Skužila sam danas… Započevši ovu rečenicu shvatila sam (evo opet!) da moram prestati počinjati blogove sa: “shvatila/skužila sam”. Iako, tako to ide: dok nešto ne shvaćam, teško ću o tome pisati ovdje. Kad ne shvaćam, za to imam drugi blog/anonimus, kao polu-javni dnevnik, u kojeg upisujem glavobolje, neuroze, sreće i strahove samo sebi razumljivim jezikom, usudila bih se reći, pomalo pjesničkim. Nisam Damir Urban da “Govorim u Snu”, ali mogu proći, onako, kroz ušicu igle.

Dakle, između ostalog, shvatila sam danas, ako ne i ranije u životu, da imam pregršt predobre glazbe. Kao prvo, moja je, pa sam sve sama birala. Oko 90-ak gigabyte-a većinom, VEĆINOM, odlične glazbe. Meni odlične. Evo upravo mi svira Balaševićev “D-mol”, iznenađenje iz mladosti. Kad uključim da mi svira “nasumice” cijela lista, nekada kao da me prati u raspoloženju i svira mi po želji. Iznenadi me. Ponudi mi bolje nego da sam sama birala. Nekad mislim da znam što je “najbolje za mene”, kakvu haljinu želim (Eleonora, želim novu haljinuuuu!), što želim jesti za ručak, kada je pravo vrijeme za šetnju. Sve mi to nalaže moj super (evo ga, kao naručen svira Urban, nisam li ga prizvala?), intelekt. Ja pametna, pa znam što je za mene najbolje. Nije li to krasno? ALI KRIVO!

U rijetkim trenucima u životu kad damo nečem novom priliku, redovito smo izuzetno iznenađeni, te koristimo onu ofucalu frazu: “Pojma nisam imala/imao da bi mi ovo moglo odgovarati!”, i “Nikad ne bih rekla/rekao”.

Sjećam se kad me davno, davno dečko nagovorio da kupim plišanu majicu crveno-crne boje gepard uzorka. Dotada sam nosila samo crnu odjeću, povremeno nešto crvenkasto, ali većinom široko, vrećasto, nedaj bože pripijeno. I eto me onda, u dućanu u toj majici koju inače ne bih ni dotaknula (kako moje starije sestre kažu) izoliranim štapom na daljinsko upravljanje. Prvo, kada sam se pogledala u ogledalo, nisam vjerovala koliko sam hot izgledala, a kasnije sam samo čekala prilike da je obučem vani.

Iznenađenje!

Svašta bi nas u životu iznenadilo, kada bismo dali priliku. Ne znam jesam li u ovom slučaju dala priliku, ili bi me život i ovako i onako iznenadio, ali eto, tu smo. Tko je tu? Eugene i Gordana. Rano je sad, rano za sve, ali zašto ne? Prošlo je tek mjesec dana, ali lijepih mjesec dana. Ne nazivam nas imenom (upravo se upalio govor od Gurujia, kaže: “Čemu brige? Brige su prepreka cvjetanju u božanskoj ljubavi”); ispričat’ ću vam priču, tako je možda bolje:

Jednog kišnog dana u Bad Antogastu, Gordana je bila u poslu, kojem je slijedilo još posla. Htjela se nakratko opustiti, ali tamo gdje je krenula, samo se još više uznemirila, pa se odlučila sakriti. Nije se uspješno sakrila, jer ju je netko pronašao, pitao je kako je, je li gotova s poslom, i bi li se igrala? To je bilo dovoljno da se Gordanin mozak rastopi u žvaku, zaboravi na sve i igra se dobacujući loptu vamo-tamo. Poslije su se Gordana i njen igrač prošetali po šumi, gledali zvijezde, pričali jedan o drugome, dijelili iskustva i grlili se u mraku. 

Priči nije kraj, tek se počela kotrljati. Počelo je s puno entuzijazma, nevjerice o ljepoti spoja, lijepim riječima, značajnim djelima, i tako se i nastavlja. Ali, sve se mijenja, iz trenutka u trenutak.

Sjećate se onog mog bloga, “Savršeni” (LINK), kojeg sam napisala u 3. mjesecu ove godine? Pa, nisam dobila ništa predaleko od SVEGA što sam tamo napisala. Jedino nije princ na bijelom konju, već više kao kakav crni vitez.

Ok, znam da smo znatiželjni ko psi, pa evo kost, dvje:

Englez je, iz Liverpoola, stariji par godina od mene, viši 10-ak centimetara, voli plesati i smijati se. Totalno me obožava (što nije teško, kad sam takva, reklo bi se, savršena), oslobađa me teških misli, te me iznova i iznova iznenađuje svojom pažljivošću i dobrotom.

U vrlo konkretnom smislu nema ničeg puno za podijeliti. Oboje smo sada tu, u Bad Antogastu. Koliko će biti ovako, ne znam. Oboje imamo sumnji vezano uz zajedničko bivanje, ali jednako toliko nam je jaka i želja da provodimo vrijeme skupa.

Ja sam češće izvor problematika koje se odvijaju među nama, a on umirivač. No, sve je to za ljude.

Ime (broj slogova i sadržaj) i još par sitnica mu odgovara procjenama čitača palminog lišća, iako Guru kaže da se sva “proročanstva” tog tipa (astrologija) uz pristutnost učitelja, meditacijom i slično, mogu promijeniti .

Ne znam. Iskreno, ne znam. Tko bi ikada mogao išta znati? Ali nije da se ne nadam, nije da se ne bojim, nije da ne želim. Bože, iznenadi me, samo ovaj put, neka ne bude još jedno u nizu neugodnih iznenađenja.

Nekad mislim, avionu, slomit ću ti krila. Tolika sila me obuzme, ljutnja. Mislim se, poludjet’ ću uz još jedan “neuspjeh”, bilo prouzročen zbog mene ili druge osobe, Bože, satrat’ ću ja tebe, satareš li me još jedamput. Vjerovali ili ne, ispod ovog tvrdog i moćnog oraha, nalazi se krhki maslačak. S druge strane si mislim, ma samo daj, ništa me neće pokositi, sve ja mogu izdržati, SVE (prenježnim lijepim glasom pjeva mi u uho Regina Spektor: Lady).

I na kraju svira Nouvelle Vague cover pjesma: Love will tear us apart. Nego što će ljubav, nego nas rastaviti na proste faktore, razložiti nam sve obrasce, zamisli i nade? I nadam se, sastaviti nas nazad, učiniti nas življima, jačima, ljepšima.

Ljubavi, volim tebe samu.

Ljubav me liječi.

Ljubav me iscjeljuje.

Sastavlja me i rastavlja.

Gladi i udara.

Nitko me, Ljubavi, ne bi brže naučio svemu čemu me ti učiš.

Ljubavi, njeguj me i ne puštaj me.

Slijedeći blog možda, ako me inspiracija bude još držala, razlike između odnosne i božanske Ljubavi, što im je zajedničko, gdje se preklapaju, gdje razilaze.

Što ti misliš o Ljubavi? Voliš li ti ljubav? Ili se ljutiš na nju? Ljubav Te Voli.

S ljubavlju, 
Gordana

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Today I got it…. Just by starting this sentence, I understood (there it is again!) that I need to stop starting all my blogs with “I understood”. Even though…that is how it is. Unless and until I get it, it is hard for me to write here. When I do not get it, I use other places, like my semi-anonymous blog, an almost public journal of sorts, where I write down all my headaches, neurosis, hippiness and fears in a language understandable only to me. I would dare say it even tends to be a bit poetic. I am not Jeff Mangum (Neutral Milk Hotel – a band), but I could be the next Thom Yorke (hahahahaha – here I used a Croatian singer for reference, and tried to translate in English, but I do not think many people get it even with my “translation”, please forgive me).

So, amongst other things, today I really got it: I have a really amazing music collection. First thing’s first: it is mine, therefor I chose all the music for myself to listen to. Around 90G, mostly, I say MOSTLY, amazing music. Amazing to me.

Just playing now is a song called “D minor” from a Serbian singer – Balašević, a surprise from the younger days (mine, not his). When I put all of my music on “random”, I often get surprised. Sometimes the music follows my mood and plays what I want. It offers me something better than I could have thought of. Sometimes I think I know what is “best for me”, what kind of dress I want (Eleonora, I want a new dress!) or what I want for lunch, when is the right time to go for a walk. All this is being dictated to me by my brilliant intellect. I am so smart, so I know what is best for me. Ain’t that sweet? But it’s WRONG!

In the rare moments we actually give something new a chance, we are regularly surprised beyond expectations, and tend to use these phrases: “I had no idea it would suit me so well” and “I would never have known”.

I remember a time long, long ago when my then boyfriend talked me into buying a red and black, cheetah pattern top, that I would normally not ware. I used to wear loose, black clothes, with an occasional patch of red. And there I was wearing a top that I would normally (as my elder sisters would say) not even touch with a remotely operated insulated stick.

When I saw myself in the mirror, I could not believe how hot I looked like, and later just waited for opportunities to wear it out.

Surprise!

Different things in life would be surprising us if we would give them a chance. I really do not know if in this case I gave a chance, or would life have surprised me whether I liked it or not, but there you go. Who goes where? Eugene and Gordana. It is early, early to say, but let us not yet say nay. It has been a month, but a beautiful month. I do not call this anyhow (Guruji’s talk came up on “random”, he says: “What is the point in worrying? Worrying is the obstruction to blossom in divine love”), so it might be best to tell you a story:

On a rainy day in Bad Antogast, Gordana was working, after having worked some more, she wanted to relax. The place where she was heading to made her even less relaxed, so she decided to hide. She had not hid well, because someone had found her. He asked her how she was, and if she had finished work, and was she up for playing? That was enough for Gordana’s brain to melt, to forget about everything and play ball. Later Gordana and her player went for a walk in the forest. They looked at the stars, talked about each other, shared experiences and hugged in the dark.

The end of the story is not there, it just started to unfold. With a lot of enthusiasm, disbelief of the beauty of the connection, wonderful words and deeds that matter, it continues to roll on. But, everything changes, from one moment to the next.

Remeber that blog of mine, “The perfect one”, I wrote in March this year (LINK)?

Well, I was not far off from EVERYTHING I wrote there. The only thing is that he is not my prince on a white horse, but more of a black knight in shining armour.

Okay, I am aware of how curious you must be, so I will throw you a bone or two:

He is British, from Liverpool, a few years older, about 10 centimeters taller, loves to dance and laugh. He adores me (not so hard to do, as I am, how to put it lightly – perfect). He liberates me from heavy thoughts, and incessantly surprises me with his kindness and care.

Very concretely, there is nothing more to say. We are both here, in Bad Antogast. How long will it be like this, I do not know. We both have doubts about being an ensemble, and desire as much to spend our time together.

I am mostly the source of any kind of problems between us, and he the peacemaker. That is all just human nature.

His name (number of syllables and content) and a few more details corresponds to the assessments of the palm leaf readers, even though the Guru says that all such predictions (astrology) in the presence of a master, or by meditation etc. can change.

I do not KNOW.  Who could ever really know? But it is not that I do not hope, fear and desire. God, please surprise me, this time only let it not be one of your unpleasant surprises.

Sometimes I am thinking I will go crazy, such anger comes over me. I keep thinking how I will go mad if I face another “failure”, whether coming from me or the other person. “God, I shall smite you, if you smite me one more time”. Believe it or not, under this tough nut, there is a delicate flower.

On the other hand, I am thinking, oh, just get on with it, anyway, nothing can slash me, I can endure ALL (Regina Spektor is humming most gently in my ear the song named Lady).

And here, at the end, Nouvelle vague is playing their cover song of Love Will Tear Us Apart. What other could love do, but dismantle us, delete all our patterns, firm ideas and hopes? And then put us back together, make us more alive, stronger and more beautiful.

Love, I love you.

Love cures me.

Love heals.

Connects and dismantles me.

Caresses and beats me.

None other than you, Love, would teach me faster what you teach me.

Love, care for me and do not let go of me.

For the next blog I might elaborate, if the inspiration will still be there, to name the differences between divine and relationships Love, where they come together, where apart?

What r your thoughts on Love? Do you love Love? Or are you maybe angry at it? Love loves you.

With love,

Gordana