Kad smo sretni nemamo vremena za tipkanje. Zato nisam tipkala.

Da premotamo:

Nakon Mumbaija sam bila malo pogubljena, nisam znala što da odlučim, pa sam na kraju došla do toga da nema ništa za odlučiti. Odluka će Pasti Sama.

Onda, tjedan dana savršenstva. Još uvijek nisam sigurna da kada se stvari stvarno savršeno poslože, jedna za drugom, pa treća i četvrta, i nema tome kraja; da li se dobra karma odlučila potrošiti u datom trenutku ILI ja prihvaćam svaki trenutak kao savršen i zato i jest savršen?

Uglavnom, imala sam dovoljno vremena sa svim dragim ljudima za sve što sam htjela, obavila sam sve kupnje za svih i sebe, stigla se dobro zabaviti i najesti, a sve bez planiranja i pritiska.

Sve što sam željela, ali SVE što sam poželjela u nekom trenutku u zadnjih godinu dana se manifestiralo u ovih zadnjih tjedan dana.

Kada se balon zadovoljstva i zahvalnosti ispuhao, ostala je ne surova, ne gruba i ne brutalna, nego jednostavno: STVARNOST. I znaš li što? Stvarnost ne mora biti ni lijepa ni ružna ni ugodna, jednostavno je stvarno u redu kada samo jest.

Ne moram biti u svakom trenutku u stanju zaljubljenosti i velike sreće, da bih bila U REDU. Ali ne ono pasivno, u redu. Niti ekstatično DOBRO, niti teško OKEJ. U redu je. Sve je u redu. Kojem redu? Kozmičkom redu i poretku.

Dobila sam zadaću da promatram suprotnosti. Kada vidiš suprotnosti istovremeno, u sredini je jedna tanka crta samog postojanja, a to je ono stanje bivanja u sadašnjem trenutku i tu je mir dubok poput Marjanske brazde, i dublji.

Danas sam pojela zadnji doručak, pa zadnji ručak, i večeru u Ashramu, doživjela zadnju Devi Puju (tradicionalno petkom za božansku majku) s Gurujijem, oznojila se 700 puta od jutra, jer je 38, bez daška. Spakirala se skoro do kraja, naručila kolač, imala photoshoot s dragim sunarodnjako-susjedom. Srela se s Gurujijem još jednom popodne. Pozdravila se s gomilom prekrasnih ljudi.

Podijelila puno zagrljaja i lijepih želja, dobila komplimenata i poklona, pustila suza i suza, osmijeha i smijeha.

Na aerodromu, već sam u nekom drugom svijetu. Pojela sam svoju zadnju groznu indijsku pizzu, potrošila zadnje rupije na idiotarije. Tri ujutro je, čekam da krene boarding. I odo’.

Još sam u Indiji. Zemlji koju nisam htjela rado posjetiti. Zemlja u kojoj sam toliko toga naučila, odučila, propatila i uživala do ekstaze. Osjećam se poprilično Indijka sada. Koliko će to trajati? Ispraćena sam uz puno lijepih želja, ali i pitanja kada se vraćam i toliko snažnih želja i već sada čežnje da se vratim. I hoću. Jednog dana. Kada i kako – ne znam. Kao što sam rekla na početku: Odluka će Pasti Sama.

Kako sam uopće došla tu? Jedan poziv i otvorenost prema pokretu. Odluka je pala sama. Tko sam ja uopće da kažem da odlučujem o nečemu? Sve se ionako odvija samo, i tako savršeno da ja sama ne mogu bolje smisliti.

Nemoj žaliti ni za čim. Vrati se nazad, zatim premotaj na sada i vidi: nismo li nešto naučili, nismo li negdje jači, pametniji, bolji ljudi? Nemoj misliti da je sutra bolje. Ako je sada loše, kako možeš učiniti da bude lakše, bolje, da brže prođe ako boli?

Trebaš li nešto? Nemoj samo misliti da kažem ‘tu sam za tebe’, jer glumim hipija koji voli cijeli svijet. Ja to uistinu mislim i znam da uvijek, ali baš uvijek, mogu učiniti nešto za tebe, ako znaš i želiš primiti.

Ako ne trebaš ništa dušo, vrijeme je da daš drugima ono čega ti je višak.

Kako moj tatko uvijek govori: “Ako nećeš živjeti s ljudima, onda idi u šumu.”

Ideš u šumu ili živimo s ljudima?

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When we are happy, we have no time to type. That is why I have not.

Rewind:

I was a bit lost aftee Mumbai, I did not have any idea how to make a decision, so I came to the conclusion that there is nothing to decide. The Decision will Make Itself.

Then, a week of absolute perfection. Still I have doubts of whether when things come together perfectly, one after another, then third, forth and without end; is it that some good karma decided to be spent in a particular moment of time OR is it that I am accepting every moment as perfect and therefor it is perfect?

I had enough time with all people dear to me, I shopped for me and others, and managed to have good fun and food – and all that without much planning or pressure.

Everything I wanted, EVERYTHING I desired in one given moment in the last year, all manifested in this one last week.

When the balloon of contentment and gratitude blew out, what was left was the not cruel, not brutal, not harsh, but simply: REALITY. And you know what? Reality has not to be ugly or pleasant, it is perfectly fine when it just is.

I need not be in a state of being in love or some grand happiness for things to be IN ORDER. Not a passive kind of in order. Nor an ecstatic REALLY GOOD, nor a heavy painted FINE. It is in order. All is in order. Which order? The cosmic order and line-up.

I got homework, to observe the opposites. When you can see opposites simultaneously, there is a thin line of existence itself – that state of being in the present moment. There is a peace deep as the Mariana Trench or deeper.

 

I had my last breakfast, lunch and dinner in the Ashram, I experienced my last Devi Puja (traditionally performed on Fridays, for the divine mother) with Guruji, sweated 700 odd times since morning because it is 38 and not a breeze in sight.  I almost packed, ordered a cake, and had a photo shoot with my country’s neighbour. Met Guruji again in the afternoon. Said my goodbyes with a bunch of beautiful people.

Shared lots of hugs and nice wishes, received many compliments and gifts, let out a lot of tears and as many smiles and laughs.

In the airport, I am already in another world. I had my last terrible Indian pizza, spent my last rupees on silly things. It is now 3 am, waiting for boarding to start. And gone.

I am still in India, though. A land to which I had not wanted to come as much. A land in which I learned and unlearned, suffered and enjoyed to ecstasy. I feel very much and Indian now. How long will it last? I was walked out with nice wishes and the question when I will be back, and by many a strong desire and longing to see me back. I will. One day. When and how – I do not know. As I said in the beginning: The Decision will Make Itself.

How have I come here in the first place? A phone call and openness to move. The decision had made itself. Who am I anyway to say that I am deciding anything. Everything happens on its own, so perfectly, I cannot myself think of a better way.

Do not regret anything. Go back, then go forward to now and see: have we not learnt something, are we not stronger, smarter and better people in certain domains? Do not think that tomorrow is better. If it is bad now, what can you do for things to run easier, better, for it to go away faster if it hurts?

Are you in need of anything? Do not think I only say ‘I am here for you’ because I am in a role of a hippy whose role is to love the world. I truly can be there for you, and can always, ALWAYS to something for you, if you know how to and wish to receive.

If there is nothing you require dear, it is time to give others your extras.

As my father always says: “If you do not wish to live with people, go live in the forrest”.

You are going to the forest or are we living with people?