Lijepo sam se razbolila. Ne znam jesam li se kad ljepše.

Bila sam na predavanju/druženju s Viannom Stibal, osnivačicom
Theta Iscjeljivanja. Kad je predavanje počelo, malo sam šmrcala, curio mi je
nos i činilo mi se kao da mi lagana prehlada dolazi ususret. Do kraja
predavanja sam bila kompletno bolesna: nos mi je bio začepljen, pluća su me
bolila i grlo mi je bilo natečeno. Stanje među duhovnjacima popularno znano kao
‘čišćenje’.

Vianna je za vrijeme predavanja rekla kako iscjeljitelji vole
dramiti, i da se najčešće razbole, jer je to jedini način da odmore.
Zanimljivo, jer sam takva bolesna odmarala – od nekih poslova koje radim.
Ostatak dana sam snimala pjesme. Totalno bolesna, a hiperproduktivna. Mislim da
je i dijeta pridonijela razbolijevanju. Dijeta je ušla u slijedeću fazu, te
virtualno otvaram bocu šampanjca, tj. bocu domaćeg maslinovog ulja i slavim!

Odradila je dijeta svoje, skinula sam kila. Kako mi je rekao
kolega, kad sam mu se požalila da mi se sve promijenilo u tijelu i probavi i
načinu, količini i kvaliteti prehrane – ‘pa sada si kao druga osoba’. Valjda
jesam. Ova nova osoba ima puno robe koja visi na njoj. Nije toliko drastično,
još imam pupe.

Ayurvedski doktor me pitao, između ostalog vezano uz trenutno
stanje tijela, jel’ pišem. Pa
pišem, kažem ja, blog, priče, pjesme, pisma. Možda ne pišem dovoljno? Evo.
PIŠEM JOŠ. Napisala sam i svoju prvu priču, želim ih napisati još. Uistinu mi ne nedostaje tema, samo me
malko sram.

Predložio mi je da nađem projekt koji ću raditi sama, osim 7
poslova koje već radim? Pjesme? Možda nešto drugo? Što još mogu raditi da si
zaposlim ovaj neumorni mozak i neumjerenu količinu energije? Čekam vaše
prijedloge!

Nekad mi se sve čini totalno bajno i prekrasno, preplavljuju me
zahvalnost, sreća i ispunjenje, a druge dane se pitam čemu ovo sve, što ne bih
možda radila nešto drugo?

Najgori i najbolji je osjećaj slobode/neslobode. To me zna
izluditi. Neke dane mi se čini da sam slobodna raditi sve što poželim. Neke
dane mislim kako ništa ne valja i kako trebam raditi nešto sasvim drugo.

Nekad se osjećam izolirano od svijeta, a nekad mi se čini da u
svemu sudjelujem i da baš ništa ne nedostaje. Nekad (rijetko) se poželim
vratiti kući, ali tamo me više ne čeka ništa. Život kući odvija se u paralelnom
svemiru s mojim životom ovdje. Ne znam bi li se ikad mogla vratiti za stalno u
Hrvatsku, sada kad sam tu. A i ti crvi u guzici. Što da radim, gdje da idem
nakon Zadra, Rijeke, Zagreba i Brača? Jedino mi preostaje poharati Slavoniju,
iako mi se čini da bih tamo bila luđa nego u šumi. Ili krajnji jug? Onda bih «slučajno» završila u Albaniji ili
Grčkoj. Sada sam tu, en Europe
centrale, i tu ostajem do daljnjeg. Dok ne dobijem neke ideje o
Americi, Japanu i Africi.

Još jedna obljetnica uskoro, 11.6. će biti godina dana od kad
živim u Crnoj Šumetini.

Moj idealni scenarij za budućnost: zarađujem gomilu para, ne moram više NIKAD
misliti na novce. Imam mjesto gdje mogu parkirati bajk (kad ga kupim) i
pospremiti odjeću (buksa za odjeću ili tzv. nekretnina! pa makar bila garaža).
Jedan pre-dobar mali kufer (to zapravo imam). I nekoga da mi bukira putovanja.
U sklopu garaže gdje mi je parkiran bajk može i dnevni boravak s velikim
foteljama i stolom za masažu – Gordanina Iscjeljiteljska Oaza. Samo se ti smij,
ja šaljem ovim putem sve u Svemir, a Svemir valjda čuje sve želje. I naravno da
se ostvare samo one koje su za mene najbolje, a pritom i ostavljam velika
balkonska vrata otvorena ZA NEŠTO BOLJE od onoga što ja mogu smisliti.

Veća garaža? Vila? Iscjeljiteljski kompleks?!?

Nikad u životu me nije zanimao luksuz. Vremena se mijenjaju.
Mislim si, pa što ne bi ja imala što god poželim? Nije mi loše ovako kako mi
je, i stvarno sve što mi treba dođe. No, nešto me vuče da imam više. «I bi tako»,
šapuće mi Bog u uho. U horoskopu imam tog retrogradnog Saturna u 11. kući
dobitaka, tako da ide, ali uz veliku Ustrajnost. Usput rečeno, poskupili su mi
tretmani – u ime luksuza! Smiješno sam jeftina (bože, to grozno zvuči), i
osjećam da se ne cijenim dovoljno. Doduše, uvijek dobro pali i poštena izmjena
za rad. Uvijek može bolje. Svaki dan u svakom pogledu sve više i više
napredujem.

Dođe mi da kao na pazaru kažem: navali narode, vidim prošle
živote, pričam s vašim pokojnim bakama, nalazim izgubljene životinje,
popravljam slomljena srca… Sve što radim je, bez lažne skromnosti, odlično, a
što više ljudi dolazi, to postajem vještija. Od prvog dana prvog tečaja Theta
Iscjeljivanja, krenula sam u akciju. Prvo sam vježbala sa sestrom, pa s
prijateljima, poznanicima, pa onda i na nepoznanicima. Sve čega se primim, a ne
primam se baš tako lako, teško da odustanem, pogotovo ako se to nešto čega sam
se primila ujedno i mijenja i stalno me uči nečem novom, onda definitivno
ostaje. Volim učiti i jako lako i brzo učim kroz iskustvo.

Sve ove misli teku tako lako dok sjediš u svojoj sobi i
kontempliraš o vlastitom zadovoljstvu/nezadovoljstvu, ali kakva je u tome
uistinu vrijednost kad se ujutro probudiš rano, sunce te grije, a ne prži,
njemački butter bretzel ti se topi u ustima, riječica kroz Appenweier
tiho šumi, i lagano se šetkaš prema vlaku za koji si mislila da neće doći, on
ipak dođe i odveze te gdje želiš? Kao u životu, nekad kupiš kartu, i bude
štrajk vlakova, pa moraš promijeniti rutu. Nekad znaš da ti vlak neće ići, pa
te iznenadi, ipak dođe i sve bude kao po špagi. Jedno je definitivno točno:
element iznenađenja. Ili mjena je jedina stalna.

Kad sam bila mala, često bih rekla mami ili tati: meni je
doooosadnooooo!

Vjerovatno bi to njima postalo dosadno, ali bi mi sa strpljenjem
ponudili nekoliko opcija, koje bi mi obično sve bile nezadovoljavajuće. Isto
kao kad kažeš: mama, jel’ ima nešto slatko, a ona ti kaže: imaš banane. Kakve
banane, kad mi se jedu keksi (mmm domaćica), ili npr. Loacker, najbolje
napolitanke na svijetu?! ‘Jede mi se slatko’ i ‘nema ništa za raditi’ je samo
nezadovoljstvo u glavi. Neka vrsta potražnje.
Ponuđeno nije zadovoljavajuće. Da sam umjesto banane tražila i dobila
Loacker napolitanke, samo tako – puf! –
ili bih sa zadovoljstvom zadovoljila trenutnu potražnju, a u slijedećem
bi me snašla slijedeća; ili bih čak i tada bila nedovoljno zadovoljna, i
poželjela banane uz napolitanke. Možda i čašu mlijeka.

Uvijek je sve u glavi! Luda glavo, odlijepi se od potražnje!
Opusti se i voli i budi sada. Kako? Kako? KAKO? Kad su napolitanke tako fine.

Nakon izleta u Lindau, ništa se spektakularno nije dogodilo.
Nekoliko dana sam provela kod prijateljice, otamo sam radila i malo pomagala
oko novopridošlice u obitelj. Malo dijete je najslađe klupko smijeha. Došao je
i prošao Rođen Danko 33. Osim što sam se ‘nagradila’ i pojela dva velika komada
tiramisua, pa sam morala liječiti trbuh od pretrpanosti, te malo psovala od
glavobolje koja me snašla od slatkoće, cijeli dan je bio stvarno jako lijep
zahvaljujući prekrasnim prijateljima.

Za točno sedam dana, bit ću na ovom istom mjestu, pored
katedrale u Strasbourgu, slušati kako odzvanja 9 sati. Otići ću na sat yoge, pa
na ručak i onda na put-put-put pod noge – kući pjevajući. Veselim ti se ‘Rvacko,
zemljo domovino, kao ozebli suncu. Veselim se plaži, moru, sandalama,
sestricama i neradu. Ukulele, plaža i ja – i što ćeš više od odmora?

Već sada dok ovo pišem mogu pretpostaviti da neće biti baš tako,
jer crvi u guzi mi neće dati mira. Sigurno ću svaki dan imati nove planove za
nove avanture, a to ćemo zasada malo pričekati. Iako, snalazi me Šani (Saturnov
pod-pod-period) na 5 mjeseci. Moj usporeni prijatelj me možda dovede u stanje
mirovanja.

Do slijedećeg!

Kako ti odmaraš, prijateljice? Što je za tebe uživanje,
prijatelju?

U ljubavi,

Go.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I got sick in a lovely way. Not sure there was ever a prettier
way to get sick.

At the beginning of the talk/hangout with Vianna Stibal, the
founder of Theta Healing, I had a bit of a runny nose, it seemed like I would
be catching a cold. By the end of the talk I was seriously unwell: my nose was
completely blocked, my lungs felt heavy and throat fully swollen. A state of
being popularly known, in spiritual circles, as ‘cleansing’.

During the talk one of the things Vianna said was that healers
like to create a lot of drama, and that they get sick because that is the only
way to rest. I do create A LOT of drama and interestingly enough, being sick I
still rested well – from particular responsibilities. The rest of the day I was
happily recording songs. Completely ill, but hyper-productive. I think the diet
helped the whole thing. I am moving onto the next dieting phase, virtually
opening a bottle of champagne, I mean, home made olive oil and celebrating
away!

The diet made it, I lost some weight. As my colleague said,
after I was complaining about having experienced a thorough change in my body,
digestion and the way I eat, the amount and the quality of food, ‘as if you
were a different person’. I guess I might be. The new person has clothes
hanging off her. Not so dramatically, I still have my lovely love handles.

My ayurvedic doctor asked me, amongst other things considering
my current body state, if I was writing enough. I said, yes, a blog or two,
poems, letters. Maybe I am not writing enough? Here goes, WRITING MORE. I
recently wrote my first story and I wish to write more of them. I am just a
little shy to expose it.

He recommended me to do a solo project, except the 7 things I am
currently involved in, what more can I do? I write songs. Something else,
perhaps? What else could I possibly do to occupy this tireless mind or this
rocketing levels of energy? I am waiting for your suggestions!

Some days everything seems fairy-tale like and I just feel
gratitude, joy and fulfillment, and on other days I ask myself why I am here,
should I not be doing something else?

The best and the worst feeling is freedom and lack of freedom.
It can drive me crazy. Some days I feel free, I do what I wish to. Other days I
feel nothing is right and I should be doing something other than what I am
doing.

Sometimes I feel completely isolated from the world, and at
other times I feel like a part of it and there is no lack. Sometimes (rarely) I
wish to return home, but there is nothing there anymore. My life here is
happening in a parallel universe to the one at home. I do not know if I could
return to live in Croatia for good, now that I am here.  Where would I go after staying in Zadar,
Rijeka, Zagreb and Brač, the only thing left is Slavonia, even though it seems
crazier than in the forest. Or the far south, but then I would risk
accidentally ending up in Albania or Greece. Now, when I’m here, en Europe
centrale, I shall stay a while. Until I start getting ideas of America,
Japan or Africa.

Another anniversary is soon to come, 11 June will be exactly one
year since I have been living in the Black Forest.

My ideal scenario for the future: I am earning loads of money; I
do not EVER have to think about it, ever. I have a place where I can park my
bike and leave some of my clothes (assets! it can also be just a garage). A
good quality tiny suitcase (that I actually have). A person to book my trips.
As a part of the garage space where my bicycle is parked, there is a spacious
living room with grand armchairs and a massage table – Gordana’s Healing Oasis.
You can laugh, but I am sending it into Space, and Space can hear wishes. The
ones that are best for my wellbeing should come to be. I am also leaving the
double door of the balcony for ‘OR SOMETHING BETTER’ than I can imagine. A
bigger garage? A villa? A whole healing complex?!?

Luxury never was of interest to me. It started to be, times are
a-changing. I think to myself, why would I not have everything I want to? It is
not bad how it is, and everything I want does come my way. But, something is
compelling me to have more money. “So be it”, God whispers into my ear. Only
thing is that I have a retrograde Saturn in the 11^th house of gains
in my horoscope, so with me it will come with a lot of persistence. By the way,
my treatments are more expensive now – in the name of luxury! I am ridiculously
cheap (God, that sounds awful), I feel I am not acknowledging myself enough. A
fair trade for sessions is also quite good. It can always get better. Every day
in every way I progress more and more.

Sometimes I feel like yelling out loud, ‘come on people, dig in,
I can see past lives, connect you to your late grandmothers, I can find lost
animals and mend broken hearts…’ Everything I do is, without false modesty,
is just excellent. The more people ask me for assistance, the more skillful I
become. From the very first day of my very first course of Theta Healing, I
went straight into action. I practised first with my sister, then with friends,
then with people I know and then with people I have not met.

Once I start with something, and I do not start things very
easily, I just cannot drop it. Especially if the thing I am doing also keeps
changing and offering new knowledge, then it will definitely stick with me.

While you sit in your
room and contemplate about your own contentment or discontentment, thoughts keep
flowing easily, but what is their value once you wake early, the sun keeping
you warm, still not scorching hot, a German butter bretzel melting in
your mouth, the stream that goes through Appenweier gently shushing, you
strolling towards the train you thought would not come, but did and took you
where you wanted to go? Like in life, sometimes you get a ticket, but there is
a strike and you need to change the route. At other times you know the train
will not go, but it catches you by surprise and comes anyway. One thing is
definite: the element of surprise. Or only change is constant.

When I was a kid, I used to bother my mom or dad with: I am
soooo bored!

That was probably boring for them, but they would patiently
offer me a few options none of which I would accept. The same was asking: mommy
is there anything sweet in the house? and she saying, there are some bananas.
Bananas? I want to have biscuits, the good ones, or Loacker, the most tasty
ones. ‘I’m bored, there’s nothing to do’ or ‘I feel like eating something
sweet’ is just a discontented mind. A kind of want that occurs when what is
offered does not seem to be satisfying. If I had immediately got Loacker
instead of the bananas, just like that! – I would either satisfy the current
urge for that moment, and in the next crave something else, either I would want
to have both the bananas as well as the biscuits. And I might want to have a
glass of milk to go with.

Everything is just a matter of the mind. Crazy head, get unstuck
from wanting! Relax and love and be now. How? How? HOW? When the biscuits are
so fine. They just blow my mind.

After the Lindau adventure, nothing spectacular came to pass. I
spent a few days at my friend’s place, worked from there and helped out a with
the newcomer to the family. A child is like a little balloon of laughter. My
Birth Day no.33 arrived and went. Except from ‘rewarding’ myself with two big
pieces of tiramisu, then subsequently having to take medicine to get relief for
my stomach, swore a bit from the headache I got from all the sugar, it was
really nice

In exactly a week, I will be in this same place, next to the
cathedral in Strasbourg, listen to the bell go off 9 times. I will go for my
yoga class, then have lunch and go-go-go home, singing. I look forward to you,
Croatia, country of birth, as a person that is cold would rejoice in seeing the
sun again. I am looking forward to the beach, the sea, sandals, sisters and not
working. The ukulele, the beach and me. What more would you want from a
vacation?

Already now I know that it will not be like I imagine it,
because my restlesness will overruleit, I will surely have ideas for new plans
every day, new adventures, to see what will be, we need to wait a little.
Although, I am entering Shani (a Saturn period) for 5 months. My slow friend
here might bring me to a state of rest.

Until the next time!

How do you rest, friend? What for you brings enjoyment?

In love,

Go.