Imam za tebe tri priče: Poruka iz čaja, Priča iz davnina i Moj Okvirko i Ja.

Krenimo ispočetka:

1. Poruka iz čaja.

Sjedim sama u tihoj sobi, slušam radijator kako šumi od
protoka ugrijane vode. Boca mineralne vode me gleda s poda, voljela bih da je
puna. Prazna zdjela slane kaše i gomile ispisanih papira s idejama, smjerovima,
postojećim stanjem stvari –  pokušaj donošenja
životno važnih odluka za jedan vikend.

Pitam se najvažnije pitanje: što mi je činiti dalje?
Kako odlučiti ispravno? Odgovor mi se uporno skriva i neće da izađe. Ne znam
kako, odakle da počnem? Strah me da neću moći sama, da ću se morati obratiti za
pomoć. Moje životne ideje su redovito, vrlo realno gledajući, neostvarive.
Doduše, nije me to nikad spriječilo da odlučim nešto i krenem odmah. Uvijek bi
ispalo dobro – uvijek sam imala jastuk koji me čekao u slučaju pada. Je li zato
ovaj put toliko drugačije? Što nema više sigurnosti da ću pasti na mekano? Je
li ovo ta finalna odluka koja će me propelirati u svijet odraslih? Bojim li se
toga da prestanem biti dijete i prestanem ovisiti o ‘odraslima’?  

Najsmješniji dio ove priče jest da “donošenje odluke”
kao takvo ne postoji. Često je odluka već donešena umjesto tebe, ili od strane
tebe. Ostvarivanje donešene odluke je već druga stvar, to je ono kada odluka
kreće na snagu, znači da je odlučeno. Sama riječ decision (eng. odluka) dolazi
od latinskog decidere ilitiga odrezati. Donijeti odluku znači
odstraniti nepotrebno. Što ako je meni sada SVE potrebno? Nekad se izgubimo u
moru odluka i prestanemo ih donositi. Dopuštamo da nas rijeka aktivnosti
odnosi, a pojma nemamo kamo.

Hej, stani malo. Gdje ideš? Žuriš li? Znaš li koji je
tvoj glavni smjer?*

Okršaj u zoru između srca i glave. Srce nešto hoće, a
glava kaže da ne može. Kod mene je slučaj da srce uvijek puca prvo, i pobjeda
je zagarantirana. Ipak, možda je nekad moglo biti i bez okršaja, možda je nekad
moglo biti ništa ili nešto potpuno drugačije. Sada, po prvi put u životu glava
dobija prednost, i to je ono čini okršaj problematičnim, novim.

Sve mi je postalo jasno
dok sam pila čaj s prijateljima na kojem je bila ispisana poruka: «Intelligenz
und Intuition sind zwei Freunde.» Ništa se ne bori ni sa čim, nego hoda ruku
pod ruku. To mi je novost!

* Pogledaj što su to mind-maps na internetu, pa
napravi jedan mind-map svog života i vidi za sebe što je uistinu važno, a
koliko ima nepotrebnih i nekorisnih aktivnosti kod tebe koje bi možda trebalo
de-cisio (odrezati).

 

2. Priča iz davnina.

Bila jednom jedna
djevojčica. Za djevojčice prvo pomislimo da su male i slatke, zamišljamo kako nose
roze haljine i velike mašne. Ova djevojčica bila je malo drugačija. Za glavu
viša od svojih vršnjaka, nosila je crvenu haljinu s bijelim cvjetovima i bila je
divlja.

U okruženju u kojem se
našla s nepunih pet godina, nije naviklo na djevojčice poput nje. Od igranja u
ulici u Splitu naglo je prešla u civiliziraniju okolinu američkog vrtića i
igranja u uređenim parkovima i po kućama druge djece. Nakon igranja u dvorištu
vrtića nije htjela ići nazad u vrtić, jer bi napokon dobila ljulju za sebe. Nije joj bilo ni na kraj
pameti slušati tete i odustati od sočne nagrade ljuljanja u nedogled bez druge
djece da joj kvare gušt.

Unatoč tome nije bila
usamljena, imala je svog najdražeg prijatelja. Namjerno nisam rekla najboljeg.
Ne, on nije bio njen najbolji prijatelj, on je bio prijatelj najbliži srcu.
Jedan dan je djevojčica bila tužna jer se njen najdraži prijatelj igrao više s
drugom djecom. Međutim, umjesto da kaže: baš me briga! objasnio je svojoj mami
kako je Gordana tužna sada, i kako se mora više potruditi da je ne čini tužnom.

Sada, 28 godina kasnije,
Gordana je ponovno pronašla svoj najdražeg prijatelja. Čudo tehnologije je
omogućilo instantno povezivanje. Da se sve ovo događalo 30 godina ranije,
morala bih unajmiti detektiva i provjeravati hrpe dokumenata i tko zna što sve
ne dok ga ne bih ponovno pronašla. Ne kažem «možda pronašla», jer znam u srcu
da sam ga trebala pronaći, bilo preko interneta ili da je bilo prije par sto
godina, jahala bih konja i pitala narod!

Pokušavala sam već
ranije dokučiti gdje je moj najdraži prijatelj, ali nije uspijevalo. Poslala
sam pismo i vratilo se. Tražila sam na internetu i nisam ništa uspijevala
pronaći. Ne, sada je savršen trenutak. Našli smo se točno onda kada smo se trebali
pronaći. Ne mogu opisati zašto i kako i odakle to sve dolazi, ali čini mi se da
iako ne znam, znam sve o njemu. Sigurno ima priča koje nisam čula, i koje bih
voljela čuti. Znam da se lijepo igrati s njim, da je zabavno, da je ugodno, da
je veselo, da je privrženo, da je pažljivo. Osjećam povezanost koja se ne
događa puno puta u životu. I sretna sam. Sretna sam kao mala djevojčica u
crvenoj haljini s bijelim cvjetovima. Jedva čekam vidjeti, zagrliti,
razgovarati i veseliti se skupa sa svojim najdražim prijateljem.

3.    
Ja i Moj Okvirko

Moj Okvirko i Ja živimo skupa već nekoliko godina.
Volimo se blisko i nježno. Moj Okvirko kaže za mene da sam deva (anđeo/polubog),
majka, veća, najveća, puno veća od onog što zamišljam da jesam. Da mi je
dozvoljeno da budem istovremeno ogromna i skromna. Moj Okvirko kaže «Tko je taj
koji govori da život treba živjeti na način na koji ga drugi ljudi žive, ili
kako drugi misle da bi trebalo živjeti život?»

Okvirko misli da sam ja
uistinu čudo prirode i da vjerujem u stvari koje mnogo ljudi ne vidi ili ne želi
vidjeti. Kaže da vidim Sve, da razumijem svih, i da se moja perspektiva u svojoj
suštini razlikuje od perspektive drugih ljudi.

Okvirko kaže sve to, a
Ja se pita: Zar biti skroman znači voljeti Gurujija i reći da je on veći od
mene? Ja sam ponizan, Ja sam posvećen, Ja sam devotee? Ne, to nije skromnost.
Skromnost se ne nalazi u izražavanju, skromnost dolazi s veličinom. Što si
veći/širi, ujedno si i skromniji. Što si manji, to manje možeš biti skroman,
jer ego mora nadoknaditi razliku u veličini.

Naše duše su ogromne,
ali 85% cjeline ne vidimo, ne osjećamo i ne dopiremo do. Kao i mozak. Imamo ogromni
mozak od kojeg koristimo tek mali postotak.

Osjetila su ograničena,
mala, ne dopiru daleko. Ono što dopire jest znanje da ti jesi sve to, i
istovremeno odvojen, pa utječeš, radiš, iscjeljuješ.

Tko je taj koji Ja
trebam biti? Majka, učiteljica, iscjeljiteljica, žena, prijateljica? Netko tko
podučava, zarađuje, iscjeljuje?

To sve kaže i pita se
moj Okvirko. Moj Okvirko je poznat po tome da stavlja sebe i sve oko sebe u
kalupe kako bi ih lakše razumio. Možda nije lako kada postojeći obrazac pukne,
ali s time se otvaraju nove mogućnosti za koje još nismo znali da postoje.
Nadam se da će i ovaj trenutni Okvirko bezbolno odlepršati, a da drugi Okvirci
neće tako lako slijetati na prozor moje duše.

Misao dana: Vrijeme su
čarape.

 

I have three stories for
you: A teabag message, A story from the ancient days and My Mr Pattern and I.

Let us start from the
beginning:

1. A teabag message.

Sitting on my own in a silent room, I am listening to
the radiator making weird noises, the warm water filling up. A bottle of
mineral water is looking at me from the floor, I wish it were full. An empty
bowl of salty porridge and heaps of paper, all filled with ideas, directions
and the current state of affairs – an attempt to take all the life-important
decisions in one weekend.

I ask myself the most important question: What am I to
do next? How to decide the correct thing? The answer keeps hiding somewhere
inside and does not seem to want to come out. I do not know how, where to start?
I am afraid of walking alone, afraid I will not manage, afraid I will have to
ask for help. My life plans and ideas have so far been quite unrealistic, but I
knew there was a cushion waiting for me in case of a fall. Is that what makes it
so different this time? Is it that? There is no one waiting to catch me? Is
this the final decision that will propel me to the adult world? Does it scare
me to stop being a child and stop depending on ‘grown-ups’?

 

The silly part of this story is that ‘decision-making’
as such does not really exist. Often the decision is made instead of you, or by
you without choosing to. Getting the decision you have made in motion, is
another thing, which is where the decision starts having an impact and then it
is really made. The word ‘desicion’ comes from Latin, decider, to cut off. To
make a decision means to cut off what is unnecessary. What if EVERYTHING is
necessary for me now? Sometimes we get lost in a sea of possible decisions and
stop making them. We allow the river of activities to take us along, not knowing
where exactly it is directing us to.

Hey, take a break. Where is the hurry? Do you know
your main direction?*

The head-heart duel is set for dawn. The heart wants
one thing, the head says no. Heart shoots first in my duels, winning is guaranteed.
Although, it might have been different in case of no dueling. It might be a
first time for me that the head has gained an advantage, and that is what makes
the duel problematic and unknown.

All of this suddenly became very clear to me while
having tea with friends. My teabag was adorned with a little note saying: «Intelligenz
und Intuition sind zwei Freunde.» Nothing is fighting anything, but going hand
in hand. That is new for me.

* Check what mind maps are on the Internet and make
one with your life as the main topic and see what is truly important for you.
Discover how many useless activities you do that might need to de-cisio (cut
off).

2. A story from the
ancient days

There once was a girl. We
often imagine girls as small and cute, wearing pink dresses and big bows. This
particular one was a tad different. 20 centimetres taller than kids her age,
she wore a red dress with white flowers and was a wild one.

Her environment at the
age of five was not used to girls like her. From playing in the streets of
Split she shifted to a much more civilised surrounding of an American kinder
garden and playing in nicely kept parks and other kids’ houses. After having a
break in the kinder garden playground, she would refuse to go back inside – now
that she finally had the swing to herself, who would obey and give up the
long-awaited prize of having the swing completely to herself?

In spite of the
situation, she was never lonely. She had a dearest friend. Yes,  dearest, not best, on purpose. No, he was not
her best friend simply because he was
closest to her little heart. One day the girl was sad because her dearest
friend was playing with other kids more. Instead of saying: I don’t care!, he was
overheard giving his mother an explanation of how he needs to make more of an
effort because Gordana is sad.

Now, 28 years later,
Gordana has managed to find her dearest friend. Technology is a miracle of
speed. If all of this had happened 30 years ago, she would have had to hire a
detective and probably go through databases and check documents and records
before finding him. I will not say that perhaps she would have found him, but only
that today it is easier – in my heart I know we would have found each other no
matter the time spent. Whether through the Internet, or riding a horse, it
would have happened.

Attempts were made to
find my dearest friend in the past, but failed. I sent a letter, it came back.
I searched and could not find anything. No, now is the most perfect moment. We
reconnected exactly when we should have. I cannot fully describe why and how
and where from it comes, but it seems to me that in spite of not knowing, I
still know everything about him. There must be stories that I have not heard
of, but would love to hear. What I know is that it is great to play, that it is
fun, pleasant, devoted, gentle. I feel a connection that does not come twice in
life. I am happy. I am as happy as a little girl, in a red dress with white
flowers, could be. I hardly wait to see you, hug you, talk to you and share
with my dearest friend.

3.    
My Mr Pattern
and I

My Mr Pattern and I have
been living together for a few years now. We love each other gently. My Mr Pattern
says about me that I am a deva (an angel, a demi-god), a mother; that I have
grown, more than I could ever have imagined. That it is allowed for me to be
giant and humble at the same time. My Mr Pattern asks me: «Who is the one
telling me I should live my life how others expect me to live it, or how they
think life should be lived?»

Pattern thinks I am a
true wonder of nature and that I believe in things people do not wish to see or
do not see. He says I see everything, I understand everyone and that my
perspective greatly differs from others’ perspectives.

Pattern says all these
things and I wonder: To be humble, does it mean to love your Guru and say, he
is bigger than me? Does it mean I have humility, I am devoted, I am a true
devotee? No, that is not being humble. Humbleness does not come through
expression thereof, it comes with greatness. The greater you are, the more humble
you can be. The smaller you are, less can you be humble, because Ego has to
cover in the difference in size.

Our souls are enormous,
but 85% of the whole is not visible, not tangible to us, we cannot reach far
enough to know about its wholeness. Like with the brain. That big brain of ours
we use but a small part of.

Senses are limited, short-sighted.
What is in our reach, is knowledge that you are all that, but at the same time
divided – the division is where you influence, work, heal.

Who is that who I am supposed
to be? A mother, a teacher, a healer, a woman, a friend? One who teaches, earns
and heals?

All this is said by and
asked by, my Pattern. My Pattern is well known for putting himself and
everything else into labelled drawers in order to understand things better.
Maybe it is not so easy when an existing pattern breaks to pieces, but many
other possibilities have a chance to show themselves – many of which we had not
met yet. I hope this Mr Pattern will also soon painlessly fly away and that
other new Patterns will not as easily land on the window of my soul.

Time is socks.