Sve trčim, pa zapinjem. Ne znam gdje sam sve posadila sjemenkice novog bloga, u zabilješkama, u nekom word file-u, u neposlanim porukama… No, najbolje vrijeme za nove početke je upravo – sada.

Dok se sunce koprca da izađe iza oblaka, u kišno strazburško jutro, tramvaj se kotrlja praznim ulicama nedjeljnog dana. Nije čest slučaj da sam vikendom u Francuskoj. Jučer smo imali večer pjesme i meditacije (kako ovo smiješno i otrcano zvuči). Večer pjesme i meditacije je bila apsolutni hit – ja na gitari, nekoliko srednjovječnih dama, porijeklom s Mauricijusa na back vokalima i gospon ne-govorim-mnogo na tabli (indijski bubnjevi). Table ni vokale ni publiku nisam čula, samo svoj milozvučni glas na razglasu u dosta akustičnoj prostoriji. Na kraju krajeva, nije ni važno što se vani čulo, jer je publika bila u ulozi sudionika, pa smo pritom svi zajedno imali performans – za dušu. Nije to nešto što se lako da opisati, ali iskustvo koje ostaje u obliku zvučnog zapisa na srcu je neizbrisivo.

Zalutala misao: Nekad se osjećam kao da slažem slogane za reklame iz rečenice u rečenicu. Volim kada tekst ima dobar zvuk.

Moj prvi i za sada zadnji satsang (večer pjesme i meditacije) u Strasbourgu. Kako neobičan fenomen – tog trena kad znaš da nešto napuštaš, postane savršeno. Dotad ti je smetala svaka sitnica: ljudi koji prigovaraju, prostor koji nije sasvim idealan, tramvaj koji se vuče dva na sat. Odjednom, pred odlazak, vožnja tramvajem postaje šarmantno razgledavanje svih mjesta koja nećeš neko vrijeme vidjeti, ljudi postaju slatki i simpatični sa svojim brigama, prostor je odjednom najadekvatniji. Što je to? Odvojenost? Odjednom znaš da te se ‘sve to’ više ne tiče ili će te se uskoro prestati ticati i postaješ – ravnodušan? Rekla bih radije ‘nevezan’, ‘odvojen od rezultata’.

Možda sam zato uvijek rado odlazila. Malo statistike: u svojih 34 godine života zivjela sam u 5 država, 9 različitih gradova, na 27 mjesta, preselila se 29 puta.
Najduže mjesto boravka na jednom mjestu mi je 4 godine: od rođenja do 4. godine života. Odonda nisam probila rekord. Uspjela sam doći do najduže 3 godine na jednoj lokaciji.

Nije mi čudno što nakon 2 godine i 4 mjeseca selim iz Njemačke. Nije da nisam namjeravala, o da, namjeravala sam, puno ranije. Točno u trenutku potpunog pomirenja, ma niti po-mirenja, već potpunog dubokog mira s mjestom na kojem živim, s ljudima, pa čak i s nekim aspektima posla, s kojim sam generalno bila nezadovoljna. Nezadovoljna u smislu da sam, i duboko iznutra, a i na površini, osjećala da imam kapaciteta za mnogo više i drugu vrstu posla. E, točno u tom trenutku, idem dalje. Dugo mi je trebalo da se pospojim u potpunosti, i točno kada se to dogodilo, beži mala.

Stalno sam pitala Gurujija koliko još da ostanem, a on svakih par mjeseci kratko odgovarao – ostani još malo. Već sam svašta pomišljala, da me ne voli, da me muči, da gleda svoju organizaciju, a ne mene. Međutim, sve su to samo naklapanja malog umića.

U ove dvije i nešto godine, nema toga što nisam naučila:
kako komunicirati s ljudima i prenijeti im točno što mislim i želim – nadređenima i podređenima
kako prefesionalno komunicirati, bez straha od odbijanja
kako se obraćati masi ljudi, bez srama, izraziti se jasno i sažeto
nešto tečnije govoriti francuski, i osnove njemačkog
back end wordpress siteova
(he he, moram updejtat CV)
unaprijedila sam vještine vođenja tečajeva, postala profi učitelj yoge
proputovala (koliko se dalo, uz posao) Švicarsku i Njemačku
naučila cijeniti ono što imaš i manje patiti za onim što nemaš
upoznala gomiletinu novih ljudi, stvorila par lijepih prijateljstava, kontakata suradnika

A da ne govorim o apsolutnoj divoti prirode Crne Šume i svakodnevnog rada i reda života u ashramu.

Najveća olakšanja kojima se nadam:
samostalno odlučivanje – od posla, preko načina života do biranja wc papira
mogućnost ulaganja energije u ono gdje je ona najbolje iskoristiva
burek – samo sada fakat ne jedem jaja, pa moram naučiti peći burek doma

Najveći strahovi kojima se opirem
samostalno odlučivanje – tko će biti tu da mi kaže: ovo je dobro, ovo ne radiš dobro?
potpuna briga za financije
biranje wc papira

“A gdje se ona to sad seli? Sigurno ide živjeti u Tunguziju s nekim plemenom.”

Nažalost, Tunguzija mora pričekati, jer se Gordana vraća svojim korijenima – u Dalmaciju, točnije u Split, gdje sam zapravo živjela one duge četiri godine, od nulte nadalje.

To mi je uvijek bila tiha frustracija – rođena na Braču, kao iz Splita, a zapravo nikako osjetiti povezanost s
tim gradom. Kao da sam ga uvijek samo posjećivala, kao kad ideš kod prijatelja u goste. Doma mi je bio Zadar, a kada je on izblijedio, jer se tamo nismo vraćali, moji korijeni su se smjestili na Brač – dok sam živjela 15 godina u Zagrebu. Uvijek bez prave pripadnosti. Kad god bih osjećala pripadnost i privrženost jednom mjestu, uvijek su se našli ljudi u mojoj bližoj okolini koji su to propitivali.

Dijete nomad. Ne pripada uistinu nigdje, a pripada tamo gdje se sada nalazi.

Vraćam se ‘doma’ po zadatku. Guru me šalje kući da pomognem kako znam i umijem dići što više rad organizacije na domaćem terenu.

Razmišljala sam dosta o tome: u Strasbourgu, gdje govorim jezik, stranac sam čak i za ljude koji su iz dalekih zemalja doselili prije 20-30 godina. Uvijek bih ostala stranac, Hrvatica koja živi u njemačkoj šumi, došla u Strasbourg. U njemačkoj šumi nisam stranac,  stabla i potoci me dobro poznaju, odavna.

Ali čak i u Njemačkoj sam stranac, ne govorim jezik dobro, nisam živjela u nekom gradu da bih mogla reći da sam skontala način života i kulturu, samo pokoju sitnicu tu i tamo.

Gdjegod se okrenem, i dalje sam Balkanka u zapadnoj Europi.

A doma? I doma ću biti neka što je bila, pa se kao vratila, šta ona sad hoće, ali ipak govorim jezik, znam kako ljudi dišu – iako ih i to želim naučiti, kao da ne znaju. Vidjet ćemo, dragi moji, kako ću biti dočekana, kakve me preprekice očekuju. Imam milijon ideja kako da si učinim život apsolutno ugodnim, ispunjenim i uspješnim, a pritom i sve to drugima omogućim.

Ovom prilikom pozivam svih da mi se jave – onima koji su doma da me hvataju na domaćem terenu, a onima koji nisu – dođite me posjetiti, imat ćemo što raditi, a pritom se i dobro zabaviti.

Mrkva za slijedeći blog – kako prepoznati ‘pravog’ i je li to ono što se, uz sve ovo gore opisano, napokon događa u Gordaninom životu?

Pročitajte u slijedećem izdanju – pretplati se sada i dobiješ tikvu iz ashramskog organskog vrta besplatno.
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I keep running and falling. I cannot keep track of where all I have sown the seeds of the latest blog, in notes, a word file, unsent messages… The best time for new beginnings seems to be right now.

While the sun is struggling to come from behind the clouds and shine on the rainy Strasbourg morning, the tram slides through empty streets of a Sunday. It is not often that I am in France on the weekend. Yesterday we had a singing and meditation evening (that sounds really funny and tacky). The singing and meditation evening was an absolute hit – moi on guitar, several middle-aged ladies from Mauritius backing vocals and a Mr. I-speak-not on the tabla. Nor the tabla nor vocals nor audience was audible to me – only my own voice in an acoustically ear-pleasing space. In the end it is less important what was heard, as the audience was also part of the band, so altogether we were quite a performance – for the soul. It is not something one can easily describe, the experience stays like an audio recording in the heart.

A random thought: Sometimes I feel as if sentence by sentence I am putting together commercial slogans. I love when the text has a good sound to it.

My first, and for now last satsang (singing and meditation evening) in Strasbourg. Such an unusual phenomenon is that once you are leaving somewhere, it becomes perfection incarnate. Until that moment every single little thing bothered you: people’s complaints, the not so perfect space, the tram that goes 20km/h. Suddenly, just before leaving, the tram ride seems like a charming sightseeing of all the places you will not see again soon, people become cute with their worries, the space suddenly becomes the most adequate. What is that? Separation? Now when you know that all that is none of your business, you become indifferent? Or rather not bound, detached from results?

That may be why I always gladly left places. A bit of statistics: in my 34 years I lived in 5 states, 9 different cities, in 27 places, and moved 29 times. The longest I ever stayed in one place was from birth to 4 years of age. Since then I have not broken the record. I managed to get to 3 years in one location.

No wonder that after 2 years and 4 months I am moving from Germany. Not that I was not planning on it, yes I planned, a lot earlier. In the exact moment of complete peace-making, or rather complete emerging into the place I live in, the people I am staying with, and even some aspects of the work I was quite dissatisfied with. Dissatisfied in the sense of feeling, somewhere deep inside, and also a bit on the surface, that my capacity is much more and for a different kind of work. In that exact moment of complete ease, I am moving on. I needed a long while to completely connect, but when that happened, you get out of here, girl.

I kept asking Guruji how much longer I should stay, and he answered me every few months – stay a little while longer. I already went into the extent of thinking he does not love me, how he is torturing me, taking care of the organisation and not me. Those were, nevertheless, only chit-chatters of the small mind.

In these two and a little more years, there is not much I had not learned:

⁃ how to communicate with people and transfer to them exactly what I am thinking and wishing – to my superiors and those under me

⁃ how to professionally communicate, without fear of rejection

⁃ how to speak to a larger group of people, without shame, express myself clearly and crisply

⁃ speak French a little more fluently, and some German basics

⁃ the backend of wordpress sites

(he he, I have to update my CV)

⁃ I became better at teaching courses, became a professional yoga teacher

⁃ travelled as much as I could, around Switzerland and Germany

⁃ learned how to appreciate what you have and suffer less for what you do not have

⁃ I met a bunch of new people, made a few really nice friendships, and good contacts

Not to forget the absolute beauty of the Black Forest nature and everyday life and orderliness of living in the ashram.

The relief I hope for the most:
⁃ to be able to decide on my own – about work, how I live and choosing toilet paper

⁃ possibility of investing my energy where it can be used best

⁃ burek – only now I really do not eat eggs and I need to lear how to bake burek at home

My most feared fears:

⁃ deciding on my own – who will be there to tell me: this is good, this you are not doing well

⁃ complete and utter care for finances

⁃ choosing toilet paper

“Where is it she is moving now? It must be a place like Tunguska with a tribe”

Unfortunately Tunguska will need to wait because Gordana is returning to her roots – to Dalmatia, more specifically to Split, where I have lived for those four long years, from zero on.

That used to be a point of frustration for me – born on Brač, being from Split, but never actually feeling much connection to the place. As if I had always visited it, like when you go visit your friends, as a guest. My home used to be Zadar, but when it got lost from my memories, as we went there so rarely, my roots went deeper into Brač – while living at the time iz Zagreb for fifteen years. Always without feeling true belonging. Whenever I did feel belonging and connection to one place, there were always people around who have not felt the same.

A nomad child. Not belonging anywhere really, only always belonging to the place she is at, at the moment.

I am coming “home” as a mission. My Guru is sending me to help bring up the work of the organisation, as best I can.

I thought about it a lot: in Strasbourg, where I do speak the language, I am a foreigner, even for the people coming from far away countries twenty-thirty years ago. I would always be a stranger, a Croatian living in the German forest, coming to Strasbourg. In the German forest I am not a stranger, the trees and creeks know me well, since ages.

Even in Germany I am a foreigner, I do not speak the language well, I have not lived in any city to be able to say that I know or understand the culture and way of life, except here and there a little.

Wherever I turn to, I am still a Balkan girl in Europe.

Home? At “home” I will also be someone who was, then came back, what does she want now?, but at least I speak the language. I know how people breathe (an expression in Croatian, meaning: knowing them well). We shall see, my dears, how I will be received, what kinds of obstacles await me. I have a million and one idea of how to make my life absolutely pleasant to live, fulfilled and successful, and also how to bring all these to others.

I am taking this opportunity to invite everyone to be in touch – those at home to catch me there, and those who are not – come and visit me, we will have lots to do and also have loads of fun.

And a carrot for the next blog – How to recognise the “right one”, and is it exactly that what is, amongst other changes, happening in Gordana’s life?

Read in the next edition – subscribe now and win a pumpkin from the organic ashram garden.