I put some random links mostly in the Croatian text, feel free to click away. Photos have nothing to do with the topic. It’s summer, it’s punk, we’re fooling around.

PA TO JE, JEBI GA; LJUBAV (NIŠTA BEZ POLITIKE)

Posljednjih mjeseci, van uobičajenog, treniram autoritet, unutarnju snagu i uspjeh. No ipak je najaktualnija tema uvijek ljubav. Općenito, ovako, u svijetu. Pored politike, ljubav je prva. Politika podrazumijeva stanje u državi, stanje u džepu, društveni odjek na ta stanja, zatim kako to sve utječe na zdravlje. Dakle ljubav je prva, nakon politike, financija, društva i zdravlja. Uvijek prva. Jedan pametni čovjek (moja mama rekla da govori pametne stvari, a to je mjerodavno), gosp. Ravi Shankar, napomenuo je jednom kako sve što radimo, radimo iz ljubavi. Ako se ljutimo, ljutimo se na nešto što nam ne dopušta da volimo, ili uznemiruje nekog koga volimo, ili remeti situaciju ili stvar koju volimo. Suma sumarum – i politiku volimo, zato se na nju ljutimo. To je moja osobna formula logike, koja se nužno ne slaže sa stvarnošću, niti filozofskim pravilima igre.

Politika je ono o čemu mislimo, a sve ostalo je ono što volimo, pa nas muči. Kad je srce puno, onda je sve drugo potpuno sporedno. Netko mi je ispričao kako je grupa ljudi na radionici napravila eksperiment. Iz toga je proizašlo kako osoba bira od koga će nešto kupiti isključivo na temelju osjećaja. Nema veze s kvalitetom predstavljanja proizvoda. Ako ti se osoba svidi, sve ćeš joj previdjeti. Ako ti se ne sviđa, može biti savršeni predstavnik proizvoda, a ti ode u drugi dućan.

Kad je srce puno?! Ne stalno. Većinom ima neke rupe koje pokušava popuniti hranom, drogom, televizijom, površnim razgovorima. Kad se privremeno punjenje isprazni, rupe su i dalje na svom mjestu, neispunjene, praaaazne.

OPSESIJA JE MOJA PROFESIJA

Moje srce puni se privremenim opsjednutostima. Repetitivnim radnjama koje me furaju, koje ne mogu da zaustavim. Pogotovo kad sam u filmu otkrivanja neke nove glazbe. Droga! Slučajno negdje naletim na neki spot, pjesmu, beat, preporuku. Doduše, svaki dan slušam dosta glazbe, i sve što koristim na mobitelu i kompjuteru me stalno obavještava o novoj glazbi, spotovima itd. Imam nos za novu muziku. A kad nađem nešto što mi se svidi, a joj. Danima, danima, danima non-stop slušam, čitam, skidam, tražim – sve. Još odmalena mi je najatraktivniji dio neke glazbe razumijevanje kreativnog procesa. Sa Žen-om sad odrastala dok su i one odrastale, i mijenjale se. Probe ili snimanja su mi uvijek bili neusporedivo zanimljiviji događaji od koncerata. Sve od slaganje opreme, do namještanja zvuka, preko razgovora i stanja uma prije koncerta mi je uvijek bilo čak važnije od same svirke. I svirke su super, daleko od toga. Ali ovo sve drugo je jednako važno, ako ne i malko uzbudljivije. Ući u psihologiju stvaranja, promatrati što sve i kako utječe na kreativni proces. Odnosi među ljudima, stanje uma, trud koji se ulaže… Fascinantno.

Tako kad otkrijem nešto novo, ulazim u srž SVEGA što je/su ikad stvorili, napisali, objavili. Ako toga nema puno, brzo dosađuje.

GLAZBA – SVIJET ZA MENE

Muziku ne čini samo glazba, čini je sve što je okružuje. I tu živi moja ljubav (opsjednutost?). Skrivena želja mi je svirati s ljudima, i više pjevati, više plesati, više svirati. Ali nekako me sram, i mislim da nisam dovoljno dobar muzičar/pjevač/pjesnik, pa se u sebi molim da slučajno ne naletim na nekog tko bi me trpio i stvarao sa mnom. Sanjam da će to ujedno biti i osoba mog života koja će me bezuvjetno podržavati u svakom oduševljenju najmanjeg stihića i zvukića. Zasada jedina osoba koja dolazi najbliže razumijevanju tih mojih opsesija, i do neke mjere dijeljenja sličnog oduševljenja je Katina Tihomirović, kraljica. Šteta da se ne možemo ženit, jer mi je u rodu.

JEDINO JE MJENA STALNA

I znaš o čemu sam još razmišljala, onako, u slobodno vrijeme? O tome kako bi mogla ostati na jednom mjestu maaaaalo duže vremena. I shvatila sam, kao bomba mi je pala ta misao na glavu, kako i dalje živim u Ashramu u glavi i srcu, dok sam u Hrvatskoj privremeno. Zapravo još živim u Njemačkoj, a Hrvatska mi je samo period od jednog do drugog odlaska u Njemačku. Treba to promijeniti. Mislim, evo, već se promijenilo, jer sam shvatila da se to događa. Ajde, bit ću malo doma, od jeseni. Od zime. Od idućeg proljeća?

DRUGI ZBORE PAMETNIJE

Pošto nisam uvijek pametna, ni pjesnik, ima drugih što govore pametno i kreativno, pa me to spašava. Današnja misao je genijalna i provokativna: «Samo poštuj ljude. Ljudi imaju najgluplje ideje, ili uopće nemaju ideja, ali ih svejedno poštuj, to stvara osjećaj povezanost. Kada su ljudi povezani, tada se osjećaju i zaštićeni. A kada su zaštićeni, njihov integritet se povećava.»

Koja dobra uputa. Zapravo nije lako poštivati ljude koji su glupi (ili imaju glupe ideje). Isto kao što nije lako uvredi se nasmiješiti u lice, ali je iznimno oslobađajuće razbiti uobičajeni reaktivni lanac uvrede, očaja i ljutnje.

NOVOSTI NOVOSTI NOVOSTI

Imah heureku večeras, pa je odlučih podijeliti s vama dragima, koji ne znam baš koji ste svi, ali eto, kako imam afiniteta prema slavi, veseli me podijeliti sve sa svima – egzibicionist.

To je heureka, da imam ozbiljnog afiniteta prema slavi i obilju. Cijeli život se to očituje na razne načine. Najbolje od svega je da sam uvijek sebe smatrala marginalcem, i uvik sam išla kontra mainstreama. Kako u glazbi, tako u politici. Bila sam pravi mali anarhista, od punka, preko osnivačke skupine Zagreb Pride-a, preko volontiranja za festivale koji nisu bili sasvim mainstream u ono doba, kada sam ja bila mlada, a ima tome koja godinica… Heureka je u tome da sam se i u tom marginalnom svijetu uvijek isticala, i bila često na pozicijama moći, odlučivanja, odgovornosti. Ne na najvišem pijedestalu, no vrlo blizu. Još uvijek je tako, u Art of Livingu. Blizu sam vrhu, iako se i dalje smatram marginalcem. Postala sam ono što sam uvijek mrzila. Čemu se opireš, to jača.

POČELO JE KAD MI JE BILO 5

Detaljnije, za vas. Kao malo dijete živjela sam Americi godinu dana, te ke trebalo ići u lokalni vrtić. Čitala sam kasnije izvještaj iz vrtića, i tamo je pisalo na lijep način, da sam prgava i neposlušna, te nakon druženja u dvorištu zauzmem gumu/ljuljačku i ne želim s nje sići nakon što su svi već ušli unutra. Dobila bi ljulju i ne idem ja sad s nje, bez obzira na «pravila». Kasnije sam se jednom u školi popela po cijevima od radijatora i trebao je doći netko u školu da me skine sa stropa. U srednjoj sam bila jedina u školi koja je slušala industrial, i bila opčinjena Marilyn Mansonom. Bilo je u školi punkera, ali ja sam to «prerasla» i krenula korak dalje u darkerstvo. Jedina u cijeloj školi. Opet sam se isticala (rekli bi, bila skrivena kao govno u punču, odvratan izraz, ali došao je, pa mora da je dobar za ovu priliku).

NASTAVILO SE DO DANA DANAŠNJEG

Na faksu sam bila najgori student. Najgori od najgorih. Doduše, poprilično loš student obično ne diplomira, a upravo to je kod mene slučaj. U to vrijeme sam bila već u osnivačkoj skupini Zagreb Pride-a. Opet ne na vrhu, ali u skupini ljudi koja je tu imala glavnu riječ. Cijelo to vrijeme, usporedno, gradila se polako karijera i u Art of Livingu, mnogi ljudi koje poznajem ne znaju što ja to točno tamo radim, a i ne znaju da sam poprilično poznata i uspješna u svemu čega se dotaknem. I tu sam svojevrsni uspjeh postigla, i opet Art of Living još nije baš mainstream organizacija za koju nema da netko nije čuo.

Glavna u margini. I sad shvaćam da sam uvijek i bila isti onaj kojem sam se opirala, dijelom odlučivačkog tijela u svemu.

OPIRALA/PRALA/OPRANA

Zadnjih godina mi to opiranje svemu konvencionalnom polako jenjava i ne koristim svaku priliku da istaknem sve što me čini drugačijom i posebnom, i nikako ne dijelom «većine». I tako možda postajem polako većina, naizgled.

Iako, mnogi u mojoj okolini koji su, ne misleći pogrdno, zbilja dio većine, me vide kao nekog tko baš ne pripada potpuno njima. Sve ovo u svrhu razumijevanja da, kako bi uistinu nešto ostavio iza sebe, i potpuno izbrisao jedan od obrazaca koji te čuva u kalupu nepromijenjivosti/neotvorenosti, trebaš iskusiti i jedno i drugo. Vidjeti sebe kao nekog tko je mainstream u marginalnosti i shvatiti da je to isto kao i biti naj-mainstream u mainstreamu. Istovremeno je ovo istina, i istovremeno je istina da margina nije mainstream. Ali položaj koji sam ja zauzimala svo ovo vrijeme je isti!

Ne znam da li se izražavam dovoljno dobro kako bih mogla prenijeti točno što mislim, ali trudim se, narode, trudim!

NEISPUNJENE ŽELJE ČINE EMOCIONALNI OTPAD

Lokeshana –  želja za slavom, Vitteshana – želja za obiljem i Putreshana – želja za potomstvom. Više je to od želje, to je više kao vezanost. Nemogućnost da pustiš.

Ne kažem da ne treba ne željeti slavu, obilje i djecu. Kažem: postanimo svjesni da nas te tri stvari ograničavaju u tome da živimo kao slobodni, neopterećeni ljudi. Da možemo ako hoćemo, i da nema ništa loše u tome da ŽELIMO i da BUDEMO i IMAMO – ali bez da nas to opterećuje i čini slijepima za onu stvarnost koja nam se nalazi pred očima.

KRAJ KRAJNOSTIMA! ŽIVJELA NORMA(LNOST)

Kad pustiš jednu krajnost, zaletiš se u drugu. Nakon zalijetanja u drugu tek možeš sagledati i uistinu vidjeti da je to dvoje bila krajnost. Kad shvatiš, osjetiš i probaviš da su obje predstavljale izlazak iz mira, one otpadnu i ostane normalnost. Bez odbijanja nečeg ili zalaganja za nešto, postaneš normalna, opuštena osoba.

Jupi!

FUCK IT, IT’S LOVE (NO DEAL WITHOUT POLITICS)

The last few months, completely out of the ordinary, I have been training authority, inner strength and success. Yet, the most contemporary topic is love. Generally, in the world. But next to politics, love comes first. Politics is about the state of affairs, state of wallet abundance, the social response to the latter, and then also how it all affects our health. Therefore, love is first, after politics, finance, society and health. Always coming first. One smart man (my mom says he says smart things, and my mother’s judgement is worth something), Mr. Ravi Shankar, once said that everything we do, we do out of love. If we are angry, we are angry about something that is preventing us from loving, or upsets someone we love, or messes with the situation or thing we have love for. To wrap it up, we love politics, that is why it makes us angry. That is also my personal formula of logics, that might not necessarily be in alignment with reality nor with philosophical rules of a game.

Politics is all what we think about, and everything else is what we love, so it bothers us. When the heart is full, then everything else is completely secondary. Someone once told me about an experiment they did in a workshop, and saw how a person chooses what to purchase based on who they liked the most. Nothing to do with the quality of presentation of the product. If you like the person, you will put aside everything else. If you do not like the person, and they can be a perfect representative of the product, you will set out to find another store.

And when is your heart full?! Not all the time. Mostly it is filled with holes, attempting to fill them in with food, drugs, television, superficial conversations. When the temporary filling is exhausted, the holes are where they were, intact, empty.

OBSESSION IS MY PROFESSION

My heart gets filled with temporary obsessions. With repetitive actions that take me for a spin I cannot stop. Especially when this happens to be some new music. Like a drug! Accidentally I end up seeing a video, a song, a beat, a recommendation. Of course, I do listen to a lot of music every day, and everything I use on the phone or laptop tells me about new releases etc. I also have a nose for these things. When I find something I like, I obsess about it for days at a time. I listen, read, download, search – everything. Since I was a kid, the most attractive part of music was to be a part of the creative process. I grew up with Žen, while they were growing up in their music. The practice and recording was usually incomparable best parts of it all, more than concerts. Everything from putting the equipment together on stage, to setting up the sound, conversations and states if minds before the concert was more valuable than the gig itself. The concerts were also quite satisfying, but more so along with everything else. To enter the psychology of creation, to observe what all and how it affects the creative process. The interpersonal relations, state of mind, effort put into it all… Fascinating.

As I discover something new, I enter the core of everything that was ever made, written or published by the band. If they have less materials, it becomes less interesting, faster.

MUSIC – A WORLD FOR MYSELF

Music is not only music, it is everything that surrounds it. That is where my love for it loves (my obsession?). My hidden desire is to play music with people, to sing more, dance and play more myself. I am somehow ashamed, I always think I am not good enough of a musician/singer/poet, so I am secretly praying not to find someone who would put up with me and create with me. I keep having a dream that this person will also be the love of my life that unconditionally support me in the slightest thrill I get from a line or sound. For now, the only person that is closest to understanding my obsessions, and also to a certain extent, shares my excitement is Katina Tihomirović, the queen. Unfortunately, we cannot marry because we are related.  

ONLY THE CHANGE IS CONSTANT

You know what else I was thinking about recently? I thought how I could actually stay in one place for a little longer. And I also realised, the realisation came to me like a bomb, how I still keep living in the Ashram in my head and heart, but stay in Croatia temporarily. I actually am still living in Germany, and Croatia seems to be the place where I spend time between two trips to Germany. I need to change this. Already the change is happening, just because I became aware of it. OK, I will be home for a bit, from autumn on. From this winter on for sure. From next spring should be fine?

OTHERS ARE SMARTER

As I am not always smart, nor a poet, there are others that speak intelligently and with creativity, so I am can be saved. Today’s thought is ingenious and provocative: «Just respect people. They may have the most dumb ideas, or have no ideas, but still giving them respect creates that connectivity. When people feel connected then they also feel protected. And when they are protected, their integrity level goes higher. »

Such good input. It is really not easy to respect people we consider to be stupid or having stupid ideas. As it is not easy to smile back to an insult. Yet it is so satisfying to break the usual reaction chain after an insult: the despair then the anger etc.

NEWS NEWS NEWS

I had a Eureka moment this evening, so I decided to share it with all of you dear ones, who I do not know who you are, but as I like fame, it makes me happy to share all these things with you – exhibitionist, I am.

That is the eureka, that I have serious affinity towards fame and abundance. My whole life this has shown in many different ways. The most interesting things is that I always considered myself to be on the margin, always going against the mainstream. In music, in politics. I was a proper little anarchist, from being a punk, to taking part of the founding board of the Zagreb Pride Organisation, volunteering at festivals that were not yet mainstream at the time, the time I used to be young, long ago. The eureka is about sticking out even in that marginal world, and often took positions of power, decision-making and responsibility. Not on the highest pedestal, but fairly close to it. I was on top, yet considered myself to be on the margin. I became what I always hated. What you resist – persists.

IT STARTED WHEN I WAS 5

In more detail, for you all. As a small child, I live in the States for a year, and so I went to a local kinder garden. I read the kinder garden report some years later and there it was nicely written how I am insubordinate and stubborn, and that after the break I do not want to go inside but rather keep the swing to myself. All against the rules. Later, when I went to school, I once climbed the radiator pipes and someone had to come and take me down from the ceiling, as I did not want to come down. In high-school I was the only kid in school that listened to Industrial music and was mesmerised with Marilyn Manson. There were punks in school, but that I have outgrown and moved a step forward into what we called being a darker. One and only in the entire school with this style. Again, I stuck out (there is a horrible expression that says like a turd in a bowl of punch, it is a disgusting expression, but there it is).

THUS, IT CONTINUED

At Uni I was the worst student. The worst of the worst. Usually, the worst of students never graduate, and so have I, not graduated. At that time, I was already part of the founding group of the Zagreb Pride Organisation. Again, I was not on the very top, but in that group, that had the main word, yes. Parallel to all this, my Art of Living career was slowly building up. A lot of people who do not know me are not quite sure what it is that I do, and also do not know I am quite known and successful in all that I do. Even though Art of Living is not yet a fully mainstream organisation that there are not people who have not heard about it.

Main in the marginal world. Now I fully understand that I was always that same one I was so much against, a part of the deciding bodies.

RESISTED/REVIEWED/RESTED/

The last few years the resistance to all that is conventional has become less, accordingly I also do not take every opportunity to point out all that makes me different and special and definitely not a part of the “majority”. Slowly, I might seemingly become a part of the majority.

Many in my environment are, without being rude about it, really a part of the majority, and do not see me as someone who fully belongs with them. All this just to understand that in order to really leave something behind, and completely delete a pattern that is still keeping you in the mould of being unchangeable/not open, you need to experience both extremes. See oneself as mainstream in the marginal and understand that it is an identical position to being that one in mainstream. At the same time this is truth, and at the same time it is truth that the margin is not really mainstream. The position I took all this time is the same position!

I am not sure I am expressing all this in a clear enough way, but I am tryin’ folks, I’m-a-tryin’!

UNFULFILLED DESIRES CREATE EMOTIONAL JUNK

Lokeshana –  desire for fame, Vitteshana – desire for abundance and Putreshana – desire for progeny. It is more than just desire, it is more like being bound. Inability to let go.

I am not saying not to wish for fame, abundance and children. I am saying: Let us become aware that these three things are limiting our ability to live as free individuals, with less burdens. That we can if we want to and that there is nothing wrong in WISHING, BEING and HAVING – but without all this being a burden for us, and without making us blind for the reality that is in front of us.

DOWN WITH EXTREMES! LONG LIVE NORM(ALITIE)S

Once you let go of one extreme, you run into the next. After running into the next, then only can you look back and see that both were too extreme. Once you understand and digest that both were making you move away from your peace, they fall of and normality gets restored. Without rejecting or being up for something, you become a normal, relaxed person.

Yay!