“Nijedan problem ne može biti riješen s
iste razine svijesti koja ga je stvorila.”

– Einstein

Pričala
sam s Gurujijem o tome što želim i što bih trebala, predložio mi je nešto što
nisam očekivala, i dao mi odriješene ruke.

Ono
što bih željela podijeliti, je nešto na što me majka potaknula da pišem. Rekla
mi je da moram napraviti ono što JA želim. Stvar je u tome da Guru nekad vidi
dublje i bolje od tebe, u to što tvoje srce uistinu želi. Uopće da bi došlo do
toga da Gurua nešto pitam, znači da nisam sigurna oko nečega, ili se ne mogu
sasvim odlučiti za ono što mi se čini kao najbolje rješenje. Meni se čini da
postoji jedno moguće rješenje, jer ne vidim širokokutno, ne uviđam da postoji
još raspleta. Vidim to jedno jedino rješenje, a negdje unutra osjećam da to
nije sasvim to. Da osjećam da je to to u potpunosti, ne bih pitala, samo bih krenula
tim putem.

Tkogod
(uključujući mene) misli da zna što stoji iza Guruovih riječi, kakva namjera –
je vrlo vjerovatno u krivu. Poanta je u tome, ne da se analizira (u čemu sam ja
vrhunski majstor) što je pjesnik htio reći, nego imati povjerenja, da ono što
je najbolje za tebe izlazi u obliku tvog razumijevanja njegovih riječi. Ne znam
ni sama koliko sam ga puta pitala jedno te isto pitanje, odgovor je bio isti. No,
svaki puta je taj identični odgovor u meni proizveo drugačiju lavinu osjećaja,
razumijevanja, prihvaćanja i slično, dok nisam n-ti put pitala isto, a odgovor
je bio sasvim drugačiji. Zašto? Jer su se stvari promijenile, i bila sam
spremna moći učiniti nešto s tim drugačijim odgovorom. Ranije od sada je bilo
prerano, ništa mi ne bi bilo jasno i još više bih se uplela u neku nepostojeću
komplikaciju vlastitog uma.

Vratila
sam se kući, ako i samo nakratko, vratila sam se kući. Ne među ljude, ne u
lijepu dvoranu, ne k Guruu, već k sebi. Došla sam ponovno na ono mjesto gdje
vlada mir, ljubav, zahvalnost, samopouzdanje, prihvaćanje. Na mjesto gdje me
samo Guru može povesti, i radi to iznova i iznova. I sretna sam što imam svoju
zvijezdu vodilju i ne bih voljela da je nemam i ne bih željela da imam osjećaj
da se u svemu moram sama snalaziti. Nije fora u tome da je meni Guru rekao što
da radim, ne, niti najmanje. Fora je u tome da me Guru pogurao u pravom smjeru,
kojeg sam ionako sama već izabrala, samo nisam bila sigurna na koji način i da
li da krenem njime.

Sada
sam mirna. Kada ti je um usmjeren samo na jedno, nema sumnji, nema propitivanja,
nema žaljenja, onda se sve kreće samo u jednom smjeru bez zastajkivanja. Kada
um krene s petsto mogućih usmjerenja, onda svaka prepreka ometa kretanje na tom
putu. I pitaš se: nisam li trebala krenuti drugim putem? Pa se malo vratiš,
malo sumnjaš, malo stojiš, gledaš unazad, bojiš se onoga što je ispred. Kada
znaš da je smjer u kojem ideš ispravan za tebe, nema straha, nema žaljenja,
prepreke su avanture – samo kontaš kako da ih riješiš, ali ne odustaješ, jer
znaš da ideš pravom cestom. Možda ćeš se nekada morati vratiti malo unazad, ali
samo kako bi pronašla prohodniji put naprijed, znaš kamo ideš.

Jako
je to zanimljivo, svaka interakcija s Guruom je toliko puna značenja,
istovremeno emocionalno intenzivna koliko i otpuštajuća.

Nedavno
smo se susreli nekoliko puta.

Prvi
puta sam inzistirala na razgovoru s njim, nisam htjela da me drugi čuju, pa smo
hodajući razgovarali, te sam dobila odgovore na goruća pitanja. Nije to bila
sesija pitanja i odgovora. Ono što se uistinu dogodilo, ono u pozadini, je da
mi je za početak bilo mnogo jasnije što je to što želim. Ranije sam samo znala
što ne želim, ali nisam znala što je
to što želim. Sada kad sam znala što
želim, nisam znala kako je ostvariti. Shvatila sam da sam uz unutarnju promjenu,
s jasnoćom o tome što želim, mogla doživjeti promjenu i na vani. Shvatila sam
da: ne znam tražiti ono što želim. Bojim se. Bojim se biti
odbijena, neshvaćena. Jako sam tvrdoglava oko svojih želja, pa se dodatno bojim
da ću beskompromisno tražiti ono što mislim da mi treba, bez da čujem drugu
osobu što ima za reći. Lakše je ništa ne reći, nego se žaliti da nije dobro.

Kada
sam se ohrabrila, rekla sam da se ne osjećam dobro i s nečim drugim, tada mi je
naprasito rekao: onda to promijeni! Prvo sam bila sretna, i osjećala olakšanje.
No, vrlo brzo sam uvidjela, kada mi je bilo rečeno da je želja ispunjiva i kada
sam se po prvi puta uistinu stavila u tu situaciju da je ostvarena, da je
zapravo ispunjenje moje želje u realnosti poprilično nespretno rješenje. Kako
je to smiješno. Kao da pola života želiš živjeti u kući na stablu, i toliko
jako to želiš. Kada napokon nađeš nekoga da osmisli gradnju, imaš novaca za
ostvarenje, shvatiš da je ustvari vrlo nepraktično rješenje. Što zbog psa koji
se ne može penjati ljestvama, što zbog djece, koja kada dođu, neće imati
dovoljno prostora, jer je kuća na stablu ograničena površinom itd. itd. itd.

Slijedeći
puta kada smo se sreli, bila sam se sva pojela iznutra što sam se na neko
vrijeme bila udaljila od njega, i kako sam se puno uplela u to što bih ja
trebala i kako bih trebala, a sa strane ostavila pravi smisao života: da budem
tu za druge, da činim lijepe stvari, ostavljam lijepe impresije ljudima,
dijelim znanje, ljubav, podršku. Kada je tada prošao pored mene, bila sam baš
sva jadna iznutra, okrivljavala sam se što sam se cijelo to neko razdoblje
odmaknula od svog vlastitog unutarnjeg poziva koji me najviše ispunjava i
tješi. Prošao je dalje, meni je srce potonulo još dublje. Zatim se nekako naglo
okrenuo, pogledao me pogledom strijele i umalo zaviknuo: Jesi li sretna? Tko
može na takvo pitanje i taj pogled ostati ravnodušan? Osjetila sam odjednom da
me napušta krivnja, da mi je oprošteno. Pomislila sam, nema razloga da ne budem
sretna i potpuno ispunjena i zadovoljna upravo sada, bez obzira na to što sam
osjećala ili radila u prošlosti. Prošlost je prošla.

Treći
puta kada smo imali bliski susret, bio je Holi (indijski festival boja), svi su
ga dirali, mazali bojama po licu, navlačili mu odjeću. Bio je beskrajno
strpljiv dok je prolazio između redova i redova poludjelih devotija, koji nisu
mogli dočekati da ga dotaknu, da ga svojom rukom obojaju. Taj dan sam suprotno
cijeloj slavljeničkoj atmosferi bila više u sebi. Jedva da sam progovorila i
riječ i sa kim taj cijeli dan, puno sam meditirala, i osjećala sam se jako staloženo,
unatoč ludilu, bojama, buci od glazbe i vikanja.

Kada
je prošao pored mene nisam ga htjela obojati, gnjaviti, ali sam u tom trenutku
pomislila: sada kada ga svi ionako dodiruju, prilika je da mu dodirnem stopala,
što inače nikada nisam napravila. Ostala sam sagnuta, poklonila sam se s
ljubavlju i zahvalnošću pred stopala svog Gurua, i u skladu s indijskom
tradicijom, dodirnula mu stopala, zatim rukom dodirnula sredinu prsa, u znak da
u svoje srce primam njegove blagoslove. Uslijed sve siline ljudi koji su stajali
i opasno ga gnječili, okrenuo se nakon što je već prošao pored mene (i ovaj
put!) i gledao me s osmijehom, činilo mi se zauvijek.

Vrativši
se u Europu, kao certificirani učitelj yoga programa, s novim idejama i
smjerovima za daljnji život, puna srca i prazne glave – jednostavno sam mirna.
Sve se odvija oko mene, a ja ostajem netaknuta. Niranjana – netaknuta. Što
želim izrazim odmah, što ne želim – isto tako. Sa svih strana se otvaraju
prilike, situacije se odvijaju same od sebe, a ja ih samo gledam i veselim se svemu
što dolazi.

Nakon
vruće Indije, došla sam u većinom mračnu, hladnu i mokru južnu Njemačku. Išla
sam u šetnju, unatoč kiši koja je sipila, jer ne želim izgubiti naviku da šećem
svaki dan barem pola sata. Nisam htjela izaći u mokri mrak, ali jesam. Kapa,
kapuljača, topla odjeća i put pod noge. Napunila sam bocu vode s izvora, i
prošetala krug šumom. Svako malo bih zastala, jer sam išla sama, i često
prebrzo hodala, pa bih se brzo i umorila. Kada bih tako stala, čula bih
potočiće kako žubore, stabla kako nečujno mrmljaju svoje postojanje. Priroda je
prelijepa, bilo sunce koje viče svoje žute zrake i pecka kožu, bilo kiša što u
slojevima natapa odjeću, bilo blatni put iz kojeg s težinom izvlačiš noge uz
zvukove gnjecavosti, šuškanje lišća od vjetra ili trčkarajućeg jelena…

Ljepota
je u očima promatrača. U promatraču se reflektira savršenstvo postojanja.

Hvala
ti šumo, hvala ti sunce, hvala ti učitelju, hvala ti ljubavi postojanja, hvala
ti prijatelju.

 _____________________________________________________________________

“No problem can be solved from the same
level of consciousness that created it.”

– Einstein

I
spoke to Guruji about what I want and I what I should be doing, he suggested
something I had not expected.

What I would like to share is something that my mom inspired
me to write about. She had told me I should do whatever I wished to do. Thing is
that Guru sees deeper and better than you into what your heart really wants. Just
to ask the Guru something, means I am not secure about something, or cannot
quite decide what would be the best solution. I see only one solution, because
I fail in grasping the bigger picture, I cannot see the multi-fold options in
front of me. I can see one solution, but inside I keep feeling that it is not
the right one. If I did feel it was the right one, I would not be asking, I
would just go for it.

Whoever
(including me) thinks they know what lies behind the words of the Guru, what
his intentions are – is most probably – wrong. The point is not to analyse (what
I am a master in) what was aimed to be said, but to trust that what is best for
you comes out in the form of your understanding of what he had said. I asked
him the same question who knows how many times and the answer was repeatedly
the same. But every time, this identical answer, would produce in me a
different storm of emotions, fresh understandings, acceptance and so on. Until
I asked the same question again, and the answer was completely different. Why?
Because I was in the situation where things changed and was ready to do
something with a different reply. If I had heard the same earlier, I would not
be able to understand what to do and would get even more caught up in a non-existent
complication of my own mind.

I have come home, even if it is only for a short while, I
have come back home. Not amongst people, not to a beautiful hall, not to the
Guru, but to myself. I have arrived again to that place where there is peace,
love, gratitude, confidence, acceptance. To that place one can only be led to by
a Guru, and he does it, again and again. I am so happy to have my guiding star,
and I would be sad if I had him not. I would not like to have the feeling to
have to do everything on my own. It is not about how my Guru told me to do this
or that, not at all. It is about how he has shown me there is more than one
solution to what I see as a problem. He nudges me in the right direction, the
one I had anyway chosen, but had not the certainty to continue down that path.

I
am serene. When your mind is focused only on one, there are no doubts, no
questioning, no regrets – then everything goes into one direction only, without
stopping. When your mind starts to cling to five hundred different options,
then every obstacle seems unsurmountable. You immediately wonder; should I have
not taken that other path? Then you retrieve, doubt a little, stand there for a
while, look back, frightened of what is in front of you. When you know the
general direction that is right for you, fears and regrets disappear, obstacles
become adventures – you just need to plan a little how to overcome them, but
you do not give up, because you know the road is right. You might need to go
back a little from time to time, to find an easier way forward.

It is so interesting, how each and every interaction with
the Guru is full of meaning, and at the same time emotionally intense and yet
relieving.

We
had met a few times now in India.

The
first time we met I insisted on talking to him, and had not wanted for others
to hear me, so we walked and talked, and I got my answers. It was not a
question-answer session. What happened was many-layered event. I was anyway
more clear in my mind as in what I wished to ask. Earlier I knew I wanted
something to change, but could not grasp what that change would comprise of.
Now I knew, but did not know how to make the change happen. Inner understanding
and more clarity on what I wanted, made me ready for the outer change. What
struck me then was that I knew not how to ask for what I wanted. I am scared.
Afraid of being rejected, misunderstood. At the same time, I am very stubborn
with what I want, so an additional fear that I would uncompromisingly demand
without hearing out the other person was also an obstacle. To say nothing
instead of complaining was far easier to do.

Then
I expressed my unease with another thing, and somehow quite roughly he said:
then change it! At first his answer made me happy, I felt a big relief. Then
fairly quickly, I really placed myself in the situation as if it were true
already, and figured out that it is quite inconvenient. How silly is that! As
if you wished to live in a tree house for an eternity, then you finally got the
means and solution as in how to do it, and that made you realise how
impractical it would be. The dog could not come up the steep ladder, the kids,
whenever they arrived, would have less space, as a tree-house would have horizontal
limitations.

Next
time we met, I felt horrible for having moved away from him, and for getting too
much into what I need to do and how I need to do it, leaving aside true life
goals; to be there for others, to do nice things, to leave beautiful
impressions for people, to share knowledge, love and support. When he just
passed me by, I felt all funny inside, blaming myself for having moved away
from my inner calling that kept me so fulfilled and consoled. He moved along,
and then suddenly turned, giving me a piercing gaze and almost yelling out: Are
you happy? Who can stay unmoved by such a question and that look of his? I
suddenly felt guilt was melting away, I felt I was forgiven. There was no
reason not to just be happy, fulfilled and content just there and then, no
matter what has happened in the past. The past has passed.

The
third time we had a close encounter, it was Holi (Indian festival of colours),
everyone wanted to put colour on him, touch his face, pull on his clothes. He
was infinitely patient while walking between rows and columns of crazed
devotees, who could not wait to colour him. In that atmosphere, I felt as if I
were somewhere else. I spent the entire day somehow “inside”, contrary to the
celebratory vibe outside. I had barely spoken to anyone, meditated for a long
time and felt very together, in spite of the craziness, colours and noise of
music and yelling.

When he was about to pass me by, I did not wish to colour
him, to bother him, but I did have a thought: when everyone is touching him, it
is a chance for me to touch his feet, what I have wanted to, but never did
before. Everyone stood up, and I bowed down to the feet of my Guru, as is the
Indian tradition, touched his feet, then touched the middle of my chest as a
sign of accepting his blessings into my heart with love and gratitude. Amidst
the crowd, he had already (again!) passed me by, then turned completely, gave
me a long look, seemingly forever.

Coming
back to Europe as a certified Yoga teacher, with new ideas and directions on
where to head to, with a full heart and empty head, everything keeps happening
around me, I stay untouched. Niranjana – untouched. What I wish to express, I
do – immediately, what I do not want – I also express. On every side a sea of possibility
is opening up, situations come on their own, and I am just observing them while
looking forward to whatever  there.

After
the Indian heat, I arrived to a murky, cool and damp south Germany. I went for
a walk, in spite of the rain – wishing not to loose the habit of walking for at
least half an hour daily. It did not seem appealing to walk out into the wet
darkness, but I did. I had a hat, a hood, was warmly dressed and went off. I
filled a bottle of water at the source, and made a small round in the forest
around the ashram. Every now and again I would stop to rest. I was walking
alone, so I have a tendency of walking too fast and get tired easily. When
stopping, I would listen to the water flowing in streams, to the trees silently
murmuring their presence. Nature is magnificent, whether it is the sun slightly
burning the skin with its yellow tentacles, or the rain drenching your clothes,
or the mud path you take your shoes out of with a squishing sound, then the shushing
sounds of leaves or deer roaming about…

Beauty
is in the eyes of the beholder. In the beholder the perfection of existence is
reflected.

Thank
you forest, thank you sun, thank you teacher, thank you love of pure existence,
thank you friend.