Poniženost,
Samoća i Pritisak

nasuprot

Poniznosti, Ispunjenosti i Otpuštanju

O Berlinu
kasnije, jebeš sad Berlin. TV-sapunjara koja se događa unutra je uvijek 500
puta zanimljivija nego sam život!

Poniženje. Tko bi rekao, da Gordana Tihomirović biva ponižena
iznova i iznova? Da se osjeća poniženom? Tako jaka, tako sposobna, toliko puno
radi…

           Guruji kaže da nam ljudi ništa ne
rade, da su samo poštari naše karme. Dostavljaju je na naš kućni prag. Ako ti
osjećaš svoju malenost, onda ćeš se pored drugih, kakvi god oni bili, osjećati
maleno. Zaboravi na to da ti nešto druga osoba radi – ZABORAVI!

Očito negdje još uvijek osjećam i vjerujem da sam malena, manje vrijedna,
nedovoljna. I zato mi se ta poniženja i dalje događaju. Lako je ljutiti se na
drugu osobu i reći nekome da je glup, ali to je smiješno. Smiješni su ljudi –
hodajuća ogledala jedni drugima, s prividom interakcije. Dok je sva interakcija
posljedica impresija koje nosiš, jedino tako vidiš drugu osobu. Ona vidi tebe
pak kroz prizmu svojih impresija. Konstantno podržavamo međusobno sljepilo.

Kako se nosim s osjećajem poniženosti – plačem. Ti ne bi?

Kako još? Sudarshan Kriya – ispire negativne emocije umjesto vas.

Prijedlozi? Jednostavno primjetiti kad dođe i ne dati joj prostora za rast.
Ili kad dođe – reći joj: zbogom! Nisi dobrodošla, poniženosti. Odlazi!

Zatim usamljenost. Ako niste već primjetili, poprilično pišem o
međuljudskim odnosima, čas koliko su nepostojani i nepostojeći, čas koliko su
divni i krasni i koliko u njima i s njima ima za mene ljubavi i sreće. No na
kraju dana, ipak često osjećam da ostajem sama. Kao mali pas. Sklupčam se u
svoj prazni krevet i idem spavati sama sa svojom glavom. Konstantno u
nepovjerenju prema ljudima, misleći da me ne poznaju i ne razumiju. Zašto se
tako osjećam? Nemam pojma, zasada. Kad doznam, javim!

Kad sam bila mlađa, svaki odnos mi je bio jednako važan i svaki
prijatelj/partner u životu najvažniji. Za svakog bi se bila odmah udala i
sanjala o provođenju cijelog života zajedno. Od prvog dečka, s negdje 14 godina
nadalje. I o tome sam pisala – za mene je svaki bio pravi / svaka bila prava do
trena dok nije to prestala / prestao biti. Ta osoba je postajala prava odmah, i
prestajala biti prava odmah.

Zadnje tri – četiri godine sam birala biti sama, u smislu dalje od
prijatelja i obitelji. Uvijek negdje na putu, ili na nekom novom mjestu gdje
nema poznatih. Uvijek druženje s gomilom ljudi, ali iznutra nekako usamljena,
ne pokazujući svoje iznutrice drugima. Ne osjećajući dovoljno povjerenja da se
otvorim poput lotusovog cvijeta. Možda ti se ovo čini kao kakav oksimoron –
misliš da sam tako otvorena, pišem blog, objavljujem pjesme. Možda me ti tako
vidiš, a ja osjećam da ipak nisam, da skrivam, da ne dam sebe. Pjesme skladam i
sviram sama u sobi, nikad pred drugima, i onda stavim link na internet. Pitaj
me da ti odsviram svoju pjesmu, vidjet ćeš što je to sram u njegovom elitnom
obliku. Pišem blog. Pišem ga sama sebi, ionako mi rijetko kad tko odgovori ili
komentira. Tada tek postanem svjesna da netko tamo negdje čita moje sulude
misli.

Kako se nosim s usamljenošću? Tako da se svako malo ponadam da je to
neistina.

Kako još? Samo je jedan: moj Guru. Ako postoji netko pored koga se mogu
osjećati voljeno do zadnje stanice u tijelu i čuvano kao od najprisnije majke na
svijetu, to je za mene fizička prisutnost Gurua ili osjećaj koji imam kad
osjećam kao da je fizički blizu mene.

Ideje? Da naiđe neka fina duša pored koje se neću osjećati usamljeno?
Transcendirati usamljenost?

Guranje / Nestrpljenje / Pritisak

I tako se poveselim kao malo dijete kad se s nekim susretnem, za koga
osjećam da me neće smatrati potpuno suludom, i moj život potpuno besmislenim,
moj životni put potpuno sumanutim, moje pjesme, i želju za izražavanjem potpuno
nenormalnom. Sva se poveselim, kao malo dijete. Ali ipak nisam malo dijete, pa
si dozvolim par racionalnih misli. Trudim se biti manje djetetom, i paziti se.
Pogledati lijevo i desno ili desno i lijevo (ako sam u Engleskoj ili Indiji) da
me auto ne pregazi. Ali ne znam dugo biti oprezna, priroda mi je istraživačka,
nagla, impulzivna i onda se zaletim, i vrlo brzo bivam pregažena. Izgleda kako vrijeme
ide, svaki put sve brže i brže. Ni ne osvrnem se – već ležim nasred ceste.

I znam da, dok god sam tako neoprezna i srljam i žurim i požurujem pretrčati
preko crvenog, ništa dobro ne može naići. Tek kada u miru počekam uopće prijeći
cestu, kad dočekam to zeleno svijetlo, i svejedno pogledam u oba smjera – tek
tada možda i prijeđem napokon tu cestu koja mi sada ne da na drugu stranu.

Lijepo je to znati,
malo teže u životu upotrijebiti to znanje.

Kako se nosim s nestrpljenjem? Ne nosim ga.

Kako još? Polako ga gulim uz pomoć Theta iscjeljivanja.

Ideje? Da se ponovno rodim kao netko drugi.

Ako se osjećam poniženo, znači da sam negdje ponosna do bola. Možda
jedino umjesto poniženja i ponosa, da češće prizovem poniznost? Ako se osjećam
poniženom, možda bih trebala razmisliti kako je nekima na ovoj planeti, i što
je to, ta poniženost koju ja doživljavam – nije nešto veliko. Samo pričica u
glavi, dok je kod drugih vrlo vjerovatno gruba realnost, te puno više
ponižavajuća.

Ako se osjećam usamljenom, znači da negdje osjećam da meni nešto nedostaje.
Nemam dovoljno ljubavi za sebe, pa se nadam da će je netko drugi donijeti za
mene?

Ako sam nestrpljiva, nije li da se trebam naučiti strpljenju? Danas
sam čula riječi koje su me se dojmile: Kuda žuriš? Što tražiš? Misliš da ti,
maleni, možeš kontrolirati svoj život? Misliš da si veći od života? Da imaš
veću moć, bolji plan? Opusti se, i imaj vjeru, znaj da sve što ti treba dolazi
samo, samo moraš stati i primjetiti.

 

Dva mala čuda

Imam dva mala
čuda za podijeliti s vama, koji čitate. Povremeno me glava boli neumjereno. To
se valjda naziva migrenom, kada ti smeta svjetlo i ništa ne pomaže i ne
prestaje i bubnja. Obično mi se to dogodi po noći, kada se ne mogu dovesti u
stanje da nekog tražim pomoć. Sjedim na krevetu s glavom nagnutom prema nazad
(tada ne bubnja), i dišem. Ne mogu meditirati ni raditi Thetu, jer me tada još
više boli. Traje nekoliko sati. Potpuno budna trpim tu nemoguću bol. Znam da
ona dolazi uvijek uslijed nekog emocionalnog stresa, puno rada itd. Još nisam
naučila kako da je zaustavim, niti spriječim. Pošto svatko od nas ima trun
doktora u sebi, možda ima neko magično rješenje i želi ga ponuditi, možda u
zamjenu za nešto drugo? Neka se javi.

Sada mi se to dogodilo usred sata yoge, u grupi. Počela sam raditi yogu, sa
sve glavoboljom, ali u jednom trenutku je bilo stanje pred onesvještenje, pa
sam pobjegla van (što inače NIKAD ne bih napravila – osuđujem ljude koji napuštaju
kino-projekcije kada im se ne sviđa film – sram te bilo!). Sjela sam na krevet,
u svoj uobičajeni mučenički položaj, glave daleko nazad. Boli. Boli. Boli. Boli
jako. Boli jače. Bol prelazi granice razumno prihvaćajuće boli. Gordana plače,
boli jače.

           Kako me bilo grozno sram što sam
napustila sat, bila sam još jače pod pritiskom da glava prestane boljeti što
prije. Nitko ne želi da ga se vidi u tom stanju, pa tako ni ja. Kad je bol
doživljavala svoje vrhunce, i nisam više mogla spriječiti suze, u trenutku
bunila sam pomislila: «Tko mi može pomoći? Sad?» Prva osoba koja mi je pala
napamet je Sestra Katina (inače moja privatna medicinska sestra), ali kako sada
doći do nje? I da je opet gnjavim, kao inače? No, žurilo mi se da bol stane što
prije. Inače to sve traje minimalnih 3 sata, dok ne zaspem. U tren oka sam se
sjetila kako sam jednom u Bangaloreu imala visoku temperaturu; bila sam i
gladna i žedna, i nisam mogla izaći iz kreveta, a svi su otišli bili pozdraviti
Gurujija koji je tada upravo bio došao u Ashram. Mislila sam si, Guruji, ako
pothitno nešto ne napraviš da ovo grozno stanje prestane, u pidžami ti dolazim
u Ganga Kutir (kućicu gdje prima ljude), ima da me tamo na licu mjesta središ.
Nije prošlo pet minuta, odjednom mi se u sobi stvorilo pet ljudi. Jedan mi je
davao blagoslov, drugi tiho pjevušio, mazili mi glavu, susjeda kuhala juhu,
pripremali mi čaj za inhalaciju… Nisam mogla vjerovati. Stvarno me čuo?
Sjetivši se te situacije, u tom bolnom bunilu sam rekla, Guruji ako mi sad ne
pomogneš jednostavno ću crknut, CRKNUT! I tako sam vapila za njim da mi
pomogne, bol nije odlazila, a napetost u umu samo jačala…. Odjednom sam se
našla u stanju potpune smirenosti. Kada sam vidjela koliko je sati, vidjela sam
da je prošlo sat vremena, i da sam bila u dubokoj meditaciji cijelo to vrijeme.
Potpuno sam bila zapanjena, glava je i dalje boluckala, jenjavajući, a um u
potpunom miru. Inače baš ništa ne pomaže SATIMA; obično u neko doba krenem šetati,
pa povraćati od boli i slično. Guru me sasjekao u korijenu. I/ili moja
neumoljivost da prođe, potpuno prepuštanje.

Ovo prethodno je
bilo Guru čudo dva-u-jedan. Preteća još jednom sasvim malom čudu. Tečaj na
kojem sam ovih dana zove se Napredni tečaj Art of Living Yoge – znači samo za napredne
Jogije, molim! Jedna od preporuka je bila da manje pričamo i više budemo sa
sobom. Znači nije bilo striktno pravila da se šuti, nego samo da se manje
govori. Vjerovali ili ne – tadaaaaaam – zadnji dan tečaja, jedna fina dama je
iskomentirala da sam ja osoba koja je najmanje
govorila tijekom cijelog programa. Nisam ni ja mogla vjerovati da se meni
obraća, ali izgleda da je istina. UISTINU ČUDO!

Posveta

I za kraj mala
posveta jednom čupavom i mekanom biću koje je uslijed ljudskog neznanja i
mržnje stradalo, našoj prijateljici Priji.

Prija nije dugo
imala ime,

Gertruda, Fani,
Nebuloza – nisu bila imena za nju.

Nije joj bilo
potrebno ime, jer ona je vrlo jednostavno bila privržena prijateljica – i kako
je Katina to lijepo prepoznala, jednostavno je proglasila Prijom.

Prija je bila
slatka i umiljata, i pomalo lijena.

Spavala je uvijek
u šumi i nije se žalila.

Samo se čula kad
je bilo kakva hrana bila u pitanju, naša ili njena.

Bila je često
skotna, a mi mislili lijena i debela – nije puno mačića ostalo uz nju.

Ljepotica,
mekica, privrženica, Prija nam je stradala od ruke nepoštenih, mrzovoljnih i
nesvjesnih umova. Ne zaboravljamo, ali opraštamo, kada budemo mogli.

Prijo, hvala ti
što si bila tako dobra prijateljica, želimo da nam se brzo vratiš i učiniš i druge
sretnim u tvom toplom društvu.

__________________________________ENGLISH HERE_____________________________________

Humiliation,
Loneliness and Pushing

vs.

Humility, Fulfillment and Letting go.

We will
talk about Berlin later, fuck Berlin now. The tele-novella going on inside is
always a 500 times more interesting than life itself!

Humiliation. Who would have said, that Gordana Tihomirović,
gets humiliated again and again? That she can even feel humiliated? So strong,
so competent, working so hard…

           Guruji says that people do not do
anything to us, that they are just postmen of your karma. Delivering it at your
front doors. If you feel your smallness, then you will, however others act
around you, feel small. Forget about others doing
something to you – FORGET ABOUT IT!

           Obviously I still feel somewhere and
believe I am small, and less valuable, insufficient. That is why the
humiliations still happen. It is easy to get angry at the other person or to
tell someone they are stupid, but that is close to being ridiculous. People are
ridiculous – walking mirrors for each other, with an illusion of interacting
with each other. All interaction is only consequence of the impressions you
carry, and through them see the other. The other person therefor sees you
through the prism of their own impressions. So we keep supporting each others’
blindness.

           How do I deal with being humiliated
– I cry. You would not?

           What else? Sudarshan Kriya – washes
out all negative emotions instead fo you.

           Suggestions? Just noticing when it
is there, not to give her the space to grow. When it comes – tell it: good-bye!
You are not welcome, humiliation, get out!

Then loneliness. If you have not already noticed how much I
write about inter-personal relationships, now how unstable and inexistent they
are, then how amazing and beautiful they are and how much love and joy there is
in them. At the end of the day, I often feel I am alone. Like a pup. I curl
into my empty bed and go to sleep with only my mind. In constant mistrust
towards people, thinking they do not know me nor understand me. Why do I feel
like that? I have no clue, for now, I will let you know once I do.

           As I was younger, every relationship
was equally important to me and every partner the most important one. I would
marry each one in my mind and dream of a lifetime together. From my first
partner, when I was about 14, on. I wrote about it before – every single one
was the one until they ceased to be it. The one would become instantly the one
and would stop being the one in an instant.

The last three – four years I chose to be more
alone, from friends and family. Always on the road, or living in a new place
without anyone familiar. Always keeping company of many people, but alone on
the inside, not showing my entrails to no one. Not really feeling enough trust
to open like the lotus does. It might seem like a bit of an oxymoron for you –
you think I am so open, I write the blog, I publish my songs. You might see me
like that, but I feel I am not, that I am hiding, not giving myself. I write
and sing my songs in my room, alone, never in front of others and then I post a
link on the Internet – easy. Ask me to play you one of my songs and you will
see what is shame, in its elite form. I write this blog, mostly to myself.
Rarely people respond or comment. I become aware people read here and there,
these lunatic thoughts of mine.

How do I deal with loneliness? By hoping again
and again it is not the truth.

What else? My Guru. If there is someone next to
whom I can feel loved to the last cell in my body and feeling safe and taken
care of as if of the closest mother in this world, that for me is the physical
presence of the Guru or the feeling I get when I feel as if he were next to me.

Ideas? That a nice soul stumbles upon me, next
to whom I would not feel lonely? Transcend loneliness?

Pushing  / Impatience / Pressure

I get excited like a little kid when I meet
someone new, when I imagine that I will not be seen as a complete nutter, and
my life as utterly senseless, my life’s path as raté, my songs and desire to
express myself as abnormal. I get excited. Like a kid. But I am not a little
kid, allowing myself a few rational thoughts, I take care, to a certain extent.
Look left and right, or right and left (if in England or India), look out for
the cars. Unfortunately I do not know how to keep up the diligence; my nature
is of exploration, impulsive and rash –
I step forward and get run over quite early. As time goes by, I get run
over sooner. Without looking back, I am lying in the middle of the road.

I know that, as long as I am not cautious and
make haste and running across the red light, nothing good can come out of it.
When I will be standing to wait for the lights to change, and look both ways –
then only I might cross that road that is now not letting me to cross it. It is
nice to know this, a bit harder to use the knowledge.

How do I treat impatience? I do not treat it.

What else? I am peeling it off layer by layer
with Theta Healing.

Any ideas? To be reborn as another person.

If I am feeling humiliated, means I am at the same time very
proud. Maybe I could, instead having humiliation and pride, find more humility.
If I feel humiliated, should I not think of others on this planet? What is
really the humiliation I am experiencing – not something very big. A minor
story in the vastness of stories in my mind. For others it might be based on
reality, that is probably much worse than my own.

If I am feeling
lonely, means
that I feel a lack somewhere inside. I have not enough love for myself, so I
keep hoping someone else will bring it for me?

If I am feeling impatient, should I not learn patience? I
heard something today that struck me: Where are you in a hurry to go? What is
it you are looking for? You think that little you have the ability to control
your life? You think you are greater than life? That your plan is greater,
that you have more power? Relax, have faith; know that whatever is in store is
coming to you, you just need to take a moment to notice it.

Two little miracles

I have two
little miracles to share with you who are reading. I sometimes get headaches.
They must be what people call migraines, when light bothers you and it is not
stopping and nothing helps and it keeps pounding. I usually get it at night
when I cannot ask for help. I sit with my head back (reduces the pounding) and
I breathe. I cannot meditate or do Theta healing, as it hurts more. It takes a
few hours to get over. I stay wide-awake and endure it. I know it usually comes
after emotional stress or overworking etc. I have still not learnt how to stop
or prevent it. As each one of us has a particle of doctorhood in them, maybe
you might be the one who has a magical solution and wishes to offer it, or exchange
for something else? Do be in touch.

           This time the headache came to visit
in the middle of a group yoga session. I started the session with the headache
starting already, but after coming to a breaking point, I ran out (that I would
normally NEVER EVER do – I condemn people who leave the cinema when they do not
like the film – shame on you!). I sat on my bed in my usual martyr pose, my head
way back. Pain. Pain. Pain. A lot of pain. Increasing. If I cry, it hurts more
and more.

           As I was so ashamed to have walked
out of the class, I was under more pressure of having the headache to be over
sooner. No one wishes to be seen in such a state, me neither. As the pain was
peaking, and I could not prevent myself from crying (more pain), in a moment of
delirium I was thinking: “Who can help me? Now?” The first personthat came to
my mind was Katina (my sister and private nurse), but how to reach her now? To
bother her again, as I usually do? And I was in such a hurry to make it stop!
The process usually goes up to a minimum of three hours, until I can fall
asleep. I remembered that one time in Bangalore when I had a high fever, and
was hungry and thirsty and did not have the strength to get out of bed.
Everyone ran off to meet Guruji, he had just arrived to the Ashram. I thought
then, Guruji, if you do not do something urgently for this terrible state of
hopelessness to come to an end, I will climb up to Ganga Kutir (his reception
quarters) in my pyjamas for you to better make things right
instantaneously.  A few minutes went by,
my room was swarming with people, one giving me a blessing, one quietly
humming, another gently massaging my head, my neighbour was making me soup and
someone else preparing an inhalation concoction… I could barely believe it. He
had really heard me? Remembering that occurrence, in my painful delirium I
said, Guruji, if you do not help me this instant I will just drop dead, DEAD! I
was crying for him to help me, I felt the pain increasing…. All of a sudden I
realised I was completely calm. I saw one hour had gone by, I was meditating. I
was completely stunned. My head still prickling with pain, but calming down.
Usually nothing helps, for hours; I then start walking around, then throwing up
etc. Guru cut it short, thanks to my strong persistence to receive help.

This last
paragraph was a Guru miracle two-in-one. An intro to another tiny miracle. The
course I have attended is an Advanced Art of Living Yoga program – only for
advanced Yogis. One of the recommendations of the teacher was for us to speak
less and spend more time with ourselves. There was no strict rule to keep
complete silence, just to speak less. Whether you can believe it or not –
tadaaaaaaaam: on the last day I was approached by a course participant telling
me I was the person who spoke the least
during the entire program. I could barely believe she was talking to me, but it
seems to be the truth. A miracle!

Dedication

For the end
a short dedication to a furry and soft being who in the course of human
ignorance and hatred got hurt, our friend Prija (read as Pri:ya=meaning Friend).

Prija had no name for a long while.

Gertrude,
Fanny, Nebulosis – were not names for her.

She had no
need of a name, as she was very simply a devoted Friend –

Katina had
nicely recognised it and announced her name as Friend (Prija)

Prija was
cute and graceful, and a tiny bit lazy.

She always
slept in the forest and did not complain.

One could
hear her only when it was about food, ours or hers.

She was
often pregnant, even though we took her as a bit lazy and fatty – not a lot of
kittens she left behind.

The beauty,
the softy, the loyal, Prija got hurt by the hand of the unfair, grumpy and
unconscious minds. We do not forget, but we can forgive, when we will be able
to.

Prija, thank you for being such a good friend, we wish for you to return
quickly and make others happy again in your presence.

 Prija in her favourite position