Mesni doručak

Najbolje kronološki, a nego kako, pa kud god sa zmijom svijesti odjahali, bit će dobro. Kronološki otkad sam se vratila s praznika: nije prošlo ni par dana prilagodbe na kuću, vodila sam tečaj i sutradan na ho-ruk otputovala u Mannheim. Doslovno je od inicijalnog telefonskog razgovora (koji nije imao nikakve veze s temom organizacije puta) do dolaska u Mannheim prošlo tri sata. Zapravo kad pogledam, to je bilo i dosta dugo za pokret. Mannheim je udaljen svega 10ak kilometara od Heidelberga, gdje je taj vikend bila najavljena radionica sa Sri Sri Ravi Shankarom. Organizacijski tim je bio dosta mali i nekako je baš dobro sjelo da sam došla, pridružila nam se još jedna djeva bajna iz Hrvatske, tako da je bila baš odlična atmosfera. Kao svaki put u organizaciji događanja, u jednom trenutku nastane kaos i svaki član tima prođe kroz mlinac za meso. Postanemo one dugačke samljevene špagete, koje moraš nožem odrezati jer se ne odvajaju od mašine. Sjetila sam se svoje bake i njene mašine za mljeveno meso koja je radila na ručku. Za punjene paprike? Sarme? Oboje.

Događanje je prošlo odlično! Organizatori pošteno skuhani, polaznici radionice sretni i ispunjeni, bogatiji za par dobrih ideja i poprilično inspirirani da se pridruže Sri Srijevoj viziji svijeta koji ne pati.

Nakon događanja smo otišli (skupa s Njim) u posjetu kolegici koja je nedavno poprilično stradala i sada je na rehabilitaciji. Nadam se da se neće ljutiti što pišem o ovome, želim, kao i uvijek, samo podijeliti svoje iskustvo, bez da izlažem pojedince nepotrebnom publicitetu.

Jedan dan hodaš, plešeš i jedeš trešnjice, slijedeći ležiš u bolnici, malo pokretan, s bezbroj pitanja u glavi i veelikom promjenom u načinu života.

Ne mogu niti kročiti putem da se usudim i pomisliti da znam ili da mogu zamisliti kako je to kada ti se u jedan dan način života okrene za 360 stupnjeva. S obzirom na to da sam neumorni avanturist ili samo neoprezna, tražim u svakom danu obrate, preokrete, zanimljiva skretanja. Ali okret od 360 stupnjeva je pomalo zastrašujuć. Divim se osobi koja sa strpljenjem, voljom i napornim radom ide ka ostvarenju svojih ciljeva nakon takve promjene. Uistinu i zaista divim.

Pljesak!

Opet u pokretu

Povratak u kuću nije donio povratak u kolotečinu, jer su me dočekale dvije cimerice. Ima podosta programa u kući, jer je gazda (Guruji) doma, pa smo popunjeni do tavana. Gušt je s cimericama. Ugostiš ljude kod sebe, njima lijepo, tebi promjena. Danas je bila smjena gostiju, dvije cime su otišle, a došle dvije nove. Sve drage (nove i stare) prijateljice i sve naše, domaće, Balkanke.

Nisam stizala zapisivati misli, jer sam ih dijelila s cimama do kasno u noć. Ej, znaš li što? Baš mi je lijepo. Sada stižem zapisivati, jer? Jer sam opet u vlaku. Da. Idemo! Huu huuuu!

Preko puta mene barba pije vino iz staklene čašice koju si je ponio u vlak, a pored mene čiča laganini hrče, ispred njega dvije prazne boce piva. I jedan uredno podšišane brade biznismen, tipka na ekrančić. A ja, dama u ljetnom odjelcu, lagano se truckam i piskaram. Uzela sam si bocu vode i ice-cafe sa šlagom za put, i uživam. Što put donosi? Možda nešto i odnosi, vidjet ćemo.

Rekao mi je netko da sam intenzivna. 33 mi je (volim to ponavljati, jer je brojka baš kul), i dalje sam intenzivna. Voljela bih da tako i ostane, pitam se hoće li se promijeniti. Ma to sam već dijelila s vama, kako sam ranije bila jednako intenzivna, samo drugačije usmjerena. Prije sam htjela osvojiti plesni podij, a sada želim osvojiti sreću za sebe i svijet.

Ozbiljno ti kažem, najozbiljnije, sve ovo što pišem dolazi iz neke druge dimenzije, uopće nemam kontrolu nad time što prolazi kroz ovu svijest u ovaj mali aparatić koji tipka. Ja sam samo pijun, moj cijeli život i svaka akcija koja se u njemu dogodi je samo pijun gigantske šahovske ploče svemira koja igra partiju sama sa sobom. Ne da pobijedi, nego samo nek’ se igra!

U snovima

Da li je slijedeća osoba koju upoznam čovjek mog života? Da li će osoba s kojom sam sada opstati i zadržati se pored mene? Da li je jedna od osoba koje su bile dio mog života bile te prave i trebale bi se ponoviti ili su bile i prošle i više nitko nikada neće biti?

Što je to ili tko je to tko predstavlja moju srodnu dušu koja će mi donijeti božansku sreću?

Pitaš li se ova pitanja? Sigurna sam da da. Ima li odgovora? Sigurna sam da ne.

Postoji li savršenstvo u materijalnom svijetu? Tamo vani, izvan tebe? Čitavog svog svijeta ti si Stvoritelj, i ono što vidiš je tvoj vlastiti crtež. Upireš prstom u element vlastitog nacrta i govoriš nekom drugom da ga izvoli promijeniti? Vidiš li to? Osjećaš li da je tako?

Pitam se. Pitam Te. I tebe.

Reci mi! Želim čuti, vidjeti i osjetiti tvoju riječ. Kako ti vidiš svijet? Kao niz slučajnosti? Kao ucrtan plan od nekog drugog? Kao svoju kreaciju? Mješavinu svega ovoga? Nešto drugo?

Na što ili koga se oslanjaš? Na sat i  kalendar da ti kažu što i koliko dugo trebaš nešto raditi? Na osobu koja ti je bliska, i dokazala je da se u nju može imati povjerenje? Netko tko te istovremeno najdublje intrigira i nemilice povrjeđuje? Tko je tvoja najjača karika? A tko najslabija?

Koga voliš? Zbog koga se patiš?

Voliš li prirodu, susjeda, psa?

Imaš li ljubavi za sebe? Tetošiš li se i kada misliš da nisi zaslužila?

Od čega je sagrađena tvoja sigurna kuća? Kako se braniš od onoga što smatraš nepravednim i zlim?

Kako se zove i kako izgleda tvoja meditacija? Svladava me umor, a uskoro sam na odredištu, pa sam u pomalo plutajućem stanju. Nadam se uskoro plutati na površini vode, saprati umor i napetost isčekivanja.

Vlak ulazi u stanicu

Vlak je ušao u stanicu, nakon toga sam pješačila 35 minuta po najgorem suncu u sedam navečer. Obično smo nazivali najgorim suncem ono između dva i pet. Sada je nagore sunce uvijek. Kad sam se oznojko uparkirala napokon, trebalo mi je sat vremena da se oporavim od stanja ugarka. Plutanje u bazenu je pripomoglo. Večerala sam u Šnicl-palači, kao posvećena vegetarijanka.

Što ti je život? Rodiš se, naučiš srati i jesti sam. Nakon 12 godina pranja mozga naizgledno odlučuješ o tome što će te pripremiti (obilježiti te) za život. Onda shvatiš minimalno pet puta kako to ništa nema smisla i odlučuješ brati jagode i živjeti prirodnim životom. Tu upoznaš čovjeka svog života, onu pravu osobu koja je baš kao stvorena za tebe. Ubrzo ste izrodili sedmero djece, svi žive od jagoda, kuća vam svake godine postaje sve veća, ispred nje se redaju auti, iz prašine ljeti vade skuteri za klince, jer živite predaleko od bilo kakve civilizacije, a više ne živimo u prošlosti kad se u školu pješačilo 12 kilometara bilo ljeto il’ zima.

Djeca rastu, ne zanimaju ih jagode, a vi pomalo postajete prestari za saginjanje, i uostalom tko još sadi prirodno, nije isplativo, a i potpora za klince na studiju je sve zahtjevnija. Napokon prodajete polja, jedno po jedno, dok na kraju i kuća ne ode pod hipoteku, djeca se drogiraju, piju i psuju, dižete kredit jer vam penzije postaju tananije, maltene prozirne – umirete u dugovima. Djeca nasljeđuju dugove.

Kraj, početak, kako kaže bend Žen. Kraj jedne generacije je samo početak druge – tradicija se nastavlja. Generacije se smjenjuju, sve ostaje isto, istina postaje premetanje iz šupljeg u prazno, narod slijepo vjeruje da su dva i dva pet.

Zajedništvo je samo kalup koji te još čvršće ukalupljuje u stvarnost za koju misliš da bi trebao živjeti. Život je izvan kalupa. Život je kad si toliko daleko od kalupa da ga više ne vidiš, ma i kada ga vidiš, ne pristaješ na njega, jednostavno pred tvojim očima ne dobiva priznanje i samim time prestaje postojati za tebe.

Kasno je, noć je mokra i spremna sam na gubljenje veze s ovostranim svijetom.

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Canned meat

The best is to start chronologically; to ride the snake of consciousness, wherever it takes us will be good.

Since I came back from holidays, not even properly adjusting to the house, I had a course and moved to Mannheim for a few days. From the initial phone call (that originally had nothing to do with the trip) to the train ride a few hours went by. When I think back, even that was quite a delay. Mannheim is cca10 km away from Heidelberg where a workshop with Sri Sri Ravi Shankar was to be held. The organisational team was small so my help was needed. Someone from Croatia also became a part of the team, and that created an even greater atmosphere. As always in such an event organisation, at a given moment there was just chaos and every team member goes through a meat-grinder. We all take shape of those long meat spaghettis that need to be cut off with a sharp knife in order to be separated from the machine. I remember my grandmother using this kind of manually operated grinding machine to make stuffed peppers or sarma? Or both?

The event went well! The organisers were well cooked, the workshop members happy and fulfilled, came out richer for a few good ideas and quite inspired to join Sri Sri’s vision of a suffer-free world.

Just after the event we went (with Him) to visit a friend that had recently got quite badly hurt and is in rehabilitation. I hope she will not mind me writing this, I just wish to, as always, to share my own experience, without unnecessarily creating publicity for anyone.

One day you are walking, dancing and eating cherries, the next you are lying the hospital, not moving much, with a million questions on your mind and great changes in your daily life.

I cannot start imagining that I could know how it is to have your life turned upside down. Considering I am an insatiable adventurist or just not cautious, and look for twists and turns round every corner does not make the 360 degrees turn less scary. I admire the person who, with patience, willpower and hard work goes forward to make her goals true after going through such a change; something I truly really admire.

Applause!

On the move

Moving back home did not take me back to my routine as I had two roomies. Quite some activities are going on in the house, because the big boss (Guruji) is here. We are full up to the attics. It is really nice to have roommates: You get to have good company, they feel comfortable, something is out of the ordinary. After one week two roomies left and two new ones came. All very sweet (old and new) friends, all coming from the Balkans.

I have not managed to write down my thoughts as I kept sharing them with my roomies. I am managing now because I am on a train again. Yes. Let’s go! Hoo hoooo!

Opposite to me there is one sir drinking wine from a glass he brought with – fancy drinking, and next to me an oldie gently snoring, in front of him two empty beer bottles. Plus one nicely trimmed bearded gentleman, typing on his little screen. And me, a lady in a summer suit, swaying lightly along with the train and typing. I have a bottle of water and an ice-cafe with cream for the road.

What will the trip bring? Maybe it will take something away, let us see.

Someone told me I am intense. Being 33 (I keep repeating this, because it is such a good number), and still intense. I shared earlier how I used to be quite intense, in other areas. Earlier I wished to take over the dance floor and now I want to get happiness for the world and myself.

I am serious when I tell you, utterly serious, that all I write comes from another dimension, I have no control of what goes through this consciousness and into the little typing gadget. I am merely a pawn, my entire life and every action that occurs in it is part of a gigantic chess board that the universe is, a game that is played on its from both sides. Not to win, just for play!

In dreams

Is the next person I meet the man of my dreams? Will the person I am with now stay with me a while? The people that were a part of my life, are they the right ones? Or they just were and will never be again?

What is it or who is it that represents my soul mate, the one that will bring me divine happiness?

Have you asked yourself any of these questions? I am sure you have. Is there one answer? I am sure there is not.

Is there perfection in the material world? Out there, outside of yourself? Of your whole world you are the Creator, and what you see is your own drawing. You are pointing your finger into an element of your own sketch and you keep saying to someone else to change it? Can you see that happening? Can you feel that this is how it is?

I ask myself. I ask You. And you.

Do tell! I wish to hear, see and feel your word. How do you see the world? As a sequence of accidental events? As a sketch of someone else’s plan? As your own creation? A combination of all of the above? Something completely different?

Who do you rely on? On time and the calendar to tell you what and how long you should be doing something? A person that is close to you, and has proven to be trusted? Someone who triggers you on the deepest level and ruthlessly hurts you at the same time? Who is your strongest link? Weakest?

Who is it you love? Who is it that makes you suffer?

Do you love nature, your neighbour, a dog?

Have you love for yourself? Do you take care of yourself even when you do not think you have deserved it?

What kind of material is your safe house built of? How do you protect yourself from what you consider to be unfair and evil?

What is the name of and how does your meditation look like? I am feeling tired, but am soon arriving, so I feel a bit like floating. I hope to float on the surface of water soon, wash away the tiredness and the tension of the wait.

The train is arriving

The train came into the station. Then I walked for 35 minutes in the most terrible heat, at seven in the evening. The worst heat used to be between two and five when I was a kid. Now it is the worst at all times. When I finally, completely wet from sweat, parked myself, it took me one hour to recover from the state of feeling like a piece of meteorite just entering the atmosphere. Floating in the pool definitely helped.

I had dinner in a Snitzel-palace, as a dedicated vegetarian only would.  

What is life, huh? You are born, you learn how to go to the toilet and eat on your own. After 12 years of educational brainwashing you think you decided on what will get you ready (and mark you) for life. At approximately five occasions you realise how none of it makes sense and you decide to pick strawberries and live a life in nature. In the strawberry business you meet the man of your life, the one person that is perfect for you. Soon you get seven kids, everyone is happily living off the strawberries, the house gets bigger and bigger every year, in front of it are parked more and more cars, in the summer scooters emerge, because you live too far off and your kids want to be a part of civilisation, and we are far from living in the age where one needed to walk 12 km to school every day, whether summer or winter.

The kids are growing up, less and less interested in the strawberries, and you are becoming too old to bend down. Besides, who is even into organic any more, it is expensive to keep it clean, and the kids’ tuition fees are becoming more. You start selling all the fields, one by one, until the house is under mortgage, the kids into drugs, alcohol and swearing, you take a small loan because your retirement is so low, and you die in debt. Your kids inherit it.  

Ending, beginning, as the band Žen says. The end of one generation is just the beginning of another one and so the tradition goes on. The generations follow one after another, and everything stays the same, the truth is subjected to be transferred from containing less meaning to no meaning at all, the people blindly believing that two plus two is five.

Togetherness is just a mould that shapes you in a definite manner into a reality you consider to be the one that should be lived. Life exists outside of that mould. Life is when you are so far away from being the mould that you do not see it any longer, even when you do see it, you do not accept it, it just does not take shape in front of your eyes, it ceases to exist.

It is late, the night is damp and I am ready to loose contact with this side of the world.