Ponedjeljak. Jučer sam bila na jednom od boljih tuluma u životu. Pravo slavlje rođendana drage meni moje prijateljice u vrtu.  Svirka uživo – sudionici svestrani. Vatra! Highlight večeri. Veselje! Mnogo pive, a nimalo nereda. Opet veselje! I psi! Blesava stvorenja. Psi u vrtu, ljudi jedni s drugima, glazba šarolika, klopa delikatesna.

Srijeda. Gdje bolje nego pisati blog na aerodromu? Kad svi bezrazložno  stoje u redu za boarding, dok ti sjediš i čekaš da prođe gužva. Letim iz Zadra za Baden-Baden, gdje sam prije godinu i po sa sestrom se brćkala u lokalnom sauna-bazeni objektu. Opet idem kući. Kada ja to ne idem kući? Zašto letim u srce Schwarzwalda, Crne Šume? Zadnjih par godina gdje god idem, idem iz više-manje jednog razloga. Mogu bilo gdje meditirati, i s bilo kim se družiti. Možeš i ti ići na more gdje god želiš i s kim god. Zašto onda ideš tamo gdje imaš gdje biti, i tamo gdje su ti prijatelji? Iz istih tih razloga i ja putujem gdje putujem.

Bad Antogast je malo mjesto, seoce u šumi, pod obroncima Shivine planine. Velika kuća s velikim srcem – naš njemački ashram. Ashram, ili hram? Ne znam da li je ‘hram’ dobar prijevod. Shram znači napor, a Ashram kada se stvari događaju bez napora. Odoh u nenapor. U novu avanturu.

Zagreb? Zagreb je divan, uistinu. Moj um u Zagrebu nije bio uvijek divan, ali sve se nekako brzo mijenjalo i rješavalo. Živjela sam kod prijateljica, najdražih mi, i osjećala sam se zbrinuto, sigurno i podržano i lijepo. U nekim trenucima me gušilo to što sam opet nekako nesamostalna, ali ujedno i oslobađalo što sam mogla štogod sam htjela, bez da ikome odgovaram. Voljela bih dijeliti s nekim život i životni prostor gdje se mogu tako osjećati – opušteno i svoje.

Vratimo se na Njemačku. Kako je to smiješno, nikada nisam željela ići u Indiju, ali sam htjela vidjeti gdje je i kako je u međunarodnom sjedištu Art of Livinga. Njemačka me ni najmanje ne privlači, ali idem tamo, jer je tamo europski centar Art of Living-a.

Znam da ti možda pada napamet (možda i ne!) zašto ona toliko ludi za tom udrugom, pa onda prati okolo tog Gurua svog. Šta će joj to sve, i je li stvarno sve to na mjestu? Nije li to neka sekta? I što joj je potrebno da ima Gurua, i još nekog tamo Indijca? Ljudi su inače “samostalni”, imaju posao, prijatelje, obitelj, i to je to. Ne treba im neka udruga gdje se druže s istomišljenicima. Ne treba im neki bradonja da im govori što da rade. Da, ne treba ima. I nitko te ne sili. 

Samim svojim postojanjem i načinom života, čini mi se, nekada izazivam ljude – na procjenjivanje, sumnje, ispitivanje. Kao ono kada osoba koja ne jede meso završi u centru rasprave o zdravlju i prehrani – na roštiljadi. Ok, ja ne jedem meso. Moramo li o tome toliko na široko i na dugo raspravljati, prepirati se, zauzimati strane? Ok, imam Gurua, kojeg volim, cijenim, pratim i kojem vjerujem. Je li to baš mora biti povod za zauzimanje stavova, ispitivanja autentičnosti njegove pojave? 

Ne smaraju me pitanja, ne smara me znatiželja. Smara me a priori osuda. ‘Sve što mi je nepoznato, vrlo vjerovatno mi nije prihvatljivo, i trebam puno saznati mentalno, a zatim i iskustveno, kako bih nešto bilo eventualno prihvaćeno.’

Daj se opusti čovječe. Radim yogu. Meditiram. Pjevam i sviram pjesme na sanskrtu. Ne trčim, ne jedem meso, ne znam niti jednu jedinu pjesmu koja nije u stilu ‘om namah shivaya’. I??? U čemu je problem?

Dobila sam komentar na sadržaj bloga. Rečeno mi je da je sadržaj težak, da bih trebala više pisati o laganijim stvarima. 

Možda sam to već rekla, čini mi se da se ponavljam: Apsolutno sam svjesna da sve što upućujem drugima na razmišljanje je također ono što govorim sebi samoj istovremeno. Kada upućujem pitanje Tebi, ili Vama, može izgledati kao napad, kao osuda čak! Ali meni izgleda samo kao pitanje postavljeno u prostor, pa tko se osjeti pozvanim da razmotri odgovor – njegova je volja. Jednako tako sam i ja jedna od ljudi kojima se pitanja postavljaju.

Još uvijek je srijeda, sjedim na aerodromu u Baden Badenu, čekam bus do vlaka, vlakom do Oppenaua, gdje će me netko pokupiti do ashrama/Bad Antogasta. Jedva čekam doći doma. 

Četvrtak. Vani vlada sunčani mir. Upoznajem se sa stanarima, radim na kompu. Jedem finu hranu… Uživam čisti zrak. Idem u šetnju šumom poslije. Život je lijep.

Pogled kroz pendžer iz dvorane nazvane po Isusu. 

Jesus hall window view.

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Monday. Yesterday I attended one of the best parties ever. A true celebration of my very dear friend’s birthday – in her garden. Live music – band participants of varied musical backgrounds. A bonfire! The evening’s highlight. Happy! A lot of beer but no chaos. AND THE DOGGIES! Silly creatures. The dogs in the garden, people mingling, music varied and pleasant, food – delicacies only. 

Wednesday. Where better to write a blog than the airport? When everyone is already forming a line to board, while you wait for the crowd to be gone. I am flying from Zadar to Baden-Baden, where, only a year and a half ago, my sister and I swam in the local sauna and pools. I am going home again. When is it that I am not going home? Why am I flying to the heart of Schwarzwald, the Black Forest? The last few years, whenever I have gone somewhere, I went for more or less one reason. I can meditate anywhere, I can be in the company of anyone. You also can go to the seaside wherever you want, with whomever you want. Why do you go where you have a place to stay and friends to meet? I travel for that reason also.

Bad Antogast is a small place, a village in the forest, below the Shiva mountain. A big house with a big hearty feel  – our German Ashram. Ashram or temple? I do not know if ‘temple’ would be the proper translation. Shram means effort, and Ashram is where things happen effortlessly. There I am, going straight to effortlessness. To a new adventure. 

Zagreb? Zagreb is truly wonderful. My mind in Zagreb (Croatia’s capital) was not always wonderful, but somehow things tended to change and resolve on their own. I lived at my friends’ house, my favourites, I felt secure, safe, supported and beautiful. In some moments I felt suffocated for not being fully independent. But then again I also felt free to do whatever I wanted to do, without the pressure of reporting. I would love to share my life and space where I can feel like that – relaxed and like I am in my own space. 

Let us go back to Germany. How silly it is, that I have never wanted to go to India. What I did want was to see where the International center of the Art of Living Foundation is. Germany is definitely not my cup of tea, but still I am going there, because the European center of the Art of living is there.

I know it might cross your mind (or not!) to ask yourself why she is so crazy about that association, and let alone that Guru of hers she keeps following about. Why does she need all that in her life? Is not a sect of sorts? Why does she need a Guru, and him being a foreigner, and an Indian? People are ‘independent’, they have jobs, friends, family and that is that. They do not need an association where they spend time with people who think alike. They do not need a bearded guy to tell them what to do. Yes, they do not. And no one is forcing you to.  

My mere existence and way of life seems to provoke people – to judge, doubting, and questioning. Like when a non-meat eating person ends up at the center of a discussion about diet and food at a barbeque. OK, I do not eat meat. Do we really need to discuss it so much, argue and take sides? OK, I have a Guru, who I love, appreciate, follow and trust. Is that a platform to take positions, question his authenticity?

The questions do not bother me; the curiosity does not bother me. The convictions bother me. ‘All that to me is unknown, most probably is not acceptable, I need to know a lot mentally and experientially, so I could eventually accept something.’ 

Relax, man. I practice yoga. I meditate. I sing and play songs in sanskrit. I do not jog, I do not eat meat, I do not know any songs that are not ‘om namah shivaya’ style. So??? What is the problem?

 I got feedback to the content of the blog. I was told that it is heavy, that I should write lighter. 

Maybe I have said it before, it seems like I am repeating myself: I am absolutely aware that everything I direct to others to think about is what simultaneously I am telling myself to do. When I am asking You, it may seem as an attack, even judgment! But to me, it seems as a question being asked into space, so whoever feels invited to think about it, does so, at her/his own accord. Also, I feel as one who is being asked. 

It is still Wednesday, I am at the Baden-Baden airport, waiting for the bus that will take me to the train that will take me to Oppenau, where someone will pick me up and take me to the ashram/Bad Antogast. I can hardly wait to come home.

 Thursday. Outside is a sunny calm. I am meeting the residents, working on the computer. Eating nice food. I will go for a walk in the forest later. Life is beautiful.