Neutaživa želja za pisanjem me tjera da u najkraćoj pauzi između dvije obaveze, umjesto gledanja kroz prozor u kišu, buljim u slova na tipkovnici i nižem riječi dok slušam nepoznati radijski program. Cijelo vrijeme se pišu riječi i slažu rečenice u glavi, ali ne dočekaju uvijek svjetlo ekrana.

Kako volim sistematizirati, počet ćemo od prvog i osnovnog: Ja sam sada Tetka! Dobila sam novog člana u obitelj, s tim sam ja i svi oko meni dobili neke novopečene titule: mama, tata, baka, djed, prabaka i tetke. Osim što je nećko najljepši, najpametniji i najsposobniji od svih malih beba koje sam ikad vidjela, on je i mnogo više od toga. Imamo sličan horoskop, s čim se neću prestati ponositi dok ne odem s ove zemlje. Već sad je car, a kakav ima biti kad naraste…Za promatrat i divit se, ništa drugo. Ma ne samo da sam ja tetka, moja sestra Jelena je postala mama. Znam da je sve ovo klišej, ali toliko je lijepa mama, i toliko je tata sladak bio kad je beba dolazila i sva briga i veselje i strah su se izmiješali u jednu veliku JUBAV. Novi život je baš čudo, i sve što sa sobom donosi. Jako sam sretna, otkrila sam neku novu dimenziju ljubavi za život i zahvalnosti za postojanje svih mojih bližnjih.

Zatim broj dva, tematika koja mi je pala napamet je kako smo teški robovi navika. Dat ću jedan svoj neprivlačni primjer. S obzirom da živim u zajednici, imamo zajedničku kupaonu, i u njoj šest WC-a. Od toga je jedan «moj». U njemu ima najmanje svjetla i najdalji je. U tom WC-u se četka, do nedavno, nije mogla izvaditi lako, već s dosta napora, ali to me nije sprječavalo da uporno idem baš samo u taj WC. To je valjda taj neki klik u glavi, lakše mi se patiti sa situacijom na koju sam unaprijed spremna, nego se suočiti s nekom za koju ne znam što me čeka. Život i svijet naizgled nisu savršeni, pa sam tako skoro sigurna da bi u drugim WC-ima isto bio neki nedostatak ili nešto što mi se ne sviđa. Sva sreća da je netko promijenio tu četku napokon. Mogla sam i ja…

I eto ti, cijela životna filozofija prosječnog čovjeka, ili matrica navike koju podržavamo sadržana u jednom običnom WC-u. Taj neki niski nivo očekivanja od sebe i života: ma neka ja ovako kako znam, bar znam što me čeka, nego da ne bi slučajno nešto promijenila ili uredila da mi bude ugodnije.

Bože Sveti, smiluj se šašavom umu. Zapravo se sve ovo ponavlja u nedogled samo zato što
1. Rijetko uopće primjećujemo do koje mjere se rasteže ova učmalost navike
2. Lakše mi je samo ostati na starom, nego morati dodatno misliti u životu, kao da nemam i drugih briga.

Možda sam ja potpuno luda, i sve ovo je jedna velika zabluda, ali nekako vjerujem da moja duša vjeruje u promjene – na bolje. Imam taj neki, možda je potpuno u krivu, osjećaj iznutra da mora i da hoće ići isključivo – na bolje, da je život jedan veliki (veganski i bez šećera) sladoled, koji postaje ukusniji što ga duže ližem i dolazim do dubljih slojeva okusa i dodataka. U sredini moguće da je baš ništa, ali put do tog ništa je baš zeznuto dobar.

Bila sam u Hrvatskoj mjesec dana, zato nisam pisala. Izgubila sam do ti jednu dobru naviku koju sam njegovala, posvađala se sa svima tko mi je bio na putu. Vidjela se s velikim brojem dragih ljudi, prošla tečaj ThetaHealing-a, vodila Happiness Program na Braču sa sestrom Katinom. Slušala muziku, družila se, ljubovala nakratko. Provela sam dosta vremena s obitelji, ponajviše s bakom, mamom i tada trudnom sestrom. Ta obitelj. Stvarno je tako važna. I prijatelji koje smatraš obitelji. Nemam riječi. Odlazak kući je baš bio luda vožnja. Koliko prekrasna, toliko i zahtjevna. Usto, nisam bila na praznicima, radila sam svaki dan. No, isplatilo se svake sekunde.

Nisam ništa rekla kako je bilo na druženju s Viannom Stibal u Švicarskoj. Paaaaaaa, jako lijepo. Baš sam danas osvijestila kako je prekrasno biti u društvu ljudi koji žive to o čemu pričaju. Svaka osoba koja te svojim prisustvom uči SVEMU i SVAČEMU je jednostavno odlična osoba u čijoj blizini imaš čast biti. I ja ću jednog dana biti ta osoba, garantirano.

Ne mogu to objasniti, taj neki luđački, nezaustavljivi poriv da UČIM. Štogod bilo, nakon pada, ja ustajem, brišem prašinicu i pičim dalje. I svaki put kao da se ništa nije dogodilo. Napor razdvajanja od ljudi, napor neželjenosti od strane drugih, napor bolesti i neredovitog jedenja – svi ti napori postaju sve manje naporni, sve kraće traju i sve pliće ostaju urezani u memoriju, u osjećaje, u moje biće. Ne znam što je to, je li to nešto što se svakome na duhovnom putu događa, ili meni, ili sam potpuno zabrijala, i zapravo ne idem nigdje i ne događa se ništa.

Jedino što mogu tvrditi iz vlastitog iskustva i imam nekakve dokaze za to: život mi je definitivno postao i postaje mnogo produktivniji nego ranije. I prije sam zapravo bila donekle produktivna, ali onako, na 20% kapaciteta. Sad sam negdje na 200% i penje se.

Valjda je takvo i razdoblje životno, pa neću valjda ovako do kraja života, na petsto strana i stalno raditi i stalno uspostavljati sebi neki dnevni red i dobre, zdrave navike. U jednom trenutku će se neke stvari uspostaviti, i onda će to vrijeme pripasti negdje drugdje. Možda više u svirku, možda više u iscjeljivanje, možda.

Eto na, to ti je Život – jedno veliko MOŽDA. Reklo mi je nedavno par intuitivaca da ja u ništa nisam sigurna. Što bi bilo kada bih bila sigurna? Možda bi se raspala na proste faktore i nikad se ne sastavila. A možda je i to samo još jedan primjerak držanja za poznato, kao onog zadnjeg WC-a s desne strane.

ALI ipak ima stvari u koje sam sigurna:

Sigurna sam u ono što vidim i osjećam u datom trenutku.
Sigurna sam da je to istinito za mene u tom trenutku.
Sigurna sam da je cijela ova kreacija djelo božanske kreacije, i da sam i ja kreator božanske kreacije.
Sigurna sam da mogu iscijeliti ljude koji žele biti iscijeljeni.
Sigurna sam da sebe mogu iscijeliti do kraja kada budem to dovoljno jako željela.
Sigurna sam u ljubav koju osjećam svim svojim srcem i unutrašnjošću za svijet i za ljude u njemu.
Sigurna sam da mi meditacija i yoga i pjevanje mantri i uronjavanje u znanje svakodnevno nešto čini da se osjećam čvršće, stabilnije, neprobojnije, a pritom i suptilnije, s više razumijevanja i pažnje prema drugima.
Sigurna sam da sam brutalno grozno intuitivna i da mi malo toga promiče, osim kad sam ja u pitanju.
Sigurna sam da su mi Guru i učitelji ThetaHealing-a iskreni i puni tog nečega za podijeliti što ja samo mogu upijati i dijeliti dalje.
Sigurna sam u Život.
Sigurna sam u Obitelj.
Sigurna sam u Postojanje.
Sigurna sam u Vječni Život Duše.
Sigurna sam u Ljubav.
Sigurna sam u Sebstvo.
Sigurna Jesam.

P.S. Novo otkriće: uopće nitko nije promijenio posudu za četku u WC-u, nego je namjestio tako da ju je lako izvaditi. Kako je percepcija varljiva, pogotovo u mraku.

Pogled iz novog office-a na šumu///View from the new office, to the forest

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

An insatiable desire to write makes me stare at the letters on the keyboard and spill out words in the shortest break between two jobs, while listening to an unknown radio program. Words keep rearranging themselves inside my head all the time, sentences keep getting produced, but not all of them see the light of screen.

As I like sytemising, let us start from number one: I am an Auntie now! I got a new family member, and with that me and everyone around got new titles: mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather, great grandmother and aunties. Except my nephew being the most beautiful, smartest and most competent amongst all other babies I have ever seen, he is much more than just that. We have a bit of a similar astrological chart, which I will continue to be proud of until I leave this Earth. Even now he is really brilliant, but how he will be as a grown-up…
One can just watch and wonder, nothing more. Not only am I an auntie, but my sister Jelena is now a mommy. I know all this might sound like a cliché, but the mommy is so beautiful, and daddy was so cute when the baby was on its way and all the worries and joy and fear came together as a great LOVE. A new life is truly a miracle, and all it brings along. I am so very happy, I discovered yet another dimension of love for life and gratitude for the existence of my near and dear ones.

Number two, a topic that occurred to me recently of how much we are slaves of our own habits. I will give my own unattractive example. Considering I live in a community home, we have a joint bathroom, and in it 6 toilets. One of them is “mine”. It has the least light and is the farthest. In that toilet the brush could not easily be pulled out of its stand, but with a bit of skill and effort, but that did not stop me from going into that particular toilet every time. It seems to be a click in the mind, to have it easier to suffer a particular situation I am familiar with instead of facing a new one, not knowing what awaits. Life and the world seem not to be as perfect, and that makes me certain that other toilets also have flaws. Thank goodness someone finally changed the brush stand. I could have done it as well.

There you go, a life’s worth philosophy of an average person, or a habit matrix we keep supporting with just an ordinary toilet. That is such low-expectancy from ourselves and life: let it be the way I know it to be, at least I know what is waiting for me, god forbid something would actually change or I would change something to make things even more comfortable.

God Almighty, have mercy on the silly mind. All this keeps repeating out of two reasons:
1. We rarely even notice how these habits become more stale
2. It seems so much easier not to budge, than to have to think extra in life, as if I did not have other things to worry about.

Maybe I am a complete lunatic, and all this is a big illusion, but I believe that my souls believes in change – for the better. I have a feeling, and it might be completely wrong, that everything has to and will only go – for the better. That life is a giant (sugarless vegan) ice-cream becoming tastier as I keep licking it and arriving to deeper layers of taste and additions. There might be really nothing in the centre, but the path to that nothing is seriously great.

I was in Croatia for a month, that is why I had not written. I lost every single good habit I nurtured, I had fights with absolutely everyone I met. I saw a great number of dear people, did a ThetaHealing course, led a Happiness Program with my sister Katina. Listened to good music, hung out, shortly had an affair. I spent a lot of time with my family, mostly my grandmother, mom and then pregnant sister. Family. So important! And friends you consider to be family. I have no words. Going home for a while was a crazy ride. As beautiful as it was, that much demanding as well. Also, I was not on holiday, I worked every day. But it was worth it, each second.

I have not shared how it was to hang out with Vianna Stibal, the founder of ThetaHealing in Switzerland. Well, veeeery nice indeed. Just today I realised how beautiful it is to be near people who walk the talk. Each and every person that can teach you EVERYTHING and ANYTHING just with their presence is just a brilliant person you have the honour to be with. One day I will be one of those people, I can guarantee it.

I cannot explain it, but it is a madman’s unstoppable drive to LEARN. Whatever occurred, after falling, I dust myself off and continue. Every time it is like nothing had happened. The strain from being torn away from people, the strain of not being wanted by some, the strain of being ill and not eating regularly – are becoming less of a strain, they last less time and leave a shallower cut in the memory, feelings and being. I do not know what exactly that is, is it something that happens to everyone on the spiritual path, or is it me or am I completely in the wrong, and not going anywhere and nothing is happening?

The only thing I can speak of from my own experience and have some proof for it is that my life has definitely became and is becoming more productive than it used to be. I was productive and active before, but maybe using 20% of my capacity. Now running on about 200% and growing.

It might also just be one of life’s period, I am guessing it will not be like this till my life’s end, being on so many sides all the time, and keeping watch over my daily schedule and good, healthy habits. At one point some things will just become steady and that time being invested in this will go elsewhere. Maybe more into playing music, maybe healing, maybe.

There you go, that is life for you, a great big MAYBE. A few intuitive people told me recently how I am not sure about anything. What would happen if I was sure? Maybe I would dissolve and never re-connect. Maybe it is just another example of how we hold on to the familiar things, like the toilet.

BUT, there are things I am certain of:

I am sure of what I see and feel in a given moment.
I am sure that it is the truth for me in that moment.
I am sure this entire creation is the work of god’s creation, and that I too am a creator of god’s creation.
I am sure I can heal people who wish to be healed.
I am sure I can heal myself once I wish it strongly enough.
I am sure in the love I feel with all my heart and inner being for the world and people in it.
I am sure meditation and yoga and singing mantras and deepening into knowledge daily makes me feel stronger, more stable, unbreakable and also subtler, with more understanding and care for others.
I am sure that I have a crazily good intuition and I fail to see little, except when I am in question.
I am sure my Guru and ThetaHealing teachers are honest and filled with that something they can share, that I can soak in and share on.
I am sure of Life.
I am sure of Family.
I am sure of Existence.
I am sure of the Soul’s Eternal Life.
I am sure of Love.
I am sure of the Self.
I Am Sure.

P.S. New dicovery: no one has changed the pot for the brush in the toilet, only adjusted it so that it is easier to take out. Perception deceives, especially in the dark.