Počeci

Kod mene sve počinje i završava na stanicama, kolodvorima i aerodromima. Jesam ti ispričala kako sam se skoro rodila na brodu? Bio je kraj svibnja, na taj topli rano-ljetni dan mama se htjela okupati na Braču. Nakon kupanja se uputila iz Sutivana u Supetar, no tamo u luci su je uhvatili trudovi. Kako je Supetar malo mjesto, doktor koji se tamo našao ju je upitao: koje vam je to dijete? Ona je rekla: treće, i 45 minuta kasnije Gordana je bila rođena. Da je mama Dunja otišla na trajekt na koji je namjeravala, ja bih se bila rodila točno kada bi trajekt pristajao u splitsku luku.

“Skoro rođena na brodu” i “slučajno rođena” su izjave kojima su me sestre zadirkivale. Zbog ove prve sam se ponosila; kada bi mi netko spočitnuo da nisam zatvorila vrata do kraja, te jesam li “na brodu rođena?”, odgovarala bih smjelo: “Skoro!”
Ova druga mi nije bila razumljiva, ali sam se sramila priznati. Nije mi bilo sasvim jasno jesam li slučajno rođena na otoku ili sam slučajno došla na ovaj svijet?

Gospođa koja me dopremila na planetu kaže da se stvari događaju slučajno, a ljudski um naknadno pronalazi razloge zašto to baš nije bilo slučajno, a vrlo jednostavno sve jest upravo slučajno. Sve drugo su gluposti, kaže ona. Ja sam još veći filozof od osobe koja je život posvetila jeziku i filozofiji, te filozofiji jezika, i kažem: ništa nije slučajno.

Raz-rješenje dogovora

Sa svojim učiteljem Theta Iscjeljivanja prošla sam zanimljiv proces otkrivanja dogovora duša i razrješavanje ili spoznaju prirode tih istih. Dogovori duša? Moje objašnjenje: Svako tijelo je živo jer pluća i srce rade kako bi trebalo, a svako srce voli jer u njemu čuči duša. Duša/um/jastvo – ono nešto što nazivam Sobom, taj dio individualnog postojanja živi na jednom drugom nivou od ovoga na zemlji (paralelno!) i za njega vrijede drugačija pravila.

Kao kada sklapamo kakav posao, dogovor ili projekt na ručku, tako i duše u nekom međuvremenu i međuprostoru dogovaraju svoje posle za predstojeći život. To otprilike izgleda ovako: što mi nudiš? Ja ću tebi biti to i naučiti te to i to. Ili po dugovanju: vratit ću ti ovaj dug. Imamo dosta izbora, a neke stvari nemamo puno izbora nego odraditi.

Kako to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar slikovito opisuje: dobiješ stan koji dobiješ, slobodna volja je premetati namještaj – ili ne. Ili: narasti ne možeš više nego što ti je priroda dala, ali udebljati se ili smršaviti možeš po želji.

Kad nešto pođe krivo, onda kažemo, eh, to ti je karma. Termin koji je dobio negativnu konotaciju, što je po meni samo odraz a priori negativne ljudske prirode (dok smo mali ne toliko, ali kako rastemo, tako se učimo vjerovati negativnim tendecijama uma). Karma samo znači da posljedica ima i svoj uzrok. S tim da je teško znati gdje je i što uzrok. Ako vjeruješ da smo svi dio jedno te istog koje postoji od početka vremena, jako je teško reći što je pravi ili jedini uzrok nečega.

S tim da, eto, ipak postoji način da se vide i razrješe (otpuste ili prihvate) određeni dogovori s određenim dušama. Koga zanima neka pita. Dogovorno razrješenje!

Godišnji

Nije me bilo dva tjedna na poslu. Praznici! Praznici od posla. Kada živiš na istom mjestu gdje radiš, onda su ti praznici i od života kojeg živiš.

15 godina mature je bilo uistinu ugodno iskustvo. Naslušala sam se priča uspjeha i neuspjeha, rasta i želja. Značajno mi je bilo biti tamo. Pitala sam se, jesmo li sada odrasli? Jel’ sada to to? Što to znači biti odrastao? Ljudi me zovu gospođa već par godina, ali ovih par puta kada me netko oslovio tako, dopustila sam. Obično bih sa sramom rekla kako nisam gospođa, i prešla bih na “ti”. Sada nisam. Nikada se nisam osjećala kao gospođa, ali eto, ako drugi misle da sam gospođa, neka tako bude.

Kad smo već kod gospođe, želim podijeliti jedno svoje zapažanje. Inače ne gledam televiziju. Iako živim u poštenoj zemlji, piratstvo i ja smo još na “ti”, pa me reklame ne zahvaćaju. No, na televiziji ima više reklama nego sadržaja. 1984. je blagi primjer oblika manipulacije masama. Svi se mi smijemo reklamama i govorimo kako su grozne, a onda kasnije nesvjesno kupujemo ipak ono za što znamo i na kraju vjerujemo više reklamiranim proizvodima. Ne samo to, već i utvrđivanje dobro nam poznate patrijarhalne matrice društva, a da ne govorim o oglednim primjercima sreće. Ako si mršava, imaš dečka koji pije pivo i peče roštilj, mnoštvo neobičnih i zabavnih prijatelja s kul gadgetima – to je sreća – lijepo snimljena. Gledala sam te reklame nevino i otvorenog srca, zaboravivši koliko su otrovne. Našla sam se promatrajući prikazane idealne sretne živote i počela se osjećati neadekvatnom, ili kao da nemam ono što treba da budem i ja sretna. Svi ti primjeri su mi pokazivali da mi treba nešto, i da mi treba nešto što nemam. UŽAS! Uistinu masovna hipnoza, kako kaže TBF. Nedaj se smesti – ne gledaj TV!

Srela sam se sa starim prijateljem. Nismo stari, samo se dugo poznajemo. Osim što je bilo lijepo razgovarati s nekim tko te predobro poznaje, bilo je ugodno neobavezno provoditi vrijeme zajedno. Uvidjela sam kako nisam više tako naporna što se tiče planova. Zapravo bi mi mama i sestre rekle da sam upravo obrnuto – da sam teška katastrofa neplaniranja i konstantne promjene planova. Kako mi je život tempiran često u minutu, a slobodne trenutke je praktički nemoguće planirati unaprijed – kada imam te slobodne trenutke želim da je svaki samo proizvod vrhunske opuštenosti i ugode. Pritom bi bilo idealno da i drugoj strani to odgovara.

U prošlost

Osim tog povratka u prošlost, još me jedan uhvatio na prepad. Naišla sam na vrećice pune svojih starih dnevnika, planera i bilježnica. S pomno ispisanim dnevnim događanjima, ljudima s kojima sam se družila, iskustvima i boljkama, tuđim crtežima, kartama za koncerte i partije. Od 1996. i ranije, do nedavno, sve je tamo. Iz dana u dan. Prelistavala sam, tu i tamo nešto pročitala. Bila sam osupnuta količinom emocija koje sam doživjela u tako kratkom roku, na brzinu sam listala bilježnice čitajući samo pokoju riječ, gledajući slike, crteže, prepisane stihove koji su tada značili puno više nego sada. Nisam se baš dobro osjećala, bilo mi je pomalo mučno sve to vidjeti tako crno na bijelo, svoj život. Nisam se htjela emocionalno vraćati u te dane i trenutke.

Jedan dio je naravno pubertet, koji je valjda svakome pomalo težak, mučan i iscrpljujuć, a drugi dio je ta duboka povrijeđenost koju sam osjećala da mi svijet i ljudi nanose. Od obitelji, preko prijatelja i poznanika do ljubavnika i ljubavnica. Nije ni čudo da i dalje nekada zapadam u stanja nezadovoljstva, život mi je baš bio buran. Ponavljam se, znam, ali pružila sam previše prilika tijelu da me izbaci van i kaže, dosta, ne mogu više ovako! Ipak sam još tu, valjda Bog nije odustao od mene, misli, možda još i bude nešto od nje.

U sadašnjosti

Od kada živim u Njemačkoj, u ashramu, svaki put kada Guruji dođe, ja ga pitam jedno te isto, on odgovara jedno te isto.

Gordana: Da li da ostanem duže?
Guru: Ostani još malo.

Okej, ostat ću. Ne samo, ‘ostat ću’, već dajem priliku da se dogodi što se ima dogoditi, bez da bježim, planiram i trudim se utjecati na išta. Gdje god me voda nanese, pa čak i ako je to NIGDJE.

“Kako sam provela praznike” u 52 riječi

sunce prži, more hladi, plaža masira, sol u kosi je najbolja frizura, šišanje, tetovaža, sestre, baka, sestre, tata, sestre, mama, sestre, prijatelji, tv-hipnoza, iskorak u prošlost, tračevi, neplaniranje ničega, podrška i zadrška, od(s)mor, čitanje, pospremanje, gradnja, plivanje, izgaranje, kuhanje, ljubav za domovinu, mjesečina na površini, morska buka iza brda, naušnice na brkove

Sašiti prošlost, sadašnjosti i budućnost zajedno?

Naušnice na brkove sam nosila na Pride-dan, oduševljena sam tom suptilnom razbijanju rodne dogme – ipak sam ‘nosila brkove’. Iako bi još veća fora bila da sam k tome i muško po želji. Naušnice nisam nosila godinama, jer sam imala hrpu piercinga, podosta medicinskog čelika po ušima i nekim dijelovima lica i tijela. Kako sam počela meditirati, poskidala sam sve jer sam osjećala baš na tim mjestima kao da nešto zapinje, protok energije je bio kao zaustavljen na tim mjestima. Sada sam ponovno nosila naušnice.

Postoji nekoliko rezultata prvobitnog iskustva:
1. Ono što mijenja tijelo stvara opstrukciju za meditaciju
2. Sve što sam radila prije nego sam počela meditirati upućuje na uništavanje
3. Sustav vjerovanja o tome što je zabavno i dobro i ispravno je zamijenjen drugim, jednako isključivim sustavom vjerovanja.

Iskustvo je prekrasan dar podučavanja, ali zamka je u prejakom i predugom zadržavanju na rezultatima iskustva, i s time zatvaranje vrata novim iskustvima vezanim uz istu stvar. Kužiš?
Imaš iskustvo suprotno od iskustva prije, jednostavno se dogodi. Shvatiš da si bio jako u krivu, da te prvobitno iskustvo prevarilo, a da je ovo drugo puno iskrenije, bolje i značajnije. Tu se zaustaviš – na zaključcima donešenim na temelju pobijanja prvobitnog iskustva. Nastavak bi slijedio, novo iskustvo koje će pobiti ono prethodno…jedino ako mu dopustiš da procuri kroz mini pukotine koje uporno pokušavaš stisnuti da ne bi slučajno novo razočarenje uslijedilo.

Na primjeru: nosila sam gomilu pirseva i osjećala da mi to ne valja. Zatim sam počela povezivati pirsinge s nečim što je protivno meditaciji. Iskustvo mi je pokazalo da energija voli protjecati nesmetano, i da je puno metala nezgodno. To iskustvo se prenijelo na zaključak: ne nosim naušnice/pirsing, jer to nije dobro za meditaciju. Ja sam meditant i ne nosim naušnice.
Slijedeće iskustvo koje sam jaaako dugo odgađala je ponovno nositi obične male naušnice (ne 5 komada metala po svuda), i pokazalo se kao nimalo ne-ometajuće za meditiranje. Dakle, mogu meditirati i nositi naušnice.

Što je više pobijajućih iskustava prethodnog iskustva, to je jači zemljotres osobnosti. A to nikako ne želimo. To majčice ne, spasi me!

U Šumi

U šumi je toplo. Iako, šuma nije otok. Šuma je tajnovita, sjena je promjenjiva. U šumi teče potok, a potok nije more.

____________________________________________________________________________

Beginnings

With me everything starts and ends on stops, stations and airports. Have I told you about the story of nearly being born on a boat? It was a warm early summer’s day, the end of May and my mother wanted to go for a swim on the island of Brač. After her afternoon swim, she went from Sutivan to Supetar on the island, and was in labour in the harbor. Supetar is a small place, so the doctor was near by. He just asked: which baby is this for you? She said, third, and 45 minutes later Gordana was born. If mommy Dunja would have goneon that ferryboat, I would have been born exactly as the boat would be sailing in the Split port.

“Almost born on a boat” and “born by accident” were two things my sisters often would tell me. The first made me proud; when one of them would complain for not closing the door and asked if I was born on a boat, I would triumphantly yell back: Almost!

The latter I could not really understand, and was ashamed to admit my ignorance. Was I born by accident on the island of Brač, or was it an accident that I am on this earth?

The madam that brought me to this world says that things happen accidentally, later the human mind makes up excuses and reasons why something happened the way it did. For her it is simply – everything is accidental. I am even more of a philosopher than the person who dedicated her life to language and philosophy and philosophy of language and I say: nothing is an accident.

Re-Solution

With my dear Theta Healing teacher I experienced an interesting process of findig out about agreements of souls and resolving or becoming aware of their nature. Souls have agreements? My explanation: Every body lives because lungs and heart work as they should, and every heart loves because there is a soul sitting in it. The soul/ mind/ Self – what I call Me, that bit of individual existence lives on a different level from the one on earth (they parallely exist!) and different rules apply for it.

As with closing a deal or an agreement and having lunch, in the same way souls agree on their dealings as per their next life together – in a sort of inter-spacial, inter-time dimension. I will teach you this, I can be this or that to you. Or per debt: I will return this in this way. We have a lot of choice, and then again some things are just a given.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar nicely explains: you get an apartment, free will is to shuffle the furniture around, or not. Also, you cannot become taller than nature provided you, but there is far more freedom in growing fat or thin.

When something goes wrong, we say, it was karma. An expression became negative because of, in my opinion, a default human natural tendency to pick up the negative more prominently (not as kids, but as we grew older, we believed more in negative tendencies of the mind). Karma simply means that a consequence had a cause. It can be very hard to know what the actual cause is. If you believe that we are all a part of the same One existing from the beginning of time, it is hard to say what is the true or only cause of something particular.

BUT, there is a way of becoming aware and resolving (letting go or accepting) certain agreements we made with certain souls. Who wants to know more, just ask.

Holidays

I was gone for two weeks, on holiday, a vacation from work. When you work and live in the same place, then you get a vacation from your job and life at the same time.

The15-year high school graduation anniversary was truly pleasant. I heard a lot of stories of success and failure, growth and desires. It was meaningful for me to be there. I was asking myself, are we grown-ups now? Is this it? What does it mean to be a grown-up? People have started to call me Ma’am a few years back, but this time I allowed it, instead of shyly saying I am no Ma’am. I never really felt like one, but let it be, if others think I am a Ma’am, let it be.

Talking about titles, I wish to share something I noticed. Normally I do not watch television. Even though I live in an honest country, piracy and me are still an item, so I do not get to see many commercials. Television has longer airtime for commercials than the actual content. 1984 is a mild depiction of mass manipulation we are subject to today. We all laugh at commercials and call them awful, and then later go out and unconsciously buy and trust the products from TV. Not only that, it is also another way of confirming the patriarchal societal matrix, and do not get me started on paradigms of happiness! If you are skinny and have a boyfriend that drinks beer and knows how to barbeque, a bunch of unusual and fun friends that have cool gadgets – that is happiness – beautifully filmed. I watched the commercials innocently and with an open heart, forgetting how poisonous they were. I was observing the given examples of happiness and started to feel inadequate, or as if I do not have what it takes to be as happy. Everything was telling me how I need something, and that being something I do not have. HORROR! Do not allow it to control you, do not watch television!

I met an old friend. We are not old, we just know each other for a longer while. Except that it was beautiful to talk to someone who knows you better than you yourself do, it was pleasant to spend time together without having an agenda. I realized how I am not so needy about making plans any more. My sister and mother would say the opposite, that I am a disaster considering changing plans last minute or not planning anything at all. Normally my life is planned in milliseconds and it becomes impossible to plan my free milliseconds in advance, because I can be called to do something anytime. So when the moments of freedom happen I want them to be supremely relaxed and pleasant. It would be of course brilliant if other people would feel the same.

Into the past

Except going back to the past in this one instance, another caught me by surprise. I came across heaps of old diaries, planners and notebooks. Carefully inscribed with daily events, people I spent time with, experiences and hurts, other people’s drawings, concerts’ and events’ tickets. From about 1996 to today, it is all there. Day in and day out. I went through some of them, reading only a few words here and there, looking at the drawings, copied lyrics that meant something at the time. It did not feel as good, it was even a bit nauseating to see all that, black on white, my life. I did not want to experience the emotional journey back to those days and relive those moments.

A part of it is, of course, puberty that must have been tough and exhausting on everyone, and the other part of it was that deep feeling of hurt I felt from the world and people around me. Beginning with my family, friends, people I knew, lovers. It does not come as such a surprise that I sometimes still experience states of dissatisfaction, my life was quite wild.
I offered many opportunities for my body to kick me out and say, enough is enough! In spite of that, I am guessing God has not given up on me, thinking, maybe she might still grow up into something useful.

Into the present

Ever since I have moved to Germany, to live in the ashram, each time Guruji comes I ask him the same thing and he answers the same:

Gordana: Should I stay here?
Guru: Stay a little longer.

OK, I will stay. Not only ‘stay put’, but I am giving an opportunity to whatever needs to happen to happen, without running away, planning or trying to influence anything at all. Wherever the river takes me, even if it is right here, I will go.

“How I spent my holidays” in 50-odd words

sun scorches, sea cools, beach massages, salty hair makes the best hairstyle, haircut, tattoo, sisters, granny, sisters, dad, sisters, mom, sisters, friends, TV-hypnosis, into the past, gossip, not planning, support, delay, rest, reading, cleaning, building, swimming, burning, cooking, love for the home country, moonlight on the surface, sea noise behind the hill, moustache earrings

How to sow the past, present and future together?

I wore moustache earrings on Pride day, I was thrilled with that subtle crushing of the gender dogma – I was “wearing” a moustache. It would have been cooler if I could be a man upon wish.
I had not wore earrings for years, I had loads of piercings and medical titanium in my ears, some parts of the face and body and took it all off once I started to meditate. I could feel in those particular parts of the body as if there were an obstruction for energy to flow. I now wore earrings again.

There are several conclusions coming out of the primary experience:
1. What changes the body obstructs meditation
2. Whatever I did before starting to meditate was destructive
3. A belief system of what is fun and good and correct is replaced by another, very exclusive belief system for the same

Experience can be an amazing gift to serve as a teacher, but the tricky part is in sticking too hard and too long to it, to the results the experience brought, therefore shutting the door to new experiences connected to the same situation. Got it? You have an experience that is opposite from the one you had before regarding the same issue. It happens. You suddenly realise your conclusions were very wrong and you based them on your first experience, but the next experience takes you to a place of understanding how the knowledge from the first experience is far less honest, or less meaningful than the one from the second experience. And this is where you stop learning. It would go on, you would be moving on with every new experience…if you would allow your intellect to accept that you might have been wrong again. You do your best to make the passage for a new experience as tiny as possible, just not to be dissappointed again.

For example: I used to wear quite a a few piercings, and felt it was no good. Then I connected wearing a piercing with not being good for meditation. Experience showed me that energy likes to flow without obstruction and that a lot of metal is not the best idea.
That particular experience turned into the following conclusion: I do not wear earrings/piercings because it is not good for meditation.
The next experience I was postponing for a very long while was wearing small earrings (not 5 pieces of thick metal) and not experiencing the least bit of obstruction for meditating.

The more the newer experience is mind boggling and the more it differs from the original one, the more shaken your world gets, the more the basis of your personality is questioned. That we do not want in any case scenario. That, mommy, I do not wish for. Save me!

In the forest

It is warm in the forest. Even though the forest is no island. The forest is mysterious, a place where shadows shift. In the forest a creek flows, the creek is no sea.