Yoga je moja droga. Droga je moja yoga. Kako pronaći ravnotežu?

Od malena sam osjećala neutaživu potrebu za nečim. Govorila sam ‘to meni treba’. Dio mog karaktera je princip da mi nešto treba i da moram nešto napraviti za to. Bio mi je jedan u razredu s kojim sam se često tukla. Nije baš bio potpuno normalan, a usto je bio tvrdoglav, ja još tvrdoglavija. Bio me pogodio nečim u glavu jednom u razredu, i to baš na mjesto gdje mi se nalazi poveći madež kojeg imam od rođenja. Na tom dijelu mi je koža malo osjetljivija, i to me jako povrijedilo. Kako je on to mene pogodio baš u madež? Grozan je! Skovala sam plan s prijateljicom Sabinom da ću trenirati svaki dan i da ću ga na kraju godine istući. Koji plan! Sabina i ja smo trenirale, trčale i skakale u dalj, ali se razlog tomu u međuvremenu zaboravio, i nisam nikad pošteno istukla Branimira. Iako mu jesam zabila vrh bojice u ruku, to je bilo poprilično ružno, ali se stvarno nisam znala kontrolirati.

Išla sam i na ritmiku. Svojevrsni ples. Imali smo učiteljicu koja nam je držala plesni ritam lupkajući kastanjetama, a znala nas je povremeno malo drmnut kastanjetama po bedrima – ništa strašno, ali za današnje vrijeme nezamislivo. Za tako nešto bi se danas digla uzbuna roditelja, dok je tada to bilo prihvatljivo.
Htjela sam istući Branimira, ali htjela sam i plesati u trikoiću i balerinkama. Slično se nastavilo i kasnije u životu. Htjela sam uvijek biti faca i kul u društvu, istovremeno tražeći nježnost i pažljivost. Nakon rata, s 11 godina, preselili smo u Rijeku, u potpuno novo okruženje – druga škola, jezik i školski kolege. Društvo me šikaniralo, jer sam bila nova, s neobičnim naglaskom (rođena Dalmatinka koja je provela prethodnu godinu u Zagrebu), previsoka za svih i ravna ko daska. Jedini način na koji sam mogla ostvariti prihvaćenost je bio da budem pomalo zastrašujuća i neustrašiva. Ionako nisam bila pretjerano ženstvena, pa sam mogla igrati na tu kartu fizičke prijetnje (bila sam više žilava, nego snažna) i već sam bila probala cigarete, pa sam i pušila iza škole. Ja i još jedna cura koju su zvali “Bačva”, bila je debeljušna, padala je razrede i bila je opasna.    

Samo sam htjela da se nekome svidim i da se mogu ljubiti. Kad sam se prvi put ljubila bilo je jako lijepo i ugodno, iako sam mislila da će biti gadljivo.
U srednjoj školi se priča nastavila, iako sam se razvila kao djevojčica. Tu i tamo bih nosila šminku, više u nekom glam rock, nego curica stilu. Kožne hlače, crne majice. Sama sam bila žestoka, a tražila nježnost. Poprilično nespojivo, ali svejedno je to ono što sam htjela postići, bez da na sebi išta mijenjam.
Zanimljivo je da su dečki s kojima sam hodala bili poput curica, a cure s kojima sam hodala su bile snažne ličnosti. S dečkima sam ja bila jača karika, a s curama češće nježnija strana. Očito je istina negdje u sredini. Kako sam ja negdje u sredini, tako je valjda potrebno da bude i druga strana. Većinu života sam se oblačila kao dečkić, i osjećala se jako nelagodno noseći suknje, iako sam potajno ipak htjela. Na faxu sam našla neki svoj stil, u kojem je bilo ženstvenosti, ali do određene granice koju nisam prelazila. Kao recimo kombinacija nošenja suknje preko hlača. 

Vječno u ekstremima, vječno u potrazi za sredinom.

S 22 godine sam završila prvi tečaj yoge i meditacije. Osjećala sam se kao da sam prvi put u životu oživjela. Od vrlo rane dobi sam već pušila i pila, tako da sam sa 22 već bila dobrano umorna od tog načina života. S 24 sam počela i volontirati, organizirati tečajeve, pozivati ljude da i oni nauče meditirati. Tada nisam pušila ni pila dvije godine. No nije bilo lako. Isto kao ni biti curica ili dečko; na kraju shvatiti, prihvatiti i živjeti da sam i jedno i drugo na različite načine. U jednom trenutku više jedno, dok u drugom više drugo.

Otuđila sam se od prijatelja, prestala izlaziti na koncerte i festivale. Nakon nekog vremena sve mi je to počelo nedostajati, htjela sam ići van, htjela sam slušati dobru glazbu uživo. A kako? Kad tamo svi puše i ne meditiraju. Polako bi počinjala izlaziti, pa bi se vrlo brzo prilagodila okruženju. Tu i tamo piva, pa trava, pa malo pomalo nazad na staru spiku. I tako, tu pa tamo par godina. U jednom trenutku sam se dobrano umorila od tog ping-ponga, pa sam se odlučila za stranu stola koja me ipak vodila u kvalitetniji život, umjesto u potpuno uništenje. Nisam znala kako zadržati i jedno i drugo. Za mene je uvijek bilo samo ili – ili. Ovaj put sam pobjegla malo dalje od svega što me vuklo da cugam, prvo u Bugarsku, pa na Island, u Zadar, na Brač, u Indiju, u Njemačku. No nakon nekog vremena, vratile su se sve želje koje sam u to vrijeme stavila na pauzu, na ignore. 

Nema života od ekstrema, Gordanice, kad tad se mora sve postaviti nazad u ravnotežu. Da nije te glazbe koja me toliko privlači, u živo svirka bendova, koja se uvijek i redovito povezuje s pijanstvom, pušenjem i travom, taj dio života bih stavila iza sebe i zaboravila zauvijek.

A što ću kad me ne ide. Očito me život uči da živim sve što želim, u ravnoteži.
Nisam se osjećala potpuno kad sam bila dečko.Nisam se osjećala potpuno niti kad sam bila samo curetak.Nisam se osjećala potpuno slušajući koncerte i opijajući se.Nisam se osjećala potpuno slušajući samo duhovne pjesme i meditirajući.

Sve me navodi na to da mi ne gine pronaći sredinu. Evo živote, priznajem da nemam izbora, nego da naučim lekciju koju me već toliko dugo već učiš: da prihvatim sebe onakvu kakva jesam, da prihvatim druge onakvima kakvi jesu; bez konflikta, bez odbojnosti, bez pasivnog prihvaćanja. Ja sam totalni zakon takva kakva sam! I ti isto!

Bumerang efekt. Što baciš, to ti se vrati.

Jedna riječ: tinder. ‘Tinder’ inače znači drvce koje služi za potpalu. Istoimena aplikacija za mobitel/pad koja ti prikazuje ljude (muškarce ili žene ili oboje) u radijusu ne većem od 160km, godina koje izabreš. Ako ti se osoba svidi povučeš desno, ako ne onda lijevo. Ako se ti svidiš istoj osobi koja se svidjela tebi, možete se početi dopisivati.

Prije se izlazilo van kako bi se upoznali ljudi, pa si mogao doživjeti milijon katastrofalnih uleta ili plesnih pokreta u tvom smjeru – ovo je isto tako, samo online. Bila sam na ukupno dva dejta uživo. Meni se ne da to nešto puno tipkati, ako mi se osoba iole svidjela, idemo se upoznati, pa vidjeti. Prvi je bio naizgled savršen, ali to je bilo sve od njega. Ništa ispod površine. Bar ja nisam osjetila nikakvu povezanost. Kako je to zanimljivo. Kao bakine njoke i šalša – sve napraviš po receptu od kojeg ona nije odstupala ni milimetra, ali njoke ne ispadnu ni izbliza tako dobre. Bakin tajni recept? Ljubav? Osjećaj s kojim je radila njoke? Iskustvo pripreme? Tako je i ovdje bilo: recept idealan, jelo bezukusno.

Drugi je bio fora, ali naša su dva potpuno različita svijeta. Ne znam, možda prebrzo sudim. Radim ono što ne bih voljela da se za mene napravi.
Kao da sam se izložila na tržnici s postavljanjem profila na taj chat date. I kao da sama biram na tržnici: visoki, niski, ružni, lijepi, skriveni, otvoreni, nedokučivi. A vidi, ovaj je baš zgodan, ali na drugoj slici se krevelji k’o kreten, jel’ mi baš treba tako nešto u životu? Počela sam stavljati ljude u kategorije: šonjo, zgodan bez mozga, umjetnik, oženjen s djecom, zanimljiv, prosječan, kriminalac, drag, dosadan, prezanimljiv da bi bio istinit itd. U glavi mi se počelo vrtjeti od svih tih kategorija, kvaliteta i etiketa.

Koliko treba proći nezanimljivih uleta, dosadnih pitanja, neodgovaranja na poruke dok ne naiđeš na nekog donekle prihvatljivog? Ne bih se bila smorila toliko, da mi nije u život upala osoba od krvi i mesa – pa sam shvatila da svi ti opisi sebe i drugih ne vrijede ništa dok osobu ne vidiš i ne svidi ti se uživo. Manje si kritična, gledaš kvalitete i nedostatke drugačije. Jednostavno ti se svidi osoba, i čak i ako nosi nešto što nije idealno, ti je prihvaćaš, nalaziš izgovore zašto ti baš to ne bi smetalo. Recept možeš usavršavati na papiru koliko hoćeš, no kada zapravo skuhaš, to je sasvim neko drugo iskustvo.
Rijeka mi je nanijela nekoga tu u moj dom, maltene u krilo. Iako nije više tu, želim se upoznati bolje, provoditi vrijeme skupa, dopustiti prirodi da napravi svoje. Što će biti ne znam. Prestrašena sam kao malo mače kad ga iznenadi glasni zvuk, ali to me ne sprječava da istražujem svijet oko sebe.

Jedan aspekt je koliko smo uistinu kompatibilni i podržavajući jedan za drugog (jedva da se znamo). Drugi je koliko sam ja zatvorena ili uplašena (od nekih prošlih razočarenja) da prepoznam i dopustim ljubavi da se desi. Treći je odgovarajuće mjesto i vrijeme, hoće li priroda podržati (jeli nam karma dobra)?
Drži mi fige. Zapravo, ili će biti ili neće. Ako bude, sigurno će biti zanimljivo i izazovno, između ostalog. Ako ne bude, bilo je, pa više nije i onda sam opet na svojevrsnom početku. Što me ne ubije, me ojača. Znam da, ako imam nešto kvalitetno u sebi, to je izdržljivost. Sve ću preživjeti, ništa me slomiti ne može. Zapravo taj dio sam izvježbala. Nositi se sa sranjima, izazovima, neprilikama. Sad ćemo vidjeti znam li se nositi s pažnjom, lijepo provedenim trenucima, podrškom, ako dođe.

Nadam se svemiru, a bojim se neviđeno da se ne nadam slučajno krivom svemiru. Sumnje i nedoumice. U svojoj glavi ne mogu smisliti ništa pametno, nego kao po običaju dati srcu neka kolo vodi, a ako se malo uplaši, nježno ga pogurati, uliti mu povjerenja i hrabrosti da me priroda želi naučiti, podržati. Na koji god način to bilo.

Mislim da sam bacila bumerang odavno, tek sada mi se vraća. Jeben’ ti život.

I za kraj malo konkretne apstrakcije

Kada bih mogla pronaći riječi kojima bih mogla opisati kako doživljavam, osjećam i kontempliram sebe, svemir, prirodu i Gurua, napisala bih neuništivi rječnik koji bi trajao do kraja vremena i ispočetka. Možda jedini jezik koji to donekle može je sanskrit, u kojem svaka riječ ima milijardu značenja, a svako je apstraktnije od dugog. Jezik u kojem nema riječi poput: stol, mržnja, huligan, nego: blaženstvo, božansko, slavlje.

Vodila sam prošli i ovaj vikend tečaj koji se zove Program Sreće. Ha! Jednom mi je bivši gazda od stana iskomentirao na naziv ‘Umijeće življenja’, da što mi mislimo da ljudi ne znaju živjeti? Nisam tada to rekla, ali sam pomislila: da. Kad bi znao kako povećati svoju sreću i svoj kapacitet doživljavanja sreće 10 puta – sam, zašto to ne napraviš? Ajde.

Lagala bih i lažem kad kažem: ma nije važno kako, važno je da ti budeš sretan. I na jednoj razini i to vjerujem. Svakom njegovo, stvarno svatko ima svoju vlastitu putanju svog života, ali ja ti svejedno želim reći da i ova moja nije loša. Dapače, mnogo je dobra! Kada bih je samo htio okusiti, ne bi se razočarao.

Ja sam tvoje probala, i kažem ti da je ovo žešće. Misliš li ti, ako me iti malo poznaješ, da bih se ja zakačila za neku la-la hipi spikicu jer mi je bilo teško u životu – bu-hu? Možda me potcjenjuješ, sada bar znaš. Ovo čime se bavim je moćno iznad svih očekivanja svake osobe koja je ikad došla na Program Sreće. Misliš se, okej, malo yoga, malo meditacija, onda ti se dogodi: žblam! Koliko ja znam, od svih ljudi koji su bili kod mene na tečaju, tko god je ostao do kraja, dobio je žblam. Par ljudi mi je reklo da su se poplašili kad su vidjeli kako je meni sve ovo promijenilo život, i da nisu bili spremni, niti jesu, da se i njima tako nešto dogodi. Volimo biti lijeni, biti u svojoj zoni komfora, gdje sami upravljamo, ili mislimo da upravljamo donekle svojim životom. Ne sviđa nam se da nešto pustimo da bude onako kako treba biti. Ne ono u stilu: sve si isplaniram u tanane, ali pravim se da puštam neka bude kako treba biti. Nego stvarno, prazne glave, zadovoljnog srca, samo pusti. Neka bude.

To sam naučila samo i jedino iskustvom. Podučena sam, pokazano mi je iskustveno, kakav je to osjećaj i što to znači biti uistinu prazne glave i punog srca. Tada ništa nije važno, ni jedna misao, niti jedan osjećaj te ne remeti iz dubokog, glasnog mira. Taj mir je toliko glasan, zaglušujuć. Čuješ sve oko sebe kristalno jasno, ali te zvukovi ne povrjeđuju. Osjetiš nelagodu, dođe, prođe, ti si netaknut, nepomaknut, miran kao plamen svijeće u sobi bez daška vjetra.  

Na svakodnevnoj razini nam 10 puta netko poremeti neku našu ideju, očekivanje, kaže nam nešto što nam se ne sviđa, napravi nešto što nas povrijedi. Od najintimnijeg okruženja do slučajnog prolaznika. I svaki taj boc nas malko poremeti. Poslije o tome ili razmišljamo, ili kad nam se skupi previše onda malo plačemo. Jeli te tko kada naučio kako da otpustiš sve te utiske? Jeli ti itko ikada pokazao, konkretno, učinio da osjetiš što to uistinu biti slobodan od zamjeranja? Mirnog uma, punog srca, bez obzira na težinu okolnosti?
Jednom mi se sestra rugala, jer sam se naljutila. Kako to sad, sva si pametna, meditiraš, ništa ti to nije poslužilo – ljuta si. Da, naljutim se. I teško mi je i budem tužna i povrijeđena. Samo ne više sedam godina, nego možda koji dan, najduže. Kako dođe, tako prođe. Ne zadržavam zamjeranje nekome pola života. Naljutim se u sekundi, odljutim u drugoj, bez da potiskujem osjećaje. Bez da ih spremam na osvetnički popis. Ne govorim ti sve ovo da bih ti rekla da radiš nešto krivo, a ja baš imam dobar recept. Samo ti nudim da kušaš nešto što nisi ranije kušao. Čemu se toliko opireš? Što te toliko odbija da nešto probaš?

Ja se opirem mnogočemu, i znam i zašto. Znaš li ti koji je razlog? Koji je razlog iza tog prvog izgovora koji ti pada napamet? A iza toga, što stoji? Koji je pravi razlog?

Prestani pisati u svojoj glavi popise izgovora zašto neke stvari ne radiš, i jednostavno ih već jednom napravi. I svakako već jednom shvati da sve ovo govorim samo sebi, a ti si samo pasivni slušač mog bljezgarenja. Čitaš jer imam dobar stil pisanja. Ili ne?I daj više odi na taj tečaj Umijeća življenja, Program sreće i prosvijetli se.

Ili još bolje, dokaži mi da nisam u pravu! Šta ti ja tu prodajem? Neku maglu, neko Theta iscjeljivanje, kažem ti da vidim prošle živote i energetski oslobađam od obrazaca iz prošlosti? Neku tehniku disanja, par dana nekog tečaja koji će mi promijeniti život? Glu-pos-ti. Dokaži mi da nisam u pravu, ako se usudiš.

:ninja:

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Yoga is my drug. Or drugs are my yoga. How to find the balance?

 
Since childhood I felt an insatiable need for something. I used to say: I need this. One of my character traits is that I do need something and I need to do something to get it. There used to be a kid in my class I would fight with. He was not completely normal and was stubborn, I was even more so. Once in the classroom he threw something at me and hit me in the head, a sensitive bit, where a birthmark was – it hurt a lot. How come he had hit me in my birthmark, he was an idiot!I made a plan with my friend Sabina, to train every day till end of the school year and then would beat him up. What a plan, huh?Sabina and me, we trained, ran in circles and jumped a lot, but the reason behind it got lost and I never gave Branimir that intended proper beating. I stuck the point of a crayon in his arm. It was so mean, but I really did not know how to control myself.

I was doing rhythmics at that time. A kind of dancing. We had a teacher that would hold the rhythm with Spanish castanetas and she would sometimes gently clap us on the thighs. Not such a big deal at the time, probably would create a big uprise with the parents today.

I wanted to beat up Branimir but I also wanted to dance in a tight suit and ballerina-like shoes. It was similar to later in life; I wanted to be a hot-shot and cool in my social circles but at the same time was expecting gentleness and care.

After the war, I was 11, we moved house to ancompletely new environment – a different school, language and colleagues in Rijeka. The kids were pushing me away: I was new, speaking an unusual dialect (born southerner that had spent the last year in the north of Croatia, I was mixing the two), too tall and flat chested. The only way I could be accepted was to be intimidating and fearless. I was anyway not particularly effeminate, so I could play the card of being a physical threat. I already tried cigarettes so I would smoke behind the school with a girl they called “the Barell”, she was a bit of a fatty, had flunk several classes and was dangerous. 

Even then I just wanted to be liked and I wanted to have someone to kiss with. Since I kissed for the first time, I found it was very pleasant, even though I had imagined it differently.

In high-school the same continued, even though I was growing into being more of a girl. I would occasionally wear makeup, but more in a glam rock style than a girly one. Leather trousers and black T-shirts. I was tough, but was expecting gentleness. Quite hard to put those two together, but that was what I wanted to be and to have without having to change.

An interesting fact was that the boys I dated were more like girls, and the girls were tough cookies. With the boys it was me who was the stronger half and with the girls I was often the softer one. The truth must be somewhere in the middle. As I myself am somewhere in the middle, the other side should be as well.

Most of my life I dressed boyishly, feeling uneasy in wearing dresses, even though I secretly wanted to. Only in Uni I found a style of my own, that had the feminine touch but to a very limited extent. For example wearing a skirt on top of trousers.

Eternally in extremes, eternally in search for the middle.

By the age of 22 I had done my first yoga and meditation course. I felt like I was alive for the first time in my life. I was smoking and drinking from an early age, so by the time I was 22 I was quite tired of the lifestyle. I was 24 when I started volunteering, organising courses, inviting people to learn how to meditate. I was not smoking nor drinking for two years straight. It was not easy. It was not easy to be a girl OR a boy; comprehend, accept and live the fact of being both in different ways. In one moment being one and as easily switching to be the other.

I grew apart from friends, stopped going to concerts and festivals. After some time I started to miss all that, I wanted to go out, listen to some good live music. But how? In those places everyone was smoking and not meditating? I would step by step start to go out more and more, adjusting to the environment. A beer or two, a joint here and there, and little by little back to square one, to the old patterns. I went back and forth for a few years and in one moment got seriously exhausted of the ping pong effect, so I opted for the less self-destructive side. I knew not how to keep the best of both. For me only two options existed, one or the other. This time I had ran away from that which was pulling me to drink again and again. First I went to Bulgaria, then Iceland, to Zadar, then the island of Brač, India and finally Germany. After some time the same desires came back, the ones I just ignored during that time, putting a pause to it all. A life of extremes is just not it, my dear Gordana, whether now or then, it needs to come into balance. If it were not for the music and the people as well, I have to admit, being sonclosely connected to drinking, smoking and weed, I would put that part of my life behind me and forgot about it.

Obviously life is trying to teach me how to live everything I want to, in harmony, in balance. Have the best of both.

I have not felt complete only being a boy.I have not felt complete only being a girly girl.I have not felt complete going to concerts and getting drunk.I have not felt complete listening to only spiritual music and meditating.

Everything leads me to find the centre. Life, I admit to you, that there is no choice but to learn the lesson you have been teaching me for so long: to accept myself the way I am, to accept others as they are, without conflict, without rejection, without passively accepting. I am totally cool exactly as I am and so are you!

The boomerang effect. Whatever you throw out there comes back to you.

I have one word for you: Tinder. The meaning of the word is that tiny pieces of wood we use to build a fire more easily. A mobitel/pad application that shows you people (men or women or both) in a 160km radius, you choose an age range. If you like, you swipe the image right, if not, then left. If the same person likes you, the option of chatting opens up.

In the earlier days we used to go out to meet people, so you could experience a million bad pickup lines or dance attempts in your direction – this is the same only online. I went to two live dates – I do not feel like chatting for two long, if I get the idea that the person is relatively normal, I would rather just meet up and see. The first seemed perfect, but that was it. Nothing from under the surface. At least I could not find anything. It is so interesting. Let us take grandma’s homemade gnocchi as an example – you take the recipe, follow it religiously as she did as well, but your gnocchi are not even close to what hers tasted like.  Grandma’s secret recipe? Love? The feeling she made them with? Years of experience?

This is just the same, the recipe perfect, the meal with no taste.
The second one was okay, but we are two completely separate worlds. Maybe I make judgments way too early and am doing what I would not like others doing to me.

As if I put myself out there, on the marketplace, by putting my profile on the chat date. And as if I am browsing a market place: the tall ones, short ones, ugly, pretty, hiding, open, mystic. Look at this one, quite handsome, but look at his other picture, he seems to like being an idiot, do I really need something like that in my life?

Categories came naturally: weak, no brain pretty, artiste, married with kids, interesting, average, criminal, sweet, boring, too intriguing to be real etc. I started getting dizzy from the categories, qualities and labels.

How many crappy pickup lines, utterly boring questions, ignoring your messages, do you have to go through until you find at least one normal person? I would not have got so exhausted of it if I had really not met a person in the flesh, regardless of the online efforts. Then I understood that all those smart descriptions of yourself and others are worth nothing until you actually see the person live and you do not really like them.

You criticise less, you see the qualities and lacks in a different light. You simply like the person, and even if something is not ideal, you accept it, you find excuses why you actually would not mind certain things. You can perfect the recipe on paper as much as you wish to, but the cooked meal is a completely different experience.
The river brought me something, to my home, in my lap. Even though this person is no longer here, I wish to know them more, spend more time together, allowing nature to do its course. What will be I cannot know.I am scared like a kitten when startled by a loud noise, but that is not stopping me from exploring the world around me.
One aspect is how much we truly are compatible and supportive for each other (we barely know each other). The next is about how much I am shut or scared (from former experiences) to recognise and allow love to happen. The third is the right place and time, will nature support it (karma)?
Keep your fingers crossed. Actually, it will either be or not be. If it will, it will for sure be interesting and challenging. If not, it was, and then it stops being and then I find myself sort of starting from scratch. I am certain I have one quality, and that is: endurance. I can survive almost everything, nothing can really break me. That part I know well. To address shit, challenges and unpleasant situation, I have mastered. Can I handle attention, nice moments spent together, support? If that is what is coming.
I hope, Universe, that you are bringing me something good and I am utterly scared that I am not hoping at the wrong Universe. Doubts and insecurities. I cannot get my head to do anything smart, I can only, as usual, let my heart to lead the dance. If it does get a little scared, give it a gentle push, encouragement and trust that nature wishes to teach and support. Whichever way it chooses to do so.

I think I threw the boomerang a long time ago, and that it is coming back just now. Such is this life!

A bit of concrete and abstract for the end

When I could find the words to describe what I am experiencing, feeling and contemplating myself, the universe, nature and Guru, I would be able to write an indestructable dictionary that would last from now till the end of time and from another beginning. Maybe the only language that can somewhat do that is sanskrit, where every word has a billion meanings, each more abstract from the other. A language that does not contain words like: table, hatred, hooligan, but rather: bliss, divine, celebration.

I was teaching a course called the Happiness Program these last two weekends. Ha! One of my former landlords commented on the name of the association, being the “Art of living”, saying something along these lines: what, we others do not know how to live and need to be taught how? I had not said it at the time, but I did think to myself: no, you do not know how to live. If you would know how to increase your happiness and your capacity to experience joy by 10, by yourself, why do you not do it? Come on.

I would be lying if I said and I am lying if I say: no matter how, what is important is for you to be happy. On one level I do believe it to be true. Everyone can have their own thing, their own path in this life, but I still wish to tell you that mine is not so bad, really. It is quite excellent! If you would just want to try it, you would not be disappointed.

I tried your version and I tell you this is the shit. Do you really think, if you know me at all, that I would get hooked on some la-la-la hippy thing because I had a bit of a hard time in my life – boo hoo? You might be underestimating me, at least now you know.

What I am doing is powerful beyond any expectations of any person before having done the Happiness Program. You think, yeah, a bit of yoga, meditation and then – kaboom! As far as I know, of all the people who have completed a course with me, got faced with a kaboom. A few people close to me said that they got a bit scared in how it changed my life, and that they were not ready and they still might not be. We like to be lazy, in our comfort zone, where we are the pupeteers, or we think we are. We do not like to let things be as they should be. ‘I planned everything to the last detail, but yes, I am letting it be as it should be’. Not like that, but really letting it be, with an empty mind and a content heart, just let it be. Let it be.

I learned how to let things be only through experiencing first what it truly means to let things be. I was taught, it was shown to me, experientially, what it feels like and what it means to have an empty mind and a full heart. In that state of being nothing is important, no thoughts, no emotions can disturb that deep, loud peace. That kind of peace is extremely loud, deafening. You can hear all the sounds around you in crystal clarity, but are not affected by them. You might feel a little discomfort, it comes and goes, you are untouched, unmoved, still as a glow of a candle in a room without the tiniest bit of breeze.

Ten times per day someone disturbs our ideas, expectations, says something we do not like, does something that hurts us; whether coming from our most intimate companion or a random passer-by, it pricks us a little every time. Later we recall the pricks, think about them or cry it out a bit when the pain starts overflowing. Has anyone ever taught you how to let go of these accumulated impressions? Has anyone ever showed you, concretely, made you feel what it really means to be free from resentment? To have your mind at peace, heart fulfilled, no matter what the circumstances are?

One of my sisters was teasing me for getting angry. She said, how come, now that you are all smart, and meditating? It did you no good, you still get angry. Yes, I do. And I also feel sad and hurt. But now it does not last for seven years, maybe a day, the longest. As it comes, it passes. I do not keep resentments for half a life any more. I get angry in a split second, and not in the next, without supressing my feeelings. Without making revenge lists. I am not saying all this to make you feel or think you are doing something wrong, and I have the only good recipe. I am offering you to taste something you might have not tasted before. What are you resisting so much? What is putting you off trying?

I resist many things, and I know exactly why. Do you know why you are resisting? What is the real reason behind the first excuse your mind comes up with? And behind that, what is it? What is the true reason?

Stop creating long lists of excuses in your mind why you are not doing certain things and just simply start doing! And please do understand that while telling you something, I am really only telling myself what I need to hear, you are just a passive listener to my endless crap. You read this blog because you like my writing? Or? Really just do the Art of living course, the Happiness Program and get enlightened once and for all.

Or even better, prove me wrong! What is it I am selling, really? Some kind of dodgy stuff, this Theta healing thing, I am telling you I can see past lives and liberate you energetically from the patterns of your past? Some breathing technique I am talking about, that will change your entire life in a few days? Non-sense.Prove me wrong, if you dare.

:ninja: