ŠTO JE BILO, BILO JE

Kako imati stabilnost u životu? Ja da vam kažem? To je šala. Doduše.. Možda ipak mogu nešto malo podijeliti što sam iskusila.

Činjenica broj 1 – nisam nikada u životu ništa odlučila što se nije moglo od-odlučit u roku od 7 sekundi, najduže.
Činjenica broj 2 – ne vidim sebe u budućnosti sutra, kamoli za 10-20-50 godina (ako Bog da).
Činjenica broj 3 – smatram se vrlo odlučnom i stabilnom osobom, ovako općenito.

Istina o životu broj 1 – život je potpuno iznenađenje svake sekunde.
Istina o životu broj 2 – svatko je svoju budućnost zamišljao drugačije.
Istina o životu broj 3 – Nitko nije UVIJEK stabilan, odlučan i spreman na sve.

Što je to uopće stabilnost? Imati plaću, kuću, afto, 500 djece i dva kredita. Kako je moja trudna sestra nedavno slatko rekla, u nedostatku prostora u stanu: «Stavit ćemo bebu u škafet (ladicu) da spava, šta ima veze!» Da vas razuvjerim od potpunog luđaštva moje cijele obitelji: djetetu je kupljen krevetić. Želim ilustrirati kako nema idealnih uvjeta. Za svakoga su ti uvjeti drugačiji, a isto tako svatko kada nešto želi, živi s onim što ima. Prihvaćao, ne prihvaćao, jel’ tako?

U Yogi je jako zanimljivo npr. kad se nalazimo u nekom položaju koji zahtijeva ravnotežu, a mi je uopće nemamo. Padaš naprijed, nazad, sa strane i misliš si, uopće nemam ravnoteže. Cijela vježba je u tome da radiš vježbu kako bi došao do toga da postigneš ravnotežu, stabilnost. Zato svaki položaj ima po tko zna koliko varijacija. Da bi svatko tko radi yogu mogao naći neku varijaciju koja mu u tom trenutku odgovara. Kada je savlada, kreće na zahtjevniju varijantu.
I svakako tvoje tijelo, um i emocije nisu svaki dan isti, te svaki put kad vježbaš nešto – kapaciteti su ti drugačiji. Možda ćeš jedan dan raditi jednu varijaciju, a drugi dan drugu.

Čitam sjajni tekst o Ayahuasci, koji nije samo knjiga o svetoj biljci, već o mnogočemu o ljudskom načinu života, umu, iscjeljivanju: LINKLINKLINK (knjiga je u folderu od glazbenog albuma). I tako Ivan kaže: Sve na ovom svijetu odvija se u nekom ritmu. Naše buđenje, spavanje, disanje, kucanje srca. Sve se odvija u ciklusima koje često ne prihvaćamo i želimo ubrzati. Današnje doba je instant doba u kojem smo naučeni da stvari dobijemo odmah. Teži se ubrzanju svega, potreban nam je brži prijevoz, brži internet, brži lijekovi, brža hrana.

Na isti način želimo stabilnost u yoga položaju odmah, želimo savršenstvo svake životne situacije odmah, i ako to nije tako bivamo frustrirani, što nas na kraju svega čini nestabilnima. Dok si nervozan, pod stresom, emocionalno iscrpljen, neispavan – možeš li biti stabilan? Pustiti svoju vlastitu ideju kako bi nešto trebalo biti, otvori oči i vidi ono što gledaš, bez da tražiš vidjeti samo ono što želiš. Ako ne vidiš sliku koju si zamislio, pomutnja u umu, srcu, razočaranje, očaj – jel’ ti to potrebno? Jel’ to način života kojeg biraš i s kojim želiš živjeti?
Sav kaos koji se događa u svijetu i u prirodi, služi buđenju, služi tome da se otresu stare navike. Po meni sve promjene u svijetu danas služe kao otvarač za konzerve. Neke konzerve je teško otvoriti, neke se otvaraju lako. Alat pomaže. Koji alat biraš, na tebi je. 

No, uslijed svega ovoga što se odvija oko nas i u nama, gdje je stabilnost? Gdje ti tražiš svoju stabilnost? Gdje je nalaziš? Želiš je više? Pristaješ na ono kako stvari jesu?

Kao ja sad tebi tu nešto pričam. Što ti misliš, kome ja ovo sve govorim? Ovaj cijeli blog je razgovor između dva (ili više?) aspekta jedne osobe, a čitatelji su svjedoci razvoja događaja. Nadam se da negdje svjedok nešto nauči, nešto dobije, nešto implementira u svoj život.

Želim reći da sebe vidim kao nestabilnu, i težim tome da budem što stabilnija. Jutros dok sam prala zube gledajući u mini pješčani sat koji mi broji 3 minute četkanja, nakon što sam isprala nos slanom vodom i istuširala se, pitala sam se postajem li jedna od onih ljudi koji su mi uvijek djelovali opsesivno u svojim higijenskim i životnim navikama? Nakon cijele sesije sređivanja tijela, radim yogu, vježbe disanja, meditaciju, mantram. Treba mi oko 2ipo sata za sve to skupa. Zatim doručak, posao, meditacija, ručak, posao, odmor (najčešće ThetaHealing session), Satsang, gledanje znanje, kratko druženje, čitanje spisa Yoga Vasisthe, spavanje. I dalje mi se čini da u životu premalo vremena posvećujem znanju, meditaciji, yogi. Stalno sam malo nezadovoljna kako to sve skupa funkcionira, i voljela bih da sam posvećenija, da radim više yoge, da radim više ThetaHealing-a, da vodim više tečajeva, da polazim više tečajeva. Neumoran um. Da ima više sati u 24 sata, znala bih gdje ih iskoristiti. I unutar svega toga nekad gubim stabilnost. Iako je ona najčešće na vani tu, iznutra se koprca, nestaje i vraća se kako poželi. 

Radim sve što mogu da vježbam stabilnost, i ona svakako raste u mom životu, i sada kada je vježbam redovito, vrijeme je za napustiti napor u umu. Kada stojiš u yoga položaju stabla, na jednoj nozi, i padaš naprijed-nazad, jedino što možeš napraviti da se uravnotežiš je usmjeriti pogled u jednu točku i – opustiti um, kao da ne nastojiš ništa napraviti. Tj. upreš sve snage koje imaš, i onda pustiš da se odvrti kako ima, bez opiranja. Ne kažem da je lako. Je, kad pustiš. Hehe.

ŠTO JE SAD, SAD JE

Ne znajući da je štrajk lokalnog prijevoza odlazim voditi tjedni program disanja u Strasbourgu. Šetam od stanice vlaka, i vidim da je nešto drugačije, neki znakovi na tramvajskim stanicama su drugačiji, ulice su pune, stanice autobusa preplavljene. Idem ja dalje, gledam u izloge dućana, gledam u ljudske izloge, tiho dajem bodove za usklađivanje boja cipela i torbi. Francuzi su totalno stajliš. Dolazim do najdraže (najdraža, ujedno i jedina koju znam) kućice s palačinkama. Ne volim slatke, nego slane palačinke. Naručujem galette aux épinards et fromage du chèvre (sa špinatom i kozjim sirom), vlasnik me pita jesam li sigurna da hoću tu kombinaciju i da će mi morati naplatiti više, jer toga nema na meniju. Sigurna sam. 

Lik ne zatvara usta, ćaska s nekom ženskom koja s malom plastičnom žličicom nateže rastezljivu palačinku s marmeladom, govoreći kako će propustiti nadolazeći tramvaj, jer ionako mora nakon jela i zapaliti. Ja sve to pratim kao da nisam tamo. Gledam kako će vlasnik prepržiti tu moju palačinku smećkaste boje, čiji okus me potsjeća na okus heljde, ali ne znam kako se to kaže na francuskom, pa ne pitam. Palačinka je odlična, ali bila bi bolja da nije toliko spržena. Prvo šetkam, pa sjedim. Uživam u svakom zalogaju. Odupirem se porivu da pošaljem ne-trudnoj sestri snapchat, stalno joj šaljem slike doručkova i tanjura. Šetam dalje, mislim se, prošetat ću više danas, imam vremena. Nailazim na neke neobične prepreke u tramvajskoj stazi, ništa mi nije jasno i dalje. Prilazim sada već trećoj u nizu tramvajskoj stanici u svom smjeru, i napokon mi se poslože kockice. Nešto je stvarno drugačije. 

Na stanici vidim da je slijedeći tramvaj tek za 5 minuta, a ja hodam već 15-20 bez da je ijedan tramvaj prošao.  Stojim, gledam u smjeru vodenih kanala, glazba u ušima se ugasila, ne provjeravam što se događa. Čujem razgovor koji ne slušam, a ipak čujem, glasni su. «Baš se moraš pošteno naraditi, odlično je, ali moraš puno raditi». Pomišljam, ne pričaju o školi. U 3 sekunde shvaćam koja je tema – igrice. Dva mlada dečka, jedva dvadeset, vode dva odvojena monologa, gledajući svaki u svoju stranu. Ubrzo se pozdravljaju, tramvaj klizi izdaleka, ne čuje se, ali iznenadni nemir na stanici upućuje na to da dolazi.
Otvaraju se vrata, nitko ne izlazi. Sranje. Poznata situacija, kao kad sam išla u školu. Ne pada mi napamet napraviti što bih napravila da sam kući; skinuti ruksak, krenuti prema vratima, ući direktno na ljude, okrenuti se leđima i polako, ali sigurno gurati dok se ne napravi dovoljno mjesta da sam cijela unutra, a vrata zatvorena. 

Idem od jednih vrata do drugih, nitko se ne miče ni centimetar. Već pomislim da je gotovo i da ću morati pješke, kad li jedna osoba izlazi kroz zadnja vrata – sada se nitko ne može praviti da nema mjesta. Ulazim u tramvaj. Ljudi su mi neobično blizu, to mi se još u Njemačkoj ili Francuskoj nije dogodilo. Čak ni u trenucima najvećih gužvi, lako je naći mjesto za sjesti. Nije mi nelagodno, navikla sam. Vidim da svima drugima jest. Da se gužva preusmjerila malo prema sredini tramvaja, bilo bi mjesta za još dva slona. Kako su se samo ljudi ovdje naviknuli na toliko prostora za sebe. Odjednom mi nije neobično zašto karakterno djeluju malo hladnjikavo. U Hrvatskoj kad se voziš tramvajem ili busom u vrijeme gužve, često se cijelim tijelom dodiruješ s nekim ili s više nekih. Tko se nakon toga ne bi osjećao blisko sa svojim susjedom? Razlike u načinu života.

NAPRIJED, SAMO NAPRIJED

Za dva dana idem u St. Gallen, jedno malo švicarsko mjesto, gdje ću se po treći put u životu, a drugi put u Švicarskoj susresti s Viannom Stibal, osnivačicom ThetaHealing-a. Usput mi je, pa mi se nekako čini glupo propustiti priliku. Obično nakon predavanja potpisuje knjige, tj. napiše poruku za tebe. Dosad su poruke bile sasvim neloše, oba puta da sam nevjerovatna iscjeljiteljica, što je lijepo čuti od žene koja je sebi iscijelila rak bedrene kosti. Nakon toga se vozim s nepoznatim čovjekom deset sati u autu, jer tako moderni svijet funkcionira. Dolazim ravno na bakin rođendan i dan-dva kasnije čeka me glazbeni piknik s najdražim bendom. Bit ću kući mjesec dana. Dugo. No u jednom gradu oko 10ak dana, sasvim dovoljno. Radit ću od kuće, radni dan normala, nakon radnog dana – uobičajena nenormala. Tko zna što me čeka? Plan je kostur, meso i organi se još nisu smjestili. Za to ćemo pričekati slijedeći izvještaj iz Gordaninog dnevnika. 

Imam taj odlični plan u glavi da nastavim što je moguće više sa svojim dnevnim ritmom, da ga nekako uklopim u novonastalu situaciju. Vidjet ćemo kako će se unutarnja stabilnost održati uslijed uragana ljudi, druženja, iskustava izvana. Veselim se svemu. Pogotovo malom biću koje neće spavati u škafetu.

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WHAT WAS, HAS PASSED

How to have stability in life? I should tell you? That is a joke. Unless… I might have something to share, my own experience.

Fact No. 1 – I have never in my life made a decision which could could not be reversed in the next, at the longest, 7 seconds.
Fact No. 2 – I do not see myself in the future, not even tomorrow. Let alone in a 10-20-50 years (if God giveth).
Fact No. 3 – I consider myself to be a very decisive and stable person, generally.

Truth about life No. 1 – life is a full-on surprise in every second
Truth about life No. 2 – everyone has imagined their future differently
Truth about life No. 3 – No one is ALWAYS stable, decisive and ready for it all.

What is stability anyway? To be paid regularly, to have a house, car, 500 kids and two loans. As my pregnant sister recently so sweetly said, because of lack of space in their apartment: “We’ll keep the baby in the drawer to sleep, so what!” Let me dissuade you from thinking my entire family are lunatics: the baby got a kinder-bed. I wished to illustrate how there are no ideal conditions. For each person it is a different choice, each one of us might wish for something and in the end lives with what one has. Whether we accept it or not, isn’t it?

In Yoga it is really interesting, when we are, for example, in a position that requires balance, and we do not have it. You keep falling forward, or back, to the side and you think to yourself: I have no balance. The entire exercise is in doing it in order to achieve balance, stability. That is why each position has so many variations. So that anyone who is doing yoga can find the alternative position that suits him/her in that moment. When it becomes comfortable enough, you move on to a more difficult one. Surely your body, mind and emotions are not the same every day, so when you keep doing something, your capacity becomes different. Maybe one day you will opt for the harder option, another for the easier.

I am reading a brilliant text about Ayahuasca, that is not only a book on a sacred plant, but also about many things in a human’s life, mind and healing (in Croatian only for now, contained inside the music folder). Ivan says: All in this world revolves in some rhythm. Our waking, sleeping, breathing, heart-beats. All is in cycles that we often do not accept and wish to make faster. Today’s time is an instant time in which we are taught to get things immediately. One aims to make everything faster, we need faster transportation, faster Internet, faster medicines, faster food.

In the same way we wish to have stability in a yoga position immediately. We wish to have perfection in every life’s situation, and if it is not so, we become frustrated, what in the end makes are more unstable. While agitated, stressed, emotionally exhausted and stressed, can you be stable? Let go of your idea how things should be, open your eyes and see what you are looking at, without searching for an image that is not there. If you do not see what you wish to – there is no clarity in the mind, heart, disappointment, despair – do you need that? Is that the way of life you choose and wish to live in?
All the chaos happening in the world and nature, serves the purpose of waking, serves to shake off old habits. I feel all the changes in the world today are just a can-opener. Some cans are tougher to open, some less. Tools can help. Which tool you will use, is up to you.

So, with all this happening outside and inside of us, where is the stability? Where do you seek your stability? Where do you find it? Do you want more of it? Do you give your consent to things being as they are?
Here I am telling you something. What do you think, who is it I am telling all this to? This entire blog is a conversation between two or more aspects of one person, and the reader witnesses of how things are evolving. Hopefully, the witness also gets to learn something new, receive something useful, implements something into one’s life. 

I really wish to say that I see myself as unstable and am doing my best to be more stable. This morning while I was brushing my teeth staring at the miniature sand-watch counting me a three-minute-brushing sequence, after I had washed my nose out with salty water and had a shower – am I becoming one of those people that always seemed to be obsessive in their hygiene and life habits? After the entire session of getting the body cleaned, I do yoga, breathing exercises, meditation and mantras. I need about 2 and a half hours for all that.  Then breakfast, work, meditation, lunch, work, rest (usually a ThetaHealing session this time of the day), Satsang, watching knowledge, hanging out shortly, reading Yoga Vasistha, a scripture and sleep. And still it seems to me that I spend far too little time to knowledge, meditation and yoga. I am constantly a little bit unhappy with how it works out for me. I wish I could be more dedicated, I wish I did more yoga and more ThetaHealing, to teach more courses, to go to more courses. The insatiable mind. If there were more than 24h in a day, I would certainly know where to use the time. In all this, I loose stability. Even though it seems that it is there on the outside, on the inside it is fighting, disappearing and coming back as it pleases.

I do everything I can to practice stability, and it does grow stronger in my life, and now that I am practising regularly, it is time to let go of the effort in the mind. When you assume the yoga tree pose, standing on one foot, and keep falling forward and back, the only thing you can do balance is to stare at one point and then – relax the mind, as if you are not trying to do anything. Meaning (matlab) you put all your effort, then let it happen as it was meant to, without resisting. I do not say it is easy. It is, when you manage to let go. Haha.

WHAT IS NOW IS NOW

Not knowing of the local transportation strike, I go to lead the weekly breathing program in Strasbourg. I walk from the train station, and notice there is something different, some tram signs are different, streets are full of people, bus stops crowded. I walk on, look at the shop windows, I look at the human windows, quietly giving points for the best shoes and bag colour matching. The French are quite stylish. I arrive to my favourite (the favourite one is also the only one I know of) pancake stand. I do not like the sweet ones, just the salty. I order a galette aux épinards et fromage du chèvre (with spinach and goat cheese), the owner asks me if I am sure this is the combination I want and informs me of charging more as it is not on the menu. I am certain.

The guy does not shut up, he is chatting up a woman who is using a small plastic spoon to cut a rubbery marmalade pancake, saying how she will miss the coming tram, because she anyway needs to have a smoke after eating. I am watching all this as if I was not there. More into how the owner is over-frying my savoury pancake, whose taste reminds me of buckwheat, but I do not know the word in French, so I never asked. The pancake is excellent, but would be better if not so well done. First I stroll about, then sit. Enjoying every gulp. I resist the urge to send a snapchat to my non-pregnant sister, as I send too many pics of French breakfasts and food plates. I walk on, deciding to do so a bit longer, as I have more time. 

I see some unusual things around the tram tracks, but am still not getting anything. I arrive to the third tram stop in my direction, and I finally get it. Something is very different. I see at the stop that the next tram comes in another 5 minutes, but already fifteen or twenty passed with no tram in sight while I was walking. I am standing, looking in the direction of the water canals, the music in my ears stopped but I do not check why. I hear a conversation that I am not listening to, I still hear it, as it is loud enough. “You really have to work hard, it is great, but you need to work hard.” I think to myself, they are not talking about school for sure. I get in in the next 3 seconds, they are talking about a game. Two young boys, barely in their twenties, not looking at each other at all, in a two separate monologues. They say their goodbyes, as the tram silently slides in the distance, but the sudden unrest in the stop tells me it is coming.

The doors open, and no one comes out. Crap. A familiar situation, like it was when I went to school. I am not thinking of doing what I would do if I was at home: take off my rucksack, walk on towards the door, go straight in, turn my back on people and gently but surely push until there is enough space for the doors to close, and me inside.

I go from one doors to the next, no one moves an inch. I already think it is over and that I will have to go on foot, when one person got out of the last door – now they cannot pretend there is no space inside. I enter the tram. People are unusually close to me, that has never happened in Germany nor France. Even in the most crowded moments, it is quite easy to find a seat. I am not uncomfortable; I am used to it. I see that everyone else is. If people would have shifted a little towards the tram middle, there would be enough space for two elephants. How people here are used to have their space. All of a sudden it seemed more clear why they are a bit cold. In Croatia when riding on the tram or bus at rush hour you are usually touching full body length with a few people. Who would be able to keep distance after such an intimate encounter? Differences in the way of life.

FORWARD, ONLY FORWARD

I am going to St. Gallen in two days, a small Swiss place, where I will meet for the third time, second in Switzerland, Vianna Stibal, the founder of ThetaHealing. It is on my way, so it seems silly to miss the opportunity. She usually signs books after her talk, or rather, writes you a personal message. So far, they were quite good, both times saying I was an amazing healer, what is cool to hear from someone who had healed herself from thigh bone cancer. After that I will drive for ten hours with an unknown man in a car, because that is how things work in today’s modern world. I will come straight for my grandmother’s birthday and a few days later a musical picnic awaits me, with my favourite band playing. I will be home about a month. Long. In one place for around 10 days, quite enough, I will be working from home. A normal working day followed by out-of-the-ordinary after-work time. Who knows what is in store for me? The plan is now a skeleton, the flesh and organs yet to be adjusted in. For that we will wait for the next report out of Gordana’s diary.

I have that magnificent plan in my mind to continue as much as I can with my daily rhythm, to somehow puzzle it in the new situation. Let us see how the inner stability keep amidst the hurricane of people, hangouts, outside experiences. I am looking forward to it all. Especially the little being that will not be sleeping in a drawer.