Zadar, veljača 2018.

Suprotne vrijednosti

Više mi je dosadilo biti u ulozi dobrice koja samo šuti i lagano fermentira. DO-SA-DI-LO. Sva sreća, sve što sam ikada željela u smislu unutrašnje promjene, omogućila mi je prisutnost i vodstvo mog dragog učitelja života (i život, da, ali isto tako i Guru, onaj koji te iz tame vodi ka svjetlu, da budem pravi sektaš i upotrebljavam sanjarske floskule). Kontam sve više da je „duhovnost“ u srži biti slobodan od svake vrste identiteta u svakom trenutku i biti u potpunosti prirodan i svjestan što govoriš i radiš. Sve drugo što su ti rekli – lažu!

Da pojasnim ovaj mali unutarnji preokret koji se tako očito manifestira u mom životu na sve strane. Prije Božića, život je imao neki svoj okus, relativno sladak, a nekad ljut. Čini mi se iz ove sadašnje perspektive, da je upravo taj život, koji se nije činio jako loš, bio teška katastrofa. Naravno, i taj period je poslužio tome da vidim kako je sada život puno bolji. Što se promijenilo? Ništa na vani. Zapravo je sve puno gore. Tada se činilo da je život bajka i da će se sve samo riješiti. Međutim, tada je život isto bio sranje kroz gusto granje, samo sam ja to uredno ignorirala i živjela van svojih financijskih kapaciteta, uzdajući se u Nadu i Božju Providnost. Nada mi je donijela govno, a Božja Providnost me zaobišla. Saraswati, božica obilja je valjda zaboravila da postojim, u materijalnom smislu, drugog obilja ne fali.

Kako je sada život puno bolji? Jer je nekako brutalno realniji, a istovremeno upravo to manje ometa moju svakodnevnu sreću.

Zašto i što se dogodilo za Božić i Novu Godinu da je život postao toliko „bolji“? Dogodio se Sri Sri Ravi Shankar i njegovo valjda otkriće, da smo svi mi, relativni starosjedioci u Art of Livingu, spremni za nešto novo, nešto drugačije, nešto sjajno! (zvuči kao reklama za Kinder jaje, nenamjerno.) Organizirao je, osmislio, ili kako se to već kaže, novi program, samo za ljude koji su prošli već određeni broj tečajeva, kako bi bio sigurniji da smo i mi spremniji. Tih tjedan dana nas je oko 650 pazio svojim budnom okom, i polako, ali sigurno uvodio u nešto skroz novo i drugačije – zvano Samyam. Sve što sam do sada doživjela u Art of Livingu je bilo intenzivno, i ludo. Što senzacija, što emocija, što doživljaja, što uvida. Ovaj put nije bilo ništa od toga. Najjednostavnije rečeno, dogodio se susret sa samim postojanjem. Toliko neviđeno jednostavno, i toliko neopisivo duboko, da se ne može ni reći da je „duboko“, „zanimljivo“ itd., već samo da jest.

Sve ono o čemu sam razmišljala da bih voljela promijeniti u svom životu i kod sebe se jednostavno bez ikakve posebne namjere dogodilo. Sav strah koji me paralizirao da se pokrenem ispario je i sad sam prirodnija Ja.

Svakih šest mjeseci upadnem u egzistencijalnu krizu, što će biti sa mnom, hoću li preživjeti s novcima koje zarađujem, hoću li zadržati posao koji radim, u kojoj mjeri, na kojim područjima i s kim? I tako već par godina. Od krize do krize. Kriza, pa dobro, pa kriza, pa dobro. I nije čak ni to problem, nego to da se ponavlja svaki puta isto. Nadom se nadam da će sve biti dobro, trudim se kao konj da napravim sve što mogu, ali iznova nailazim na nepodržavanje života. Očito da nešto radim krivo i da treba nekakva promjena, ali NE KUŽIM što je to što radim krivo. I to što mi drugi sugeriraju mi ne zvuči kao da je sasvim to. Mislim se, radim nešto plemenito, trebalo bi biti onako kako zamišljam, jer je cilj plemenit. To što je cilj plemenit nije dovoljno dobar razlog da upadnem u zamku prividne kontrole života. Život me bacaka amo tamo, bez mog pristanka. Nisam ništa shvatila, zašto, kako, zbog čega i koga. Jedino što mi je postalo sasvim jasno: kontrole nema. I opet se vraćam gospođi Nadi, koja me ugodno ljuljuška i šapuće mi: sve je u redu. I vjerujem joj. I istovremeno se koprcam i borim i trudim razumjeti kako me to život pokušava nečemu nježno naučiti, oduzimajući mi sve što smatram plemenitim radom. Eh. Kad bih ja to shvatila, shvatila bih i zašto ova planeta postoji, i ja na njoj, a pošto je u pitanju jedna druga gospođa, Enigma, s njom se teško pregovara.

Na trenutke se osjećam toliko bezvrijedno i bez ikakvog rezultata, a u drugom trenutku se osjećam kao da sam postigla stvaranje čitavih beskonačnih svjetova. Klik-klak. Klackalica uma. Sad si car, sad si smeće. Loptica tuđeg mišljenja. Svatko tako dobro zna što bih ja trebala i kako bih to trebala, a ja nekako nevino slušam i mislim se, možda su u pravu? Sipaju na mene svoju projekciju, a ja je primam, hmmmm, kao da je moja vlastita.

Intuitivno ZNAM da sam toliko super sposobna, posvećena i aktivna, praktički neumorna u svemu što radim, a realni rezultati to ne pokazuju u istoj mjeri. Kaže mi Katina, što će ti kakav materijalni dokaz uspjeha i materijalnog, ljudi koji to imaju se mole Bogu za trun unutarnje sreće i posla kojeg mi radimo. Intuitivno osjećam da mi dolaze i uspjeh i samostalnost, i to već godinama ZNAM, ali nekako se još nije sasvim manifestiralo, unatoč svemu što radim.

I pričaju se priče o uspjehu drugih, koji su sve nešto preko noći postigli. Priče čuda i uspjeha gdje su se sva vrata otvarala. Nisam sasvim sigurna da se te priče pričaju u cijelosti, ili sam ja jedini pušioničar koji ne može do toga doći. Imam takvu neopisivo goruću želju, ne da budem uspješna, već da živim minimalno normalno. I znam da kada se to dogodi, da ću htjeti živjeti maksimalno normalno, a kad i to bude, onda će biti želja za još. Kada bih bar to željela iz neke osobne pohlepe za parama, za uspjehom, za slavom. Ali nekako više to želim iz potrebe da učinim svijet boljim mjestom. Ali kako da to napravim, ako brojim kune za špinat?

Očito je to da nisam rođena pod nekom nepresušno bogatom zvijezdom, a željela bih da jesam. I sad tražim tu zvijezdu da se iznjedri iz mene same. Neću malo, neću u sitno. Hoću tone. Ne zanima me da me se hvali, zanima me da sama sebe mogu pohvaliti, jer osjećam da sam dala sto milijardi posto u sve što sam ikada napravila, i jer je to vidljivo – i meni i drugima.

I iskreno, najiskrenije, totalno mi ne bi bilo mrsko biti samo takva faca.

U tonu suprotnih vrijednosti, kako me prijateljica okarakterizirala kada sam odbila pristojno ponuđeno pivo – da sam opatica, otišla sam na festival regionalnih rap izvođača. Opatica na rap koncertu, to je to! S obzirom na to da rijetko izlazim, večeri mi ne počinju, već završavaju oko 10 sati, ne boravim u zadimljenim prostorima, niti uz glasnu glazbu. Kada se bar ne bi pušilo u zatvorenim prostorima, kao u Belgiji, i kada bi bar imali malo jaču ventilaciju da se može disati. U Velikom Pogonu Tvornice Kulture, se ne puši, a puši. Ventilacije ima, a ne radi. I glazba je preglasna, i razglas je onako, na mahove okej.

Zašto cijeli taj dvodnevni izlazak na mjesto na koje zadnjih godina ne bih ni u ludilu posjetila? Jer je i to ŽIVOT. Kad se samo sjetim na koliko sam koncerata u životu bila, i kako sam taj aspekt života i uživanja zaturila, dođe mi žao mene same. Obukla sam se, našminkala, kao osoba žena, i izašla u mrak. Popila Coca-Colu, smrt punu šećera i kofeina, da ne zaspem odmah oko 23h, jer tek tada počinje žurka. I zabavila se kao nikada. Trijezna, svjesna svakog trena cijele večeri, upijala sam atmosferu, glazbu, ljude, plesala, skakala, smijala se. Sve kao nekad davno na amfetaminima, ovaj put sto posto prisutna, tijelom, umom, duhom i srcem.  

Život je ZAKON!

Imam osjećaj da me tek sada čeka život. Trenutno je samo jedan omanji ležeći policajac na putu, kojeg ću lako prijeći i maltene ne osjetiti. A čak i da je iz materijalnog aspekta sve ovo što se sada događa teži udarac bez nade skorog opravka, ni to me ne može spriječiti da sve ovo vidim 85% vremena kao nešto što se događa nekom drugom, dok je 15% zbiljske brige i straha. Vidjet ćemo!

>>BLOK REKLAMA<<

U Splitu smo otvorili Happiness centar u kojem Sv. Katina i Sv. Gordana i naš neviđeni tim drže yogu za dobro jutro, za starije, za početnike, za yogaše, djecu i tečajeve disanja za svih, gdje se gleda najkulskije znanje, i održavaju prekrasni trenuci provedeni u aktivnosti/dubokom odmoru, znanju i zabavi. Nije nas teško naći, odmah smo do Quasimodo kluba, na 2. katu bivše Dalme. Javi nam se da se družimo! https://www.facebook.com/umijecezivljenja.hr/

Također, i sestra Katina i ja smo iskusne ThetaHealing iscjeljiteljice, radimo pojedinačne tretmane (online i uživo) nakon kojih se svatko osjeća preporođeno, također i lokalno vodimo vježbaonice i po koji početnički program otvoren za sve. Na raspolaganju smo!

https://www.facebook.com/thetasea/

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Zadar, February 2018

Opposite values

I am getting seriously bored of being a goody good person that only keeps it shut and slowly ferments. BO-RING. Luckily, everything I ever wanted in the sense of inner change, was provided by the guidance of my dear life teacher (life itself, of course, but also the Guru, the one that takes you from darkness to light, to express it like a proper sect follower, using dreamy expressions). I get more and more how “spirituality” at the core is just to be free of any form of identity and just be utterly natural and aware of what you speak and do. Everything else they told you – they lied!

Let me clarify this small inner U-turn that manifests so obviously in my life. Before Christmas, life had a taste of its own, relatively sweet and sometimes chilli. From this perspective, that that exact same life, that did not seem very bad, was in reality quite a disaster. Of course, even this period served the purpose of being able to see how life is so much better now. What changed? Nothing on the outside. Actually, everything is much worse. Before, life seemed to be a fairy tale that would solve itself. Even then life was also crap on the outside, the only difference being my capacity to ignore the obvious, by living outside my financial capacities, letting Hope and Divine Providence take care of everything. Hope brought me shit and Divine Providence ignored me. Saraswati, the goddess of abundance, seems to have forgotten my financial existence, because I do not lack in other wealths.

How is my life better? It is somehow brutally more realistic and at the same time this brutality does not disrupt my everyday happiness.

What happened on Christmas and New Year and made my life so much ‘better’? Sri Sri Ravi Shankar happened, and his discovery that all of us ‘oldtimers’ in Art of Living are ready for something new, something different, something amazing! (this sounds like a Kinder Surprise commercial, unintentionally). He organized, comprised, devised a new program only for people who had already attended a certain number of courses, to be sure that we are ready for this one. During the week of the course he watched over cca 700 of us with a watchful eye, and slowly but surely, lead us into something completely new and different – called Samyam. Up to this moment, every experience in Art of Living was intense and crazy. This one wasn’t. The simplest way to explain it is that I met with existence itself. So incredibly simple and so indescribably deep that one cannot even say it was ‘deep’ or ‘interesting’, but that it simply was.

Everything I wanted to change in my life just happened, without any special effort. All the fear which paralyzed me vanished and now I am a more natural Me.

Every six months I have an existential crisis, wondering what will happen to me, will I survive with my salary, will I manage to keep my job, if yes – to what extent: in which areas and with whom? This has been happening for years. From crisis to crisis. Crisis, then I’m fine, another crisis, then again fine. And it wouldn’t even be a problem but it’s always exactly the same. I hope and I hope that everything will be okay, then I try and I try to do everything I can, but time and again I get unsupported by life. Obviously I am doing something wrong and I need to change it, but I DON’T UNDERSTAND what I am doing wrong. And whatever people around me are suggesting as an answer just doesn’t feel right. I think to myself: ‘I’m doing good stuff, it should turn out how I imagined it, because I have a noble cause’. A noble cause is not a good enough reason to fall into a trap of seemingly having control over my life. Life keeps tossing me around without my consent. I understood nothing: why, how, for what and for whom. The only clear thing is that there is no control. I go back to Mrs Hope who cuddles me and whispers in my ear: ‘everything is fine’. And I believe her. And at the same time I struggle and try to understand in what way is life gently trying to teach me something, while taking away all I consider to be noble work. Eh. If I could understand this, I would also understand the existence of this planet, and mine in it, but there is another Mrs here, Mrs Enigma, and she is a tough negotiator.

At times I feel so worthless and resultless, and at other times I feel like I’ve single handedly created limitless universes. See – saw. See – saw of the mind. Today you’re king, the next day you’re trash. A football of other’s opinions. Everybody knows what I should do and how I should do it, and I innocently listen and think to myself, maybe they’re right? They pour their projections over me and I accept them, hmmm, as if they were my own.

Intuitively I KNOW that I’m super skilful, dedicated and active, practically tireless in everything I do, but there are no realistic results for this. Katina tells me: why do you need material proof of success, people with material success pray to God for only a inkling of inner happiness and the work we do. Intuitively I feel that success and independence are coming, I HAVE KNOWN THIS for years, but somehow it still hasn’t manifested, despite of all my efforts.

And stories are told about the success of others who have accomplished something overnight. Stories of miracles and success where doors just opened. I’m not so sure that these stories are told in full, or am I just the only loser who cannot get there? I have such a burning desire, not to be successful, but to have a minimally normal life. And I know I will want a maximally normal life after that, and then another desire for more. If only my desire would be motivated by greed for money, success, fame. But I want it because I have a need to make the world a better place. How am I supposed to do that, if I have to count money to buy spinach?

Obviously I wasn’t born under a very rich lucky star, and I wish I was. Now I’m trying to find that star within myself. I don’t want a little, I don’t want pennies. I want tons. I’m not interested in being praised, I want to be able to praise myself for being a billion percent in everything I have ever done, and this should be obvious to me, as well as to others.

Honestly, most sincerely, I wouldn’t hate being ‘all that’.

Speaking of opposite values, after declining an offer to have a beer, and a friend characterizing me as a nun, I went to a concert of regional rap performers. A nun on a rap concert, that’s it! Since I rarely go out, my nights do not start but finish at 10 PM, and I don’t spend my time in smoke – filled places with loud music. If only smoking were forbidden in closed spaces, like in Belgium, and if we could have better ventilation to be able to breathe. There is no smoking in the venue of the concert, but people smoke anyway. Ventilation is there, but it’s not turned on. The music is too loud and the sound is okay here and there.

Why go to this two day rap fest to a club I wouldn’t normally think of going to? Because that is LIFE, too. When I think of how many concerts I’ve been to and how I now completely disregarded and neglected this aspect of my life, I feel sorry for myself. I got dressed, put on makeup, like a real woman, and went out into the dark. I had a Coca-Cola: death filled with sugar and caffeine, to keep me awake after 11 PM because that is when the party starts. And I had the time of my life. Sober, aware of every moment, I enjoyed the atmosphere, the music, people, I danced, I jumped, I laughed. Just like years ago on amphetamines, but this time a hundred percent present with my body, mind, spirit and heart.

Life RULES!

I feel like life is only yet to come. Right now there is a small speed bump in the road which I will barely feel and easily overcome. Even if the material aspect were a hard blow without hope of recovery, I will still look at all this as something happening to someone else 85% of the time, while 15% will be worry and fear. Let’s see!

>>COMMERCIAL BLOCK<<

We’ve opened a Happiness centre in Split where St Katina and St Gordana and their unseen team are teaching good morning, senior, beginners and advanced yoga, yoga for kids and breathing courses for everyone, a place where where we watch the coolest knowledge and spend wonderful moments in activity/deep rest, knowledge and fun. We’re easy to find, next to Quasimodo club, 2^nd floor of ex Dalma (now Dobri) department store.  

https://www.facebook.com/umijecezivljenja.hr/

Also, my sister Katina and I are experienced ThetaHealing practitioners, we offer individual sessions (in person and online) after which everyone feels reborn. Also, we locally hold Theta workshops and beginner’s programs open for everyone. We are here at your disposal!

https://www.facebook.com/thetasea/