I tako. Opet sam razmišljala. I evo prilike da prospem malo toga što mi se u glavi formiralo na ovu elektroničku stranicu.

TIJELO KAO HRAM

• Prvo, što bi to uopće bio hram? Hram, ashram, sveto mjesto, sveti prostor… Grubo rečeno, to je fizičko mjesto u koje ulazimo iz nekog posebnog razloga. Na ulazu već pokazujemo znakove poštivanja. Možda skidamo cipele, prekrstimo se svetom vodom, poklonimo se, zastanemo na trenutak u tišini, sklopimo ruke. Već na samom ulazu osjećamo neku vrstu posebnosti, poštivanja. Kasnije radimo što radimo, ali kako? S dozom mira i poštivanja; lijepo i ponizno (ne poniženo, već ponizno; primijeti razliku); s ljubavlju, sa željom, uz molbu i sa zahvalnošću. Recimo, mjesto kojem prilazimo pažljivo, kojeg napuštamo s, nadam se, osjećajem ispunjenosti, zadovoljstva.

 

• A tijelo? Naše tijelo je oblik koji se razvija u maminoj utrobi, da bi na kraju izašao sav zgužvan i mokar, zatim raste, razvija se, stari i umire. Tijelo nam služi kako bi se izrazili, djelovali, ostvarili interakciju s drugima. Obično ga hranimo, peremo, brinemo se o njemu. I koristimo ga. Kako? Svakako! Tijelo je isto tako onaj dio nas s kojim se poistovjećujemo. Mislimo: tijelo, to sam ja. Iako kažemo, moje tijelo. Ako je tijelo ‘moje’, a ne ‘ja’, tko onda posjeduje tijelo? Možda nešto drugo / netko drugi? Hmmmm.

Dakle, tijelo kao hram.

Spoji točke.

Moram priznati da sama ranije nisam razumjela taj izraz: tijelo kao hram. Boraveći u Indiji godinu dana, gdje je pojam tjelesnog drugačiji od našeg, a onda još pogotovo živeći u ashramu gdje je svjesnost o tijelu i svetosti tijela još izraženija – počela sam drugačije gledati na to tijelo, osjećati ga i promišljati o njemu. Zašto je Indija imala utjecaja na mene? Pa, u Indiji, bar iz mog iskustva, je uvriježeno mišljenje (možda ne i ponašanje) da sex prije braka nije u redu. U tom slučaju zaključujem da bi sex trebao biti kruna ljubavi. Često je obrnuto. Kažem često, no ipak je kod svakog to jako individualno, bez obzira iz koje kulture dolazimo. Ima svega svugdje.

Ono što me pogodilo u jednom trenutku je to kako malo cijenimo to tijelo. Ili ako ga cijenimo, možda ga precjenjujemo? Možda se bojimo podijeliti ga? Koliko je samo tabua i problema vezano uz tu temu fizičkih odnosa. Koliko smo svjesni toga da kada spavamo s drugom osobom dijelimo sebe fizički, da, ali također i na najsuptilnijim nivoima postojanja? Da pritom dijelimo energiju, ljubav samu?

Upadamo li u zamku kratkotrajne sreće? Dajemo li sebe cijele za dva trenutka osjećaja pripadanja? Znamo li uopće dijeliti sebe? Kako to činimo?

Ne znam. Razmisli. Voli i poštuj svoje tijelo kao božanstvo, a opet nemoj zaboraviti da nisi samo to. Znaj da si mnogo više od toga.

Kako pristupate svom hramu, tijelu i kako bi mu voljeli pristupati? Kako bi voljeli da mu drugi pristupaju? Vidite li svoje tijelo kao hram? Ili kao ladicu u koju se može strpati štobilo?

IONAKO ĆEMO UMRIJETI

Pričao nam Guru neki dan priču kako mu se žalio jedan profesor kako djeca u školi kažu: ionako ćemo umrijeti, pa zašto se ne zabavljati (piti, pušiti itd.) dok možemo? Da, ionako ćemo umrijeti. Ili, kako Guruji kaže: Nećeš ti napustiti tijelo, ono će tebe napustiti.

Tijelo je nemoguće izdržljivo. Što sve ne ubacujemo u sebe i na sebe i na koje sve načine ne mučimo to tijelo – a ono se i dalje regenerira, i dalje živi i dalje trpi i krpa sve što uništimo. No postoji razlika u kvaliteti života kada smo zdravi, lagani i opušteni od vremena kada smo bolesni, teški i pod stresom. I u tom paženju tijela naravno treba donekle biti umjeren, ne trebamo ga baš sad čuvati kao u formalinu. Biti slobodan, a opet privržen i odgovoran.

Koja lijepa rečenica. Nadovezala bih se baš ovom rečenicom na jednu drugu temu, koja ipak ima veze s vezom. Biti slobodan, a opet privržen i odgovoran.

Kad si zapravo slobodan? Kad napraviš sve što se od tebe tražilo, i sve što od sebe tražiš. Kada preuzmeš potpunu odgovornost, tek tada si slobodan. Ranije sam mislila da je sloboda napiti se u srijedu popodne i propustiti sva predavanja na faxu. Je li sloboda bila imati grižnju savjesti zbog propuštenih predavanja, nenapisanih seminara i slično? Je li sloboda potrošiti novce, biti u nesvjesti nekoliko sati, morati se oporavljati dan-dva? Tada sam mislila da je to sloboda. Ono za što sam osjećala da je sloboda je bilo onih par trenutaka totalne opuštenosti, tuposti i nerazmišljanja. Pa onda mamurluk, oporavak i grižnja savjesti kao cijena te kratkotrajne nesvjesne slobode?

VEZA S VEZOM

Nisam uopće o ovome htjela pisati. Htjela sam pisati o vezama. S obzirom da, čini mi se dugo, nisam u vezi, počela sam stvarati prinčeve i čudesne šume u svojoj glavi. Stvorila sam si idealnu sliku veze, u kojoj sam slobodna, a opet privržena i odgovorna. Naišla sam u zadnje vrijeme, a možda nailazim nekako kompulzivno i cijeli svoj život na ljude koji ne žele biti u vezi. I ja sama neko vrijeme nisam željela biti u vezi, pa sam to i govorila osobama s kojima sam bila u nekakvoj vezi i time se  rješavala bilokakve odgovornosti. Da, možemo se družiti, biti skupa, ići u kino i ljubiti se, ali ovdje potpisujem da nismo u vezi. Što bi značilo: radim što želim, a ti se nosi. Sada o tome mislim: nepošteno.

Cijela ta priča oko toga da moramo odlučiti da smo od sada u vezi, pa će se odjednom sve promijeniti zbog toga je grozna! Ionako ne možeš odlučiti biti u vezi, ili ti se dogodi ili ne. Družiš se s nekim, lijepo vam je. Želite provoditi vrijeme skupa. I da, u jednom trenutku možda treba donijeti odluku biti u vezi  što samo znači: dobro nam je, želimo još. Otkuda toliki strah/otpor/užas za biti malko odgovoran i za drugoga?

Ako sam u vezi, onda MORAM to, to i to. Ne mora biti tako. Znam da idealiziram, ali se nadam da će moja idealizacija naići na stvarnost. Vidjet ćemo! Ako je suditi po zapisima na palminom lišću, od prije nekoliko tisuća godina, ima da se udam prije slijedećeg proljeća. A i dosta je bilo više soliranja. Neka se prava osoba pojavi! Je li bolje reći ‘adekvatna’? Prava je malo ofucano. A kad ta dođe, čut ćete me kako poričem sve što sam ikada napisala. Ovdje. Na blogu.

 

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So… I have been thinking again. And here comes the opportunity to shake it out from my head onto this electronic page.

THE BODY IS A TEMPLE

• Firstly, what would a temple be? A temple, an ashram, a holy space… To put it bluntly, it is a physical space in which we enter for a particular reason. We show certain respect before even entering. Maybe we take off our shoes, genuflect, bow down, stop for a moment in silence, put our hands together. Already at the entrance we feel different, and respectful. Later we do whatever it is we do, but how do we do it? With a sense of peace and gratitude; nicely and humbly (not with humiliation, but with humility, notice the difference), in love, with a wish, in gratitude. Let us say it would be a place we approach gently and leave with a feeling of fullness and contentment.

 

• What about the body? Our body is just a form that develops in our mother’s womb, just to exit it all wrinkled and wet, then grow, develop, grow old and die. Through our bodies we express, act and interact with others. We usually wash, feed and take care of it. And make use of it. How? In too many ways! The body is also that part of us we fully identify with, we think: the body is me. Even though we do say: my body. If the body is ‘mine’, and not just ‘me’, who is the one owning the body? Maybe something or someone else? Hmmmm.

So, the body is a temple.

Connect the dots.

I have to admit I had myself not understood the expression: the body is a temple. Living in India for a year, where the idea of bodily differs from ours, and adding to that the ashram life, where itself the body consciousness and its sanctity is highly taken into consideration, I started to see my body in a different way, to feel it more, to contemplate on it. Why would India have such an effect on me? Well, India, at least from my experience, is a country where the common belief (maybe not behaviour) is that sex before marriage is not right. In that context, my understanding would be that sex is the crown for love. More often than not is is the other way round. I say often, but all this is very individual, regardless of the culture we belong to. All sorts of things are there.

What really hits me is how little we cherish this body. Or if we do, maybe we overrate it? Do we fear to share it? How many taboos and problems today can we connect to the physical aspect of our lives? How aware are we that by sleeping with another person we share ourselves not only physically, but on other levels, more subtle layers of our existence? Do we know we are sharing pure energy, love itself?

Do we fall into the promise of short-term happiness? Do we offer ourselves fully for a few moments of experiencing belongingness? Do we even know how to share ourselves? How do we do it?

I do not know. Think about it. Love and cherish your body as you would divinity itself, but yet forget not you are not only that. Know you are much more.

How do you approach your temple, your body, and how would you like to approach it? How would you like others to approach it? Do you see your body as a temple? An extra drawer to stuff anything in?

WE WILL ANYWAY DIE

Guru told us a story the other day how a professor was complaining about the children’s attitude that they will anyway die, so why not have fun (drink, smoke etc.) while they can? Yes, we will anyway die, or rather, as Guruji puts it: You will not leave the body; it will drop you.

The body is curiously resistant. We stuff what not – in and on it, we use so many ways to torture this body and yet it endures and regenerates, lives, takes it in and fixes all we destroy. Again, there is such a difference in the quality of our life depending whether we are healthy, light and relaxed or sick, heavy and stressed. Even pampering the body we should do in moderation, there is no need to preserve it as if it is going to go on forever. To be free yet devoted and responsible.

What a beautiful sentence. With this I would continue another topic that has to do with relationships. To be free yet devoted and responsible. When are you really free? When you do what is being asked of you, or what you ask of yourself. When you fully take responsibility, only then you are fully free. Earlier I thought that freedom is to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon and miss all my lessons at college. Is there freedom in feeling guilty for the missed lessons, unwritten seminars etc.? Is there freedom in spending money, be unconscious for a couple of hours, having to recover a day or two from the damage done? At that time I thought it to be freedom. What I felt freedom to be are those few moments of total relaxation, numbness and not thinking. Then a hangover, two days of recovery and guilt being the price for that short-term happiness.

 

CONNECTING TO RELATIONSHIPS

What I just wrote was not what I had in mind. I wanted to write about relationships. Considering I have not been in one for a while, I started to create princes and magical forests in my own mind. I have created an image of the ideal relationship, in which I am free, yet devoted and responsible. In my life I have come across, or rather have been coming across people who do not desire relationships. I, myself had one of those periods when I did not want to be in one and therefor automatically ridding myself of any kind of responsibility. Yes, we can hang out, be together, go see a film, even make out, but hereafter I declare we are not in a relationship. What really meant: I do what I want and you can be off. Now what I think of that is: unfair.

The whole idea of having to decide that from now on we are in a relationship, and everything between us will change all of a sudden is terrible! You cannot really decide to be in a relationship, it either happens or does not happen. You spend time together, you have a nice time. You want to spend more time together and yes, at a particular moment you can make that decision to be in a relationship – which really means: we are having a nice time and we want to spend more of it together. Where does that fear/resistance/terror come from, just from having to have a little extra responsibility for another? If I am in a relationship, then I need to this this and that. It does not need to be like that. I know I am idealising, but my idealisation will once come across reality. We shall see! If it is to be judged by the inscription written on palm leaves a few thousand years ago, I will be married before next spring. Enough of going solo, really. Let the right person come my way! Or better to say: the adequate person. The right person sounds corny. And when it happens, you will hear me deny all I have written. Here, on this blog itself.