PRVI DIO: LJUDI

Što je to s ljudima kad kažu: Nemojmo pričati o tome, o toj osobi? Razumijem da ne treba pretjerivati u tračanju i premeljavati (ovo uopće nije bila riječ, ali je upravo sada to postala) nekoga ili nešto ili neku situaciju. Shvati, vidi, otpusti ili djeluj. Da zauvijek šutim ako me nešto muči, jer nije lijepo govoriti ružne stvari?

Iskustvo iz školskih i studentskih dana me uči kako su mi situacije i ljudsko ponašanje bili teža boljka –  bilo da se radilo o globalnom zatopljenjenju ili nejavljanju najboljeg prijatelja. Mogla sam satima pričati o tome kako se grozno osjećam, kako je nepravedno ponašati se prema prirodi i ljudima onako kako se ponašamo. Najčešće bih se uslijed najmučnijih trenutaka napila ko prase, pa bih se još malo žalila, možda plakala, a nekad i otišla van plesati. Ništa od navedenog me nije vodilo ka razrješenju boljke. Htjela sam da se osoba ili situacija promijeni. Ja sam bila u pravu. I nisam prestajala govoriti niti misliti o tome.

Slijedeća je bila faza opraštanja i razumijevanja. Par godina sam samo opravdavala ljudsko ponašanje i razumijevala kako je drugima; zašto su bili takvi kakvi su bili – bilo im je teško, sjebani su (pardon, nešto psujem na hrvatskom u zadnje vrijeme), imali su problema u životu i bla truć. Imala sam neograničeno suosjećanje za druge, za sebe nula bodova. I dalje sam se osjećala poprilično jadno i nesretno.

Treća faza je naplavila na obalu smeće zadržano u utrobi moje rijeke. Dosta mi je bilo svih i svega, nek se svi gone k vragu! Ljudi su totalni debili , te nesposobni i nerazumni.

Zatim shvaćanje da nije da su ljudi povrijedili mene, već sam ja ostala povrijeđena nečijim ponašanjem. Subjekt, činioc se promijenio.

Sada vjerujem u to da kad te nešto muči treba biti izgovoreno, izrečeno, pušteno na slobodu – poput loše tajne. Ispljuneš je van i ona gubi na snazi, bude zaboravljena. Ako i ne zaboravljena, makar gorčina vezana uz problem se posladila. Zatim – akcija. Ispravno djelovanje.

Danas me ljudi i povrijede i budem povrijeđena od ljudi. Budem ljuta, budem u pravu ili ne budem u pravu. Prvo poželim izgovoriti sve što mi dođe o određenoj osobi i situaciji. Kad sam se dobro naizgovarala (trajanje je relativno, ali najčešće ne traje duže od dan-dva), zašutim i pokušavam smirenog srca promotriti što se uistinu dogodilo meni i toj osobi. Gdje je nastao kratki spoj i zašto? Što me najviše boli u ponašanju drugoga? Zašto želim da se druga osoba ili data situacija promijeni?

Sva sreća, znam se izliječiti od problema sama ili uz pomoć drugih. Imam divne ljude oko sebe. I Gurua. I Božansko.

Jednom kad sam sebe namirila i riješila, onda gledam kako mogu pomoći drugome ili je najbolje maknuti se potpuno od te osobe. Taj dio mi je najteži. Nema smisla forsirati nešto što stvarno ne ide i nije zdravo ni za koga.

Kao dijete sam brzo stvarala prijatelje. Kako smo se puno selili, nisam htjela nikoga izgubiti. Uvijek bih se čudila kada bi se netko prestao družiti samnom. Zašto? Nije mi bilo jasno. Prijatelji bi trebali biti zauvijek. No, ljudi su dolazili i odlazili, i većinom sam ja bila ta koja odlazi. Danas mi je najteže reći: ne trebaš mi, ne zanima me što radiš, nije mi važno da se vidimo. Ne samo reći, nego pomisliti. Koliko god to ima veze sa strahom da ću nekoga izgubiti, toliko je prisutna i znatiželja koju imam za živote ljudi.

Odnosi s ljudima su najteža stvar, pročitala sam kod jednog od učitelja Theta iscjeljivanja: odnosi s ljudima su onakvi kakav je naš odnos s nama samima.

Sad ti to prihvati, pa shvati i kreni dalje.

 DRUGI DIO: SVAKODNEVICA

Kao i u Indiji tako i ovdje, dani u ashramu, a vjerujem i u svačijem životu, imaju neki raspored. Ovdje se ne dižem u 4h45 kao u Indiji, jer je do osam sati još uvijek mrkli mrak. Dižem se u šest, radim yogu, vježbe disanja i meditiram. Doručak do 8h30, pa poso. Pauza za meditaciju prije ručka i ručak, pa svježa u popodnevnu smjenu. Mala pauza, pa večera u 18h00 i satsang (pjevanje i plesanje) u 19h30, u 20h gledamo 15 minuta video predavanje. Nakon toga ludilo!

Nema kuhanja… Šmrc. Nekad mi baš nedostaje kuhati. Ali čini se suludo kuhati pored tri skuhana obroka dnevno.

Povremeno izlazim, iako je kuća ogromna i nekad ima i previše događanja. Stalno se izmjenjuju ljudi, pa nekad sviramo, nekad imamo disco večeri, nekad jedemo kolače i slavimo rođendane. Nekad šutimo, nekad se smijemo. Dolaze ljudi na tečajeve i odlaze. Dolaze volonteri, odlaze i vraćaju se ponovno.

Išli smo neki dan na kuglanje. Bilo je totalno zakon. A bilo je totalno zakon jer sam rasturila u kuglanju. Nevjerovatno, ali istinito. Ne bih rekla da sam ikada bila naročito uspješna u bilo kojem sportu, ali kuglanje mi ide!

Bila sam i na koncertu dječačkog ruskog zbora u obližnjoj crkvi. Bilo je – wow! Ne čudim se što su u prošlosti išli tako daleko da su postajali eunusi zbog glasa. Dječaci su pjevali božanstveno.

Povremeno mi nedostaje poslušati u živo kakav dobar bend, ali da baš hoću našla bih i to, možda u Strasbourgu, u Francuskoj. Ne vjerujem njemačkom glazbenom ukusu u malim gradovima.

To su bile vijesti iz Gordanine zemlje i Gordaninog svijeta. Do čitanja. Dogodine.

Nadam se da uživaš u blagdanima. Sve najbolje.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

PART 1: PEOPLE

What is it with people when they say, “Let us rather not talk about it”? I can understand that gossiping does not take you anywhere. Just do what it takes to comprehend, let go and then act accordingly. But to be silent forever if something is bothering me because it is not nice to say not so nice things?

In my experience from school/university days situations and people’s behaviour used to terribly bother me. Whether it was about global warming or my best friend not talking to me, I could spend hours on how it made me feel, how unfair it is to behave, as people do, to nature and people. In the hardest of times, I would get drunk as all f***, complain more, cry or dance. Neither helped. I wanted for the person, the situation to change, because I was right. I could have not stopped thinking or talking about it.

Then it was all about forgiveness and understanding. For a few years I was justifying people’s behaviour. They must have had a hard time, other problems to deal with etc. etc. I had unlimited understanding and compassion, but not for myself. I still felt pathetic and unhappy.

Third phase was garbage a overflow phase. I was fed up with everything and everyone; let them all go to hell. People are idiots; incompetent, unreasonable…

I arrived to another level of understanding: it is not people who hurt me; I was hurt by their behaviour. The subject changed.

Now what bothers me has to be said; spoken out like a bad secret. You spit it out and it looses power, it is forgotten. If not forgotten, then at least the bitterness attached becomes sweeter. Then – proper action.

People still hurt me and I get hurt by people. I get angry and feel that I am right or not so right. It takes me a few days just to talk it out.  Then I can, with a calm heart, observe in order to understand what really had happened between me and the other person. Where did we get short-circuited? Where and why does it hurt me the most? Why do I wish for the person or situation to change?

Luckily enough, I know how to heal, myself or with the help of others. I truly have amazing people around me. And the Guru. And the Divine.

When I am done with taking care of me, then only I attempt to help the other person or just move away. If I see it is really not working out between us and is not healthy for both included, I drop it. That part has proven to be the most difficult for me.

As a child I made friends with ease. We kept moving quite a bit and I was keen on keeping friends. I would be surprised when people would stop being friends with me. Why, I used to think, did they leave me? Friends should be forever and ever. People came and went and it was mostly me who was doing all the going away. Today I find it most difficult to say, I have no need for you, I am not interested in what you do, it is not important for me to stay in touch. Not to say, just to think it. As much as it has to do with fear of losing people, it is also an extreme curiosity about people’s lives.

Relationships are the most difficult thing in life. I have understood and agree with something I had learned from one of the Theta healing teachers: relationships reflect one’s own relationship to oneself.

Go figure how to accept, comprehend and move on by having this piece of information.

 PART 2: DAILY LIFE

In India, as well as here, in the ashram, and anyone else’s life for that matter, there is a schedule of sorts. Here I cannot wake up at 4h45 like I used to do in India, because it is dark till eight. I wake up at six, do some yoga, breathing exercises and meditate. Breakfast is until 8h30, then work. Meditation break, lunch and afternoon part of the job. A one-hour break, then dinner at six, satsang at 19h30, at 20h we watch a short talk and then we go crazy.

No cooking… Sniff. Sometimes I really miss cooking. It seems crazy to cook next to three prepared meals a day.

From time to time I go out, even though the house is enormous and often many things are happening. People keep coming and going. Sometimes we play music, sometimes we have disco evenings., sometimes we have cake and celebrate birthdays. People come to do courses and leave. Volunteers keep coming and going and some return.

We went bowling the other day, all the volunteers. It was totally awesome. Why was it totally awesome? Because I kicked some serious butt in bowling. I am a natural. I could not say I had much luck or success with any kind of sport, but bowling seems to be my thing.

I also attended a concert of a Russian boys’ choir in a nearby church. It was – wow! I am not surprised that we used to have eunuchs. The boys’ singing was divine.

From time to time I wish to go to a live concert, and if I really wanted to I could find one in France, in Strasbourg. I do not trust the musical taste of a small German town.

Those were the news out of Gordana’s world. Until the next. Year.

Hope you are enjoying the holidays. All the best.