Ne samo
uzbuđena. Ne samo iznenađena. Ne samo nestrpljiva. Ne samo. Već potpuno van
sebe. Potpuno zabezeknuta. Neutažive znatiželje da vidim što me čeka iza
slijedećeg ugla, dok se skrivenim okom (iza lijevog uha) navirujem na ono što
je prethodilo.

Imam osjećaj
da sam se upravo, iz zakukuljenog svijeta, s nelagodom, probudila, probila opnu
i počela brisati sluz s predugo zatvorenih očiju. Bilo je nelagodno i bila sam
uplašena. Iako sam cijelo vrijeme znala da je izlazak neophodno slijedeći korak
u ovom životu, te unatoč unutarnjem osjećaju koji mi je stalno govorio: vrijeme
je da se probiju krila; tren predugo sam ostala u kukuljici koju sam sama
isprela.

:rasteže se:

:naviruje
preko ruba:

:kreće u smjerovima:

Kako se zaštita
probila…uslijedilo je širenje.

Osjećam se
poput kakve druge osobe tj. osjećam se kao da sam oduvijek bila ta koja sam
sada, samo sam se potiskivala, skrivala od drugih, od sebe najviše. Neke umjetne
vezanosti su crkle.

Jedna vrsta
vezivanja: svaka samo-ugoda iz života prije meditiranja je stopljena sa
sranjima iz tog načina života. Ako sam gledala te i te filmove dok sam pušila
travu, sada ti filmovi imaju negativnu konotaciju, vežu se uz «loše» ponašanje.
I ta veza je napokon pukla. Phew.

Druga vrsta
vezivanja: Jednom (oh, kamo sreće da je to bio samo taj jedan put), sam se bila
jaaako zaljubila, a ta osoba bi mi uvijek nekako izmigoljila. Osjećala sam da
me voli i da želi biti sa mnom unatoč repetitivnom odbijanju. Požalila sam se
prijatelju.

Pitao me – Što
to ona ima da je ne možeš pustiti, bez obzira što se nije prema tebi lijepo
ponijela? Nevino sam rekla – Ima potencijala da bude sjajna.

– Ima
potencijala. I to je sve. Ne znači da će ga zaživjeti – zaključio je.

I tako svatko od nas ima neviđen potencijal. Da što?

Ako se ne razvije, tko će ga znati, tko će ga vidjeti,
tko će ga osjetiti? U meni čuči veliko otkriće koje će promijeniti svijet, a ja
ga ne zalijevam. Koga briga što nešto negdje čuči, ako se ne čuje, ako se ne
vidi, ako ti ne donosi razumijevanje, sreću tebi i drugima u svakodnevnom
životu?

I ta poveznica je u meni otpala.
Gordana, imaš potencijala? Koga briga.

Otkrila sam i da za bilo kakav korak naprijed, treba
malkice zaboljeti. Možda samo koju sekundu, dok ne otpustiš sve zavezanosti za
vlastitu ugodu. I pritom ne govorim o jutarnjoj meditaciji koju nekad treba
preskočiti, samo da bi se sjetio koliko ti paše ili cigareti koju pušiš iz puke
ovisnosti, gdje je svaka ugoda odavno isparila. Ne, ne govorim o površnim
ugodnostima.

Govorim o tome kada se osjećaš ugodno živeći u vlastitom
govnu, jer si se naviknula na smrad. Govorim o tome da kada uporno re-kreiraš
jedno te iste, samo naizgled nelagodne situacije s ljudima, samo zato što ti je
lakše proživjeti još jednom neugodu koja se konstantno ponavlja, nego ne daj
bože, doživjeti kakvu novu vrstu nelagode. Govno koje smrdi isto kao i prije
nije toliko neugodno koliko osjetiti u nosnicama novi smrad na koji smo
nenaviknuti.

Dobra mi je danas atmosferičnost, možeš li je namirisati?

Što još da ti ispričam? Priču svog života? Laži i
neistine u koje se svakodnevno uvjeravam, ne bi li se nakratko osjećala bolje?

Što je to što želiš čuti?

Da ti pričam o božanskom postojanju, o prosvjetljenju, o
logici, u uvjerenjima koje nosimo? Želiš li se nakratko zavaravati kako bi se
osjećao bolje?

Dođi na tečaj disanja, napravi ThetaHealing tretman,
odradi yogu, sjedni pred gurua ili štogod radi za tebe. Ništa ti neće pomoći.
Dok ne poželiš, uistinu poželiš, usprkos svakoj prividnoj poteškoći, biti
bolje.  

 

Najslađe od svega u ovom što pokušavam prenijeti, a nadam
se da mi bar donekle uspijeva biti jasnom, jest to što je svaki pokušaj
promjene naizgled uzaludan dok god nešto ne pukne, i promjena uslijedi.

Mislimo si da je promjena došla sama od sebe, jer što sam
ja radila cijelo vrijeme? Samo lamentirala nad nemogućnošću promjene. NO. Dok
sam lamentirala, osvještavajući i razotkrivajući malo po malo svaki pedalj
samonametnute učmalosti, zapravo sam provodila vrijeme nad tim. Svaki taj
trenutak koprcanja je na kraju ipak doveo do te promjene koja je uslijedila. Ili
me tako tješe, da ne zapadnem u depresiju.

Vezanost koja se još nije otpustila, a lamentiram nad
njom već predugo: Nisam još i ne znam hoću li u tako skoroj budućnosti uistinu,
stvarno, u potpunosti, cjelovito, duboko, sa svakog aspekta moći otpustiti jednu
daleku i skoro već beznačajnu ljubavnu bol. Mlada sam se opekla, i čini mi se
da sam tu opekotinu uvlačila u svaki slijedeći odnos. Namjerno birajući
neuspješne odnose, ili skoro uspješne koje sam još uspješnije sabotirala. Lakše
je ne sasvim potonuti, ostati bez zraka samo na kratko, nego utopiti se,
napustiti sve i ponovno se roditi (figurativno govoreći). I onda se stalno
pomalo gušiš, a nikada ne dopustiš da te voda prekrije, te ne daješ priliku novom
rođenju da se napokon desi.

Sad sam u fazi da vidim da se treba prepustiti vodi suza
da preplavi, da utopi svu tugu, da napokon umre i bol nestane zauvijek. Da,
bila sam slijepa, da, sada vidim, no je li to dovoljno? Još samo malo i tu sam.
Evo me, samo što nisam.

Imam novi zadatak pred sobom, ali ni to neće pomoći, jer
sreću ne čini otpuštanje, jer sreću ne čini post, jer sreću ne čini meditacija,
jer sreću ne čini ljubav, jer sreću ne čini dodir, jer sreću ne čini glazba,
jer sreću ne čini pomaganje drugim, jer sreću ne čini yoga, ni vježbe ni
jedinstvo, jer sreću ne čini sjećanje na dobra stara vremena ni slatka čežnja
za dragim ljudima.

O, ne.

Sve ovo gore potpomaže umu da se utješi kako čini sve za
svoju sreću. Ugodan privid.

Sreću čini samo postojanje, bez etiketiranja pridjevima.
Samo to tko si u ovom trenu je više nego dovoljno za sreću.

Zastajem ovdje, ti nastavi pričati moju priču, svoju
priču, sve jedno je, jer ionako ništa ne postoji.

Ja sam uistinu optimist,
vjeruj mi.

https://youtu.be/rBXbYLcHEzk

 

 ______________________________________________________________________

Not only
excited. Not only surprised. Not only impatient. Not only. But utterly out of
it. Completely befuzzled. With an insatiable thirst of curiosity to see what is
waiting for me behind the corner, whilst peeking from an eye (hidden behind my
left ear) into what was before.

I have a
feeling to just have unpleasantly woken out of a cocooned world, breaking its
shell and beginning to wipe the slime off these eyes that have been shut for
too long. It was uncomfortable and I was scared. Even though I was aware the
entire time that moving out is the only next possible step in this life. In
spite of having had a gut feeling telling me it was time for the wings to find
their way out, I stayed for a moment too long in my self-made cocoon.

:stretching:

:peeking
over the edge:

:moving
in directions:

As the
protection was broken…expansion happened.

I feel
like a different person. Or more accurately, I feel as if I was the same this
entire time, but was making an effort to supress myself, hiding from others and
myself, in particular. Some of the artificial connections dropped dead.

One kind
of attachment: every pleasant sensation I experienced prior to starting
meditation was melted together with the crap coming from that way of life. If I
was watching these films, while smoking weed, now the same films have a
negative influence on me, are connected to “bad” behaviour. That connection
finally dropped as well. Phew.

Another
kind of attachment: Once I fell in love really badly (oh, how I wish it was
just that one time), and the person would somehow slip away from me. I felt loved
by her, and as if she wanted to be with me in spite of repetitive rejections. I
complained about this to a friend.

He asked
– What is it she has that makes it hard to let her go? Even though she was not
behaving nicely? I replied – She has the potential to become brilliant.

– She has
potential. That is all. That does not mean she will live up to it, he
concluded.

So, each
one of us has that un-manifest potential. To what?

If not developed, who will know, who will see, who
will feel it? In me lies a great discovery that will help change the world, but
I am not watering it. Who cares if it lies in there, untouched, if not seen, if
not shown, if not bringing understanding, joy, to you and others, into our
daily lives?

That connection withered away in me. Gordana, you have
potential? Who cares.

Having discovered that for any kind of step forward, a
little tiny bit of pain is necessary. Even if it is just for a few moments,
until you let go of all attachments you are holding on to, regarding your own
pleasure. I am not talking about your morning meditation, that you should skip
once in a while, just to be reminded of how good it feels to do it. Or the
cigarette you are having out of pure addiction, where all pleasure have long
gone. No, I am not talking about superficial pleasures.

What I am saying is when you find it comfortable
living in your own crap, just because you are used to the smell. I am talking
about you incessantly recreating the same old, seemingly unpleasant situations
with people, just because it is easier for you to go through the unpleasantness
that is familiar to you, instead of, God forbid, going through a new kind of
discomfort. The crap that smells the same as it used to, is far more acceptable
than a new kind of stench.

I like the atmosphere of today’s post, can you smell
it?

What would you like me to tell you? The story of my life?
The lies and untruths I keep convincing myself are true, just for a short-term
feel-good sensation? What is it you wish to hear?

Should I tell you about the existence of the divine,
about enlightenment, logics, the beliefs we carry? Would you like to take a few
moments to deceive yourself in order to feel a little more comfortable?

Come do the breathing course, have a ThetaHealing
session, sit in front of the guru or whatever seems to be working for you.
Nothing will help. Until and unless you wish, truly wish, in spite of all
seemingly difficult obstacles, to be better.

 

The cutest thing in what I am attempting to transfer
to you today, hoping it is actually coming through in clarity, is that every
attempt to change something seems quite in vain, until there is a breaking down,
after which the change just happens.

We think to ourselves how it came on its own, because
I was not doing much in the meanwhile, except lamenting over the impossibility
of change. BUT. As I kept lamenting, becoming more aware, exposing step by step
the self-inflicted passivity, I actually invested my time over it. Every single
moment of the kicking and screaming over the inability of change, has in the
end brought me to the occurring change. Or at least I am being made understood
that this is how it is, so I would not get depressed.

An attachment that has not been let go of, and I have
been reeling in it for far too long: I have not and I am not sure I will in the
near future really, fully, completely, wholesomely, deeply, from every aspect,
be able to let go of a now already small, far off and currently
not-so-important lovers-inflicted wound. I got burned young, and it seems to me
I have been dragging this burn into each relationship that followed.
Purposefully choosing unsuccessful relationships, or by sabotaging the
almost-successful ones. It is far easier not to drown in one go, to be out of
air for a few moments, rather than letting yourself fully drown, letting go of
everything, and being reborn again (figuratively speaking). You keep drowning a
little at the time, not allowing the water to swallow you whole and the rebirth
to finally occur.

I seem to be in a phase of understanding it is time to
allow the tearful water to overcome me, to drain the sorrow, and finally die,
so the pain can go away forever. Yes, I was blind, yes, now I see, but is that
enough? A little bit more and I am there. Here I am, just almost.

I have a new task ahead, but that also will not help,
because happiness is not in letting go, because happiness is not in fasting,
happiness is not in meditating, happiness is not in love, happiness is not in
touching, happiness is not in music, happiness is not in helping others,
happiness is not in yoga, nor exercise nor unity, happiness is not in
remembering the good old times nor the sweet longing for people dear to heart.

Oh, no.

All of the above helps the mind to be consoled that it
does all for happiness. A pleasant illusion.

Happiness is about existence itself, with no
adjectives used as labels. Only that who you are in this moment is more than
enough to be happy.

I am stopping here, so you may continue to tell the
rest of my story, it is all one, because nothing exists anyway.

I am truly an optimist, trust me on that one.

https://youtu.be/rBXbYLcHEzk