Posvećeno Tinu-ninu, prijatelju kojeg još nisam upoznala…

Gdje smo stali? Linearnoj vremenskoj liniji se
zagubio trag u zadnje vrijeme. Moguće jer je Navratri (festival božanske
majke), pa se energije poigravaju više nego u drugim dijelovima godine. Ja se
ipak nadam da se ovakve igre polako pretvaraju u konstantno stanje stvari, sviđa
mi se taj gubitak osjećaja linearnosti vremena.

Obećala sam izvještaj iz Berlina, pa ga evo:
Berlin. Berlin. Berlin. Što reći? Meni se čini da je Berlin prekul. Ali
PRE­kul. Sve je tako super i opušteno (ako je suditi po tome da u svako doba
dana i noći, ljudi svih profila i generacija piju nešto iz staklenih boca,
najčešće pivo), ima gomila sadržaja, zanimljivo djelujućih ljudi. Nema boljeg
mjesta za malo živjeti, doći u posjetu, iskusiti, vidjeti, pomirisati,
provozati se. I to je to.

Otprilike shvaćam zašto bi Hrvatima Berlin bio
apsolutno prava destinacija: Nije jako skup za živjeti (mislim naravno da je
skup, nama je sve skupo, jer smo totalni siromasi), cijene stanovanja su malo
veće nego kod nas, 900 EUR za trosobni stan, s režijama. Za razliku od recimo
Bruxellesa gdje je dvosobni stan u gradu i do 3000 EUR, ili Londona gdje je
jednosobni, u zabačenom dijelu grada, oko 1000. Hrana u dućanima je jeftina, i
može se jesti u restoranima. Opet ponavljam, jeftino u odnosu na zapadnu Europu
općenito, ne u odnosu na Hrvatsku.

Ima bar 5 skvotova, i isto toliko buvljaka, na
kojima se može naći SVE, i usput pjevati i karaoke, na primjer. Ima i svega
drugog; izložbi, koncerata, plesnjaka, kina, nema čega nema. I gomile stranaca,
većinom iz istočnijih dijelova Europe. Također i Njemci koji žive u Berlinu
izgledaju kao da su nekoliko puta već obukli odjeću koju nose, za razliku od
ostatka zemlje (bar ono što sam ja vidjela) gdje svi izgledaju kao da su upravo
iz izloga ispali. Želim reći u odnosu na Balkan, gdje kad imaš novi komad
odjeće, apsolutno je primjetno, jer nam je sve većinom odjeća iznošena. Sve je
kul, naizgled opušteno, pomalo prljavo i urbano užurbano.

Znam da mi prepoznaješ u tonu trunčicu
sarkazmića, ali ne mogu se suzdržati.

A sada najbolji dio bloga, i vrlo vjerovatno
zašto većina koja redovito čita, čita i dalje: što sam ja iz svog iskustva u
Berlinu naučila? Lijepo je imati sve dostupno, sadržaj, okolinu itd. Ali na
kraju svega, čemu sve to, jel to ono što me može učiniti sretnom? Koliko vremena
bi prošlo dok ne bih i negdje drugdje počela primjećivati nedostatke i
osuđivati ih?

Ovdje u ashramu imam vrlo malo ljudi s kojima se
uistinu družim, svi ostali su prolaznici, neki dragi, neki manje, ali
prolaznici. Tako zadovoljavam svoju potrebu za društvom, pozdravljam, pitam nekad
iz kurtoazije, nekad iskrenog interesa,­ kako si, što radiš, na kojem si
tečaju, čime se baviš u životu? Razgovor potraje koliko treba, možda naučim
nešto novo, inspiriram koga da mi se pridruži na nekom od projekata koje radim
i to je to. Nema vječnog sjedenja po kavama. Vidimo se, popijemo čaj, ja odoh
dalje. Dok u velikom gradu, samo da se s nekim susretneš izgubiš sat vremena, i
onda ako taj susret nije baš jako ugodan, moraš ostati, jer nije pristojno samo
nešto izmisliti i otići, kad si se već u startu dogovorio da se nađete.

Ali nije ni to, dragi moji, nije ni to. Stvar je
u tome da sam ja plakala i žudila za Berlinom, ili nekim mjestom gdje bih
izašla, slušala muziku, družila se. A onda kad sam dobila priliku za to,
shvatila sam da to uopće nije ono što želim. Htjela sam otići na koncert, došla
sam ispred prostora, gdje me dočekala najveća gužva ikad, i svi mortus zgaženi
već u 7 navečer. Najava koncerta je djelovala obećavajuće. Trebalo mi je 10
minuta da se konačno okrenem i odem. Kakva to sreća ili zadovoljstvo me moglo
dočekati unutar tog kluba? Pijano guranje i preglasna muzika, loši uleti, i
smrad znoja (navodno klubovi u kojima se ne puši prevladavaju miomirisi znojnih
žlijezda, koji se inače zakamufliraju ispod ubitačnog dima cigareta).

Možda je stvar u društvu, u obzir bi također
ljepše sjeo manji klub, srijeda navečer. Netko koga stvarno želim poslušati, pa
čak i veći koncert ako bi stvarno vrijedilo, po mogućnosti na otvorenom. Prošlo
je vrijeme kad sam u takvim izlascima uistinu uživala, a do sada je ostalo samo
sjećanje na to da me to veselilo. Jesam li odrasla? O, ne.

Vratila sam se u šumu, sretna što sam doma. Imala
sam naravno 501 ideju – opet – kako da se preselim i kako da si uredim život da
mi bude bolje, da budem sretnija, da bude idealnije, da bude lakše. Vratila mi
se prvobitna misao koja mi se bila pojavila kad sam prvi put htjela otići iz
ashrama, a to je: ne mogu odavde otići ni u kakvom otporu. Ako idem negdje
drugdje, to bi moralo biti potpuno u miru i ljubavi s mjestom gdje sam sada.
Nema bježanja, ako mi nije dobro ovdje, gdje po mojim mjerilima život ne može
biti puno savršeniji, gdje će mi onda biti dobro?

Gdje je to mjesto koje će me usrećiti, jer je
savršeno za mene, ako nije ovo gdje sam sada?

Ako ne naučim prihvaćati i voljeti mjesto i ljude
(i sebe) gdje se nalazim sada, kako ću to postići bilo gdje drugdje?

Neke od prednosti:

hrana je kupljena, spremljena i servirana

suđe, kupaona, ručnici i posteljina oprani

imam svoju sobu

radno mjesto osigurano

Mogu stvari postaviti i obrnuto:

ne mogu birati koju hranu jedem, nemam priliku
kuhati za sebe i druge

nikad ne radim kućanske poslove, nekada se
zaželim prati suđe i kupiti wc papir koji se meni sviđa

imam svoju sobu, ali kupaona je na hodniku

nekad stvarno jako puno radim

Situacija u stvarnom svijetu je ista, identična,
samo se pogled mijenja. Promjena pogleda izvrće realnu situaciju naglavce. Kako
Guruji kaže u Ashtavakra Giti (seriji predavanja o prosvjetljenju): potrebna je
vještina kako bi se promijenio pogled. Poput onoga kada imaš naizgled jednu
sliku, a kada je nagneš pojavi se druga slika. Sjećate se tih slikica, kad izgleda
kao da se lik na slici miče, ili bude potpuno druga slika kad malo nagneš? Ta
vještina je potrebna, da se pogled malo nagne na pravu stranu, i da vidiš
svijet u potpuno drugačijem svjetlu.

Kad um utihne, život se samo događa, i iz
trenutka u trenutak je u potpunosti prisutno davanje, slavlje, veselje,
podrška, nesebičnost. Tog trena kada dopustiš umu da vodi kolo, postaješ
sebičan, nezreo, umoran, nezadovoljna, zahtjevna.

Baci um u smeće! Kad ti zasmrdi pod nosom, ti ga
samo baci. Bez recikliranja. Daj ga smetlarima, neka ga nose. Neka se raspline
u ništa. I okusit ćeš čistoću postojanja samog.

Prestajem davati pažnju novcima, smještaju,
ljubavnicima, prijateljima, problemima, neimaštini.

Dajem prednost zadovoljstvu, smirenosti, uživanju
u svakom trenutku, poklanjam se kreativnosti, praznom prostoru iz kojeg tek
dolaze najdublja razumijevanja. Razumijevanja koja se počinju prikazivati srcu,
ne glavi. Razumijevanja o kojima ne razmišljaš, nego ti se samo pojave kao
ničim izazvana, točno onda kad treba.

Svaki trenutak sam u naizgled vrlo neopuštenom
stanju, samo žurim, radim, obavljam, moram pamtiti što sve treba napraviti,
idem s jednog zadatka na drugi. Ali u glavi, pogled na to što se događa je
posvemašnje prihvaćanje svakog trenutka takvim kakav je. Ni sekunde ne dopuštam
smeću da preuzme. Kada se pojavi jedna jedina misao nezadovoljstva, otpora,
prosuđivanja, samo je pogledam i nasmijem joj se, jer znam da nije stvarna,
znam da me neće uhvatiti u svoje ralje.

Dragi moji, ne sjećam se kada sam ovoliko dugo i
ovoliko intenzivno bila – vrlo jednostavno rečeno – opuštena.

U stvarnosti jedva da se išta promijenilo. Isti
ljudi su oko mene, iste izazovne situacije, možda pokoje obećanje da će stvari
biti bolje, koje dodatno stvara umu mir. Ali u suštini sve isto.

Kako jednostavno! Uistinu se ne razlikuje
stvarnost bilo da je živiš u nekoj pustinji, prašumi, na plaži ili u kući, u
šumi, u gradu. Ako želiš vidjeti loše strane, vidjet ćeš samo loše, ako želiš
vidjeti samo dobre, vidjet ćeš samo dobre. Ti si Stvoritelj svoga svijeta.

U kakvom svijetu želiš živjeti? U kreaciji uma
kojih kvaliteta želiš sudjelovati?

Pridruži mi se u šetnji sreće.

____________________________________________________________________________

Dedicated to Tin, a friend I have not yet met…

Where are we at? I have lost track on the linear perspective
of time lately. Possibly because of Navratri (the festival of the mother
divine), the energies are more playful then at other times of the year. I am
hoping that not keeping track of the linear perception of time is soon to be a more
constant state, I like it.

I promised a report about Berlin, so here goes:
Berlin, Berlin, Berlin. What to say? It seems to me that Berlin is just too
cool. TOO cool. Everything is just super and chilled (if judged by the fact people
of all profiles and generations are constantly having drinks out of glass
bottles, mostly beer). There is so much going on, people seem to be quite
interesting individuals. There is no better place to live in for a bit, visit,
taste, see, smell, ride about. And that is it.

I have a vague idea why to Croatians Berlin is
the best possible destination. It is not very expensive to live in (I mean, of
course it is expensive, to Croatians everything is expensive, because we are
simply poor), rents are a bit higher than in Croatia, some 900 € for a
three-room flat, bills included. In comparison to Bruxelles where a two-room
flat would be up to 3000 €, or London where a one-room flat quite off the
center could be around a 1000 £. Food is cheap in shops and eating out is not
so expensive. I repeat, cheap in comparison to Western Europe generally, not in
comparison to Croatian prices.

There are at least 5 squats, and as many flea
markets, where you can find it ALL, as well as sing karaoke if you wish to. There
are exhibitions, concerts, events, cinema, everything. And a whole lot of
foreigners, mostly from Eastern Europe. Even the German in Berlin people look
like they have actually worn their clothes more than a few times, as opposed to
the rest of the country where everyone looks like they have descended from a
shop window a second ago. Whereas in the Balkans, if you buy new clothes, it
really shows, because everything else looks quite worn.

Everything is cool in Berlin, seemingly relaxed,
a tiny bit littered and fast in an urban fashion.

I know you can sense some amount of sarcasm in my
tone, I cannot keep it in.

Now following is the best part of the blog, and
most probably why all of you keep reading: what have I really learned from my
Berlin experience?

That it is nice to have things available, good
content, interesting environment. BUT in the end, what for, really? Can that
make me happy? How much time would go by until here (by changing place) I would
start noticing flaws in that new place and judging them?

Here, in the ashram, there are a few people I
really spend time with, all the rest are passers-by, some dear to me, some
less, but still, just passers-by. That is how the need for company is satisfied;
I say hello, I ask, sometimes just to be polite, sometimes because I am genuinely
interested: how are you, what are you doing, which course are you taking, what
do you do in life? The length of the conversation is just about right, I might
learn something new, inspire people to join a project I am working on etc. We
meet, have tea, and then I am gone. Especially as I work here, it is easy to
say I have a task at hand. In a big city, just to meet someone takes an hour, and
then if it is not very pleasant, you still have to stay put, it is not nice to
just make something up and leave, when you have already made space to meet.

It is not even that, my dear. The thing is that I
was crying and longing for Berlin, or any place to go out, listen to music,
hang out. Once the opportunity presented itself, I realised this is not what I
want any longer. I wanted to go for a concert, came in front of the venue,
where there was a crowd of smashed drunken people, at 7pm. The concert seemed
to be a good one, according to the website, but it took me 10 minutes to turn
and leave. What kind of happiness or fulfillment could I have had inside that
club? Drunken pushovers, too loud music, lousy conversations and sweat smell
(it seems that clubs where there is no smoking smell quite bad of sweat, as
usually the cigarette smoke would neutralise it, or rather kill all other
smells).

Maybe it would be better if in good company, or
going to a smaller club, on a Wednesday evening, or to a concert of a band I
would really like to listen to, maybe an outdoor version of the same? The time
when I was really fully enjoying this kind of going out have gone by, and the
only thing is the memory of it, being fun. Have I become an adult? Oh, no!

I returned to my forest, happy to be home. I
again had about 501 ideas of where to move and how to make my life as
comfortable as possible, to be happier, to be more ideal, to be easier. Then
the first thought I had when I wanted to leave the ashram came back to me, as a
flashback – the one being: I cannot leave this place in a state of resisting.
If I am going anywhere else, it would have to be in a complete state of peace
and love with the place I am about to leave. No running away. If it is not good,
where according to my standards, life can be not much more perfect, when then will
it be more perfect?

Where is that place that will make me happy,
because it is just perfect for me, if not the one where I am now?

If I cannot learn to accept and love the place
and people (and myself) where I am now, how will I be able to anywhere else?

Some advantages of living in the Ashram:

The food is bought, made and served

Dishes, bathroom, towels, linen washed

I have my own room

The security of working

I could see things differently:

I can choose little what I eat, I can rarely cook
on my own

I never do any housework, sometimes I wish to
wash some dishes and buy the toilet paper I prefer

I do have my own room (unlike many others here),
but the bathroom is not attached, it is down the hall

Sometimes we really over work

The situation in the real world, in both cases,
is identical, only the point of view changes. The change of the point of view
transforms the situation into something that seems to have not been there
before. When Guruji says in the Ashtavakra Gita (a series of talks on
enlightenment): a skill is needed to tilt your view. Like those images when you
see one, but once you tilt it to one side, another one shows up. Do you
remember those images, when it seems like a particular element of it is
changing, or an entirely new image shows itself once you tilt it to one side?
That kind of skill is needed, to change your view a little into the right
direction, so you can see the world in a completely different light.

When the mind is quiet, life just keeps
happening, from moment to moment life is just giving, celebration, joy,
support, being selfless. The very moment you allow your mind to take over, you
become selfish, immature, tired, unhappy, demanding.

Throw that mind of yours in the garbage can! When
it starts smelling, you just throw it away. No recycling required. Give it to
the garbage men, let them take it away. Let it disappear into nothing. And you
will get a taste of the pure existence.  

Not continuing to give attention to money,
accommodation, lovers, friends, problems, poverty.

I give advantage to contentment, calmness,
enjoying every moment, I gift myself to creativity, to that empty space from which
the deep most understandings come from. The understandings coming from the
heart, not the head. The understandings you do not even think of, they just
come, without expecting them, exactly when needed.

Each moment I seem not to be in a relaxed state,
I am hurrying here and there, working, doing, remembering what needs to be done,
going from one task to the next. At the same time, in my mind, seeing what is
happening and embracing every single moment for what it is. Not allowing for
one second the garbage to take over. When a single thought of dissatisfaction,
resistance, judgment comes, I just look her into the face and laugh, because I
know it is not real, I know it cannot get a hold of me.

My dears, I cannot remember the last time I was,
for such a long time, and so intensely – simply put – relaxed.

In reality little has changed. The same people
are around me, the same challenging situations, maybe the only thing that has
come is a few promises that things will be better, that creates extra peace.
All in all, the same as before.

How simple! There is little difference between
living in the desert, the rainforest, on the beach, in the forest or in the
city. If you want to see the bad side, you will see only that, if you wish to
see the good ones, that is what you will see. You are the Creator of this
world.

In what kind of world do you wish to live in? Which
mind-created qualities would you like to enjoy?

Join me in the walk of joy.