HRVATSKA VERZIJA ISPOD!

NAUGHTY, I AM, YES.

Being naughty is finally giving me a headache. I was so happy to arrive to a new level of directness, to the point it started coming back like a boomerang. You cannot do too much of nothing. I cannot remember exactly the reason for it, but for a few days there I lived in pure hatred. Pure evil and hatred were my constant companions. Watching people smile, saying nice things, was twisted in my eyes into a distorted world, where everything seemed so weird and ugly, like when you’re on acid (acid or trip=a hallucinogenic called LSD). Like a bad trip, everything became a botheration. It must have been Mercury Retrograde. In my personal chart, that planet is burned, retrograde and I was also in a small period of Mercury – three out of three indications that you will not be having a good time.

GOODY GOOD, SHE AND HE. WERE.

I want to tell you about empathy. About how I tend to feel other people’s pain and then I am pain. Every time that happens I usually know if the emotions are mine or from someone else. Depending on the intensity of other’s feelings, for sure. But, this is not about me. This is…to say that I have compassion, or rather I feel the pain of those close to me. People I feel closer to, the pain becomes stronger. This is difficult to utter, but I will have to. These are my feelings now: A great white soul has decided to go to another place. Maybe she got bored with us. Dasha. Dasha is a doggy. Chau and Samojed breed, if this is important to anyone. By the name of Dasha. She was an undivided part of my family for quite a few years. Long enough that I cannot remember the exact time when she showed up. She was here. She is here no longer.

Except Dasha, a few more people have gone. One such person is Dharma. Sova. He left me a bhajan (mantra song) that he played and loved to play, so I remember him. Often. How come that we spend such a sweet and short time together 6 years earlier to meet again suddenly and unexpectedly not so long ago? I don’t know. Do not ask.

Entire lives come and go, yet, the smallest moments are heavy as stone. When life gives you a good squeeze. When a brick flies in your direction. When you do not know where you are nor where you would even like to be, but you do know that where you are at is not where you have to be. Is this feeling always present? That this is not IT. Is this an eternal state, that nothing is ever as it should be?

Dharma & Daša

GOT ENLIGHTENED, AHA.

Yoga Vasistha (a part of a Veda, coming from India, something someone once wrote) starts off with Rama’s incessant complaining how everything sucks. First we’re babies, so we are not really aware of anything, then we go into teenage, which is especially disgusting, living the life of a hormonal monster. Then we become young adults, seemingly start getting something, but actually not. Then supposedly the best age comes. I am looking at people around me and it does not seem they’re so excited and happy, more like in a state of crisis. Then old age. You feel young, but you cannot get why things are not like they once were and you start panicking that you’ll die and how everything passes. That is all only one life. How many were there? How many more to come? Until when will this continue? Rama is complaining and complaining, and so am I. Later the sage Vasistha nicely explains him how nothing is real. The rest of the book is how everything is unreal and eternity is the only thing that exists. In short.

You thought I would not mention the Guru, did you? Did you secretly hope I will not be mentioning Him this time? This time he is not the author, but retells a story: two shepherds, one kind, the other less kind. The less kind one was sitting and wondering when he would get enlightened, so God sent him word that it would be in a couple of lives. The guy went berserk, lamenting on how all his meditation and efforts in this life were in vain… While the kind one was not even much interested, but God’s message had reached him, nonetheless. It stated that he would be enlightened after living as many more lives as there were leaves in one tree. He considered this to be really cool and started celebrating and dancing, went crazy. It is said he got enlightened there and then. Wise, huh? You can basically stick it with all this wise stuff, when even Rama felt all was in vain and boring and good for nothing, because one has not yet got enlightened. That shepherd had a great time, he was so relaxed. Did he arrive to this state of being so totally relaxed about life, or did this happen just like that? When that basic mathematics would actually be accurate (if…then…), that would have made me quite happy.

Like in the game “Black and White”, if you are naughty, the reward is less. But if you are goody good, the rewards are more useful, the process itself becomes more complex, asking for a greater investment. You can use the intellect and effort to solve the riddles and puzzles, or you can break everything down and go to the next task immediately. Just, the reward is less if you are naughty.

GOOD ALWAYS WINS?

So, two things. What does it really mean to be naughty? (This takes me back to the 4 years of a high-school subject called Ethics). And the 2nd thing is Karma, the always returning one. Karma. Everything you do, boomerangs back. What you reap, you shall sow. Yes, I keep getting my boomerang back, but others are getting their boomerang back through me. being naughty cannot be avoided.

1. Naughtiness is a relative term. Let us limit it to something I would call “allowed naughtiness”, expressed verbally or mentally (emotionally) and physically. Let us say that it is allowed to show displeasure and criticism verbally. Whichever tone of voice we use all of the above, depends of the person accepting the complaint, how they will take it in.
Another factor is included here. Words are one, and another is the energy behind the words.
(I keep having this nagging feeling that I am just going in circles with my egg/chicken, chiken/egg first, packed together with “All is relative”. That is how the day is going, that is how this period is going. Anything is possible!)
Let’s move on to something a little more concrete: He says to Him: Come, come on time today, so we can finish on time as well. He turns to us and says: How can he be so impolite? What an attitude! He didn’t even say good morning, nothing! Such rudeness! Two people having a simple conversation turns into a complete misunderstanding of souls. Everyone else present felt the same sentence and approach were diametrically different: a kindly put, simple request.
Have I already mentioned how everyone creates their own reality? What I wish to convey here is that person number 1 thought nothing malicious, and even the energy behind the request was benevolent. Person number 2 (Him) experienced the lack of an introduction and kinder words as an insult, a request as an order, and therefor had not even noticed the true softness in the energy behind the appearance.

2. Continuing on number 1. We perceive people and what they tell us differently in each next moment. In reality, we behave like mental hospital patients. Today you say one thing, and I perceive it as one thing. Tomorrow you say the same, and I perceive it in a completely different way. And on top of that, we demand of others to change THEIR behaviour! At the same time completely inconsistent in all we do and demand.
We keep wasting our lives in debating spoken words, or what we assume the other person had thought, but not said at all. If I have the impulse to react to you in a certain way at a given time, I don’t know in what way it will be perceived. If I have good intentions, maybe you will not recognise it. Even if I have bad intentions, maybe you come over and give me a big compassionate hug? If I have done something bad in my past, and that has to boomerang back one way or the other – someone’s gotta be the executioner!
Are you an evil person, just because destiny has chosen you to be the bloody executioner?

There is no third thing. There are a few more tiny things running in circles inside my little head. One of them is that there is no good or bad, only that what is. Did I just knock everyone out with this amazing epiphany? I truly have touched the universal truth of the entire existence, the universe and living beings in it. To repeat it: There is only what is. Now you know. I know this is the truth, as it comes from the very depth of my existence, the most intuitive corner of Me, and now I am sharing this with You. You must feel special now, privileged, enlightened? Me to!

Now, seriously. There is such a thing as bad behaviour, whether on purpose, or not, but it depends on the receiver (the victim of the naughtiness), how they will receive it. It depends on the scale of naughtiness the individual carries along. Therefore, no one is bad to me, nor am I bad to anyone! That is my ethically-logical conclusion of the day!

THE MUNDANE

Except all of the above, strictly speaking in an earthly more, I had a short sick-leave, too much of screen-staring. I still don’t really know how to balance between what I like to do, but tires me, and what I do to feel charged and rested. I spent my sick-leave staring at the ceiling, sleeping and listening to all sorts of stuff, as I was unable to even peek at screens

After having slept like a baby, day and night, I am feeling much better. The headache that carried the pain as powerful as a sonic boom must be, is gone. Why would I have such a headache? Because my digestive system is weak. And why is it weak? Because I am constricting myself. Unbelievable how much this entire stomach and abdominal area is stiff, trapped and contracted. How my digestion has deteriorated in the last half-year. Am I alright? What is the emotional reason behind all this stiffness? Will I manage to save myself? Will someone be able to cure me?

Read about it in the next episode about Passion of Gordana. Because this is my life. A Great Passion. And Great Dispassion. One, then the other, in constant alteration.

Enjoy the snow!

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ZLOĆKA, TO SAM, DA.

Zloćko me došao glave. Toliko sam se veselila tom novo-postignutom nivou direktnosti, koji me došao glave. Ne može ništa u prevelikim količinama. Ne znam što je točno bilo povod, ali nedavno me nekoliko cijelih dana prao hejt. Čisto zlo i mržnja me obuzeli. Gledam ljude kako se smiju, kako govore lijepe stvari, a čujem i vidim distorzirani svijet, u kojem je sve izobličeno i kao na tripu (trip=halucinogena droga zvana LSD). Kao na lošem tripu, kad ti sve smeta i loše je. Mora da je to bio taj Retrogradni Merkur. Kod mene osobno kao planeta u horoskopu spaljen, i retrogradan, te također i mali period merkura – sve tri indikacije da će te merkur opaliti po nosu krasnom, ako te to zanima.

DOBRICA, ONA i ON SU. BILI.

Želim pisati o empatiji. O tome kako osjećam tuđu bol, i onda bolim. Svaki puta kad se to dogodi, obično znam jesu li to izvorno moji osjećaji, ili tuđi. Ovisi o intenzitetu tuđih osjećaja, svakako. No, ovo nije o meni. Ovo je…za reći da suosjećam ili pače, osjećam tuđu bol, kada su mi bića bliska. Bliska bol i bliski ljudi. Teško je samo to reći. Ali morat ću. Ovo su sada moji osjećaji: bijelo klupko mira i lagodne sreće nije više s nama. Velika bijela dušica je odlučila otići negdje drugdje. Možda smo joj dosadili. Daši. Daša je pas. Pasmine Chau i Samojed, ako je to ikome važno. Imena Daša. Bila u milosti i nemilosti moje obitelji dugi niz godina. Dovoljno dugo da se ni ne sjećam kada se pojavila. Bila je tu. Sad više nije.

Osim Daše, još par ljudi nema više. Bar ne u obliku u kojem sam ih ja poznavala. Jedan takav čovjek je Dharma. Sova. Ostavio mi je jedan bhajan (pjesma s mantrama) koji je svirao i volio pjevati, pa ga se sjetim. Često. Kako to da smo se kratko i slatko družili 6 godina ranije i onda iznenada ponovno i dosta kratko, no intenzivno, samo par mjeseci prije nego je odlučio otići iz meni poznatog svijeta? Ne znam. Ne pitaj me.

I tako životi dolaze i odlaze, a nama mali trenuci teški k’o teret jedne oveće klade. Kad ti život stisne glavu. Cigla kad te zvizne. Kad ne znaš gdje si i gdje bi želio biti, ali znaš da tu gdje jesi – nije to. Jel’ uvijek taj osjećaj da nije to to? Jel’ to vječna stavka, da ništa nije ono što bi trebalo biti?

PROSVIJETLIH SE, AHA.

Yoga Vasistha (dio jedne Vede, potekle iz Indije, ono što je tamo netko pis’o) počinje s tim da se mali Rama tužaka kako ništa ne valja. I kako je cijeli svijet teško nje-sra. Prvo smo bebe, pa ništa ne kužimo, onda smo tinejdžeri, a to je božemesačuvaj, hormonalna čudovišta. Onda smo kao mladi odrasli ljudi, tek tada ništa ne kužimo, onda k’o fol najbolje godine. Gledam ljude oko sebe, i ne djeluje mi baš da su najbolje, više bih rekla da djeluju krizno. A onda starost. Osjećaš se mlado, a ne kužiš zašto stvari nisu kao što su nekad bilo i krene te hvatat panika od smrti i prolaznosti svega. To je samo jedan život. Koliko ih je bilo? Koliko će ih još biti? Dokad tako? Žali se Rama, žalim se i ja. Poslije njemu svetac Vasistha sve lijepo objasni, kako ništa ne postoji. Ostatak knjige je većinom o tome kako je sve nestvarno, i samo je vječnost ono što jest. Ukratko.

E da ti ne bi propustila spomenuti Gurua! Jesi se malo ponadala/ponadao da neće biti njega ovaj put? Ali ovaj put nije on rekao, već prepričao pričicu: dva pastira, jedan zgodan, drugi nezgodan. Ovaj nezgodni se pitao kad će se više prosvijetlit i javi njemu Bog: ono, nakon još par života. Ovaj poludi, ajme meni i kuku lele, zar sav moj trud i meditacija u ovom životu uzalud? Dok zgodnog nije ni zanimalo, ali nekako je došla do njega poruka: Bog mu je poručio da će se prosvijetlit nakon što proživi još života koliko je lišća na jednom stablu. Njemu to bilo super, pa počeo slavit, plesat, razludio. Kažu da se tog trena prosvijetlio. Eto, mudro, a? A džaba ti to sve mudro, kad ti je ko Rami sve uzalud i bezze i dosadno, jer se nisi još prosvijetlio. Super je tom pastiru, kad je bio opušten. Jel’ on došao do tog stanja potpune opuštenosti sam ili mu se samo desilo? Kad bi ta osnovna matematika (ako….onda….) šljakala, to bi me razveselilo.

Kao u igrici ‘Black and White’, ako si zločest, nagrade su manje, ako si dobar, nagrade su zanimljivije, korisnije, i sam proces je kompleksniji, iziskuje veće ulaganje. Možeš razriješiti zagonetku intelektom i trudom, ili možeš sve razrušiti i doći na sljedeći nivo odmah. Samo. Nagrada je manja kad si zločest.

DOBRO UVIJEK POBJEĐUJE

Dakle, dvije stvari: Što to uopće znači biti zločest? Što je to točno zločesto ponašanje? (ovo me podsjeća na sve četiri godine predmeta Etike iz srednje škole). I druga stvar je – milo za drago? Karmetina. Sve se vraća – sve se plaća. Jest da se meni vraća i plaća, a također jest da se i kroz mene vraća drugima što se njima treba vratiti. Zločestoća je neizbježna.

1. Zločestoća je relativan pojam. Ajmo se ograničiti na nešto što ću proizvoljno označiti kao „dozvoljena zločestoća“. Izražena verbalno tj. mentalno (emocionalno) i fizički. Recimo da je verbalno dozvoljeno iskazati negodovanje, nezadovoljstvo, kritiku i tako dalje. Isključimo ružno neosnovano vrijeđanje za sada. Kojim god tonom izrazimo sve ovo gore navedeno, ovisno o tome tko kada prima verbalnu primjedbu, kako će je primiti.
Još je jedan faktor. Riječi su jedno, a energija iza riječi je nešto sasvim drugo. (Cijelo vrijeme imam podmukli osjećaj da samo pričam meljem bezveze, izmjenjujući priču jaje/kokoš, kokoš/jaje upakirano sa „sve je to relativno“. Takav mi je dan, takav mi je period. Sve je moguće!) 

Ajmo na malo konkretnije, da bude lakše: Kaže on Njemu: Ajde dođi danas na vrijeme, da završimo na vrijeme. Kaže On nama na to: Kakav mu je to nastup? Kako je samo nepristojan! Ni dobar dan, ni molim te. Bezobrazluk! Dakle, dvoje ljudi razgovara, to je sasvim jasno. Jedan kaže rečenicu. Drugi doživi rečenicu na gore navedeni način (Bezobrazluk!). Svi drugi dožive rečenicu na dijametralno suprotni način, kao najobičniju, uljudno iskazanu uputu.
Jesam li već spomenula da svatko kreira svoju stvarnost. Ono što želim napokon reći jest to da osoba 1 nije mislila apsolutno ništa loše, i čak je energija iza riječi bila sasvim benevolentna. Osoba 2 (On) je doživjela nedostatak uljudnih riječi kao uvredu, zamolbu kao naredbu, i nije zbog toga osjetila stvarnu mekoću iza riječi.

2.     Nadovezano na 1. Doživimo ljude i ono što nam kažu u svakom trenutku drugačije. Zapravo se svi ponašamo kao pacijenti bolnica za mentalne smetnje. Danas mi kažeš jedno, ja doživim na jedan način. Sutra mi opet kažeš jedno, a ja doživim na dvadeseti način. I onda još tražimo ljude da isprave SVOJE ponašanje! Dok smo sami potpuno nedosljedni u svemu što radimo i tražimo.
 Provodimo živote svađajući se oko izgovorenih riječi, onoga što pretpostavljamo da je druga osoba mislila, a nije uopće rekla i slično tome. Ako sam ja ponukana da reagiram na tebe na određeni način u određenom trenutku, nemam blage veze kako će tebe to dotaknuti. Ako imam dobre namjere, možda me zauzvrat upravo napadneš. Ako imam ružne namjere, možda me požališ i zagrliš? Ako sam ja u svojoj prošlosti učinila nešto loše i to mi se ima vratiti, netko mora biti krvnik!
Jesi li ti zločesta osoba samo zato jer te sudbina odabrala da odradiš ulogu krvnika?

Nema trećeg. Ima još par stvari koje mi se vrte po glavi ovih dana. Jedno od tih je da nema dobrog i lošeg, ima samo ono što jest. Jesam ga sad odvalila, ha? Baš sam pogodila univerzalnu istinu cijelog postojanja, svemira i svih bića u njemu. Da se ponovim: Ima samo ono što jest. Sad ti je sve jasno. Ma znam da je, kad to dolazi iz najintuitivnijeg kutka mog postojanja. I sada to dijelim s Tobom. Mora da se osjećaš privilegirano, posebno…prosvijetljeno? I ja!

Sad za fakat. Postoji loše ponašanje, bilo namjerno ili nenamjerno, ali ovisno o osobi koja je žrtva zločestoće, kako će primiti to ponašanje. Po mjerilima osobe koja je primatelj će se mjeriti visina razine zločestoće. Zato nitko nije prema meni zločest, niti sam ja prema ikome zločesta! E, to ti je sad najbolji etičko-logički zaključak ikad.

ZEMALJSKA DOGAĐANJA

Osim toga, ovako zemaljski: bila sam na kratkom bolovanju, jer sam se prenaglila s buljenjem u ekran. Još ne znam baš kontrolirati koliko radim onoga što me veseli, ali i umara, a koliko, proporcionalno tome, radim stvari koje me odmaraju i pune. Bolovanje sam provela buljeći u strop, spavajući i slušajući svašta, jer nisam mogla skoro uopće buljiti u ekran.

Naspavala sam se kao bebica, i sad sam puno bolje. Glava me više ne boli bolju koju bih mogla usporediti sa silinom probijanja zvučnog zida. E, a zašto me boli glava? Jer mi ne radi probava. A zašto mi ne radi probava? Jer sam se stisnula u se. Nevjerojatno koliko mi je cijeli taj predio trbušne šupljine ukočen, zaustavljen, stisnut. Koliko mi je probava pogoršala u zadnjih pola godine. Jesam li dobro? Koji je emocionalni razlog moje stisnutosti? Hoću li se uspjeti spasiti? Hoće li me netko izliječiti?

Pročitajte u slijedećoj epizodi Muke po Gordani. Jer to je moj život. Jedna Velika Muka. I Jedno Veliko Olakšanje. Jedno, pa drugo u neprekidnoj mijeni.

Uživaj u snijegu!