Ne znam kako se to točno dogodi. Budem u nekoj magli i ništa ne razumijem i sva se mrštim, i pokušavam shvatiti. I onda u jednom trenutku jednostavno – heureka!

Tako mi je danas nešto sjelo, kao ono kad se zavališ u fotelju i opustiš mozak potpuno.

Cijelu godinu u Bangalore-u sam učila i učila i učila, u svakom trenutku kada bi mi nešto bilo teško, nejasno, kada bih bila tužna, nezadovoljna – imala bih stopostotnu podršku. Susjeda bi mi skuhala večeru kada mi se ne bi jelo skuhano, imala sam Swamija za susjeda, čija su vrata uvijek otvorena, prijatelja koji bi me u svakom trenutku dana i noći pomogao riješiti problem, cimerice koje su me bez riječi osude uvijek saslušale. Totalno zbrinuta! I tada sam znala imati teških trenutaka, ali bila sam kao dijete, zamotana u dekicu, zbrinuta, sačuvana. Imala sam priliku učiti od drugih, biti mažena i pažena – sudjelovati koliko sam htjela.

Sada imam novu priliku. Dobila sam ulogu malo veće odgovornosti, u svakom pogledu. Imam tri domene u kojima djelujem, što se tiče baš konkretno posla. Jedan je uredski posao, gdje šaljem mailove, pišem tekstove, slažem liste i slično. Moderna sekretarica. Drugi je menadžerski aspekt, brinem o ljudima koji dolaze tu u Bad Antogast, u našu Art of living kuću i ostaju s nama neko vrijeme, od dva dana do dva-tri mjeseca. I treći je posao učiteljice, ujutro i navečer vodim program, a nekad vikendom tečajeve.  Sve što sam htjela i sve što znam raditi otprije, samo se sada spojilo u tri posla odjednom i pregršt odgovornosti.

Kako se snalazim? Fenomenalno!

Kakve prilike mi se ukazuju da naučim? Bezbrojne i teške!

Kako djelujem na van? Sabrano, kao da znam što radim.

Kako sam iznutra? Da prostiš, usrana ko grlica.

Sve ono što sam htjela da mi postane dio života, postalo je, imam SVE. I bome, mamice, nije lako. Kaže mama: nemoj se razboliti od previše posla. Nisam se još razbolila. Ali mogla bih, doduše ne od posla, nego hladnoće! Ova Crna Šuma je Sibir Europe…

Najbolje se uči kad te baci u vatru. Možeš sjediti doma i učiti francuski s internet tečajevima godinama i ne savladati jezik kako treba. Ili možeš završiti u Francuskoj među ljudima koji ne govore ni rječ’ce nijednog drugog jezika osim pantomime i savladati veliki komad jezika, već u tjedan dana.

Pa eto me sad, u vatri!

S onu stranu ogledala: Imam svoju sobu, lijepa je i prostrana. Napravila sam si krevet na podu, u indijskom stilu, i dobila madrac napunjen heljdom – njam! Gospođa iz južne Koreje mi se uhvatila gležnjeva i nemilosrdno stišće akupunkturne točke. Počela sam raditi Ashtanga yogu (goo goo gooogle) svako popodne. Za dva dana imamo Yogathon, radit ćemo 108 pozdrava suncu. Kiša pada, šuma je i dalje zelena, svuda okolo šušte potoci i rječice. I posljednje, ali ne i najmanje bitno: našla sam si pravoga. Ili je on našao mene?

No, o tome više idući tjedan. Stavljam sliku da probudim znatiželju, ali šutim dok sve ne izblebećem upravo ovdje, idući tjedan.

Za kraj notica za izgubljenog prijatelja u svijetu depresije – bez obzira kako nekome izgleda život na vani, pobrini se malo bolje da se približiš i pitaš i vidiš kako je iznutra. Podigni raspoloženje bar jednom osobi baš danas, nemoj dopustiti da itko prođe kroz tvoj život, a da nisi bar jednom iskreno upitao: Kako si? Jel’ ti treba nešto? Možda sačuvaš nekome život.

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I do not know how exactly it happens. I reside in some kind of fog and do not understand anything and then I frown and attempt to understand. Then in one moment it simply occurs – eureka!

In the same way, today something came into place. Like falling into an armchair and instantly relaxing your whole brain.

One whole year in Bangalore I was learning and learning and learning, any moment I felt heaviness, lack of clarity, when I would be sad, unsatisfied – I would have 100% support. My next-door neighbour would make me dinner when I had not felt like eating from the common kitchen, I had a Swami for another neighbour whose doors were open at all times, a friend who would assist in solving a problem for me, be it day or night, roommates who would have listened to me without an inch of judgment. Totally taken care of! I have had my heavy moments, but I was like a child, wrapped in a blanket, fully protected. I had a chance to learn from others, to be taken care of, to be involved however much I wanted to be.

Now a new opportunity presented itself. I received a role with more responsibilities. My work is in three domains: One being an office job, I send emails, write texts, make lists etc. – your modern secretary. The other is a people management job: to take care of people who come to Bad Antogast, our Art of living house, and stay for a while, be it two days or two-three months. And third is the teacher job – I lead the morning and evening program, and teach courses on some weekends. Everything I wanted and knew how to do from before, now came together into one job and a pile of responsibilities.

How am I coping? Phenomenally!

What kind of opportunities do I have to learn? Numerous and difficult.

How do I seem on the outside? Calm, as if I know what I am doing.

How I really am on the inside? To be rude: scared shitless.

Everything I wanted to be part of my life, became so, I have it ALL. And you know mommy, it ain’t easy. My mom says: don’t get sick from all this work. I did not get sick yet. It could happen, but not from work, rather from the cold! This Black Forest is Europe’s Siberia.

The best kind of learning comes from throwing oneself into fire. You may learn French at home, using internet courses and not get a hang of the language for years! Or you may end up in France amongst people who speak not even a sound of another language, except miming – and get hang of a large chunk of the language in a week!

So, there I am – thrown into the fire.

Through the looking glass: what the world is like on the other side of a mirror’s reflection. I have my own room, it is pretty and spacy. I made my bed on the floor, Indian style and got a mattress filled with buckwheat – yummy! A lady from South Korea has got hold of my ankles and is ruthlessly pressing on acupuncture points. I started to practice Ashtanga (goo goo google) yoga daily. In two days we are having a yogathon so we will do a 108 sun salutations. The rain is falling, the forest is green, streams and creeks flowing. And last, but not least: I found myself the right one. Or has he found me?

More on that next week. I am posting a picture just to tickle your imagination, but I remain silent until next week when I will blab everything right here, on the blog.

And in the end a short note for a friend lost in the world of depression – no matter how one’s life may seem, take a closer look, ask and notice how is it on the inside. Uplift at least one person today itself, do not allow anyone to pass by you/your life, without honestly asking even once: How are you? Do you need anything? You might save a life.