Dva mjeseca se
događalo očito zanemarivanje. Ispričavam se. Ne mogu obećati da neću više
nikad. Život me uhvatio u svoj neki vrtlog i teško se bilo probiti na površinu.
Već sam nekad i rekla, tekst jednostavno ne može odoljeti, a da se ne pojavi na
površini. Dok nekada čuči unutra, u lirskoj duši, i ne zna kamo izaći.

                     

LIR’KA

Pjesnikinja je danas s
vama. Evo jedan produženi haiku:

Snježni pokrivač ili
ne

Minus ili plus

Kiša ili sunce

Vani je uvijek – zrak.

Lude sreće sam da sam
tu gdje jesam, na ovoj planeti. Sasvim lude sreće. Ne bih nigdje drugdje sada
bila. Ne bih osvajala nove svemire, otkrivala nove čestice, ni sva znanja ove
beskonačne kreacije. Ima drugih koji će to. Sada me samo zanima što je unutra.
Kako srce titra. Gdje je glava odlutala. I taj unutarnji svemir mi je toliko
fascinantan i zanimljiv, da me sve ovo drugo može zaobići u najvećem luku. Samo
da zatvorim oči, i putujem. Prostranstvima uma, duše, svijesti gdje je
krajolika i emocija pregršt.

Putujem i vlakom, kao
i obično, ali više me ne fasciniraju niti zanimaju sapun koji u njemačkim
vlakovima teče u potocima, dok se u Hrvatskoj tvrdi sapun na ribež daje u
oskudnim mrvicama.

ŽIVOTE, ODVEDI ME U
SVOJE NAJDUBLJE PONORE

NOSI ME NA VJETRU
PONAD OBLAKA

DOK OBLAKA NESTANE

NOSI ME NA VALOVIMA
ČESTICA

U BESKONAČNO I NAZAD

BEZ DA SAM SE S MJESTA
POMAKNULA
DUŠU MI ODVEDI NA PUTOVANJE I NE STAJ – NIKAD!

Sve mi je nekako
maglovito i jasno u isto vrijeme. Jasno mi je što osjećam, jasno kao sunčan dan,
a što mislim mi se sve više čini da je neka magla koja prekriva kristalni odsjaj
emocije/unutarnjeg osjećaja. Znanje je kad nešto znaš, a mudrost trenutak kada
upotrebljavaš ono što znaš, kaže nam Guru. Sve što učim mi se polako izražava
samo od sebe u životu. Nikad se ništa nije dogodilo planski, i s upiranjem. Tek
kad se pusti. Pusti SVE. Napor koji ulažemo da bi OTPUSTILI SVE, je još jedna
preprekica da zbilja otpustimo.

 

U-GLAVN-OM

Glava mi kaže ovako: «Možeš
sa mnom nešto odlučiti, i biti uvjerena u to milion posto, samo daj. Stvarnost će
pokazati da nikako ne mogu biti u pravu, jer sve što se u meni zamišlja je samo
to – zamišljanje. Projekcije, izmišljanje, a ne istina, stvarnost. Stvarnost je
jedino tu gdje sam sada. A kako će izgledati za tren, glava ne može znati.»

Baš je taj um poput
kino projekcije, stalno gledaš neki novi film, za koji si vidio najavu, ali
film nije baš onakav kakvim ga je najava prikazala.

Kad gledaš filmove
ponovno, vraćanje u prošlost. Proživljavanje istih emocija, pred istim slikama.
S možda samo malim odmacima od kad si prvi put gledao to isto.

Glavi se čini da sve
razumije i da se napokon sve posložilo i jasno je kao odsjaj kapi vode pred
rano jutarnjim suncem. Već u slijedećem trenu, slika vodenih boja cijedi se kao
pod pljuskom, topimo se, raspadamo, nestajemo u bezdan. I ne vidimo ljepotu
praznog platna. Osjećamo prazninu, samoću, neizvjesnost. Bar malo boje da se
nađe ponovno na platnu, kako bi se glava mogla zaposliti s analizom nijansi zelene
boje, i planiranja slijedećeg poteza kistom.

Nikako da zatvorimo
oči, prestanemo tražiti boje, i umirimo se u unutrašnjem platnu, bez okvira,
bez ograničenih mogućnosti boja, veličina i oblika. U beskonačnim
kombinacijama, nepovezanim i neozbiljnim. Gdje je ples vječan, a ne samo dok se
platno ne ispuni, pa postane prepuno. Nakon nekoliko slojeva, boje se više ne
razaznaju, sve postaje jedna velika fleka, more nereda.

Zatvori oči. Pusti
kvragu i platno i boje, i iščekivanja, i nered, i pretjeranost. Opusti se u
beskonačno, pusti se u beskonačno, bez dna, bez vrha, bez bočnih stranica. I ne
boj se, nećeš nestati, samo ćeš raširiti krila i osjetiti istinsku slobodu.

OD-GOVOR-NOST

Slušam ljude što mi govore,
i čujem ih, mogu ih poslušati. Često nam se dogodi da poslušamo nekoga, i
kažemo: zeznuo nas je! Ma zeznuo si sam sebe. Ili si: 1. poslušao, jer je to
što je bilo rečeno u skladu s onim što i sam želiš ili 2. ne slušaš sebe i
daješ drugima moć da odlučuju umjesto tebe, a kad ti se ne svidi rezultat, koprcaš
se, i dalje ne preuzimaš odgovornost nego upireš prst u onoga kome si sam dao
moć.

Kako da onda bilo što
čvrsto odlučiš za sebe? Ikad? Nikako. Posveti se nečemu na neko vrijeme i vidi
što ti to donosi. A odluke donosi s istom upornošću i snagom s kojom iste te
odluke možeš od-odlučiti. Idi za nosom i odlukom, a ne mišlju i trenutnim osjećajem.
Možda negdje stigneš, možda ne.

Obično uzimamo
relativnost, i kažemo, eh, može biti ili tako ili tako, sve je to kružno i
relativno. Čak i tada relativnosti postavljamo granice, određujemo kako se
relativnost nalazi otprilike između dvije točke krajnosti koje pobijaju jedna
drugu. Još je mnogo mnogo mnogo točaka okolo, ali njih spretno ignoriramo, ostavljamo
u pozadini, pravimo se da ne postoje. Vidimo si svoj svijet onakvim kakvim ga
želimo vidjeti, ograničavamo si sami polje viđenja, i mislimo da smo nešto
shvatili. Donosimo velike i važne zaključke i osjećamo se ispunjeno i snažno.

Tko sam ja da kažem da
znam, ili ne znam. Tko sam ja da tebi kažem što jest ili nije? Jedino što mi se
čini da mogu podijeliti par riječi svog vlastitog zavaravanja. Kako bih se
osjećala da nešto razumijem i da sam došla do nekog zaključka koji može pomoći
drugima doći do svojih zaključaka. No, čini mi se da dijelimo prazne riječi,
uvjerenja koja ne vode nigdje. Veselimo se razrješavanjima, veselimo se kad
mislimo da znamo. Do slijedećeg trenutka, dok nam se «znanje» ne raspline
ispred očiju. Iznova i iznova mi se svaka riječ, svaka misao i svaki osjećaj da
nešto «znam» gubi s vidika i ostajem s pitanjima:

Što je ovo?

Gdje se to nalazim?

Kako to da mi se baš
ovo događa?

Mislila sam da nešto
znam, kako sada ovo?

 

SVE-MIRKO

Iznova i iznova se
vraćam nazad u stanje potpune zbunjenosti, iznenađenosti i na kraju krajeva, unutarnjoj
šutnji bez i najmanjeg zvuka i slike s kojom se mogu povezati i ponovno
zaključiti nešto što nije ni blizu istini. Da budem potpuno iskrena, u početku
mi je ta šutnja bila ružna, zatim zastrašujuća, nepoznata, mračna. Sada mi se
svaki puta sve lakše i jednostavnije pustiti se da me obavija bez da tražim
neki tračak spasa, nade, izbavljenja. Od čega da se izbavim? Straha od
ništavila? Ništavilom obično smatramo nešto u čemu nestanemo. Meni se baš čini
da je ništavilo ono u čemu se jedino možemo uistinu naći.

Gdjegod ti, ili ti um
bio, želim ti Mir.

________________________________________________________________________________

For two months, I have
obviously been ignoring writing. My deepest apologies. I cannot promise not to
repeat it. Life caught me in its swirl and it was hard to surface. I said it
before; the text just cannot resist to show up. But sometimes it sits inside,
in the poetic soul, not knowing how to get expressed.

 

POETRY

The poet is in today.
Here is a longer haiku:

White cover or no

Minus or plus

Rain or snow

There is always – air

I am in the craziest of
luck to be here, on this planet. Crazy luck. I would not like to be anywhere
else now. I would not wish to conquer new universes, discover particles, nor
know all the endless knowledge about the infinite creation. There are others
who can do this. I am only interested in what is inside. How the heart stirs.
Where the head is headingto? The inner Universe is so fascinating and
interesting, that all the other things can go round me, way round me. Just
closing my eyes and I am travelling. Vast space of mind, soul, consciousness enclosing
around emotions.

I am also travelling
by train, but at the time not too fascinated with different soaps, that flow in
rivers in German trains and get scraped in Croatian ones, giving away scarce
bits of hard soap.

LIFE, TAKE ME IN YOUR
DEEPEST PITS

WIND, CARRY ME ABOVE
THE CLOUDS

WHERE THEY ARE NO MORE

THEN LIFT ME ON WAVES
OF PARTICLES

TO INFINITY AND BACK

WITHOUT HAVING MOVED
AT ALL

TAKE MY SOUL ON A
JOURNEY AND NEVER EVER CEASE

All is blurred and
clear at the same time. What I am feeling is clear, as clear as on a sunny day,
but what I am thinking seems more and more like a fog falling over the crystal
shine of an emotion/inner sense. Knowledge is when you know something, but wisdom
is the moment you are using what you know, the Guru tells us. What I learn
slowly expresses itself on its own. Nothing happened with a plan, or by pushing.
Only once it is let go of. Let go of EVERYTHING. The effort we make to LET GO
OF EVERYTHING, is another obstacle to really letting go.

IN MY HEAD

My head says thus: “You
can use me to make a decision, and be convinced in it a million percent, just
go for it. Reality will show I cannot be right, because what is imagined with
me is only that – imagination. Projections, making up, not truth, not reality.
Reality is only there where I am now. How it will look in a moment from now,
the head cannot know.”

The mind is really so
much like a cinematic projection, you keep seeing a new film, that you might
have caught the trailer for, but the film is not as the trailer seemed to
present it as.

When you see the films
again, it is like going back to the past. Re-living the same emotions, facing
the same images. With just a little difference from when you saw it the first
time.

The head seems to
understand everything and how it finally all fell into place, and again it is
as clear as a reflection off a raindrop in the face of the early morning sun.
As soon as in the next moment, the watercolour painting starts dissolving like
under a rain shower, we melt, we fall apart, disappear into nothingness. Failing
to see the beauty of an empty canvas, we feel emptiness, loneliness, suspense.
Let there be just a stripe of colour on the canvas again, so the head can get
away by busying itself in analysing shades of green, planning the next brushstroke.

We seem never to close
our eyes, stop looking for any colours and be serene on the inner canvas, with
no frames, without a limited possibility of colours, sizes and forms, to find ourselves
in in endless combinations, random and without seriousness. Where the dancing
is infinite, not only visible for a while before the image is complete, and
becomes too multi-layered. After a few layers, one cannot even recognise the
colours, everything becomes nothing more than a blur, a sea of discord.  

Close your eyes. Leave the canvas and colours be, let the expectations, chaos
and overload cease to be. Relax into the infinite, let yourself fall into the
infinite, with no top, nor bottom, no sides. Do not be afraid, you will not
disappear, you just might spread your wings and feel true freedom.

RESPONS-ABILITY

I listen to people
speak, and hear them, I can also listen to them. We often get caught in
listening to someone and say: they tricked us! You tricked yourself, my dear.
You either: 1) listened to the suggestion, as it is in alignment what you
yourself wished, or 2) you do not listen to yourself, and give others the power
to decide instead of you, and once you do not like the result, you struggle and
keep not taking responsibility. You rather point your finger to the person you
gave power to yourself.

How can you make any firm
decision for yourself? Ever? No how. Dedicate to something for a while and then
see what it brings. Make short lived decisions with same determination and
strength with which you can undo them. Go after your sixth sense, not your
thoughts nor impermanent feelings. This might get you somewhere or it might not.

We usually hang on to
relativity and say, well, it can be like this or like that, it is all circular
and relative. Even then we pose limitations to where relativity is – usually
placing it in between two opposite points that counter each other. Not seeing
that there are many, many more points around, that we skilfully ignored, left
in the background and faked not to notice. We see the world as we wish to see,
limiting our field of vision, and think we came to a conclusion. We make big and
important conclusions and feel fulfilled and powerful.

Who am I to say I know
or do not know. Who am I to tell you what is or what is not? The only thing
that seems to me is that I can share a few words of my own delusions. In order
to feel I understand something and have come to a conclusion that can aid
others to come to theirs. At the same time, I feel we are exchanging empty
words, personal convictions that take us nowhere. We look forward to
resolutions, we are happy when we think we know. Until the next moment, when
the “knowledge” dissolves in front of our eyes, contradicting itself. Again and
again, every word, every thought and every feeling that I “know” gets out of
sight and I stay with the questions of:

What is this?

Where am I?

How come this is
really happening to me?

I thought I knew
something, how did this happen?

 

SPACE. THE FINAL FRONTIER.

Again and again I
return to the state of utter confusion, wonder and in the end, an inner silence
where there is not even a slightest sound or image that I can connect to, and
again conclude something that is not even close to the truth. To be frank, in
the beginning this silence was ugly, then intimidating, unknown, dark. Now I
find it easier to let it enclose me without struggling to search for a glimmer
of hope, of getting out. Delivering myself from what? The fear of nothingness?
We tend to take nothingness as something that we ourselves disappear in. Now,
it seems to me that nothingness is the one thing in which we can truly find
ourselves.

Wherever you, or your
mind is, I wish you Peace.