Tri su sata. Vijesti. Od vijesti izdvojit ćemo dvije i detaljnije ih opisati.

Prva važna vijest je vijest o tektonskim poremećajima u ustima Gordane Tihomirović. Dogodio se odron petice gore desno uslijed invazivne akcije zubarice iz obližnjeg sela. Sve je počelo još u ponedjeljak, s bolovima i bubnjanjem, a kulminiralo u četvrtak, nakon neprospavane noći, vrućice i sve nepodnošljivijih bolova. Nakon kratkotrajne konzultacije sa zubaricom, odluka je pala: zub ide van. Mogao je malko još možda počekati, ali činjenica da bi taj isti kroz svega nekoliko dana bio izložen velikim promjenama pritiska (uzlijetanje i slijetanje aviona) je ipak pritegnula odluku za otklanjanje upaljenog čudovišta. Jeste li znali koliko je uistinu velik korijen zuba? Brate, duži je od samog vanjskog dijela zuba za dva do tri puta. Da ne pretjerujem s detaljima, ipak se ovdje ne radi o crnoj kronici, želim samo istaknuti da nakon godina i godina ne-konzumiranja sredstava za bol, antibiotika i sličnih proizvoda farmaceutske industrije, i Gordana je pala. Već treći dan pijem ibuprofene, od kojim mi se povremeno trese cijelo tijelo, stvara mučnina u želucu, hvata lagana nesvjestica i spava mi se. Želim reći – bol nikad doživljena. Sva sreća pacijentica je bila pod budnim okom zubarice, asistentice i slučajnog kolege koji je imao tu srećicu da bude pratnja do zubara, drži za ruku i tapša po ramenu. Kasnije primila iscjeljiteljske pozdrave s cijelog područja planete Zemlje, a možda i šire!

U svakom slučaju, naša Gordana je dobro. Oteklina koja je skoro doprla do mozga i dobro ga isprala, nije uspjela u svojim namjerama, i progresivno se smanjuje.

Hvala svima još jednom na pozdravima, brizi i iscjeljenju.

Druga važna vijest se odnosi na Gordanine putešestvije. Vraćam se prvom licu. Krenula sam u Bad Antogast (europski centar Art of livinga, popularno zvan ‘njemački ashram’) s namjerom da ostanem četiri dana, dok je Guru u kvartu. No, međutim, baš je taj jeftini let bio mnogo jeftiniji ako krenem par dana ranije, a i kad sam stigla nekako mi se odmah učinilo da neću htjeti tako brzo nazad, pa sam odmah za male pare promijenila kartu, te se moj boravak ovdje produžio na tri tjedna. I ne samo to! Priča ide dalje. Umjesto planiranog ljetnog biznisa sa sestrom ‘yoga na plaži’, nešto sasvim lijevo se dogodilo. Čim sam stigla, odmah mi je bilo jasno da mi je u ovom okruženju nekako najljepše. Kakvo je to ‘ovo okruženje’. Prvo, sve sami luđaci, kao i ja. Ljudi iz svih dijelova svijeta, iz raznih branši posla i obrazovanja s raznim interesima, a svima samo jedno zajedničko: seva i Guru.

• Seva, kao što sam već rekla ranije, ukratko opisano: nesebično pomaganje. Ili rad bez očekivanja rezultata. Zvuči kao žešće izrabljivanje? Čudno, ali uopće ne. Rad je tvoj, na tebi je da ga radiš, a iako ti se ne čini uvijek da ima direktne rezultate u materijalnom obliku, donosi ti rezultate druge vrste: donosi ti strpljenje, prihvaćanje, razumijevanje, manje misli, kreativnost, učenje i bla bla. Kada bih mogla tako, bez da išta drugo radim, onda bi tako. Samo sevu mogu raditi uvijek, i u slobodno vrijeme. Kako Guruji kaže: seva je u datom trenutku napraviti ono što situacija traži od tebe. Osim toga, moram imati i neki izvor samoodržavanja.
• Guru, o Guruu sam već puno drobila, prelistaj prethodne postove.

Kako mi je odmah okruženje tako lijepo sjelo, ideja da budem full-time učiteljica se opet pojavila. I pitanje zašto sve te godine to želim, a nikako da se ostvari je došlo. Sve se to meni vrtilo danima u glavi ovoj blentavoj, i znala sam da mi nema druge, nego da pitam gospona s bradom kojem bih život povjerila. Baš si sad mislim koja sam sretnica da imam nekoga u kojeg imam takvu vrstu povjerenja. Već sam mislila kako će mi reći da radim što hoću. I bilo me strah. Jako strah. Što će biti samnom, mamice, od čega da živim, kako da iskoristim to nešto što već imam u sebi? Kako da budem najproduktivnija? Kako da se ne gubim u slijepim ulicama? Kako da donesem pravu odluku? I odgovor je došao.

Kada sam došla pred Gurujija, bilo je, ukratko ovako:

Kaže on meni: Šta onda?

Kažem ja: Guruji, ja bih bila full-time. Znaš da to ne mogu sada u Hrvatskoj.

Pita on: Želiš li ostati ovdje?

Nećkam se ja.

Kaže on: Ti bi nešto drugo, dobro, planirat’ ćemo.

Paničarim ja: Što ćemo planirati?

Kaže za kraj: Budi u kontaktu s koordinatorima.

Htjela sam putovati i podučavati – san snova. Samo sam ipak još mlada, pa malo čak i neiskusna, a i lakše funkcioniram u timu. Kada sam se sutradan probudila, shvatila sam da mi je prvi put u sve ove godine nešto konkretno sugerirao (da budem u Bad Antogastu), a ja sam se nećkala. Pritom sam došla na taj razgovor s odlučnošću da ću napraviti štogod želi od mene.

Razgovarala sam s koordinatorima, shvatila da je ovo idealno mjesto za sada, mogu raditi na projektima, a mogu i sama složiti projekt ako želim, asistirati i voditi tečajeve ovdje, a i Francuska je blizu. Oduvijek sam htjela živjeti u Francuskoj, i vidi, tu mi je, pola sata vožnje. Tu, u kući ću živjeti, jesti i raditi,  putovati kad treba i dobivati i nešto para. U prijevodu: imam posao, imam mjesto gdje mogu živjeti do daljnjeg bez brige o stanarini, imam što jesti, od koga učiti i što raditi! I živim u šumi. Ne bilo kakvoj, Crnoj! Mrak. Baš sam prava pankerica.

I eto. Idem sutra na otok na desetak dana, malo sređivati papirologiju, zubare, frizere i ine gluposti, bućnut’ se i onda nazad, na posel’ u šumu.

Nisam nigdje živjela duže od četiri godine u komadu. Ne znam je li ikad prošlo i šest mjeseci, a da nisam putovala, pa makar u obližnje mjesto. Ovo je trenutno moje stanje bivanja. Pa da vidimo kako će biti!

Prekrasno razumijevanje sam jučer dobila dok sam radila Thetu: odvojeni su pojmovi karakter (karakterne osobine) od stanja u kojima se nalazimo.

Možemo biti generalno nježne dispozicije (karaktera), a unatoč tome imati stanja u kojima izražavamo grubost. Što nas ne čini generalno grubom osobom. Razumiješ li što govorim?

Zanimljivo je, razmisli si malo o tome, do iduće mozgalice. Hvala na slušanju, programu je kraj.

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It is three o’clock. News. We will take two events and describe them in detail.

The first important news is about the tectonic movements in the mouth of one Gordana Tihomirović. There has been an avalanche of the fifth upper right tooth caused by the local village dentist. It all started on Monday, with pain and throbbing and culminated on Thursday, after a sleepless night, a fever and increasing pain. After a short consultation with the dentist, a decision was made: the tooth must leave the premises. It could have waited for a bit longer, I guess, but the fact it would be subjected to major pressure changes (take off and landing) was crucial for the decision to remove the infected monster immediately. Did you know how long is a tooth’s root? Man, longer than the part that shows by two to three times. Not to overdo it with details, we are not at the ‘Crimes and accidents’ page, I just want to emphasise how after years and years of avoiding painkillers, antibiotics and similar pharmaceuticals, Gordana has succumbed. This is my third day of taking ‘ibuprofen’ that make my body shake occasionally, creates nausea, dizziness and sleepiness. I wish to express that this level of pain has never been experienced. Lucky for the patient, she was being taken care of by the dentist, the assistant and a colleague that took me to the dentist, held my hand and patted me on the shoulder. Later, received healing greetings from the planet Earth, and maybe farther.  In any case, our Gordana is well. The swelling that has almost taken over her brain and washed it thoroughly did not manage in its attempts and is progressively diminishing. A great big thank you for all the greetings, care and healing.

The second great news is concerning Gordana’s travel adventures. Coming back to the first person. I went to Bad Antogast (the European Art of Living Centre, popularly known as ‘the German Ashram’), originally planned to stay for four days, while the Guru is da hood. Well, that changed immediately, as I found a much cheaper flight going a few days early, and then when I actually got here, it seemed that I would not want to go back so soon, so I changed my ticket for a small fee and made my stay three weeks long. So the story unfolds further. Instead of the planned ‘yoga on the beach’ summer job with my sistah, something very different came to be. As soon as I arrived, it was clear that this environment is somehow the nicest to me. What kind of environment is ‘this one’. Firstly, lunatics, like me. People from all parts of the world, with various work, education and interests backgrounds, with one thing in common: seva and Guru.

• Seva, as mentioned earlier is shortly: selfless help. Or working without expecting any results. Sounds like exploatation? Wierdly, no. The work is yours, for you to do, even when it seems not to bring you any direct results in any material form, it gives you results of another kind: patience, acceptance, understanding, less thoughts, creativity, learning etc. etc. If I could just do that, without doing anything else, I would. But seva I can do in my free time. As Guruji says: seva is to do what the situation requires at any given moment. Other than that, I do need a source of self-sustaining.
• Guru, of Guru I have spoken a lot, just go back to previous posts.

 

As the environment fell into place so nicely, the idea to be a full-time teacher came again. With it the question came of why all these years I have wanted it so much and never acted on it. It was all in my silly head for days, and I knew there was little choice, but to ask the Sir with the beard who I would entrust my life with. I am just thinking to myself now how lucky am I to have that kind of trust in someone. I thought he might tell me to do what I want. And feared it. What will happen to me, mommy, what will I live off, how to use that which I have inside? How can I be the most productive? How not to end up in dead-ends? How to make the right decision? The answer came.

When I came in front of Guruji, it was, in short, like this:

He says: What then?

I say: Guruji, I want to be full-time. You know I cannot do it in Croatia now.

Do you want to stay here? says he.

I hesitate.

Maybe you want something else, ok, we’ll plan. Says he.

I panic: What will we plan?

He says: Stay in contact with the coordinators.

I wanted to travel and teach – a dream come true. Only, I am still young, I am even a bit non-experienced and I do function better in a team. When I woke up the next day, I realised that it is the first time that he had actually suggested something concrete (to be in Bad Antogast) and I hesitated. Coming to talk to him, I was determined to do anything he would ask of me.

Having spoken to the coordinators, I could see this is the ideal place for me now: I can join projects, I can create my own project, assist and teach courses here and France is also close. I always wanted to live in France, and look, it is so close now, half an hour drive away. Here, in the house I will live, eat and work, travel when needed and earn some money. Meaning, I have a job, I have a place to live until further notice without worrying about rent, I have food to eat, who to learn from and something to do! And I live in a forest. Not any forest, a Black one! I’m such a punk.

So there you go, tomorrow I am going to the island, staying about ten days, to do some paper work, deal with dentists and hairdressers etc. have a swim or two and then back to work, to the forest.

I have never lived in one place for more than four years at once. I do not even know if there was ever a period longer than six months that I have not travelled, even just to the next place. This is currently my state of being. Let us see how it goes!

I received a beautiful understanding yesterday during a Theta session: there is a difference between one’s character and a state we fall into. One can have a generally gentle disposition, and despite of that experience states of being in which on can express crudeness. Understand that that does not make us a crude person. Do you understand what I am saying?

It is interesting, think about it a little, until the next brainer. Thank you for listening, over and out.