Došao je i taj dan. Dan kao san, kad ti nakon tri mjeseca čekanja, nadanja, sanjarenja i čežnje dođe dragi nazad u naručje. I sami taj trenutak je prošao kao san. Kada sam ga dočekivala ispred autobusa, osjećala sam se kao da sam baš taj trenutak doživjela već minimalno desetak puta, u mislima. To je sada to. Nema nazad. Novi početak. Novi posao. Novi stan. Novi grad. Novi dečko. A sve već negdje poznato. Koliko god planirala što i kako, na kraju uvijek ispadne drugačije. Učim se polako, ali sigurno, uvijek ostavljati sve otvorenim. Lakše je prihvatiti promjenu između onoga što zamišljam da jest i onoga što uistinu jest. Ta tvrdoća nam toliko otežava živote. Tako je teško pustiti.

Preselila sam se u Split, na jug Hrvatske. Prvu noć kada sam sama spavala u stanu sjedila sam na rubu kreveta, dopisivala se s dragim koji je nekim meni još nedokučivim čudom točno znao kako se osjećam. Na rubu suza, činilo mi se kao da sam na rubu nekog ponora iz kojeg se nikada neću izbaviti. Nedostajalo mi je topline ljudi, topline vatre u kaminu, i prisutnost jedne lijepe razbuđujuće energije koja vječno nadvladava sva emotivna stanja u ashramu.

No sve polako pada na svoje mjesto, kao u tetrisu. Nije mi još došlo do vrha, rijetko kada dolazi. Vrlo brzo mi dođe ona jedna dugačka kockica i sruši tri ili četiri reda odjednom. Dok se puni, malo je frka, ali kratko. U nemogućnosti da vidim i znam što će točno biti, nešto sam zamišljala zadnja dva mjeseca života u ashramu, o tome kako će biti kada se vratim u «rodnu grudu». Uopće nije ni slično, dapače, nema veze s vezom. Što uopće trošimo vrijeme na razmišljanje i zamišljanje, kada na kraju sve to nema veze s vezom kako stvarno biva?

Oprala me tuga, jer sam otišla od doma, a ovaj put je doma bilo nekako super. Svaki prijašnji put kada sam negdje selila, selila sam iz potrebe da se maknem od nečega što je iz mene – bivših, cimerica, stana koji mi se nije sviđao, grada, posla, faxa. Ovaj put nije bilo ničeg od čega sam htjela pobjeći (bar ne u zadnjih 6 mjeseci). Kao da sam izbačena iz kukuljice prije vremena. Naravno, nikad nije prije vremena, uvijek je baš točno onda kada treba. Samo, prvi val svježeg zraka, zraka promjene, malo štipka za lice.

Imam neke ideje što ću i kako ću, ali sve to dolazi polako, ne odjednom. Treba vremena. Treba vremena. Treba vremena da se dođe autobusom od Zagreba do Rijeke, dva sata. Možda želiš u Rijeku baš sada, ali trebat ćeš pričekati do slijedećeg busa, i zatim tu vožnju. Na žalost, ništa od teleportiranja.

Tako i ja još putujem do Splita, mentalno i emocionalno. Ne osjećam se kao kod kuće, ali hoću, uskoro.

Ne samo Split, ne samo Hrvatska, već cijeli taj svijet van ashrama. Ovih prvih dana, imam osjećaj kao da sam pod bombama mirisa, zvukova, slika, dodira. U Dalmaciji se ljude ne libe razgovarati s tobom o svemu kao da se znate sto godina, iako si došla samo kupiti kilo blitve. Nekako se često dodiruju dok razgovaraju. Sve ima tako intenzivan miris, ljudi, cigarete, promet. A zvukovi da ne govorim. Prvi dan kada sam čula glasove kroz prozor, imala sam osjećaj kao da su mi ljudi u sobi, streslo mi se cijelo tijelo. Nisam prije toliko pažnje tome svemu posvećivala, jer sam imala osjećaj da sam u kukuljici, i što god sve to bilo što se događa vani, ne događa se meni, jer ja sam tu samo u prolazu. Ovaj put sam sve gledala potpuno iz druge perspektive, ja sam sada akter u ovom prostoru, u interakciji s ljudima koje ću susretati ponovno, i sve će se to negdje ponavljati.

No, sada imam i svog princa, koji me konstantno ubada tamo gdje najviše boli, pitam se, da postanem jača? Da nadvladam još tih par slabih točka koje tako ljubomorno čuvam. On mene ima da ga smekšam? Da ga tetošim i prepoznajem njegovu nježnost i vrijednost koje kao da nije sasvim svjestan? Lijepo je biti u dvoje.

Kamo dalje? Nemam pojma. Nakon prvobitnog šoka, i smještanja, ide slijedeći val brige. Prvi puta u životu u potpunosti prepuštena sebi. Nije mi rano, već mi je pomalo kasno da uđem u tu fazu života. Nema ničeg što mogu prepustiti drugome ili slučaju – odgovorna sam za sebe potpuno. Nitko mi neće pomoći, nitko me neće podržati. Ne jer ne žele ili ne mogu, već jer ja više ne želim i ne mogu živjeti potpuno ovisna o drugima. Računajući na druge, ne brineš se za sebe sto posto. To je valjda neki moj osvajački poriv: Ja ću se brinuti za sebe u cijelosti i neće mi trebati ničija pomoć.

Često se nalazim u dilemi između dva pola, s jedne strane potpuno realne situacije koja izgleda kao da nema šanse da mi išta uspije, a s druge strane onaj moj sanjarski, ali i tvrdoglavi stav da će sve biti onako kako ja želim da bude.

Realnost: imam kredit, iznajmljeni stan i plaću koja pokriva samo to dvoje. San: živjet ću kako živim, i sve drugo će se posložiti tako da u svakom trenutku imam upravo onoliko koliko mi je potrebno. Nisam baš potpuno nerealna, ima neke nade da će momak početi uskoro raditi, ima nade da ću zaraditi nešto dodatno. Sve je to tu negdje, čeka da se ostvari. I hoće. Kada i na koji način je ono što treba jednostavno pričekati. I raditi, naravno.

I za kraj, jedna zabavna situacija, balkanskog karaktera.

Krećem na put, u Rijeku iz Zagreba. Ne kupim kartu, jer vidim na internetu da ima jedan bus u 6 ujutro i taman mi taj paše, jer imam prvu obavezu u Rijeci u 10h, pa taman da stignem kući ostaviti stvari i nazad do grada.

U 5.45 dolazim na perone i tražim bus, jer na netu ne piše s kojeg perona ide. Prekasno sam stigla da bih se vraćala gore na šalter, redovi su ogromni. Uspijevam shvatiti gdje bi taj moj bus stajao. Na peronu stoji četvero ljudi, a busa nigdje. Prolazi par minuta, već se opasno bliži vrijeme polaska, kontam, valjda bus dolazi od nekud, pa kasni. Započinjem razgovor s jednom osobom, ona mi govori: «Čuo sam ja da ovaj bus nekad ne dođe, ne isplati mu se ići s malo ljudi». Zovem broj od firme od busa, javlja mi se neki čovjek i više puta ponavlja mi isto: «Ja sam tu, evo iza žute crte, stojim pored autobusa, zovem vozača od 4.45 ujutro, ali mi se ne javlja.» Uputi me da ga nazovem uskoro, reći će mi nešto više. Prošlo je 6.15, svima je jasno da bus ne ide nigdje i da nas tip žešće mulja.

Na šalteru njima vraćaju novac, meni ne, jer nisam ni imala kartu, i svi skupa idemo na slijedeći bus, sat i po vremena kasnije.

I sad se ja pitam: Kako je to uopće moguće da se netko tako posluje? Kako je moguće da kolodvor to tolerira? Kako imaju obraza lagati tako ljudima? Što da je netko zakasnio na avion zbog njih, na važan sastanak? Tko bi ih tužio? Kako im to prolazi?

Takav ti je život, nekad čupav, nekad dlakav. Nekad nerazumljiv. Ali je takav kakav je. Idemo na slijedeći level. Na kojem si ti?

Split, Bačvice

THE day has finally come. A day like a dream, when after three months of waiting, hoping, dreaming and longing, you darling comes back into your arms. While waiting in front of the bus, I felt as if I had already lived through that same moment ten times or more, in my thoughts. This is it now. Point of no return. A new beginning. A new job. A new apartment. A new city. A new boyfriend. Everything a tiny bit familiar, but all new. As much as I plan what and how to do, in the end it always turns out differently. I am a slow learner, but understand that one needs to keep things always open. It is easier to accept the change between what I imagined should be and what really is. This particular crudeness makes our lives so much more difficult, as it is often so hard to let go.

I moved to Split, the south of Croatia. The first night I spent alone in my apartment, I sat at the edge of the bed, writing to my darling, who at the time was incredibly accurately assessing my state of being. I was close to tears, and it seemed as if I was on the border of a deep pit from which I will have a hard time coming out of. I missed the warmth of people, warmth of the fireplace and the infallible presence of an awakening energy that takes you above all emotional states, in the ashram.

Slowly, everything is falling into its place, like in tetris. Still the blocks have not come to the top, they rarely do. Not before long that that long block comes and knocks off three or four lines at once. While it is filling up, I get a bit worried, but it soon passes. In the inability to see and really know what will be, I kept imagining, during the last few months in the ashram, how it will be once I am back where I originated from. The imagination has absolutely nothing to do with reality. Why do we ever waste so much time to think and imagine, when at last, it has nothing to do with what will be?

I got sad, because I left home, and this time “home” was just so cool. Every other time I was moving out, I did it out of a need to move away from – exes, roommates, an apartment I had not liked, a city, job, uni. This time there was nothing I wanted to run away from (at least not in the last six months). As if I was kicked out of a cocoon before time. Naturally, nothing ever happens before it is time to happen. It is just the first cold gush of wind, the wind of change, pinches at the cheeks a bit.

I have ideas of how and what to do, but it all comes slowly, not at once. It needs time. It needs time. It needs time for the bus to take you from Zagreb to Rijeka, two hours. Maybe you wish to be in Rijeka this very moment, but you will need to wait for the next bus to go, and then also the ride will take some time. Unfortunately, teleportation is still a no-go.

In the same way, I am still travelling to Split, mentally and emotionally. I do not feel like I am at home yet, but I will do, soon enough.

Not only Split, not only Croatia, but this entire world outside of the ashram. The first days I am here, I had a feeling as if I were bombed with scents, sounds, images and touches. In Dalmatia (coastal part of Croatia) people do not shy from talking to strangers as if they knew each other for years, even though you are just buying a kilo of greeneries. They often touch one another while chatting and everything has such intense smells; people, cigarettes, traffic. Let alone the sounds. The first day I heard people’s voices out the window, I had the impression they were in my house, I was quite shaken. I have never before noticed any of these things, because I lived like I were in a cocoon, whatever was happening around me, was not a part of my life, because I was just in passing. This time I was seeing everything from another perspective, because now I have a role in this space, in interacting with people I will meet again and it will all repeat again and again.

But now, now I have my prince here, who keeps poking me where it hurts the most, and I wonder, is it for me to become stronger? To come over those few weak points that I am holding onto so tightly. He has me to make him softer? To take care of him and recognise his gentleness and value that he might not aware of yet? Anyhow, it is nice to be in a couple.

Where to go from here? I have no idea! After the first shock, and settling in, the next wave of worries is coming up. For the first time in my life I am FULLY left to myself. There is nothing that I can leave for someone else to take care or let it be – I have full responsibility for myself. No one will help me, or support me. Not because they do not want to or they cannot, rather because I do not wish to and cannot be dependant of others. Leaning on others, you leave space not to take care of yourself a hundred percent. That seems to be the next task on my conqueror’s agenda: I will take care of myself fully, and I will not need anyone’s help.

I often find myself in a dilemma between two extremes, on one hand reality seems to be telling me there is little chance for what I wish for to work out in my favour, and then on the other side, there is that stubborn attitude that everything will be as I wish it to be, or at least a slight variety of it.

Reality says: I have a loan, a rented apartment and a pay that covers only these two things. My dream says: I will live here and everything else will fall into place in such a way that I always have as much as I need. I am not completely unrealistic, there is some hope that my boy will start working soon and that I will also earn more. All that is waiting somewhere, to become true. And it will. When and in what way is something that just needs waiting for. And work towards it, of course.

For some entertainment, a funny situation, of a Balkan character.

I am going to travel, from Rijeka to Zagreb. I do not buy a ticket, because the internet tells me that there is a 6am bus that suits me perfectly: I have something at ten, so there is enough time to leave my things at home and go back to the city.

5.45am I come to the station and look for the platform, as it is not marked online and it is too late to go to the counter, as there are so many people queuing. I find out somehow where that bus is supposed to be, and I see 4 people waiting, but no bus. After a few minutes, departure time being dangerously close, I am guessing the bus started its journey somewhere else, so that is why it might be late. One of the people there tells me he had heard that this bus does not always drive, if there are less people, it is not profitable enough. I call the bus company, someone answers and keeps repeating how he is standing just there, nearby, next to the bus, and calling the bus driver since 4.45am, but the driver is not answering the phone. He tells me how he will call me soon with more information. 6.15 passed and now it is pretty clear the bus is not going anywhere and the guy is just saying nonsense.

At the counter, everyone gets a full refund, but I do not, as I had not bought the ticket, we all get on the next bus, an hour and a half later. 

This made me wonder: How is it possible for someone to do business in this way? How is it possible that the bus station authorities allow it? How can they lie so ruthlessly? What if someone would be late for a plane or an important meeting? Who would sue them? How do they get away with something like this?

That is life for you, sometimes like this, sometimes like that. Sometimes hard to get. But it is as it is. Let us go for the next level. Which level are you on?