What does it even mean to be full-time in Art of Living? For me it means being a full-time devotee, with less or no needs of my own. Being available for what is needed out there, without much personal agenda. Even in the role of a full-time teacher, we want to achieve, we want to own, we want to succeed, we want to save the world, we want. Slowly, but surely, coming to the realisation that even the desire to serve in this or that way, is another desire. Another ‘want’, another pull into a direction we desire, that does not allow ourselves to flow with what is laid out for us. Ultimately, even that desire is part of each and everyone’s personal life flow.

The first time I have done a Silence course in my life, I felt so bad. I felt my body was being beaten like a dusty carpet. After the dust was thoroughly removed, at the end of the 7-day meditative journey with Swami Sadyojathah and (then) Swami Pragyapad, I sat in the sun in front of our Spring Hall in Bad Antogast. My dynamic YES!+ teacher (Vesna Horvat) was sitting next to me, smiling. I had only one question in my heart and mind; from the deepest silent space within me I asked: “How do I become a full-time teacher of ‘this’?” Meaning, how can I make my entire life and every cell of my body, and each inch of my mind dedicated to this Knowledge, Practices and Path? She smiled more broadly, and said: “Easy, you just need to watch some videos and do a few more things, and you’re there”. I was thrilled. It was 2007.

A few years later, after my Path had its starting ups and downs, I longed to do a youth program, called ‘YES! We Can’. I cried when it was held in Bad Antogast for the first time, for not being able to join. Just a few years later, my opportunity came. The same program was then held in Bulgaria. It was closer by, it was cheaper, the timing was better. I had no money, so I hitchhiked most of the way and took a long train ride to come. I had not expected to become a teacher that year, in 2010, but did. The Teacher Training was included in the program, with the superbly sharp, yet gentle Kamlesh Patel. There I was, a teacher. The same year, Gurudev visited Milan, and so did I. 5 years after doing my first Art of Living course (breathe SMART, a youth-oriented drug-prevention program, subsidised from a government project), I wanted to speak to my Master. I asked only one question: “Should I be full-time?” The answer came with the most beautiful, widest smile in the Universe: “Yeeeeees!”

I took it seriously, I felt I needed to go ‘somewhere’ to teach. It came to my attention that there was a need for a teacher in Iceland. Well, that seemed interesting. I did all the research, spoke to the people involved and pushed myself through to come to Iceland. I was de-recommended a few times to go, but unsurprisingly, according to my general personality, I forced nature to get me to that place.

My first Art of Living project as a full-time teacher, immediately after becoming a teacher! I was super enthusiastic. Arriving to Iceland, I felt I would be moving mountains. I arrived – no one at the airport. As I was, like usual, quite broke, I hitched a ride to the residence of my host. She introduced me to her house and surroundings, and in a matter of a day, left, not to come back for another two weeks. Boy, was I alone in those weeks. I started to compose my little songs and I did a lot of practice. The challenges were huge, but I was just so driven to overcome them all. 


 After three months, and not much progress in reality, I was sent home with a resignation letter. “Gurudev has opened the door for you to be full-time, but now you need to prove that you can do it differently.” I spent a few years out of Croatian’s capital, searching for smaller communities and more peaceful environments. Iceland has taught me to appreciate being alone. A couple of years later, after more roller-coaster rides with and without Art of Living, I was invited to come to India for a short-term social media project. Of course I wanted to go to India, it is the Capital of the Art of Living World. The plan was to stay for three months and come back to continue with my life. Finish Uni, find a job, get married and all that jazz?

The moment I landed in the Ashram in Bangalore, I slept for a few hours (jet-lagged), to be woken up and directly taken to a meeting with Gurudev, with my new team, the Web Team. Soon after, I was praying and begging the Universe for the opportunity to stay in India indefinitely. The idea of the desired life in Croatia seemed so far away and meaningless, in the face of the daily craziness and loveliness of living in the Ashram village. It was also the best work experience I had in my life! It was the best spiritual experience I had so far as well. It was so challenging, but also simultaneously brought so much relief. After 6 months, I had planned to go to Croatia and come back, but was asked to stay and extend my visa without going home.

During this time, I had asked Gurudev a few times if I should be full-time, which was redundant, as I was already working in the ashram, and have been receiving a scholarship, as the time I stayed was so long. He kept saying “Yes, yes”, and I kept feeling: “Am I really full-time?” As the full-time work included the web work, and not teaching. But he said again and again: “Yes, yes.” When I wanted to do other things, outside Art of Living, he would gently ask me what it is, what I would like to do, and if I can do it within the organisation.  

I finally went home after one year. I really wanted to come home. I missed my life and my family. Only three weeks later, I ended up in the German ashram. I did not plan to come, but something inside me was telling me: “Go, go!” The moment I came up the stairs to the reception, I felt all my newly made plans for life in Croatia were again so silly and I wished and wished and cried out in wanting to stay in the Ashram. I had the same experience a few years back, before India, I sat in front of the Bad Antogast Ashram fireplace with my sister, and with tears in my eyes, explained how I longed to be here always and never have to come back to my life in Croatia. Wishes do come true, we only do not know when.

I came to Gurudev, this time with an open heart, for any suggestions. I asked: “What can I do?” He asked me nicely: “Would you like to to stay here (in the Ashram)?”. At that time, after India, I had an idea how I would travel and teach, so I was disappointed with the offer. I said: “No!” He gently replied that we will plan something for me and had sent me out of the meeting room. Just a few hours later, it dawned on me: He was suggesting me to stay. I better stay. There is always the right time for the right things, only we usually wish them to come sooner than they do.  

So, I stayed. For two years and four months. A difficult time. In India, there was so much relief after every problematic situation, and here, I had to take care of others, and who could take care of me? I had to learn a lot, and I did. I kept asking him if I can leave, or do something else. And in more than one way we gently suggested me to stay. What I really learned in this time was how to face discomfort and stay with what was offered, instead of taking the easy way out. That entire time of my stay in the Ashram, I longed to be in Croatia, go out, have normal friends, be more in touch with my family. ‘The grass is always greener’ syndrome, right?

After the long dragging years, full of challenges, I started to love staying in Germany and knew something must be up soon. In a matter of two months, everything changed again, and I was on my way to be full-time in Croatia. My sister stayed back in the Ashram. We were happy for a day, thinking we would stay together in Bad Antogast, cos she just got a job there, but soon after, the decision was made that I will be moving to Croatia. Everyone their separate ways.

I was happy and excited to go out there and live the full-timer life as well as be involved into my regular life, people and activities. It was good, but hard work. I had spent four years living in ashrams, and I felt very alone. Soon I made friends, and recovered old friendships. I was living at the seaside, enjoying the lovely sun-filled days, going to concerts and dancing from time to time. But I missed my Ashram Sangha.

I moved along, did my very best to move things in the place I was living. Things went slow. I had all my worldly pleasures, I had lived in a partnership for a while, I had lovely residences, I was close to family, I enjoyed the company and the environment. Yet, something was missing. I felt all the time I could do more and better, and felt unsatisfied with how things went. I felt I could do more and more and more, but somehow life was putting me down. Finally, I decided to quit the Art of Living job and do something else. Feeling that if I earn more money and have my own choices about projects, I could contribute even more to Art of Living as a free agent. So, even that came true. I had my own business and was making some money, with the promise that it would only be more prosperous. But. I was deeply saddened for not being full-time anymore. Those short two months seemed to drag in desperation of losing a purpose, a heart-filling life purpose. What I did was also helping people grow and heal, but it just did not have the same flavour as my Art of Living environment that I had belonged to for 13 years already.

I had intended to stick to my newly-chosen life and had no intention of coming back to Art of Living for a long while. Yet, the divine had other plans. Sooner than you know it, I was back in front of Him, sharing how broken-hearted I was for not working for the organisation. He suggested a different place to live. This game-changer gave yet another promise of new beginnings and a new hope that things would be much better this time.

With no intention to stay in Ashrams, I had planned to go and live in Croatia’s capital and had plans for new projects and financing. But before that was to be realised, I had some time, and decided to come to the Ashram for the summer. Actually, at first Ashram was in the plan, then I realised I needed to earn more and looked for a job outside, but somehow, unavoidably ended up in the Ashram, employed for the summer.

I had many options and all were good in their own way. This time he had not suggested anything, like in previous instances, and just said: “You can choose.” This time it was clearer than the clearest sky: I wish to stay in the Ashram. I wish to be full-time. That is the only thing I ever really wanted in this life. I want to be / do / breathe full-time for the Art of Living or any of its departments and varieties.

So, here I am, back to my forest home, amongst people I have known for so long, with projects I know so much about, in the environment I feel is the most comfortable for me.

It took me so long to be in the space I am in right now. 11 years ago, I knew that the only thing I wanted to be in this life, is full-time for Art of Living. 11 years later, after all the roller-coasters, I feel I am finally where I wanted to be then.

There is this inner satisfaction with everything that comes my way, even if I struggle in between. I know I am in the right place. I know I am where I always wanted to be. I have no more desires to do other things, because I did, and they did not make me truly fulfilled.

Yes, however weird it may sound, I wish to serve a purpose that my Master put in front of me. Everything else in my life is secondary. Which does not mean I do not love my family, country or friends, and that I have nun-style renounced everything and everyone. No. It means I have known my life purpose for so many years and I am finally living it full-heartedly. With full love and gratitude for all experiences in my life. With full dedication to my family and friends at home, I know I need to be where I am right now.

I have finally made a decision. My own decision, based on what I feel and what I want. Not what others think is best for me, not even my Guru.

I have finally made peace with the decision of how to live my life. And this is it!

I feel so much more relaxed, I feel deep peace and openness to do and be wherever it is needed. I feel I have so much more decisive power over my own life and yet, at the same time, complete dedication to my Master, and to whatever he suggests me to do.

The thing is that this entire time a game was played, for me to realise I have absolute control and I have no control at all. Life will show me what is next, and I will be where it is needed.

Thank you for listening all this time. This entire journey has been written in detail on this blog, from 2010, when I left for my Teacher Training (the YES! We Can program).

Love and blessings to all those who made all my experiences difficult and easy. Both made me into who I am today.

Looking forward to what is waiting around the next corner – to all the new challenges and flows and learnings.

Jai Guru Dev (I wish victory to the great divine within you)

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*Image quotes taken from here: https://thisisnthappiness.com/post/171445751064/born-on-this-day-dr-seuss