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MIDDLE – CENTRE – COLUMN

In the end, what is it you need to be completely satisfied and happy?

For me, this comes from a complete dedication to this what I do, in every single moment. Is it really important what exactly it is, this what we do? As long as everything I do, I do with a 100% dedication, that is when I feel absolutely full to the brim. Whenever I resist or struggle, whenever I do not want something or do not feel like doing it – even the simplest tasks become a great effort.

How much courage and will is needed to fell responsible for the state of your mind, and your energy?
Until when is is needed for us to gift our strength and power to others, making them the main responsible ones for how we feel and what happens in our lives?

The other side as well. Until when shall we resist reality as is happening? Until when shall we not accept how things truly are? Hoping and wishing to have it in another way, missing out on billions on present moments?

Either we are too passive, seemingly comfortable, that leads us into lethargy and depression, or too active, taking us onto the path of feeling all is on us, and there is never enough rest.

In every single moment of awareness, coming back to ourselves. What happened, happened, we did our best. That is all!

There you go, I just solved everyone’s life problems. Piece of cake.

BEGINNING OF THE END OF MISERY?

Let us begin like I like to begin the most, from the beginning. Or from the last thing I shared. Ashram life. To stay or to go? I am absolutely fascinated with the process of the decision-making and all that it brought along. Various teams offered me different kinds of employment and projects. For weeks, I have been writing up all the possibilities and best options for the next step in my life.

A very dear colleague/friend of mine, perfectly described my 13-year engagement in Art of Living: It is difficult to name a department Gordana has not worked for. With all the different options, interesting projects, various financing offers, locations, it was not easy to ‘decide’. I could not make the decision yet. I just cut the options down and made it simpler: two locations, two projects per location and two projects unrelated to the location. The bare minimum! Then I cut it down further to the most important decision, which was: Ashram or Zagreb. One and the other had its advantages and disadvantages. I had a few parameters I referred to:
– finance
– location
– close to family and friends
– work fun
– work environment
– advancing in the project
– longer term solution

Based on all of the above, the Ashram took the first place. One thing was still bothering me. Was I going to be unsatisfied in the Ashram, and feel too separated from the outer world? That was the reason of my doubt, maybe Zagreb would be better?

In the end I did what I felt was the most implrtant thing for me. I asked the Guru. I knew he could clear my head. In the end I just needed a small stamp to finally make my decision, that I already felt was right. At the same time, I was truly open to receive an advice, even if it would be something diametrically opposite from what I wanted.

THE BREAKTHROUGH

The question was simply: Ashram or Zagreb? The answer was, surprisingly: ‘You can choose.’ Wow! Yes, the decision is on me this time. I need to know what I truly want. I knew, it is to be in the centre of European events.

Still there was a little doubt in me, whether or not the Ashram is my comfort zone? Whether or not I am running away from life, out there? So, I went on to ask another question: ‘Is the Ashram good for me?’ and the reply was: ‘I want you for our next big project, as soon as it is in motion’. Therefore, Ashram until further notice, until the next big thing, that could be quite a change for all of us, as part of the organization. I know you must be super curious, but I do not wish to spoil the surprise – I’ll let you know in good time.

What was really a breakthrough for me in the last 6 months, is that I have explored all the working avenues I wished to have in life, and after all that concluded, from the bottom of my soul, in a crystal clear way, that I am certain where my heart belongs to. It belongs to this Path. Not to working in a city, or another carrier. It belongs exactly where I am now, and where I intend to stay. I always did everything to the extreme, until the limit, to the end. That seems to be the only way to feel that deepest inner contentment. Only when I am completely and totally, with heart, soul and head in something, only then am I satisfied. Nothing less than that, no compromise, no adjusting really can make me content. I cannot be!

All that is on the outside, so what about the inner state? Oh ye, inner world, what news have you given?

How to know that you are ‘right’ and yet let go of the attachment of ‘being right’? If I KNOW how something is done, and the other does not and also refuses to hear me out? How, knowing you are right, to let nature educate the other person? To allow the environment, sitations teach the person of what she or he are doing wrong, and not only me and me alone? At the same time to be right, to know I am right, yet, create and feel the space for the other person to receive the lesson in a way they can implement the change, and not only have more resistance to myself. A miracle!

GOODY GIRL BECAME DRAGON and vice versa

Something inside of me change from the very roots. I finally see it now clear as day, and it manifests in my daily activities. Firstly, as I had already mentioned, I act more freely with showing anger, communicating directly, but also showing more heart. I had a breakdown recently that helped bring down my personal Chinese wall in front of others. If I were to tell you from the top of my tongue, what I am afraid of the most, would be: loneliness. You too? A wonder!

I became aware that this fear of mine manifests by hiding my insides, like it was sacred. No one comes in! At the same time, I really, really, really love people a lot. In general and in a personal way. I love a lot of people. I am super emo. Mega giga emo. I live my life driven by my emotions.

Reason shows up here and there, most commonly in the form of motherly reminders where I stand in reality. If I allow people to see how much I love them, that means they are in. Once they are in, they can do whatever they want. When they do what they want, I suffer, because I care too much. I have a hard time handling others’ suffering, because I take it to heart. If I allow them to come in and see my own? I am done. They go, leaving me, forgetting and not loving, and then my suffering is planetary. Yet, if I do not let them in, they keep knocking on my door for a while, until I cry out from the other side of the wall that I am not at home. I keep yelling: I am not here! Then the real chaos happens. The mob forwards, wanting to knock down the wall, and then I take my cannons out. War it is!

A layer of the wall peeled down, now the public knows of the hay house hiding behind the stone wall. As the cannons have been removed, a guard replaced them – awareness. Every single moment I am the sentry, and as soon as there is something fishy, I start snarling. Before I would squat behind the wall, until the gate would be close to falling, then panic and shoot. Before they come barging in, I am ready. As the doors have opened now, whoever wishes can come and have tea and cookies.

I broke a string for the first time in my life, Dragon-Kid / / / Pukla mi je žica prvi put u životu, Aždajica

I LOVE NATURE

Completely unrelated. We recently went to search for a lake to swim in. The first day the map took us to a little puddle and a stream, so we splashed about in the shallow water, and got stuck in weeds, instead of swimming and sunbathing. The next day we drove on a miniature path along a deep fall, just to have to take a long down spiral hike on a bumpy path, in our flip-flops. We had a swim in the most disgusting looking water in history of lakes (a brownish, green-yellow color) and had to return the same long way. The third day I had not gone out at all and the guys I went with the two previous days, made sure not to have new ‘challenges’ and had a long swim in the local swimming pool. What was really interesting were the opposites. The joy and excitement of planning nice nature trips, resulting in being unpleasant, at the least! More like, scary and completely useless. Both trips were also quite good fun mixed with the queasiness of not knowing where we would get to and disappointment with the end result. Expecting a nice swim in the water, we got splashing in shallow water and an unpleasant dip in a giant brown mud-puddle. Equally beautiful, fun and challenging trips and at the same time unpleasant, weird and tiring.

While we took the winding road to the hilltop, I watched carefully the Black Forest trees. I watched, listened and felt. As I was thinking a lot about Mordor in those days (not necessarily connected to anything, just a Tolkien obsession), I saw elves in the eye of my mind. It hit me: Elves are projected tree souls! Nothing more than that. If we would be able to see the souls of trees, they would look exactly like elves.

Always never nothing is the same.

The third trip was completely spontaneous, and not at all planned, but it had to happen. An entire day-trip, spiced up with Indian lunch and Italian dinner. In between, swimming in the beautiful lake, jumping into the water, sunbathing, music, refreshing summer rain, a wonderful stroll through the city and easy company… Better and better. The most beautiful part was that the heads were empty most of the day. A reward!

Now, the biggest reward. After more than a 4-month long resistance, I am assisting the Teacher Training. This is my fourth year with this department, and I was happy to see the changes that occurred in between, how the organisation itself is progressing, and my role keeps changing.

FLOW

I have been spending time with people lately, who use this expressing of ‘being in the flow’. When everything is just as it is, just flowing perfectly. As if there were an invisible hand guiding me, I go here, I meet this and this person, they tell me whatever they do, and it all makes perfect sense why I was there at that particular time. I don’t know how that happens, but it does. It was so difficult and hard for a while there, and then it completely turned over. Now all is beautiful and perfect. Until when, mommy? I hope for a longer while.

European Teacher Training Desk Team 2018 (unfortunately not complete) / / / Europski tim podučavanja novih učitelja (nažalost ne sasvim potpun)

********HRVATSKA VERZIJA OVDJE********

SREDINA – CENTAR – STUP

I što ti na kraju krajeva treba da budeš sasvim zadovoljan i sretna?

Za mene sada to dolazi iz osjećaja potpune predanosti tome što radim, u svakom trenutku. Da li je uopće bitno što je to točno, to što radimo? Dok god SVE što radim, radim sa sto posto posvećenosti, dotad se osjećam apsolutno ispunjeno do vrha. Kad god se nećkam i opirem, i neću i ne da mi se – najjednostavnije stvari postaju veliki napor.

Koliko je hrabrosti i volje potrebno da osjećaš odgovornost za stanje svog uma, i svoje energije? Do kada je potrebno da dajemo svoju snagu i moć drugima, čineći ih glavnima i odgovornima za ono kako se mi osjećamo i za ono što se događa u našim životima?

I onda druga strana. Do kad ćemo se opirati stvarnosti koja se događa? Do kad ne prihvaćati stvarno stanje stvari? U nadi i želji da bude drugačije, propuštati milijarde sadašnjih trenutaka?

Ili previše pasive i naizgledne lagode koja nas vodi u letargiju i depresiju, ili više akcije koja nas vodi u osjećaj da je sve na nama, gdje se čini da nikad nema odmora.

U svakom trenutku svjesnosti, vraćanje nazad k sebi. Dogodilo se što se dogodilo, napravili smo što smo mogli. I to je to!

Eto, sad sam nam svima riješila sve životne probleme. Lako tako.

POČETAK KRAJA MIŽERIJE?

Ajmo onako kako najviše volim, otpočetka. Ili otamo gdje sam zadnje stala. Život u Ashramu. Ostati ili otići? Apsolutno se divim procesu odlučivanja i svega što mi je donio. Različiti timovi su mi ponudili različita zaposlenja i projekte. Tjednima sam raspisivala sve mogućnosti i najbolje opcije za daljnji život.

Jako mi draga kolegica/prijateljica, savršeno je opisala moj dosadašnji 13-godišnji angažman: teško je imenovati odjel u Art of Livingu u kojem Gordana nije radila. Uslijed svih tih opcija, zanimljivih projekata, različitih financija, lokacija, nije mi bilo baš lako ‘odlučiti’. I nisam mogla odlučiti. Samo sam srezala i pojednostavila opcije: dvije lokacije, po dva projekta na svakoj lokaciji i dva projekata nevezana uz lokaciju. Minumum! Zatim sam to sve svela na najvažniju odluku, a ta je bila: Ashram ili Zagreb. I jedno i drugo je imalo svoje prednosti i mane. Imala sam nekoliko referentnih parametara:
Novci
Lokacija
Blizina obitelji i prijatelja
Zabava posla
Radno okruženje
Napredak u projektu
Dugoročnije rješenje

Na temelju toga svega, prevagnuo je Ashram. No, mučila me jedna stvar, a to je hoću li u Ashramu biti nezadovoljna i osjećati se pre-odvojeno od vanjskog svijeta? Iz tog razloga sam se opet nećkala, možda bolje Zagreb?

Na kraju sam napravila ono što sam osjećala da je najvažnije za mene. Pitala sam Gurua. Znala sam da mi on može raščistiti glavu. Doduše, trebao mi je na samom kraju pred odluku samo pečatić na ono što sam već osjećala da će biti. I istovremeno sam bila potpuno spremna da Njegov savjet može biti opet nešto potpuno drugo od onog što sam zamislila.

PRIJELOM

Pitanje je bilo: Ashram ili Zagreb? Odgovor je začuđujuće bio: ‘Ti možeš izabrati.’ Wow! Da, odluka je na meni. Ja trebam znati što uistinu želim. I znala sam, želim biti u centru evropskih događanja.

Ipak je unutra bila mala sumnja, je li Ashram za mene zona komfora? Bježim li, bojim li se života tamo vani? Pa sam pitala dalje, ‘Ashram je dobar za mene?’, odgovor je došao: ‘Želim te za sljedeći veliki projekt, čim se ostvari’. Znači, Ashram do daljnjeg, do sljedećeg projekta, koji bi mogao biti velika promjena za sve nas u organizaciji. Znam da znatiželja radi, ali ne želim kvariti iznenađenje, dakle – otom potom.

Ono što se još jednom prelomilo u meni u ovom zadnjem razdoblju od pola godine, je to što sam isprobala sve radne opcije koje sam htjela u životu, i na kraju zaključila da mi je iz dubine duše, sasvim kristalno, nesumnjivo jasno, da znam gdje moje srce pripada. Pripada ovom Putu. Ne pripada poslu u gradu, nekoj drugoj karijeri. Pripada ovdje gdje jesam, i tu ću i ostati. Uvijek sam sve radila do ekstrema, do kraja, do zadnje granice. I jedino tako mogu osjetiti ono najdublje unutarnje zadovoljstvo. Samo kada sam srcem, dušom i glavom u nečemu, jedino tada sam zadovoljna. Ništa manje od toga, nikakav kompromis, nikakvo pristajanje me ne zadovoljava. Ne mogu!

To je izvana sve. A iznutra? Uh, unutarnji svijete, što si mi pokazao novoga?

Na koji način znati da si ‘u pravu’ i istovremeno pustiti vezanost za ‘bivanje u pravu’? Ako ja ZNAM kako se nešto radi, a druga osoba ne zna, i ne želi me čuti? Kako znati da si u pravu, i istovremeno pustiti drugog da ga priroda sama poduči? Da ga okolina, situacije, nauče, a ne nužno samo ja? Istovremeno biti u pravu i znati da sam u pravu, i istovremeno kreirati, osjetiti prostor za tu osobu da sama dobije lekciju, na onaj način na koji će promjenu moći primijeniti, a ne samo biti u otporu prema meni. Čudo!

DOBRICA POSTALA AŽDAJA i obrnuto

Također, nešto se unutar mene baš korijenski promijenilo. Napokon to sada vidim jasno kao dan, i manifestira mi se u svakodnevnim interakcijama. Prvo, kao što sam već spomenula, ponašam se puno slobodnije što se tiče pokazivanja ljutnje, direktne komunikacije, ali i pokazivanja srca. Imala sam nedavno još jedan prijelom koji je srušio moj osobni kineski zid prema drugima. Kada bih ti sada s vrha jezika lanula čega se najviše bojim: samoće. I ti? Čudo!

Osvijestila sam da se taj moj strah manifestira tako da skrivam svoju nutrinu, poput kakve svetinje. Nitko ne ulazi! Istovremeno, jako, jako, jako volim ljude. Općenito i osobno. Volim mnogo ljudi. I teški sam oblik emotivca. Najteži slučaj. Živim život vođena emocijom. Razum se povremeno pojavljuje, najčešće u obliku majčinskih podsjetnika gdje se nalazim u stvarnosti. Ako dopustim ljudima da vide koliko ih volim, onda znači da su unutra. Kad su unutra, mogu napraviti što žele. Kada rade što žele, obično nadrapam, jer mi je previše stalo. Teško podnosim tuđu muku, jer je primam k srcu. Ako im još dam da uđu i vide moju… Gotova sam. Odu, ostave me, zaborave, ne vole, i onda sam u patnji planetarnoj. Međutim, ako ne dam da uđu, a kucaju na vratima neko vrijeme, moram im viknuti s druge strane zida da nisam kod kuće. Vičem ja tako: Nisam tu! Onda tek nastaje kaos. Navalila raja, hoće da sruši zid, a ja vadim topove. Rat!

Srušio mi se jedan sloj zida, i sad javnost zna da je iza zida – kućica od slame. Kako su se topovi sklonili, zamijenila ih je straža – svjesnost. U svakom trenutku budno stražarim i  čim se netko sumnjiv približi, režim. Ne kao prije, dok sam čučala iza zida dok netko ne bi navalio, pa paničarila i pucala po svemu. Prije nego navale, spremna sam. I naravno, kako su vrata sada otvorena, tko hoće, može doći na čaj i kekse.

VOLIM PRIRODU

Potpuno nevezano. Išli smo nedavno u potragu za jezerom za kupanje. Prvi dan nas je karta navela na baricu i potočić, pa smo se zalijevali vodicom u plićaku, umjesto plivanja i sunčanja. Sutradan smo se vozili minijaturnim puteljkom uz prijetnju ogromne šumske provalije, da bi na kraju strmoglavi spust do jezera obavili u japankama, okupali se u najneprivlačnijem jezeru u povijesti (smeđe, zeleno-žute boje, bez dna) i neoduševljeni se vratili istim putem. Treći dan nisam izašla, a ekipa s kojom sam prošla avanture prethodna dva dana, su se osigurali protiv novih ‘izazova’, te se okupali u najbližem bazenu, u selu do. Ono što je bilo zanimljivo su doživljene suprotnosti. Veselje i očekivanje i planiranje lijepih izleta, koji su na kraju bili u najmanju ruku nelagodni, ponegdje zastrašujući i naizgled potpuno besmisleni. Oba izleta su bila također i izrazito zabavna, pomiješana s nelagodom neznanja gdje ćemo završiti i popriličnog razočaranja krajnjim rezultatom (očekujući plivanje u vodi, dobili smo brčkanje i nelagodno kupanje u smeđoj bari). Jednako lijepi i zabavni i izazovni izleti, istovremeno nelagodni, čudni, umarajući.

Dok smo se vozili vijugavim cesticama do vrha brda, gledala sam stabla Crne Šume. Gledala, slušala i osjećala. Kako sam tih dana dosta mislila na Mordor (nevezano ni uz šta posebno), u umu su mi se ocrtali vilenjaci. Pogodilo me: Vilenjaci su projicirane duše stabala. Ništa više od toga. Kada bi mogli vidjeti duše stabala, vidjeli bi da izgledaju isto poput vilenjaka.

Uvijek nikad ništa nije isto.  

Treći izlet je bio potpuno spontan i neplaniran, ali morao se dogoditi. Cjelodnevni izlet, začinjen indijskim ručkom i talijanskom večerom. Između, plivanje u prekrasnom jezeru, skakanje u vodu, sunčanje, glazba, ljetna osvježavajuća kišica, prekrasna šetnja gradićem u lagodnom društvu… Sve bolje od boljeg. A najljepše od svega, cijeli dan u glavi skoro pa ništa. Nagrada!

I sada, najveća nagrada, nakon više-mjesečnog opiranja, da ponovno asistiram na učiteljskom tečaju. Ovo mi je četvrta godina s tim odjelom, i veseli me moći vidjeti promjene koje su se dogodile u međuvremenu, kako je organizacija napredovala, i moja uloga, kako je svaki puta drugačija.

FLOW

U zadnje vrijeme se družim s par ljudi koji koriste taj izraz: „flow“. Ono kad ti sve teče, točno kako treba. Kao navođena nevidljivom rukom, idem tu, sretnem toga i toga, ta osoba mi kaže to i to, i sve ima savršenog smisla i svrhe. Ne znam kako do toga dođe, ali tako je. Bilo je baš grozno i naporno neko vrijeme, i onda se sve promijenilo u suprotnu stranu. Sada je sve lijepo i savršeno. Dokad mamice? Nadam se neko duže vrijeme.

Being in the flow, even if it’s in a bucket / / / Kad sve teče, čak kad je u kanti