PROMIJENILA JE PLOČU

            Zatvorilo se jedno poglavlje (otišle su mi cimerice – suputnice). Uskoro se zatvara još jedno veće poglavlje (otići ću i ja). Mislim da mi je već toliko dosadno samoj sa sobom da jedva čekam tu promjenu. Fakat sam predugo na jednom mjestu i svrbi me da se krećem. Iako se u ashramu sve kreće, pa se ni ne moraš puno kretati, ipak! Godina dana na jednom mjestu je puno za mene.

Malo sam nestrpljiva, ne? Iako sam u zadnje vrijeme poprilično zatreskana u ashram i život u ashramu i ljude i sve… te sam počela imati Theta i CST tretmane svaki dan, pa i dvaput dnevno. Kako su mi se iselile ove moje tetke, vratile se kućama, njihove sam krevete iskoristila kao mjesta za terapiju. Htjela sam se baviti iscjeljivanjem od samog dolaska u ashram, pa se i ta želja ostvarila (Ashram ima moć. Moć ispunjavanja želja.).

POSTIGLA JE ŠTO SAMO NAJHRABRIJI USPIJEVAJU

            Još nešto je u procesu ostvarivanja, na čemu sam baš mnogo radila, a to je da nam dolazi neljuta hrana za ručak u ured. Malo sam osjetljiva na ljuto u zadnje vrijeme, pa jedem previše paratha, kako ne bi jela ljuti ručak (paratha je, u mom svijetu želje za tijestom i sirom u jednom, zamjena za burek).  Dakle, nakon 10 mjeseci gnjavljenja, pitanja, žaljenja, sastanaka, zahtjeva i ostalih vrsta interakcije s minimalno 5-7 ljudi, uz pomoćno stiskanje od strane dragih mi i poduzetnih kolega: od slijedećeg tjedna nam dolazi neljuta hrana u ured. Heureka! Ili možda da se ne ponadam prerano. Učim se tome da u životu postoji nešto što se zove strategija. U Indiji sve ide uz puno strpljenja, igre okolo kole i komunikacije u rukavicama – kako onda doći do onoga što želiš? Ranije bih to nazvala muljanjem i manipulacijom, ali nije baš sasvim tako. Jednostavno moraš znati što kome reći kada. Učim se. Već sam se prilagodila nekim lokalnim običajima, poput prave Indijke preskačem redove. To je samo još jedna strateška igra. Više ništa ne čekam: dođem, odradim, odem. Preko sve sile ljudi, bez trunke osjećaja krivnje. Pa ne mogu biti zadnji kreten i čekati dok se svi drugi ubacuju – tko je jači taj kači.

Imam malu prednost jer sam bijela i svi me već znaju, i to nekada iskorištavam, a šta sad? – budimo iskreni.

MISLI O ZEMLJAMA 

            Hrvatska kao dio Balkana, smatra se prilično nazadnom u odnosu na “Europu”, ali ipak smo mi u jugoistočnoj EUROPI, a sad i u Uniji. Imamo autoput – jedan ali vrijedan, još k tome osvjetljen. Imamo kuće, auta, nasljedstva. Dobro nam je, ne borimo se za kruh naš svagdašnji, možemo se obrazovati. Imamo vremena za izlete i đabalebarenja, ženimo se i rastavljamo kako nam se ište (bar nas ne osuđuju na smrt ako smo gay). Pitao me jedan čovjek ovdje tko je predsjednik Europe. Daleko smo mi od ovog svijeta, zaštićeni smo. Živimo u središtu svega, usred gomile malih zemljica koje su najbogatije na svijetu. Kako je jednom rekao moj brat od neke druge majke: ‘nisu oni svi siromašni, mi smo brutalno bogati’. Da, većina svijeta (nemoj me sad s postocima i matematikom, pogledaj kartu svijeta i već će ti odokativno biti jasno što želim reći), zbilja većina ne da je siromašna, nego je takva kakva je, a manjina svijeta smo mi bogati, što se razbacujemo glupostima, žudimo za nečim što nemamo i sanjarimo o svjetskoj slavi.

RAĐA NAM SE PODUZETNICA

            Sad kad sam to rekla, mogu reći i da prvi put u životu hoću neke pare zaraditi. Hoću li ili ne je drugo pitanje, ‘želim’ je krucijalno. I to ne da bih imala i osjećala se dobro, već da mogu ostvariti ono što želim ostvariti, a za to ne bi škodilo imati neku paru. Planovi se čuvaju poput sjemena, malo pod zemljom, ne preduboko, ne plitko, da proklija kad se zalije. 

IZ DANAŠNJE LEKCIJE SAM NAUČIO/LA

           Ono što sam naučila ovdje je biti gruba, tj. pokazati grubost, imati autoriteta, bez da se ljutim, durim ili osjećam povrijeđenom. Isto tako sam naučila cijeniti svoj rad i sposobnosti. Znam da sam kul, pametna i sposobna. Ne smeta mi toliko ako me ljudi ne vole, tko mi se približi ionako nema izbora nego da me voli. Nije to hvaljenje, to su činjenice. Naučila sam čuvati se iskorištavača dobrih duša. Naučila sam cijeniti svoje i tuđe vrijeme više. Naučila sam raditi u timu, i samostalno. Naučila sam preuzimati odgovornost, ne samo za sebe, već i za svoj tim, i šire.

Naučila sam biti đubre ako treba, i srce najveće. Naučila sam voljeti ljude bezuvjetno i prihvaćati sve što mi kod njih smeta. Naučila sam šutiti kad treba i reći kad ne treba. Haha. Da, ma sve. Osjećam kao da sam proživjela još tri života u ovih godinu dana. Osjećam da trošim vrlo malo vremena na bezveze, osim na ovaj blog!

Isto tako sam naučila uistinu uživati u sebi i drugima, u događajima i pričama, i ne dati se povući u nešto što za što stvarno nemam osjećaj da bih trebala raditi.

Možda sam postala bahatija, ali sam postala i mekanija. Baš jučer mi je iskočila fotka s kratkom kosom, u kratkim hlačama i majici bez rukava – ma ono, slatka, ali totalno skrivena od sebe same. U stavu borbeno, spremna za napad. Sad sam toliko čvršća unutra (kao taj stav kojim sam htjela pokazati da sam nešto što nisam sasvim), a na van naizgled mekanija. Ili mi se bar tako čini. Prihvaćam tu svoju nježnost, i lijepo se osjećam.

Puno manje vičem na druge (vičem svakako, jer sam glasna, i derem se dok pjevam), a puno više pokazujem što osjećam, pokazujem da volim, pokazujem da cijenim, pokazujem da mi treba nježnosti.

Jesam li uvijek bila kakva sam sada, samo se to nije izražavalo? Ma nemam pojma, samo ti govorim što osjećam sada.

Isto tako osjećam da mi se otvaraju neke nove dimenzije shvaćanja svijeta, ljudi, sebe i boga. Cijela priča poprima dublji smisao. A komplementarno tome, osjećam da malo ili ništa znam, i da se sve nekako vrti samo od sebe bez mog uplitanja.  Vi koji poznajete Gurujijeve riječi, reći ćete da upravo to on govori cijelo vrijeme. Samo je sada razlika u tome što ovo sve dolazi direktno iz mog vlastitog iskustva, a onda realizacija da: da, to je ono o čemu on govori.

PRIČA ZA KRAJ PRIČE

            Imam jednu priču za vas, jedan mali događaj. Sjedila sam u Vishalakshi Mantapu (meditacijskoj dvorani) na dijelu gdje nema golubova, kad mi je odjednom nešto palo ravno u krilo. Od iznenađenja sam se prenula i pokušala brzo odgurati to što je palo. Shvatila sam da nije golublje govno, već nešto drugo. Zrno rudrakshe. U Mantapu (mantap znači hram na hindiju) u sredini, tj. taman iznad moje glave tada, je mnogo zrna rudrakshe, načičkanih oko lampe. Za zrno rudrakshinog stabla se smatra da dobro čuva energiju kojoj je izloženo. Ta zrna su tamo od izgradnje mantapa, oko 10 godina i više. Sve mantre koje su tamo otpjevane u sve te godine: sve puje izvedene (puja je izraz zahvalnosti, simboličko vraćanje onoga što smo primili), svi bhajani od srca otpjevani, ljudi meditirali od jutra do mraka, sve je to u tim zrnima. Ne znam što da kažem. Reklo bi se slučajnost. Kolika je slučajnost da baš tada i tamo zrno padne baš meni u krilo? Ima jedan spis, zove se Yoga Vasistha, u njemu kaže da ptica kljucne stablo kokosa, te istovremeno kokos padne na tlo, ptica pomisli kako je ona uzrokovala pad kokosa. Je li ili nije? Il’ je koka il’ je jaje, nema između. Ja mislim da mi je ashram dao poklon da ga se sjetim.

I za kraj ovog miksa svega dijelim s vama jednu sanjarsku:

SANJARSKA

ja bih gledala zalaske i jela grožđe, šetala u šumi i valjala se po lišću

držala bih se za ruke i plesala na mraku

igrala bih se skrivača s mačkama, dijelila tajne sa cvrčcima

udarala bih more dok se ne umorim, i onda plutala da odmorim

ja bih. a ti?

 ___________________________________________________________________

SHE IS CHANGING HER RECORD

Another chapter came to an end (my roommates – fellow travelers left). Soon enough another chapter will have closed (I will also have left). I think I am so bored with myself I can hardly wait for a change to happen. I am honestly in one place for too long now and I have got an itch to get on the move. Even though in the ashram everything is shifting, so there is no great need to move, but still! A year in one place is a big thing for me.

I am a bit impatient, would you not agree? Lately I have had a crush on the ashram, ashram life and its people and all…I started to have Theta and CST treatments every single day, sometimes even twice a day. As my dear ladies moved out, went for their homes, I am using their beds as therapy space. I wanted that ever since coming to the ashram, so the desire got fulfilled (Ashram has the power. The power to grant wishes.).

SHE MANAGED WHAT ONLY THE BRAVE ONES DO             

            Another thing is in the process of coming true. I put a lot of effort in it. That we get to have non-spicy food at the office for lunch. I have a bit of sensitivity to spices lately, so I am having too many parathas, in order not to have the spicy lunch (paratha is, in the world of my desire for dough and cheese in one, a substitute for burek – a Croatian cheese and dough thing). Therefor, after 10 months of pestering, asking, complaining, meetings, demands and a variety of interaction with minimally 5-7 people, and the additional pushing by my dear and competent friends – we shall have non-spicy food for lunch delivered at the office! Eureka! It might be too early to celebrate, let us see.

I am learning about strategizing, in life. In India all things are done with a lot of patience and beating around the bush – in order to get what you want. Earlier I would have called it manipulation and hiding, but that is not how it is. You just need to know what to tell to whom and when. I am learning. I have already succumbed to some local habits, like skipping queues. That is also a strategy. I no longer wait for anything: I show up, I do my thing and leave. Shamelessly passing by a bunch of people. I cannot be such an idiot as to wait while everyone else is skipping queues – the strongest one shall win. I also get a bit of advantage for being white and being at the ashram long enough for everyone to know me, and so I take it to my advantage, so what?

THOUGHTS ON COUNTRIES

Croatia being considered a Balkan country is behind in comparison to Europe. Nevertheless, we are a part of south-eastern Europe, and now a Union member. We do have a highway – only one but lit in the night! We own houses and cars, we inherit property. We are not fighting for food and basics daily, we get to be educated. We have time to make trips and do f-all, we marry and separate as we wish (or at least not get sentenced to death if gay). A man I met here asked me about the European president. We are so far away from this world I live in now, so well protected. We live in the very centre of everything, in the middle of a bunch of small countries that are the richest in the world. As my brother from another mother once said: they are not poor, we are brutally rich. Yes, most of the world (do not get me going with percentages or maths, look at a world map and tell me I am not right), is not poor, but just is as is, and the minority of it is made out of us, the rich ones, who fool about, yearn for what they have not and day dream of world wide popularity.

AAAAND WE HAVE A BUSINESS WOMAN          

            That said, I could say that for the first time in my life I really want to earn money. Will I or not earn them is another thing, the ‘wanting to’ is crucial. Not only to feel good, but to achieve what I want to I need a few coins. Plans are like seeds, we keep them a little under ground, yet not to deep, so they have the chance to grow when watered.

TODAY’S LESSON LEARNED 

            What I learned by being here is to be tough, or to show that I am tough, to have authority without getting angry, sulking or feeling hurt. I also learned to appreciate my efforts and skills. I know I am cool, smart and competent. I also do not mind that people do not like me, who comes closer to me anyway has no choice but to love me. It is not bragging, these are facts. I learned how to protect myself from exploiters of goodness in people. I learned how to appreciate my own and other people’s time. I learned how to work in a team and how to do things solo. I learned to take responsibility, not only for myself, but for the team as well and more.

I learned how to be brutal and how to be the sweetest. I learned how to love people unconditionally and accept all that I do not like about them. I learned how to keep quiet when required and speak when not needed. Haha. Yes. All that. I feel as if I lived through three lives at least in this past year. I feel I waste not time, except on this blog!

            I also learned to truly enjoy myself and others, events and stories, and not let be drawn into something I really would not like to do.

            Maybe I became more arrogant, but I also went more to the soft side. Yesterday only I saw an image of myself with short hair, short sleeves and shorts – looking cute, but hidden from who I am. Wearing an attitude of ready to fight. Now I feel so much more established in myself (what I really wanted to show by that attitude, show what i felt I was not fully on the inside), and on the outside I seem softer. Or so it seems. I accept that gentleness and feel nice. I yell at people much less (I yell a lot, because I am loud and I sing more loudly) but show on a much larger scale what I feel, I show how much I love, I exhibit my appreciation for others and I show I need to be treated gently.

            Is that what has always been there, only not been expressed? I really do not know, I am just telling you what I seem to feel. I also feel that new dimensions of comprehension are opening up for me, about the world, people and god. The whole story seems to have a deeper meaning. Complementary to that, I also feel I know very little, or nothing and that everything is going on its own without my interference. You who know Guruji’s words you will say that that is what he keeps saying all the time. The only difference now is that all this comes from my direct experience, that realisation that yes, that is it, what he talks about.

A STORY FOR THE STORY’S END

            I have a story for you guys, a small event that occured. I was seated in the Vishalakshi Mantap (meditation hall) in the part where there were no pigeons, when suddenly something fell into my lap. I was caught by surprise and tried to get rid of whatever it was. I realised it was no pigeon crap, but something else. A rudraksha bead. In the mantap (mantap means temple in Hindi), in the middle part (at that time just above my head) is a bunch of rudraksh beads, placed around a lamp. A bead of the rudraksha tree is considered to store well energy that it is subjected to. Those beads have been there since the mantap has been built, some 10 and more years ago. All the mantras chanted in all those years there, all the pujas (puja is a form of expressing gratitude, a symbolic returning of all that we have received), all the bhajans sung from the heart, all the meditations that went on there from morning till night every day, all that is stored in those beads. I have no words. One could say it is a coincidence. What kind of coincidence is it that right then and there a bead falls into my lap? There is a scripture named Yoga Vasistha, it says how when a bird pecks a coconut tree, that very moment a coconut falls, and the bird thinks that it made the coconut fall. Did it do it or not? Either the egg or the chicken came first, there is no middle. I think the ashram gave me a present to remember it.

At the very end of today’s mix, I will share a dreamers one with you:

A DREAMER’S ONE

I would watch sunsets and eat grapes, stroll in the woods and roll on the leaves

would hold hands and dance on the darkness

play hide-and-seek with cats, share secrets with crickets

I would hit the sea until I got tired, then float until rested

I would. what about you?

Mjesto s kojeg je pala rudraksha.

The place from where the rudraksh fell.