Upravo sam natrkeljani blog od neki dan obrisala. Imam naviku čuvati sve što sam ikada napisala, i jednako tvrdoglavu naviku te stvari nikada ne čitati niti reciklirati. Da, na ovom blogu je kruh uvijek ravno iz peći, krušne.

Danas se bome ispekao kruh, možda i prepekao! Ovaj vikend sam se apsolutno pretrgla, imajući tri poprilično odgovorne uloge za žonglirati. No, sve sam stigla!

Zanimljivo je to – ili sve ili praktički ništa. Kad nemam vremena, stignem sve, a kada imam vremena, ne napravim baš ništa.

Imam nešto za podijeliti, onako iz srca, za vas. Kada sam bila mlađa (jednom davno…) netko mi je bio rekao da sam jako zatvorena. To me uistinu iznenadilo, jer sam se uvijek smatrala otvorenom knjigom. Uvijek sam s lakoćom pričala o svemu što mi se ikada dogodilo, koliko god neugodno ili neobično bilo. Pitala sam par bliskih prijatelja je li to istina, i više-manje su se slično izrazili: da me teško pratiti, tj. točno znati na čemu sam, jer se kod mene uvijek sve mijenjalo iz ekstrema u ekstrem. Teško je bilo znati što je uistinu unutra, iako su se misli i želje s površine dijelile kapom i šakom.

Što je to zašto mi je ta jedna osoba rekla da sam zatvorena?

Ne bojim se ljudi, ne bojim se akcije, ne bojim se ludila, ne bojim se čudaka.

Bojim se bliskosti, najintimnije komunikacije. Bojim se nježnosti. Bojim se izgubiti. Bojim se nježne sebe. Bojim se dati se.

Lakše mi je obaviti druge ljubavlju, biti tu uvijek za svakoga. Ali ne znam kako dopustiti drugima da budu tu za mene. Jednostavno ne znam kako otvoriti vrata nekome i reći ‘Dobar dan. Izvolite ući.’

Upoznala sam jednu tetu koja mi je u tri rečenice razgolitila dušu. Rekla mi je prvo ovo što sam sada podijelila s vama: da se ne znam otvoriti, drugo, da ne prihvaćam svoju žensku stranu jednako kao i mušku, i treće da sve radim 100% i da sam užasno moćna, ali da se moram više uzemljiti, da letim ko balon.

Sad bih ja kao nešto trebala u vezi toga raditi. Sad bih ja kao trebala to nešto popraviti, poboljšati. Ali sinko moj, ne ide ti to tako. Baba sidi, i promatra, nema da mrdne, a opet joj se život događa.

To je ono što bocka – sad bih ja kao nešto trebala. A zapravo se nema što ‘učiniti’. Okej, sada sam malo bolnije i jasnije svjesna da je tako kako je, mogu samo čekati da se promijeni: promatranjem, prihvaćanjem, s ljubavlju. Jedino tada će se promijeniti.

Jebemti nekad sve ovo čuda i vraga. Ne bi li bilo bolje da sam glupa? Doduše, da sam glupa, vjerovatno bih i dalje bila pijana. A to nije baš neko lijepo rješenje. S obzirom da ipak imam neku pametnu dasku u glavi, neke stvari su mi se u životu promijenile. A imam i tu sreću da sam se bacila u sektu, da me drži podalje od cuge i nereda.

Šalim se, malo sam sarkastična. Sada se osjećam tonu i tri kvarta lakša. Još samo da kliknem ‘pošalji’ i gotova sam sa svojom današnjom katarzom i otvaranjem, te slijedeći tjedan nastavljamo s pukim činjenicama o tome kako je univerzalna svijest savršena, život prekrasan dar prirode, bog ljubav beskonačna itd.

Svako živuće nešto mi je blisko i drago, pa čak i kada ne razumijem i ne znam kako pristupiti ili reći: volim tvoje prisustvo, dođi mi bliže, da se upoznamo.

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I just erased a blog I put together the other day. Having the habit of storing everything I have ever written, I also have the habit to never read nor recycle anything I have written. Yes, this blog bakes fresh bread, straight from the oven.

Today the bread definitely got baked, maybe even a tad burned! This weekend I positively overdid it, juggling three pretty demanding roles. But, I made it!

It is interesting how it is all or nothing. When I have little time, I manage all, as opposed to when I have all the time in the world and do not do anything at all.

I have something to share, from the heart, for you. When I was younger (once upon a time…) someone had told me I was a very closed person. It truly caught me by surprise having considered myself an open book. I shared with ease about everything that happened to me, however embarrassing or unusual it may be. I asked a few close friends if it were true, and got a more or less similar answer – that I am hard to keep track on or to know where I am at because everything with me would go to extreme opposites. It was hard to tell what was really inside, even though I freely shared my thoughts and desires, on the surface.

What was it that made that person tell me I was shut?

I do not fear people in general, I do not fear madness, I do not fear weirdoes.

I fear closeness, the most intimate of communication. I fear softness. I fear loss. I fear the gentle me. I fear to give myself away.

It is so much easier to enclose others with love, be there for everyone. But I know not how to allow others to be there for me. I simply know not how to open the doors and say: ‘Good day to you. Please enter.’

I met a lady who saw right through my naked soul in three sentences. First this what I just shared with you: how I do not know how to open up, secondly that I do not accept my feminine side as much as I do the masculine and third, that I do everything a hundred percent, and that I have a lot of power, but that I need to be more grounded, that I am flying like a balloon.

Now I should be doing something about it. Now I should be making it better, improve myself. But that is not how it goes, sonny boy. Grandma sits and observes, she will not move an inch, and still life happens to her!

That is where it itches – Do I need to DO something about it? But there is really nothing to ‘do’.  Ok, I am a bit more painfully and clearly aware that this is how it is, and can only wait for it to change, by accepting, observing, with love. Only then will it change. Would it not have been better to be stupid? If I were stupid, I would have probably still been drunk now. That would not have been a nice outcome. Considering I do have a smart brick in my brain, some things have changed in my life. And I am also in luck to have got into a sect, to keep me away from booze.

Just kidding, I am a little sarcastic. I feel a ton and three quarters lighter now. Just to click ‘send’ and I am done with today’s catharsis and opening up and we will continue next week with plain facts about how the universal consciousness is perfect, life a beautiful gift from nature, god endless love etc.

Everything that is living is close and dear to me, even when I do not understand or know how to approach or say: I love your presence, come closer to me, let us get to know each other.