Ništa nije onakvo kakvim se čini. Kaže divan Yoga učitelj (Yogacharya Krishanji Verma, za one koje zanima): “Ti živiš u svom umu. Drži svoju kuću čistom. Ono kako se osjećaš je tvoja odgovornost. Ako kuća gori, što ćeš napraviti prvo? Ugasiti požar, onda misliti kako i zašto je nastao.” Obično prvo razglabamo na dugo i na široko o tome što, kako i zašto gori, a kada je kuća (um) već izgorila do temelja, onda kažemo: kuća je izgorila, kako to? Zašto me Bog kažnjava?

Tako je moja kuća izgorila.

Sad provodim vrijeme pitajući se kako i zašto, a zapravo samo trebam udariti nove temelje. Materijala za gradnju mi ne nedostaje, samo mi je odgađanje vrhunska odlika – uvijek bila.

Ne znam zašto, ali uvijek imam bar jednu neriješenu stvar koje nikako da se primim. Samo tu jednu. Nekad je to pitanje pola sata ili čak 15 minuta vremena, ali jednostavno stoji na listi kao nenapravljeno i ne miče se. Kao neko privatno mučenje sebe nedovršenošću, a druge neodrađenim zadatkom.

To mi je kao neka navika.

Fora u životu u ashramu je da se svaki propust i odgađanje dobro naplati. Ne bih znala to opisati točnije, ali ću se potruditi: kad u ashramu nešto ne napraviš odmah, jednostavno ti se ta karma sruči na glavu isto tako odmah. Zato jednostavno ništa više ne odgađaš. Toliko je toga za napraviti, ako odgodiš, nećeš spavati, a ako ne spavaš kako treba, onda ćeš to dosta teško nadoknaditi. Onda ti tek nema spasa, moraš se debelo potruditi da se izvučeš iz tog polu-nebuloznog stanja.

Stvarno je velika razlika života u ashramu i vani. Pogotovo nakon par godina života u ashramu. Život te tjera u situacije koje ti se nikako ne sviđaju i onda sve ono što si u ashramu naučio, kao da dolazi na test. Odugovlačiš? Okej, sada će ti se pružiti prilika da odugovlačiš koliko hoćeš, pa ti poslije plaćaj sve duplo. I naravno, sve je ovo još jedna škola, da ispočetka, opet i opet iznova naučim i shvatim da je sve što se dogodilo bilo savršeno da bih shvatila poantu. Nekada traje dosta dugo dok ne skužim.

S jedne strane, učim da ono što ne želim raditi i s čim se uopće ne osjećam ugodno, treba mijenjati, definitivno mijenjati. A dok se stvari ne promijene, ono što jest, treba biti odrađeno kao da mi je najdraže na svijetu. S guštom.

Najnovija mi je yoga maya (ono što brijem da znam, a vrlo vjerovatno sam totalno u zabludi, što ću otkriti tek kasnije kad sve bude gotovo) da želim napraviti nešto novo i po prvi puta potpuno samostalno i odgovorno krenuti za sebe i druge. Naravno, do sada sam odgovorno uvijek radila sve što mi je bilo rečeno, a sada mijenjam ploču. Ili bar brijem da mijenjam ploču, to ostaje za vidjeti. Idem u samostalno. Nije to skroz samostalno, ali manje ovisnički. Pošto sam, suprotno mišljenju vrlo vjerovatno svake osobe na ovoj planeti koja me iole poznaje – poslušna. Jesam. Jer se bojim sama. A pošto sam poslušna, onda stalno radim što drugi žele, no istovremeno sam vrlo samoživa (nisam sasvim sigurna što ova riječ točno znači, ali izgleda dobro i osjećam da je prava za ovaj kontekst), uglavnom – vrlo samostalna i živa, a pod tuđom paskom. Što dovodi do konstantnog konflikta u meni samoj i između mene i drugih.

Ja bih da se svi brinu za mene kao za malo dijete, a istovremeno imam potrebu sve samostalno. Daj mi da hodam sama, ali ipak budi tu da me pridržavaš, jer ne želim pasti, ALI pusti me, ja ću SAMA! I onda sam nigdje. Borim se s drugima, sa samom sobom i nikako promijeniti obrazac. Strah me, prestrah išta započeti sama, i potpuno biti odgovorna za svoj uspjeh/neuspjeh. Strah me kao komarac pauka, za život. I kada se približim nekoj samostalnosti, kao mala beba stavljam palac u usta (samo figurativno, iako sam dosta dugo kao dijete sisala palac, pa i nije daleko od istine) i mazim dekicu za utjehu (to da, DOSLOVNO!). Umirem od straha. Tko će me spasiti ako sve sjebem (isprike na jeziku, psovke nekad jednostavno predobro zvuče da bi se preskočile – i evo, iskupljujem se jednom lijepom rječju: smokva, suha)? Čista panika.

Onda se malo pokunjim, budem dobra, vratim se sigurnosti, poslušnosti, podređenosti. Šutim, radim. I ajmo, sve ispočetka. Ne mogu biti poslušna, jer u meni gori vatra koja ako se ne izrazi, izgara unutra (po riječima jednog vedskog astrologa, jyotishija). Prži me, pali, gura van mojih granica. Tada opet STRAH, mamice, spasi me!

Tek mi je 35, ili već! Kako ću dalje? Brinem se, vidim, osjećam da mogu više i bolje, a spriječena. Ispričavam se, spriječena sam izaći iz svoje komfor zone, ako bi mi, molim vas, samo ovaj put ispričnicu dali, evo samo jednom. Koliko sam se nakupila ispričnica, to je čudo jedno. U pravom smislu riječi. Jednom mi je trebala ispričnica za tri mjeseca izostanaka na faksu, da ne padnem godinu. Rekla sam doktorici da sam imala bronhitis, pa da sam se poslije opet prehladila, i žena mi je, Bože Sveti joj oprosti, dala ispričnicu za nekoliko datuma, zbrajajući se u tri mjeseca sve skupa, a tada sam još bila skoro skroz zdrava.

I tako skupljam ispričnice. Ovog puta imam baš dobru u rukavu. Štitnjača mi ne radi kako treba. Nešto se usporila, ne proizvodi te neke supstance za koje je zaslužna, pa se zbog toga osjećam umorno, letargično, depresivno, promjene raspoloženja itd. Štitnjača mi je ispričnica! A kako je došla štitnjača, koju zovem čičnjača od milja, skraćeno Čiči. Čiči ne sluša više nikog i istrošila se i poremetila, jer je nisam pazila. Jela sam BUREK. Burek je najgora droga, kombinacija jaja (hrane za piliće), svježeg kravljeg sira (koji sadrži neke krive proteine koje ljudi teško probavljaju) i glutena (žvake za crijeva). Pila sam KAVU, o da, taj otrov modernog društva koji označava pad svake Yogini koja drži do sebe. Spavala sam u 12 sati navečer, aha, propuštala ona najvažnije dva sata sna između 10 i 12 navečer. I najgore od SVEGA – bijeli ubojica – ŠEĆER!

Kako još sam pomogla Čiči da mi složi ispričnicu?

Ovo je moj način da kažem da sam odgovorna za svoje zdravstveno stanje. Za svoje životno stanje. Za svoje poslovno i financijsko stanje.
Oduvijek sam bila neka mimozica. Od malena “patim” od anemije, pa sam imala niz nekakvih kroničnih upala sinusa, bronhitisa, gastritis, manjak vitamina, bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Ah da, i moj najdraži, Gilbertov sindrom (povećana proizvodnja bilirubina u jetri, kao mala žutica), i naravno, neizbježna polu-epilepsija, ili kako mi je teta doktorica jednom tako lijepo objasnila: kada živiš neuredno, neuroni (oni u glavi) ti “malo polude”. Sve to skupa je recept za boležljivicu koja se mora ekstra paziti i živjeti pod staklenim zvonom, te raditi na tome da ojača. A što ja napravim? Od 12.-e do 23.-e živim kao da sam Hulk Hogan, drogiram se, pijem, jedem sranja. Okej, što je bilo – bilo je. Ne žalim se, samo konstatiram. Tako je bilo (nekad davno). Poslije mi je trebalo nekih pet godina da se potpuno oslobodim svih tih kakica droze, alkohola, nespavanja, i prehrambenih navika zvanih sendvič za doručak, ručak i večeru i dođem do nekog relativno discipliniranog načina života koji mi zapravo sam po sebi čini dobro. I ne opterećuje me ta discipliniranost, dapače, osjećam se PUNO bolje. Zar ne?

ALI, uvijek neki mali vražićak kaže: ajde samo jedan kolač, neće ti biti ništa. Nije to fašistička discipliniranost, to je samo mala promjena u svakodnevici. Više voća. U ashramu kad nisam jela šećer, bih iscjedila litru soka od naranče, popila naiskap, piškila narančasto, i bila sretna i zadovoljna mjesec dana. Ništa mi nije falilo. I taj kolač bi bio okej, da je samo taj jedan. Ne ide tako kod mene. Ili sve ili ništa je moja igra. Jedan kolač znači: daj i taj čips, idemo gledati serije do tri ujutro!

Doznala sam svašta o svom zdravlju nedavno. Jedna od stvari je da kad jedem što mi ne paše, ako ne mogu probaviti kako treba, taj isti dan me zaboli glava. Povezano je to sve, druga i šesta čakra. Druga se muči, šesta pati.  

A još pogotovo što mi je sav životni rad povezan usko s pomaganjem drugima da žive zdravije, sretnije i kvalitetnije, trebala bih živjeti kao primjer da se sve to o čemu pričam može. Da ThetaHealing pomaže da se riješe obrasci, AKO JE RADIŠ. Da imaš više energije, AKO KORISTIŠ izvore energije kako treba, pogotovo DAH. Koristiš ga kao punjač za svoje baterije. I radim ja to sve, ali mogla bih VIŠE!

Eh, sad bi netko rekao da pretjerujem. I mnogi to misle. Što je krivo u tome da pojedeš kolač, da popušiš pljugu, da nekada ideš spavati kasnije? Zato što sve to dolazi na naplatu. Ništa ne prolazi lišo. I svatko ima svoje granice discipline. Za nekoga je disciplina vježbati svaki dan, za nekoga piti cijeđeni sok ujutro, za nekoga dva sata teretane tjedno, za neke terapija bilo koje vrste. Svatko ima neku svoju jedinstvenu disciplinu, i ako je se ne drži – plati svoj iznos. Boli srce, boli duša, boli stomak. Život postaje sranje.

I što nije cilj uvijek biti bolji, a ne se jedva držati na površini, jedva malo da se ne utopiš. Što nije cilj prsnim plivanjem dovoljno ojačati i doći do leptira?

Tko ne bi htio biti bolji, jači, bogatiji, korisniji?

Kako je to savršeno opisao isti učitelj s početka teksta, parafraziram “Duhovni put je jednostavan poput podizanja kamena. Toliko je sve jednostavno, ali teško. I da, moraš ojačati kako bi podignuo kamen”. Vježbaš ponovno i ponovno i ponovno i ponovno. Vrati se sebi, opet i opet.

Eto, tako i ja, ponovno i ponovno. Shvaćam da je jedina kočnica koju čuvam u glavi ludoj. Tijelo je nepresušni izvor mogućnosti, to sam sada uvidjela ponovno. Um se samo promatranjem može potpuno zanemariti i uroniti u stanje SVEmogućnosti. Jesam, aha, dobro si pročitala/pročitao – SVEmoguća, kao Gospodin Bog. Jer jesam, jer jesi, jer jesmo, jer jest. Priroda, mi, svemir, sve je jedna energija, izražena u različitim bojama. Kao bijela svjetlost kad prođe kroz prizmu i pokazuje dugine boje. Isto tako. Jedna energija kroz različite prizme se prikazuje različitom, a u biti je sve jedno te ista.

Samo kad pustiš um se nemoguće ostvaruje. Samo tada. Inače vrlo rijetko ili nikada. Ili čak i tada, rijetko, nenamjerno prevaziđeš ilitiga transcendiraš, ili odeš ONKRAJ uma, i dogodi se nemoguće.

Tako ću ja sada raditi intenzivno na tome da ne slušam više te neprekidne smetnje, to šuškanje uma, već da samo djelujem iz područja punih baterija. Prvo moram dovesti Čiči u red, polako, ali sigurno. Uzimam sve što sam pročitala na Internetu da pomaže za Hipo Čiči: selen i lugolovu otopinu (liječenje jodom), te biljke po preporuci Ayurvedske doktorice (kanchanara), i još moram dodati domaći recept – svaki dan jedan prst debeo i velik list biljke čuvarkuće.

Zatim jačanje tijela, jačanje uma, svakodnevni trening – fizikala, i disanje, te ThetaHealing tretmani. Odrađivanje svega što volim, želim i znam da radi. I radim ja sve to, ali može JOŠ VIŠE.

Pomalo pomalo pomalo i narast ću velika. Obećajem Si. Ne da mi se više dva koraka naprijed, jedan nazad. Dosadilo mi. S novim entuzijazmom i snagom kročim dalje. Veselo radim sve što mi se inače ne da. Govorim “da”. Sjetim se da svaki puta kada krivim sebe ili nekog drugog, imati ljubavi i suosjećanja za greške. Mijenjam što želim mijenjati, kada bude pravo vrijeme za to, bez brzinskog forsiranja, ali i bez odgode. O, da.

Ako želiš znati više detalja, ako te zanima, ako želiš, ako slučajno postoji jedan mali upitnik u tvojoj glavi o tome što je to o čemu pričam, i kako živim. Malo pitanjce? Pitaj me, ne nedostaje mi riječi koje bih s Tobom podijelila. A i imam te neke papire na kojima piše da sam kvalificirana za neke te stvari, ako te baš zanima. Eto, vrata  moje kuće su otvorena, dođi, popit ćemo čaj. Ili sok od naranče.

__________________________________________________________________

Nothing is what seems to be. Says the amazing Yoga teacher (Yogacharya Krishanji Verma, for those who wish to know): “You live in your mind. Keep your house clean. What you feel like is your responsibility. If the house is on fire, what will you do first? Put out the fire, then think of what and how it came to be. Once the house has already burned to the ground, then we say: the house burned down, how come? Why is God punishing me?

That is how my house burned down.

Now I spend time wondering how and why, but really, I just need to set new foundations. Building material is not scarce, but the only high-level quality I always had is procrastination.

I still do not know why, but I always keep at least one thing unsolved that never seems to come on top of the to-do list. Just that one. Sometimes it is a matter of half an hour or even as long as 15 minutes, but it just stays there as unresolved and does not budge. Like some private torture of the unfinished, and for others a pending task.

It seems to be like a habit.

The trick about the ashram life is that every time you miss out on something or delay it, the price is high. I would not know how to explain this more accurately, but I will do my best: in the ashram if you do not do things immediately, that karma falls on your head at the same speed – instantaneously. That is why you just do everything now. There are so many things to do, that if you delay it, you will not sleep another time, and if you do not sleep properly, you will find it hard to make it up. Then you are done. You have to really make an effort to come out of that sleepless state of being.

There is really quite a difference in living in the ashram and living outside of it. Especially after a few years of living in the ashram. Life pushes you more into situations you really do not like and then everything you were taught in the ashram seems to boomerang back as a test. You are procrastinating? Okay, now you will be given the opportunity to procrastinate as much as you want to, so you can pay up double later. Of course, all this is just another school, for me to learn and figure out again and again that everything what occurred is perfectly set up for me to get the point. Sometimes I take a long time to get the point.

On one hand, I am learning that what I do not want to do and what I do not feel good about at all, need to change, definitely needs to change. Until things do change, what is there needs to be done like it is my favourite job. With gusto.

My latest yoga maya (what I think I know, but am most probably quite wrong about, what I will discover at a later time when it will already be over) is that I wish to do something new, and for the first time in my life, completely independently and responsibly go into something for myself, and for others included. Till now I have responsibly always done what I was told to do, but now I am changing the tape. Or at least this is what I think I am doing, it yet remains to be seen. I am going solo. Not completely independently, but less dependable. As I am, opposite to the opinion of probably every individual on this planet who knows me even a bit – obedient. I am. Because I am too frightened to do things on my own. Because I am obedient, I keep doing what others want me to do, but simultaneously I am so independent and fiery, yet under someone. That takes me to a constant inner conflict and conflict between myself and others around me.
I want everyone to take care of me like they would of a child, but at the same time I have the need to do everything on my own. Let me walk on my own, but hold me still, because I do not want to fall down, BUT let me be, I will do it ALONE! Then I end up nowhere. I keep fighting others, and myself with no hope of changing the pattern. I get so scared, terrified of doing anything on my own, to be fully responsible for my own success/failure. I am scared like a mosquito is of a spider, for dear life. When I come close to any kind of independence, like a baby, I stick my finger in my mouth (only figuratively, but not so far from the truth, as I kept sucking my thumb for far too long as a kid) and cuddle with my blanket to feel safe (LITERALY! ). I am dying out of fear. Who will save me if I end up being a fuck up? (Excuse my language, by swear words sometimes transfer the emotion too well, I can show remorse by saying a nice word like: fig, dried figs). Pure panic.

Then I bend my head down, behave well, go back to safety and security and obedience and under others. I keep quiet, I work. And then again, from the top. I cannot be obedient for too long. In the words of a Vedic astrologer (jyotishi), a fire in me burns, and if it is not allowed to spread out, it burns me on the inside. It scorches, pushing me out of my comfort zone boundaries. Then again FEAR, mommy, save me!

I am only 35, or already? How to continue? I worry, and see, and feel I can do more and better, but feel bound. I make excuses, prevented from coming out of my comfort zone, if you could excuse me just this once? How many times have I found excuses, it is quite miraculous. In reality. Once I needed a doctor’s excuse for not being at University for three months, not to fail. I told my doctor I had bronchitis and then again caught a heavy cold, and the woman, God forgive her, gave me a written excuse for dates that added up to three months absence. At the time, I was almost completely healthy.

That is how I keep collecting excuses. This time I have a really good one. My thyroid is not working how it should. It slowed down, not producing what it is made to, so I keep feeling tired, lethargic, a bit depressed and moody etc. My thyroid is my new excuse! And how did the Thyroid come to pass, I gave her a nickname in Croatian, Čiči (read like Chi Chi). Chichi does not listen to anyone anymore, she feels drained and is out of balance, because I did not take good care of her. I ate BUREK (cheese pie, google it if you have not eaten it, then eat it). Burek is the worst kind of drug, a combination of eggs (baby chicks’ food), cottage cow cheese (that contains some kind of indigestible protein for people) and gluten (a chewing gum effect for the big bowel). I drank COFFEE, oh yes, the modern society’s poison that marks the downfall of any self-respectful Yogini. I slept at 12 every night, yes, I did, missing out on the highest quality sleep between 10 and 12 in the evening. And last but not least and worst of ALL of the above – the white killer – SUGAR!

What other ways have I helped ChiChi to create an excuse?

This is my way of saying I am responsible for my health’s state. For my life’s state. For my business and financial state. I have always been a bit of a delicate flower. Since an early age, I “suffered” from anaemia, then a series of chronic conditions like sinusitis, bronchitis, gastritis, lack of vitamins and blah blah blaaaaaaaaaaah. Ah yes, and my favourites, Gilbert’s syndrome (increased production of bilirubin in the liver, like a sort of small jaundice), and of course, the inevitable semi-epilepsy condition, or how my doctor once nicely explained: when you do not take proper care of how you live your life, the neurons (in my head!) go a bit “crazy”. All this is a cute recipe for a sickly kid who needs to take extra care and live under a glass cover, and obviously work on becoming stronger. What I did? Spent age 12 to 23 pretending to be Hulk Hogan, taking drugs, boozing and eating crap. Good, what happened – happened. I am not complaining, just stating the obvious. That is how it was (long time passed). Later it took me around 5 years to completely free myself of all the crappy drugs, alcohol, lack of sleep and diet habits that can be simply put into sandwich for breakfast, sandwich for lunch and sandwich for dinner. It took me that long to come to a relatively disciplined lifestyle that does me good. The discipline is not hard for me, on the contrary, it makes me feel MUCH better. Does it not?

BUT, the little devil always comes up to say: come on, only one piece of cake, nothing will happen. The discipline I have is not of the fascist kind. Just more fruits included. In the ashram, when I was off sugar completely, I would make a litre of freshly squeezed orange juice, drank it in one go, pee orange and be happy and satisfied a month’s worth. That one cake would be fine, if it were the one. With me it is a game of all or nothing. One cake means: give me those crisps, let us watch TV series till 3AM!

I found out many cool things about my health recently. Like when I eat what does not agree with my body, and cannot digest what I had, I get a migraine the same day. It is all connected, the second and sixth chakra. The second struggles, the sixth suffers for it.

Especially having my life’s efforts involved with helping others to live healthier, happier and of more quality, I should be a good example for all that I talk of. That ThetaHealing® helps break patterns, IF YOU DO THE PRACTICE. That you have more energy IF YOU USE the sources of energy properly, especially the BREATH. You use it as a personal battery charger. I actually do all this, but I could do MORE!

Well, no some people might say I am over-doing it, and many think it. What is wrong in eating cake, having a smoke, going to sleep later at times? Because you need to pay when you cross your boundaries. Nothing goes without charging. For one person, a discipline is to exercise every day, for some it is to have one freshly squeezed juice in the morning, for some two hours of gym per week, for some therapy of any kind.

Everyone has their own unique discipline, and if they do not keep it – it comes with a fee. The heart hurts, the soul hearts, the stomach hurts. Life becomes a bit crappy.

Is not the goal to always progress, not to hardly keep your head above water, to barely keep from drowning? Is not the goal to practice the breast stroke until you become strong enough to swim the butterfly?

Who would not want to be better, stronger, more useful?

How perfectly put by the same teacher from the beginning of this text, in my words: “The spiritual path is simple as lifting a stone. It is that simple, but hard. And yes, you need to become stronger in order to lift it”. You exercise again and again and again and again and again. Come back to yourself again and again.

So, that is how I do it, again and again. I understand that the only break I keep pressing is in my own silly mind. The body is an unending source of possibilities, that is something I saw again now. The mind can be completely ignored by observing it and dive into a state of ALL-mightiness. Yes, aha, you read it well – ALL-mighty, like the Lord God. As I am, as you are, as we are, as is. Nature, we, universe, all is one energy, expressed in different colours. Like the white light once coming through the prism, showing rainbow colours. In that same way. One energy showing itself as different through different prisms, yet being one and the same.  

Only when you let the mind go, the impossible comes true. Otherwise, very rarely, or even never. Even then, rarely, unintentionally, you overcome, transcend or go BEYOND the mind, and the impossible happens.

So will I intently work on not listening to the unceasing botheration, the rattling of the mind and act from a space of filled batteries. First, I need to bring ChiChi back in balance, slowly but surely. I am recklessly taking everything the Internet told me is good for the hypo thyroid: selenium and Lughole’s solution (iodine treatment), and plants on the recommendation of the Ayurveda doctor (kanchanara) and one more local recipe is to be added – one finger thick and long homekeeper? Leaf.

Then strengthening the body, the mind, daily training – physical, then breathing and ThetaHealing® treatments. Doing everything I love, want to do and know works. I actually do all these things, but I can do EVEN MORE.

Slowly, slowly, slowly, I will grow big. I promise Myself. I do not want to take two steps forward and one back. I am bored of it. With a new enthusiasm and strength, I step forward. I do what I normally resist with joy. I say: Yes. I remind myself when I blame myself or others, to have compassion for mistakes with love. I change what I want to change, when the time for it is ripe, without forcing rapidly, but without much daily as well. Oh, yeah.

If you wish to know more into detail, if you are interested or want to know, if there is possibly a small question mark in your mind about what I speak about, and how I live. A tiny question in there? Ask me, I do not lack words I would like to share with You. I also have a few shiny papers that say I am qualified, if you really wanted to know. There you go, the doors of my house are open, come, we can have tea. Or an orange juice.