yesterday episode’s title was “Letting go of worries”.

            I worked and worked all day long to find myself at the end of the day to be tired, hungry and miserable. I shortly fell into that state of being when one does not feel like doing anything, neither eat or not eat, sleep or not sleep, sing or not sing, not meditate. That kind of state of being where you only wish to be tucked in bed in broad daylight and instantly fall into a long dreamless sleep. But then your own mind is bombarding you with thoughts that you cannot pass out for a few hours and let the dissatisfaction pass. The previous months when I would get caught in these situations I would not allow the lamenting to go on for too long, I would rather make myself go to satsang (song, dance, meditation and knowledge) and cure all ailments there. How?

If I were sad, I would cry my heart out and release all those fermented emotions, if I were agitated, I would sing until I would come in a state of no thoughts, if I were tired, I would find a deep rest in meditation, and if I would be bothered by thoughts that seemed not to untangle easily, words of comfort and understanding would do the trick.

            Yesterday I complained so much, felt like sinking deeper and deeper into it (all in all it took about 30 minutes). I walked home and started to get ready to go to satsang, so it all washes away, but I stayed back to talk to a friend. In that conversation, I am not sure if it was something she had said or something I understood while listening to my own words being spoken – suddenly everything turned around. I understood the mechanism:

            Since Nepal went bust, I felt there is nothing more of interest here, so I focused on going home; there is always something better in that what is about to be. Guruji says the heart likes the old and the mind the new. The perfect combination – I am going “home”, to Croatia, there where everything is so well known to me, and then again it will be knew. I am new, people will be new, and situations will be new. At first I imagined the ideal image: running on the beach in shorts, the waves making gentle whooshing noises, the sun shining and not burning. Dear friends, known places and excitement for the new things. Then the daydream lost its charm and worries followed: I am going home, I do not have a home of my own, I will stay with my mom, I do not have my own room, I will not have money, I will have to cook for myself… All the world’s worries came pouring on me.  Knowledge that took me out of this particular entanglement is as follows:

I imagine upfront how it will be for me, based on imagination or old memories/impressions – I am inventing the future and then I am unhappy because I believe something bad can happen based on what I am imagining. COME ON! I worry about what I myself have made up about the future based on previous experiences – is that some kind of joke? This mind is really a lot of fun, it is just a pity that we take it seriously and something we base our whole life on, and it changes at the wind blows.

            I cannot know the future (let us not go on about divination now, some other time) but I wish to grasp it and create a million prejudices on the way. Is it not like that? Is it not like that all the time?

            We either decide something will come up as good or terrible – invented projections. How often do I say: what will be will be (que sera sera!)? Without a passive attitude, I do not care, what has to happen will happen, anyway I will have to accept it. When we cannot accept something then we say: I have to accept it. But when we accept things by default, then there is no need to accept! We accept what we resist. Say: what will be will be. I am giving my best that things go my way, and if they do not, what is best for me will happen. You cannot know the future, and even if you can, it keeps changing. I watched a TEDtalk with a teenager that says like this: when we are kids adults ask us what we want to be when we grow up thinking we will say something like an astronaut. We are children and we do not think in terms of professions. When I grow up I want to feel good like I do now, I want to be happy.

Forget about your fixed ideas about the future, be happy now and you will be happy then.

Do not forget to do EVERYTHING that is needed for the direction in which you want to move.

            Nature supports you when you make an effort, but if you are lazying out, nature will only throw you out of that hammock, so you wake up.