DRAMA

Gdje će nam danas biti početak? Možda najbolje početi od kraja, ili ponovnog novog početka? Gdje nam je početak, a gdje kraj? Ne zna se još.

Sve misli i želje koje sam ikada imala mi se sada čine toliko zamarajućima. Kad se kotačići u mozgu vrte bez prekida. Staneš, i čuješ to podmuklo zujanje misli i osjećaja. Kako se vrte, vrte, vrte, u krug, bez početka i kraja. Toliko me to u ovom trenutku zamara. Kao kad ti pod prozorom nadograđuju susjednu zgradu u sitne večernje sate. I tako svaki dan, s početkom u rana jutra.

Ja bi vezu, ja bi pare, ja bi poso, ja bi stan, ja bi auto, ja bi djecu, ja bi bila sretna, ja bi bila zadovoljna, ja bi … ja bi … ja bi … japaajaapaaajaajaaaaa. Ja bi ovo i ono. A zašto? Jer ovako kako je – ne valja. Treba biti drugačije. Treba biti bolje, ljepše, pametnije i ugodnije. Vječno više od onog što jest. Što da radim? Nisam vična materijaliziranju kuća, auta i djece. U krajnjoj liniji, za sve je potrebno malo vremena. Ako danas imam nula, a sutra želim imati 100,000 – možda i dođu sutra, ali najčešće će proći neko vrijeme prije nego se želja ostvari. U međuvremenu se nadam živjeti, a ne čekati.

A čekala sam, itekako sam čekala. Čekala da se odnos razvije u ono što sam od njega očekivala, čekala da pare padnu s neba, čekala da mi se pruži prilika. I znaš što? Nisam ništa dočekala. Dočekao je mene čemer, jad i tuga, neispunjenost. Nisam vidjela što imam pred sobom, vidjela sam samo što nemam. Tužno je to. Biti tako nezadovoljan, neispunjen i u iščekivanju svijeta da nam da nešto što nemamo. A dao mi je sve. Dao mi je odličan stan u gradu za malo novaca, i mogućnošću da budem u njemu i ljeti kada Split ne da nikom krevet, osim turistima. Dao mi je prostor za yogu u istoj ulici. Dao mi je sestru s kojom sam se super zabavljala. Dao mi je prekrasan odnos, neponovljiv, točno takav kakav je. Dao mi je još svega što nisam bila u stanju u potpunosti prepoznati kao poklon. I sve mi je to sada kao neki daleki san, nešto nestvarno, dio daleke prošlosti. Gledam unazad, i uopće ne osjećam da sam ja ta ista osoba koja je proživljavala sve te nedostatke.

Da konkretiziram. Dala sam otkaz Art of Living-u s idejom da krenem u svoj vlastiti razvoj i rad. Da ne budem dijelom organizacije koja ne poštuje moje kvalitete i koja me može zamijeniti dok trepneš. Vrlo brzo sam osjetila da sam prenaglila s odlukom, i htjela sam je povući, ali već je bilo kasno. Odluka je bila donesena. Zatim sam se s njom nosila kako sam znala i umjela. Poprilično loše. Sve je na kratko izgubilo smisao. Život je na kratko izgubio smisao. Kratkotrajna zadovoljstva jednostavno nisu bila dovoljna. Činilo mi se da je sve prazno, nevažno. Prestala sam osjećati da radim nešto važno, sve je postalo svejedno. I novci, i ljudi, i praksa su izgubili važnost uloge koju su ranije nosili. Meditacija nije bila slatka, ni kolači više nisu bili slatki. Sve je izgubilo boju i okus. Na kratko. Sva sreća.

Teško je to objasniti. Ne samo neki dio, već većinski dio mog života (80-95%) je odjednom nestao. I što sada? Mislim da sam se zamrznula od šoka, u vremenu i prostoru. Nisam bila u stanju isprocesuirati što sljedeće. Kako je svemir divan, čuvao me od mene same i dao mi nešto posla, kako ne bih imala previše vremena biti upletena u vlastito nezadovoljstvo. Sve mi je izgledalo toliko blijedo!

POROK

Nisam bila zadovoljna s time kako je bilo i trebalo je nešto promijeniti, ali nisam bila u stanju ništa vidjeti, kamoli da sam imala dovoljno snage da poduzmem promjenu. Samo sam se sve više zakopavala. Tješila se malim stvarima, koje nisu imale dovoljno snage da me utješe.

Nedavno sam došla u ashram na par dana, i kako to obično biva, umjesto par dana ostala dva tjedna. Bez ideje, bez želje, samo sam bila „kući“ i radila sve kao da se ništa nije dogodilo.

Htjela sam pričati sa svojim Guruom, i htjela sam mu reći da sam nezadovoljna financijama i načinom rada, ali sam mu na kraju samo rekla da mi je srce slomljeno što više nisam dio organizacije. Rekao mi je da mu priredim par opcija, napravim plan kako i što, i da mu to prezentiram. Požalila sam mu se, poslušao me, i predložio nešto novo, nešto drugačije. Nešto što nisam očekivala ni u pozadini mozga.

Zapravo, toliko sam tu opciju zatomila, da sam je izbacila s liste mogućnosti. I upravo tu mi je ponudio. To mi je izgleda neki obrazac. Kada sam prvi put došla s planom da nemam plana, ponudio mi je da živim u Schwarzwaldu, što mi je izgledalo kao najdosadnija moguća opcija. Ashram tada nije imao puno programa, bilo je dvoje mladih osim mene, i ništa se nije događalo, osim par puta godišnje kada su bili baš veliki projekti. Mislila sam da ću umrijet od dosade. Ali nije bilo tako, radila sam milijun poslova, naučila milijun novih stvari i baš je u tom periodu kuća naglo procvjetala, imali smo sve više programa tijekom cijele godine. Kasnije sam imala neke druge izazove, ali dosadno mi sigurno nije bilo.

I sada sam opet bila bez plana, bez ideje i bez želja. Samo sam mu htjela reći da me boli srce i da mi nedostaje. Počela sam u Art of Livingu s 22. godine, sada sam pred 36.-om. Iz ove perspektive, izgleda mi kao da sam posvetila cijeli svoj život meditaciji, yogi, druženju u znanju, projektima za poboljšanje kvalitete života. Bez toga je odjednom sve izgubilo svoju važnost, a s tim i emocija da radim nešto što ima smisla.

Njegov prijedlog je bio ono što sam izbjegavala u velikom luku. Prvo, općenito Hrvatska mi nikad nije bila u kadru, a kamoli njen glavni grad iz kojeg sam pobjegla glavom bez obzira prije osam godina. Kao i prijedlog za život u Crnoj Šumi, tako i s ovim, da živim u Zagrebu – nije mi se svidio. No, kako su prolazili sati, moj mali mozgić je počeo prihvaćati informaciju, planirati, kontati da bi mi to i financijski bilo lakše, da bih imala tim kojem mogu pridonijeti i svašta drugog lijepog.

Gurala sam Split kako sam znala i umjela, ali očito nije bilo suđeno. Zahvalna sam na godini prekrasnog Mediterana, ali sada nazad na kopno.

PROROK

Zašto ja slušam čovika s bradom? Kakva je to logika? Eto je, sposobna, pametna, obrazovana, a sluša bradonju s njegovim suludim prijedlozima koji ispadaju najčešće kao kratkoročno rješenje. E, to ti se zove vjera. Povjerenje. Vjera da netko vidi stvari iz šire perspektive, da mi može reći što je za mene najbolje u danom trenutku. Ne što je najbolje za mene u materijalnom smislu, već najbolje za moj rast. Ovaj nedavni val me poklopio pošteno. Sljedećeg ću znati dočekati, dok ne dođe veći, a s njim i nove vještine manevriranja.

Jedna od stvari koju je baš naglašavao ovih dana je da budemo otporni na kritiku. Štogod tko ima za reći, nema razloga da bode duboko u meko srce. Dovoljno je čuti kritiku ušima, i ne dati joj da uđe dublje. Inače nas svaka kritika polomi. Manje od nepoznatih ljudi, a najviše od onih nama najbližih. U stanju smo cijeli život zamjerati na nekim zvukovima koji su proizašli iz nečijih glasnica. Kada tako to kažeš, da; izgleda kao pametna ideja ne dopustiti da ti srce treperi zbog zvučnih vibracija nečijeg malog uma i smiješnih misli koje se mogu promijeniti u roku od sekundi.

Ne mogu očekivati ni od koga da me razumije. Nema u ovome ničemu logike. Samo srce. Samo vjera, povjerenje. Osjećaj da iz dubine duše donosim ispravnu odluku. Odlučujem da se prepuštam. I istovremeno odlučujem posvetiti se onome što radim na način da preduhitrim svaku sumnju prije nego fermentira.

Povratak u onaj fini, istančani dio sebe, gdje osluškujem svoju dušicu, radije nego neke velike misli o velikim životnim uspjesima. Očito ovaj život još nije takav da se njegova vrijednost pronalazi i u obilatom materijalnom zadovoljstvu.

Jest da mi plaća nikad nije bila velika, ali da sam se naputovala s ovim poslom, bome jesam. Da sam upoznala najrazličitije ljude iz cijelog svijeta, od kojih neki više djeluju kao vanzemaljci, o da. Da sam prošla kroz izazove za koje sam mislila da nema šanse da ću preživjeti – jesam.

Da me strah od nepoznatog, od materijalne nesigurnosti – itekako.

ALI. Sve je to manje bitno, ako moje srce treperi na pravi način u Njegovom prisustvu. Vjerujem mu. Osjećam u najdubljoj dubini sebe da je biti s njim ispravno, ispunjavajuće, potrebno za mene. Kada sam prije 11 godina prvi puta provela 4-5 dana u tišini, ono što sam iznutra čula najjasnije od svega (još ga nisam bila osobno upoznala): kako da sve ovo radim cijelo svoje vrijeme? Kako i od kuda treba započeti i što je potrebno napraviti da dođem do toga da se moje srce ispuni u davanju drugima? Počela sam polako, volontirajući, za par godina postala učiteljica, zatim nakon još par i full-time učiteljica. Što vrijeme ide dalje, to su izazovi veći, i s time i prilike za rast.

Možda sam u krivu, možda može drugačije, možda može bolje za mene. A možda i ne. Možda sam potpuno u pravu, možda može samo ovako kako je i možda je baš ovo ono što je najbolje za mene.

Štogod bilo, sada sam sretna.

Često smatram da ako učinim druge sretnima, onda ću i ja biti sretna. U tom slučaju činim druge sretnima tako da radim ono što se od mene očekuje, što možda nije nužno najbolje za mene. Radije ću ti pokazati kako da živiš svoju unutarnju sreću, nego da ti ta ista ovisi o vanjskim faktorima.

I da zaključim s trivijalnostima: Vojko V je izdao album, poslušaj ga, smiješan je.

Jutro 30. travnja, sestre i Guru /// Morning of April 30, sisters and Guru

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DRAMA

Where shall we start from today? Maybe it is the best to start from the beginning of the end, or from the new beginning? Where do we begin, where do we end? No way to know yet.

All the thoughts and desires I have ever had seem so tiresome. When the little cogwheels in the brain spin and spin with no end to them. You stop, but keep hearing the subtle buzzing of thoughts and feelings. They keep spinning, and spinning and spinning, with no seeming beginning nor end. It makes me so tired. As if there is a construction site under your window till late night. It continues on a daily basis, from early mornings.

I’d like a relationship, I’d like cash, I’d like an apartment, I’d like a car, kids, I’d like to be happy, I’d like to be satisfied, I’d like, I’d like, I’d like… Mememememememe. I’d like this and that, and why? Because the way it is – is not right. It should be different. It should be better, prettier, smarter, more comfortable. Eternally more than what is. What to do? I am not yet good at materialising houses, cars and kids. At the very least, some time is needed. If I have zero today, and wish to have 100,000 tomorrow – maybe it does arrive tomorrow, but most often it takes a little time before the wish comes true. In the meanwhile, I do hope to live and not wait.

But I have been waiting. I really have been waiting. I have been waiting for the relationship to become what I expected it to, for money to fall from the skies, for an opportunity to present itself. And you know what? I have not managed to live to see it come true. What I got was sadness, and no real fulfilment. I have not been able to see what I had, rather what I had not had. That is sad. Not to be fulfilled, not to be contented, but to expect the world to give us what we do not have. And the world has given me all. An amazing apartment in the city for not so much money, and the possibility to stay for the summer, when Split does not look upon non-tourist renting kindly. A space for yoga in my very street. A sister I had super much fun with.  A beautiful relationship, never to be repeated, perfect as it is. Life gifted me with a lot more I was unable to recognise as a present. Now it all seems like a faraway dream, something unreal, a piece of ancient history. I look back and do not remember at all that I am that person who was living with what I saw as flawed and lack of.

To be more concrete. I quit Art of Living with the idea to start my own development and work. I did not want to be a part of an organisation that does not respect my qualities and can replace me in a split second. I quickly and painfully realised how I went ahead of myself by making this decision, but it had been made. I coped as best I could. I coped badly. For a moment there, all lost meaning. Life had lost its meaning. Short-term pleasures just did not fill in. Everything seemed so empty, meaningless. I stopped feeling like I was doing anything of importance. Meditation was not so sweet, nor were the cakes. Everything lost colour and taste. For a short while. Luckily.

It is difficult to explain. Not only is it a part of my life, but most,  80-95% of it, was suddenly gone. What now? I think I just froze from shock, froze in time and space. I was not able to process what will be next. The universe was truly lovely and kept me safe by giving me some work, so I at least had something not to dwell on my unhappiness. Everything looked so pale!

VICE

I was never happy with how things were, and something needed to be changed. I was not in a state where I could see anything, let alone had enough strength to take up the challenge. I was just going down, using small things to console me, but they had no power strong enough to do so.

Recently I had come to the ashram for a few days, and stayed a few weeks. Without any special idea, or desire, I just came “home” and did everything that was needed like nothing had happened.

I wanted to speak to my Guru, I wanted to tell him I was not happy with the finance and the way of taking the business forward, but in the end I only told him my heart is broken for not being a part of the organisation. He told me to prepare a few options, to make a plan of how and what and to present it. I complained, he listened, and suggested something new, something different. Something I had not expected at all.

Actually, it was the one option that I completely disregarded, removed from my options list. So that was the one he suggested. It seems to be a pattern. When I came to him with the only plan of not having one, he offered me to live in Schwarzwald, which at the time seemed like the most boring possible option. Ashram did not have many programs at the time, there were two other younger people, and nothing was really going on, except twice a year for big, big projects. I thought I would die of boredom. But it was not like that, I did a million jobs, I learned a million new things and it was in that period when the house really blossomed, so we had more and more programs throughout the year. Later I had other challenges, but I was nothing close to bored.

This time I was without plan, without ideas, without desires. I just wanted to tell him my heart hurts and that I miss him. I started in Art of Living when I was 22, and now I am turning 36. From this perspective it seems like I have dedicated my entire life to meditation, yoga, hanging out in knowledge, projects for life quality enhancement. Losing my job meant that all that somehow lost importance as well as the feeling I am doing something that matters.

His suggestion was what I had avoided the most. First of all, even Croatia was never an option, let alone its capital, from where I had run away eight years ago. The suggestion to live in the Black Forest was equally unpleasant as the one to live in Zagreb. As hours went by, my tiny lil’ brain started to accept the newly given info. I started to think, to plan, thinking how financially it would not be so bad, and I could be in a team where I could really contribute and many other lovely things.

I was pushing and pulling at Split as much as I knew and could, but it obviously was not meant to be. I am grateful for the year of the lovely Mediterranean, but now back to the continent.

PROFET

Why do I listen to the dude with the beard? Where’s the logic in that? There she is, competent, smart, educated, and yet she listens to the bearded man and his crazy suggestions that seem to give short-term solutions. Well, that is what some call faith. Trust. Faith that someone sees the bigger picture, and can tell me what is best for me at the given moment. Not what is best for me in the material sense, but best for my growth. This recent wave got to me. I am hoping to be able to anticipate the next, with new manoeuvring skills.

One of the things he emphasised a lot these days was resistance to criticism. Whoever has anything to say, there is no reason for it to enter too deeply into your soft heart. It is enough to hear criticism with your ears and not allow it to go any deeper. We keep resenting our entire lives  something that someone’s vocal chords produced. When you put it this way, yes, it seems like a good idea not to allow your heart to falter because of the sound vibrations of another person’s mind and all the funny thoughts that can change in a matter of seconds.

I cannot really expect anyone to understand me. There is no logic in all this. Only heart. Only trust, faith. The feeling from the bottom of my soul I am making the right decision. I decided to let go. At the same time I decided to dedicate more to what I do, before any doubts get to ferment.

Going back to that delicate, finer part of me, where I listen carefully to my sweet soul, instead of grandiose ideas about life achievements. It seems this life’s value is still not found in the material.

True, my pay was never that big. But I travelled a lot with this job, I really have. I met people from across the globe, some who seem more like aliens, but yeah. I went through so many challenges, I thought I would never resolve, and yet I did.  

Am I scared of the unknown, lack of material security? Naturally.

BUT. All that is so less important, if my heart beats the right way in His presence. I trust him. I feel in the deepest depth that being next to him is right, fulfilling, needed for me.

11 years ago, when I first spent 4-5 days in silence, what I could hear from the inside was a voice (this was before I met him) saying: How can I do these things like, all the time? How and where from do I need to begin in order for my heart to be full from giving others. I started slowly, by volunteering, then became teacher, then full-time teacher. As time went by, the challenges were greater, and so were the opportunities to grow.

I might be wrong, maybe things could be different, maybe things could be better for me. And maybe not. Maybe I am completely right, maybe it can be only as it is, and maybe this is what is best for me.

Whatever it is, I am happy now.

I often think if I make others happy, I will also be happy. In that case I make others happy by doing what is expected of me, that might not be the best for me. I would rather show you how to live your own inner happiness then have it depend on outside factors.

I will conclude with something trivial, Vojko V released an album, listen to it, it’s fun.