Idemo ispočetka. Htjela sam vam pisati o kontradiktornosti i kombinatorici novaca i božanske ljubavi. Htjela sam vam pisati o tome kako sam se prosvijetlila, a istovremeno se ne pomaknula s iste točke. Htjela sam vam pisati o malom čudu od djeteta čijeg života mogu, na sreću, biti mali dio. Htjela sam vam pisati o tome kako se ništa ne mijenja, ili kako se mijenja jako sporo, dok ne pogledam unazad i vidim da se sve turbo promijenilo. I možda ću vam pisati o svemu tome. Prvo vam želim pisati o nečem drugom. Već sam o tome govorila. Istina je ta da imam popis od 17 tema koje samo vrtim drugim rječnikom. Sada kada sam vam  otkrila duboko skrivene tajne bloga, naglo će opasti broj čitalaca – ova se samo ponavlja! No, nikada nije na odmet nešto ponoviti. Pogotovo ako imate memorijski kapacitet zlatne ribice i čini vam se kao da sve ovo čujete i čitate po prvi puta ikada. Da prijeđemo već jednom na tematiku:

Ono kad želiš da se nešto promijeni, i želiš to više od svega, i čini ti se da se to mora promijeniti. Eh, onda kada se promijeni – šok i nevjerica. Ajajajaj , nisam sigurna da sam htjela da se «baš tako» promijeni. Hmmmm.

Cijelo vrijeme od kada sam došla iz ashrama paničarim kako ne radim svoju dnevnu praksu kako treba. Uz to, već zadnjih pola godine ili duže, prije prelaska iz zakukuljenog svijeta u izloženi, su mi subjektivno slabe meditacije. Nemirna sam, ne «spavam» snom pravednika za vrijeme meditacije. Kažu ti na tečaju meditacije lijepo da ne prosuđuješ meditaciju subjektivnim ogledalom onoga što se događa za vrijeme same meditacije, već eventualno kako se osjećaš poslije ili u životu.

Svo to vrijeme dok sam imala niz «subjektivno neuspješnih» meditacija, to ništa nije utjecalo na moj svakodnevni rad, odmor, napor i tako dalje i bliže. No, u glavi je to bio veliki problem, bio je to period «neuspjeha». E jesam osvježila ovaj post «navodnicima».

Nadalje, od kad nisam u ashramu, radim vježbe disanja i meditaciju svaki dan, uz poneku iznimku. Jedino što se promijenilo je to da nije svaki dan isto. Uvijek radim nešto malo drugačije, nečeg više, nečeg manje, ubacujem i izbacujem yogu, dodatne pranayame, chantove i bla bla. Uglavnom, kratki spoj nastaje sa stavljanjem etikete na to što je to uspješna, a što neuspješna dnevna praksa jedne joginke. Navika nalaže jedno, stvarnost nešto potpuno drugo.

I treća stvar, možda najvažnija zabluda, jest to da kad sve ove stvari radim koje radim, onda duhovno «napredujem». I radim praksu radi toga – duhovnog napretka. S tom namjerom. Radim yogu zato da bi mi meditacija bila dublja. Najbolje bi bilo kad bih imala taj neki prekidač kojeg kliknem, i eto «dubokog meditativnog iskustva» na vratanca. Jupi! Ali nije tako, vidim da nije. Meditiram već godinama, i uvijek je drugačije. I nije nužno puno bolje kad sam meditirala više ili manje ili ovako ili onako. Također, svijet meditacije kao da je nešto odvojeno od stvarnosti. «Tamo» idem na regeneraciju, samo u posebnim prilikama, na poseban način, točno tako i tako. Tko je postavio embargo na stapanje meditativnog iskustva i stvarnosti? Sa Sri Srijem zadnjih godina se često meditira otvorenih očiju. (Pretpostavljam) kako bi iskusio taj međuprostor sklada vanjskog i unutarnjeg svijeta. Kako oni surađuju, djeluju istovremeno. Dođeš na tečaj meditacije, bude ti divno i krasno. Iskustva duboka, boje prekrasne, osjećaš mir, nemaš misli. Aha, koliko dugo? Dok ne kročiš korakom na stanicu od vlaka i netko malo glasnije poviče. Gdje mi je sva ta meditacija otišla, ništa to ne valja, ne pomaže!

Sad je vrijeme za pomak. Poželim duhovno napredovati, i imati još «dublja» iskustva. I onda, uz pomoć duše, Stvoritelja, dobrog učitelja i ThetaHealing-a shvatim kako imati «dublje» iskustvo znači, ne može biti jednostavnije – uistinu živjeti život. S onom pažnjom s kojom promatram dah u nosnicama kako ulazi i izlazi, s istom tom pažnjom promatrati svijet, biti prisutan svakim korakom, svakim udahom, svakom rječju.

Nije mi se to svidjelo. Htjela sam zlatnu formulu, obećanje da ne moram nikad ništa ni u čemu uložiti nikakav trud, a kamoli nešto promijeniti. I taman se lijepo uljuljkam u svoju vlastitu životnu priču: živiš u jednom gradu, našla si dobar način da radiš svoju posebnu duhovnu praksu, obitelj ti je blizu, posao radiš. I to je sada to. Krasno. Evo ga, život! I to je sve? Jedva sam dočekala da imam sve «posloženo», i te sekunde kada sam osjetila da je sve posloženo izvana, uslijedio je sljedeći trenutak. Onaj koji mi govori da se tek sada ništa nije posložilo. Želim li iznova i iznova živjeti u identičnoj sigurnosti u kojoj se naizgled osjećam dobro? Dok iznutra gori požar koji spaljuje svaku naznaku ustaljenosti? Uistinu bih iz dubine duše željela da me život šamara, da me vraća na «pravu stazu» koja je najbolja za mene. I te iste sekunde kada to napravi, uistinu iz dubine duše se želim vratiti na svoju sigurnu sporednu cesticu koja ne vodi nikuda, ali ima spremnu ležaljku razapetu između dva stabla. Malo da čamim. Ne žuri mi se nikud.

Grande zaključak je da treba živjeti život. A ne živjeti «duhovni» život i «svjetovni» život. Živimo «život»!

Hehe.

Baš bi bilo lijepo tu stati, vizualno i sadržajno. ALI. Ne ide. Ima toga još ovdje gore u glavurdi za podijeliti. Ili? Možda je vrijeme za promjene. Stoga, doviđenjce. 

P.S. Nakon 7 godina bivanja ženom s kosom, evo me, žena s manje kose.

Let us take it from the top. I wanted to write you about the combinations that money and divine love create. I wanted to write to you how I got enlightened, and yet have not moved an inch. I wanted to write to you about the little miracle of a child, whose life I can luckily be a small part of. I wanted to write you how nothing changes, or changes so slowly, until I look back and see how everything has indeed changed a lot. I might write about all this. First I want to write you about something else. Something I have spoken about before. The truth is that I have a list of 17 topics I keep recycling, just changing the vocabulary a bit. Now that I discovered the deep secrets of the blog, the number of readers will suddenly drop – she keeps repeating herself! It is never so bad to repeat something again. Specially when one has a memory capacity of a goldfish and it seems that all this is heard and read for the first time ever. OK, let us move on to the topic: 

That feeling when you wish for something to change and you wish it more than anything, and it seems to you it must change. Then, when it actually does change, shock and disbelief follow. Ayayay, I am not so sure this is how I wanted it all to change. Hmmmm.

This entire time since leaving the ashram, I have been in panic how my daily practice is not going right. Along with that, around six months or more, before shifting from the cocooned world into the exposed one, my meditations are subjectively weaker. I am restless, I do not go into a “deep sleep-like” experience during the meditations. They do tell you in the meditation course that a subjective mirror will not show the reality of what really does happen during meditation, but you can rather judge it by how you feel later or generally in life. 

As I kept having a series of “subjectively unsuccessful” meditations, it has not affected my daily work, rest, efforts etc. Though, the head saw this as a big issue, an “unsuccessful” period. I really decorated this post with “quotes”.

Further to that, since not staying in the ashram, I kept doing my breathing exercises and meditation every day, with occasional exceptions. The only thing that changed is that the practice is not always the same. I keep doing something a little different every day, more of something, and less of something else, doing or not doing more yoga, extra pranayams, chanting and so on. Mostly the short circuit in by brain occurs when I put labels on what is successful and what is unsuccessful daily practice of a yogi. Habit says one, reality says something else.   

A third thing, maybe the greatest delusion is, when doing these things, then I am “spiritually advancing”. This is why I do the practice, to spiritually advance. With that intention. I do more yoga, so I can have a deeper meditation. It would be excellent to have a switch to click and there it is, a “deep meditative experience” at my doorstep. Yay! But it is not like that, I can see it is not. I have been meditating for a few years now and it is always different. It is not necessarily always much better to meditate more or less or in this or another way. Also, the meditation world seems to be something separate from reality. I go “there” to regenerate, only at special occasions, in an exact and particular way. 

Who put an embargo on fusion of a meditative experience and reality? Sri Sri has been doing these open-eyes meditations in the last years. (Supposing) to experience the space in between, where the inner and outer world are in harmony. How they cooperate and act simultaneously. You come and do a meditation course, and you have a lovely time. The experience is truly deep, the colours are magnificent, you feel peace, have no thoughts. Right. For how long? Until you step on the train station and someone yells a little louder. Where has all the meditation gone, it is not working, it does not help at all!

Now is the time for a shift. I wish to progress on the spiritual path, and have “deeper” experiences. And then, with a little assistance from the soul, the Creator, a good teacher and ThetaHealing, I understood how to have a “deeper” experience means, and it cannot get simpler, to truly live life. With the attention we put on our nose following the breath coming in and out, to observe the world, to be present with every step, every breath, every word.

I did not like it at first. I wanted a golden formula, a promise I never need to put any effort into anything, let alone change something. Just as I find myself comfortably set into my own life story: living in one city, family close by, working. And that is it. Lovely. There it is, life! That is it? I hardly waited to have everything “set up” and the same moment I felt all is in its place on the outside, the next moment arrived. The next moment that tells me nothing fell into place. Would I willingly choose to live in the identical security that is seemingly making me feel good? While on the inside there is a fire lit that burns every wisp of steadiness?

I would truly from the depth of my soul wish for life to slap me, putting me back on the “right track” that is best for me. The same second when it does, truly from the depth of my soul I wish to go back to my safe side-road that takes me nowhere, but has a hammock set in between two trees. Let me hang out for a bit. I am in no hurry. 

The Grand Conclusion is that life is to be lived. Not to live the “spiritual” life nor the “worldly life”. Let us live “life”!

Hehe.

This would be a nice place to stop, visually and content-wise. BUT. It is a no go. There is much more up here in my head to share. Or? Maybe it is time for more changes. So, so long.

P.S. After seven long years of being a woman with hair, here I am, a woman with a bit less hair.