Samo sam htjela da znate da je TGV – train de grand vitesse ilitiga superbrzi vlak – samo vlak. Ima fensi ekran, poprilično dobra sjedala, koja za divno čudo nisu prekratka za moja dugačka leđa, te nisu iskrivljena i mogu lijepo glavu nasloniti, bez da pada iza. Jedan obični vlak. Moje mladenačke nade o super brzom super specijalnom vlakom – u vodu.

Obožavam ovaj iPad. Ima malu tipkovnicu koja je dovoljno velika da bude konkretna. Izbuljila sam si oči na onom malom ekrančiću od iPhone-a. Teško je pisati knjigu na hrvatskom bez dijakritičkih znakova. Živa muka ih je poslije tražiti i ispravljati.

Ovo putovanje je bez uzbuđenja. Imam sve što mi treba, karte su spremne, smoki u džepu. Imam 2 sata u Munchenu, i sutra ujutro sam u Zagrebu. 4 sata u vlaku i 7 u busu – niš! Ali zato zabava počinje kad sletim. Idem kod prijateljica koje žive u skvotu. S malo nestrpljenja i nelagode čekam da se vidim s prijateljem s kojim nisam dugo. Dan poslije je Pride na kojem nisam bila otkad sam ga prestala organizirati. Istu večer druženje s kolegama i -icama s kojima sam maturirala prije 15 godina.

Zadnje jutro Zagreba rezervirano je za brunch kod bakice, i onda dalje. Rijeka dan i po – druškanje sa sestrom najstarijom i dragim prijatelem, pa na otok. OTOK!

Da vidim koliko se mogu zbilja opustiti na praznicima, kako izdržavam uistinu ne raditi ništa, kako se nosim s lokalnim mentalitetom od kojeg sam se poprilično odvikla?

Nisam obznanila, pa bi možda bilo vrijeme, da se “ljubav/Paris u Londonu” izjalovila još jednom. Zasanjarila sam si da su ljudi pošteni i iskreni, ali eto, nisu. Šteta. No, možda i nije. Sva sreća da sam “religiozna”, pa se dobro isplačem, odmeditiram i ko nova sam, i znam da me bar Guru voli. Guru ili božansko ili priroda ili Majka, svejedno. Prijatelji, bivši dečki i cure, poznanici, obitelj. Osjećam se voljeno. Ako me taj jedan ne voli, nije neka velika šteta. Iako se nekad može činiti da je. Kad jednom preživiš, drugi put je lakše, treći se ponadaš da će biti bolje, a četvrti si kao stijena. Neuništiva!

Puno sam pisala o odnosima, o željama, o ljubavi. Jedino o čemu uistinu osjećam da imam pravo govoriti je božanska ljubav, iako i o ovim drugima se ne sramim pričati podugo i poširoko. Zamisli, bila sam povrijeđena! Ti nisi nikad? A znaš li što? Život je dug, a vječnost je malo duža od ovog života. Koliko puta si se zaljubio, koliko puta si spavao s nekim, koliko puta si mislila da je to baš to, koliko puta si u vezi koja te ispunjava, pa te prestane ispunjavati? Nemoj me krivo shvatiti, sve je točno onako kako je. 33 mi je godine, nisam u vezi, nemam djecu i živim u ashramu u nadi da će jedan dan netko dojahati, prebaciti me preko konja i da ćemo odjahati u suton. Roditi 500 male prekrasne djece, meditirati u šumi, iscjeljivati ljude i imati hrpu para.

Znam da to neće biti baš tako, ali ne bih imala ništa protiv, dapače. Isto tako uzimam u obzir mogućnost da se ne dogodi. Možda me život odvede u stan u gradu, da mi partnera nižeg od mene, koji ne meditira i da mi jedno dijete. Možda mi život ne da djecu, možda mi ne da muža, možda mi ne da ženu, možda mi oduzme ono što nisam znala da mogu imati. Možda ništa nije moje i ništa nije tvoje, kako kaže moja pjesma Čeznutljive Ribe.

Prvo da naučim kako biti sama? Ne sjećam se da sam ikad bila – sama. Kao što sam i ranije pisala, što nije da uvijek imamo neku simpatiju, neko sviđanje, neku zaljubljenost? Nisam nikad bila sama, bilo to samo u mislima. Kad sam fizički bila sama, uvijek mi je netko okupirao misli. Uvijek je bila ta jedna (ili više osoba) od koje su mi se stvarale sline, o kojima sam sanjarila, zbog kojih sam bila tužna i usamljena, koje sam planirala zbariti na ovaj ili onaj način, neke kojima sam pisala pjesme. Neke s kojima sam mogla budućnost smišljati. Trenutno je ta ladica prazna i pomalo već počinje biti prašnjava. Mjesec dana je za Gordanu Tihomirović period usporediv s osjećajem protoka jednog malog milenija (štogod to značilo). Koliko dugo će potrajati taj milenij? Vidjet ćemo. Ostani na vezi, šutnju razbijaju samo riječi.

Kako mi je rekla jedna poprilično zanimljiva osoba s kojom sam se u jednoj točki postojanja dotaknula: kao kada ideš kod zubara. Prvih par puta boli, kasnije ne znači da neće da boli, ali si opreznija, spremnija suočiti se s boli. To su moje riječi, slobodna interpretacija koju si dopuštam, jer ovo je moj put.

Krajolik iz vlaka je bolno dosadan, to tako teško podnosim, jednolikost. Možda mi je upravo zato život sapunica, ali ono neka najzanimljivija i potpuno nepredvidiva (ili malko predvidiva, priznajem, no meni nepredvidiva, svjetlost me zasljepljuje). To je ono što sama prizivam u život, jer ne podnosim dosadu. Iako mi sve želi reći, viče mi u lice, maše mi s brda, i doziva me s broda – da je “običnost” obična, samo onda kada joj promašujem vidjeti ljepotu i dubinu.

Da mi je biti u tvojoj glavi nekoliko dana, da se poželim s čežnjom vratiti u svoju. Hm, to zapravo već radim. Theta. Daj više se javi za tretman, dosadno mi je, i imat ću vremena. Ukulele na plaži možeš svirati dva sata, a ljetni dan ih ima mnogostruko toliko.

Nije važno plaćanje, važna je razmjena. Ajmo se igrati. Imam keks koji bi ti se mogao svidjeti. Probaj.

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I just wanted you to know that the TGV – train de grand vitesse or the superfast train is – just another train. It has a fancy screen, pretty good seats that are, to my surprise, not too short for my long back, so they do not get bent in the wrong places and I can lean my head without it havinf fall back. Yes, just an ordinary train. The high expectations I had since I first heard about this amazing superfast very special train – down the drain.

I love this iPad. It has this small keyboard that is just big enough to be perfectly usable. My eyes were bulging out from using the tiny iPhone screen. It is hard to write a book in Croatian without using diacritic signs (like č, ć, d, ž, đ and š) and then have to find and replace them afterwards.

This trip has so far been without excitement. I have everything I need, tickets ready, a packet of crisps in my pocket. I have 2 hours to spend in Munich and tomorrow morning I am in Zagreb. 4 hours on the train and 7 on the bus – peanuts! The fun starts once I land in Croatia. I am staying at friends who live in a squat. With a slight impatience and discomfort I am meeting a friend I have not seen in a long time.

The next day I am attending Pride, I have not since I stopped organising it. The same evening I will have a hangout with colleagues I graduated from highschool with fifteen years ago.

The last morning in Zagreb is reserved for a bruch at granny’s place and then move on. Rijeka for a day and a half – hanging out with my eldest sis and a dear pal, then off to the island. ISLAND!

To see how much really I can relax on my holidays, how I can manage not to do much, how I will handle the local mentality I am not so used to anymore?

I have not publicised it yet, so it might be time to say that “Love Paris London” faced another fallback. I was daydreaming for too long that people are honest and fair, but are not. Pity. Or maybe not. Good for me for being a religious freak. I cry my eyes out, I meditate and – good as new and I know that Guru loves me. Guru or divine, nature, Mother, whatever. Friends, exes, aqaintances, family. I do feel loved. If that one person does not love me, no big damage done. Although it does sometimes feels like it. Once you go through it and survive, the second time is a bit easier, the third you hope for something better and the fourth makes you strong as rock. Unbreakable!

I wrote a lot about relationships, desires and love. The only thing I truly feel to have the right to talk on is divine love. Even though I do not shy away from writing about the other kinds quite extensively. Imagine that, I got hurt! You never did? You know what, life is long and infinity a bit longer than that. How many times have you been in love, how many have you slept with, how many times have you thought that this time it must be it, how many times were you in relationships that fulfilled you, how many times in those that have stopped fulfilling you?

Do not get me wrong, my dear, I am not denying the facts. I am 33, single, no kids and I live in an ashram in hope that one day someone will come riding, throw me on their horse and we will together ride off into the sunset. Have 500 beautiful children, meditate in the forest, heal people and have loads of money.

I do know it will probably not be like that, even though I would not reject it if it did, on the contrary. I also take into consideration the possibility of it never happening. Maybe life takes me into an appartment in a city, gives me a partner much shorter than me who does not meditate and gives me one kid. Maybe life does not give me kids at all, maybe it does not give me nor husband, nor wife and maybe it takes away what I had not known I could have. Perhaps nothing is mine and nothing is yours, as my song Longing Fish says.

First I should learn how to be on my own? I cannot remember ever being. As I have written before, is it not that we always have a liking, an infatuation, some sort of being in love? I was never before alone, even if only in my thoughts. Even when I was physically alone, there would always be that someone occupying my thoughts. There was always that one person (or several) that made me drool, that I dreamt of, that made me sad and lonely or that I planned how to get them to be with me, that I wrote poems for. Some I could imagine a future with.

Right now that drawer seems to be empty. It is starting to get dusty. A month for Gordana Tihomirović is a period in time comparable to the feeling of a small millenium having passed by. How much long will this millenium go on for? Let us see, stay on the line. Words are the only ones that break silence.

A quite interesting person whom I crossed paths with for a short while told me: it is like going to the dentist. It hurts the first few times, it does not mean it will hurt less later on, but you are more attentive, more ready to face the pain. Those are my words, I freely interpreted what I had heard, and I leave myself this liberty, as this is my path.

The train scenery is painfully dull, I have a hard time bearing it, everything is exactly the same. Maybe for that exact reason my life is a soap opera, a really interesting and totally unpredictable one (or a little predictable, but unpredictable to me, blinded by the light). That is what I attract in my life, because I cannot bare boredom. Even though everything wishes to tell me, yells at my face, waves from the hills to me and calls me from the ferries – “ordinariness” is ordinary only when I miss to see its beauty and depth.

If only I could spend a few days in your head, to wish to come back to mine longingly. Hm, actually that is what I do! Theta. Get in touch for that session already, I am bored and I will have a lot of free time. Ukulele on the beach covers only 2 hours per day. A summer’s day is a lot longer than that.

Paying is not important, the exchange is. Let us play. I have a cookie you might like.
Try it.