‘JE ME I BRIGE’

Najbolja izjava svih
vremena. Što tebe ima bit brige za išta ikad? Kad se nađeš u vrijeme-prostornom
stanju osjećanja, disanja i gledanja kroz ‘je me i brige’ – na konju si. Tj. Tada
si nigdje, a pogotovo nisi u stanju brige.

 

Kad sam u ‘je me i brige’
stanju, znam da sam napravila posao i da sad mogu odmorko.

Nova godina je došla i
ošla, sestra je došla i ošla, a i ljubav je bila i ošla. Bio je i Guru, i on je
ošo (fizički, na svim drugim razinama za sada njegova impresija teško jenjava).
Bila je i Gordanica, i ona je ošla. Pr’nila je u potić (ilitiga prdnula u lončić = poludjela).
Odljepila. Otplutala.

Tražeći
potvrdu da sam dobro objasnila izraz, na google-u sam pronašla da se ‘prnila u
potić’ povezuje direktno s pojmom ‘poetski realizam’. A to ovaj blog upravo i
jest.

Ispričavam
se što nisam dosad uspjela složiti ništa naočigled smisleno. Evo, upravo sada
pali se realizam, a poetski stavlja na policu.

Kod
mene uvijek neka drama.

DRAME

Drama
broj jedan se sastojala u tome da nekako ostvarim tu svoju želju da stanem pred
Gurua sa sestrama. Bar nekim sestrama. Doći Guruu sa SVIM sestrama je ipak malo
veći izazov. Tako sam planirala, šegu izmišljala, dramila, sumnjala, da bi na
kraju sve ispalo da ne može bolje. Rekla sam mu kao da se hvalim nečim najvrjednijim
na ovom svijetu: Guruji, ovo su moje sestre! On se oduševio onoliko koliko sam
ja bila uzbuđena. Zamolila sam ga da ih blagoslovi, pa su dobile ružicom po
čelu obje. I ja onako pored njih, baš kao da sam tog trena otkrila skriveno
blago Atlantide. Ne znam kako je tebi, ali imati sestre je najveći zakon svih
vremena.

Drama
dva je bila ostajanje bez nekoliko dragih ljudi, panika da ostajem ponovno sama
u šumi. Što je potpuna neistina, jer u ashramu, kao nekada uz York cigarete,
nikada nisi sam. Nikada. Doduše, na kraju svega si ipak sam sa sobom. Nitko te
neće spasiti od vlastitog uma, koji ima moć, poput zmije iz Malog Princa, da te
odvede u tren oka gdje nisi nikad sanjao da se može otići. Preživjela sam i te
odlaske, sklonivši se kod svoje prije u obližnjem gradiću. U moje malo offenburško
utočište.

Drama
tri je bila – raditi ili ne raditi I što raditi. Nije li to jedna od onih mojih
apsolutno vječnih dilema? Ne da mi se radit’ to što radim, hoću više para i
moji kapaciteti su veći od mog posla. No, no, no, rekla bih da stvari ipak nisu
baš takve. Malo su mi neke lampice rasvijetlile, uz pomoć voljenog i cijenjenog
Theta Iscjeljivanja.

I
drama četiri je fizičko manifestirano dugogodišnje zanemarivanje nekih
kroničnih ozljeda i posljedica naglog rasta i ovog velikog tijela koje se po
visini može smjestiti u životni prostor  žirafe. Malo klimavi zglobovi i zgrčeni mišići
u leđima, niš’ strašno.

EUREKA
TIME

Guru
upoznaje sestre: Sve što poželim se ostvari, jer je tu naravno milost učitelja,
a i zato što sam toliko uporna, tvrdoglava i nepokolebljiva, a pritom ipak
suptilna, mirna i strpljiva. O, da. Pale su dvije sestre, još dvije i gotovo,
bar u ovom životu.

Biti
sama je teško? Kad se saberem sama sa sobom, toliko mogu uživati u vlastitom
društvu, da mi nitko više ne treba da me podsjeti koliko sam divna i krasna,
iako to ljudi uistinu sve češće rade. Sve više sam baš sretna i kad nisam
okružena hrpom dragih, slatkih, pametnih i jako kul ljudi.

Poso
je poso, ali i više od samo posla. Lijena sam za neke stvari raditi, jer su
repetitivne i nezahtjevne intelektualno, ali sam shvatila: svatko može raditi
sve poslove (dobro ne baš sve, ali uistinu jednu veliku većinu, barem onoga što
se radi u poslu u kojem sam ja trenutno). Ono što čini posao dobro obavljenim je
koliko je poticajno i koliko pomaže drugima samo to što isključivo ta osoba
obavlja taj nekad smiješni posao.

Dugovi,
dugovi… Sve se vraća, sve se plaća. Kad-tad dođe na naplatu što zanemaruješ
predugo. Rekao mi je osteopat da mi je prag boli neviđen, i da ako slijedeći
put kad me vidi kažem da me još boli, znači da će se ozbiljno zabrinuti. Sretna
sam što je nakon guranja problema u pozadinu, napokon sve isplivalo, sad se
mogu oko toga baktati i ne imati više onog malog vraga u pozadini glave koji
stalno grebucka po umu i govori kako nisam baš potpuno zdrava.

i
EGO TRIP

Ego
nam govori da smo različiti od drugih, da se ne bi tata ujutro zabunio i dao
djetetu da pije iz njegove sise. Nije li tako? Ego nam nalaže uloge koje živimo
u svakodnevnog životu da ne bi bio smiješnih zabuna. Osim osjećaja odvojenosti,
ništa egu ne fali kao takvom. Što nije prekrasno kada možeš razaznati svoje
jedinstvene kvalitete koje nitko drugi nema?

ZADAĆA

Napisati
hvalospjev sebi samima.

Zašto
sam ja najbolja u tome što radim?

Što
mene čini apsolutno neodoljivim?

Ako treba pomoć, tu sam. Znam pisati lijepo i o
drugima, ne samo o sebi. Samo to malo skrivam, sramim se. No, bit će i toga.
Možeš i naručiti jedan hvalospjev, ja ću ti ga rado napisati, a možda s
vremenom i uglazbiti. Bit ćete svi slavni što ste me poznavali!

 ______________________________________________________________________

SEE IF I CARE

The best expression of all times. Why would
you care about anything anytime? When you find yourself in the time-space state
of feeling, breathing and seeing life through ‘see if I care’ – you’re there!
Or it’s more like not really being anywhere, and least being in the state of
worry.

When I am in the ‘see if I care’ state, I know
the deal is done and I can actually rest.

The New Year came and went, sister came and
went, so did love. Guru also was, and went (physically left, for the impression
he leaves on all levels of being does not fade easily). Gordana came and went
as well. She lost it. Flew off. Floated away.

I was searching for an expression in Croatian
that describes someone being a loony, and it suggested a similar search of
‘poetic realism’. This is exactly what this blog is.

My apologies for not being able to put together
anything sane so far. I will switch to realism
and put poetic on the shelf for
now.

With me there is always some
drama.

DRAMAS

Drama number one consisted in fulfilling
the desire of standing in front of my Guru with my sisters. At least some of
them. To come to the Guru with ALL the sisters is a bit of a bigger challenge.
So I planned, searched for solutions, doubted – in the end it all turned out
perfect. I was telling him, as if I am showing him the thing I am proudest of:
Guruji, these are my sisters! He was as thrilled as I was excited. I asked him
to bless them, so they got touched with a rose, each. I was just standing there
next to them, as if I had just discovered the most hidden treasure of Atlantis.
I do not know how it is for you, but to have sisters is like the coolest thing
ever.

Second drama was to have a few
dear people leave, and panicking that I will again be alone in the forest.
Which is completely untrue, as you are never alone in the ashram. Nevah! In the
end, we are all alone, once with ourselves. No one can save you from your own
mind, that has the power like the snake in the story of the Little Prince, to
take you in a split second to the farthest corners of the universe. I survived
the departures by hiding at my friend’s place in a near by town. To my little
Offenburg resort.

Drama numero tre was – to work
or not to work, and what to work. Is that not another one of my eternal
dilemmas? I do not feel like doing what I do, I want more money and my
capacities are greater than my job. But, but, but, I would say that this is not
necessarily the state of affairs. Some lamps lit up there and more clarity came
in thanks to the much loved and respected ThetaHealing.

Drama number four is manifested
long-term physical neglect of some chronic injuries and also the consequence of
growing too fast into a big body that can easily settle down in a
giraffe-convenient environment. Wobbly ankles and cramped back muscles, nothing
more.

EUREKA TIME

Guru meets sisters: Everything I
wish for comes true, due to the master’s grace, but also for being so stubborn,
persistent and unshakeable, and yet subtle, still and patient. Oh yes. Two
sisters have fallen, two more and I am done, at least for this life.

Alone is hard? When I get myself
together, I can enjoy in my own company so much that I do not need anyone
reminding me how wonderful and lovely I am, even though people do that more
often than not. More and more I am just happy even when not surrounded with a
bunch of dear, cute, smart and just really cool people.

A job is a job is a job, but
also a bit more than that. I am lazy for doing particular things, as they are
repetitive and intellectually undemanding, but the understanding dawned on me.
Everyone can do all sorts of jobs (okay, okay, not really everything, but a
great deal, at least the things I do at my current job), but what really makes
the job a well done job is how much the work done inspires and helps others, by
just being that person that does these sometimes silly things.

Debts, debts… All that goes
around, comes around. Sooner or later what you ignore for too long comes back.
My osteopath had told me how my pain threshold is absolutely unbelievable, and
that if I tell me I am in pain next time we meet, he will be seriously worried.
I am just relieved that after having pushed the problem into the background for
such a long time, now I can actually tend to it and loose that little devil
that kept scraping my mind saying how I am not in good health.

EGO TRIP

Ego tells us we are different
from others, so that the dad would not wake up in the morning and accidentally
feed the baby his own teat. Is it not like that? Ego gives us the roles we play
in everyday life, so we do not get any of these silly confusions. Except the
feeling of separateness, ego is really not so bad. Is it not beautiful when you
can recognise your own unique qualities that no other has?

HOMEWORK

Write an appraisal to ourselves.

Why am I best at that particular
thing I do?

What is it that makes me
absolutely adorable?

If you need some help, I am
here. I can also write nicely about others, not only myself. I just hide it a
little, I feel ashamed. But that will also come. You could also request for an
appraisal from me, I would then gladly write one for you. I might even make it
into a song one day. You shall all be famous for having known me!