WOUNDED HEARTS

The most beautiful poems came out of wounded hearts. Or fulfilled ones. It is that moment when your heart falls into the depths of its own core existence. From the depths it yells, only one cannot hear it well from the outside. Yells, screams even, in pain, or out of love. Both seem painful, torturous, insane.

When I am so filled up with happiness, love and understanding, my heart contracts and cannot handle the greatness. It feels small, not ready. Like a river breaking through a dam; in those first moments the river is unbearably loud and powerful, then slowly calms down.

THE LIFE OF THE LAMPLIGHTER

Unusual is this life that is given to us, that we somehow have deserved to receive. It teaches us via hardship and happiness, sometimes both at the same time. If an event is sad and another not, which one will surface as more powerful? The chains of societal opinion would say: now, when sadness is present, you have no right to be happy, not for a split second. And vice versa, when an event is a happy one, there is no place left to be saddened, even for a moment. Because that is the law. Like the life of the lamplighter in the Little Prince book. That is exactly how our lives work. Life occurs in between fulfilling two orders. If you would to close your eyes for a moment, and not turn on, nor turn off the lamp, an entire world would fall apart. Would it really?

Lamplighter, The Little Prince/Fenjerdžija, Mali Princ

WHAT IS ESSENTIAL IS INVISIBLE TO THE EYE

That would be one side of the coin. The other is the unseen world of feelings, thoughts and intuition. Unusual happenings, small coincidences and the magnificence of nature in its supportive and destructive form. Life is full of small and large miracles, friendships, life and love. Utterly untameable by rules and ideas, wild and free: life in its most wonderous form. Unpredictable, unreasonable, fulfilling. Fairytale-ish, cannot be caught in mere words, thoughts and emotions. Life as it is, naughty, supportive, crazy! It seems to be in vain to try to understand the details of the weave of life that surprises, impresses and loves, yet not to simultaneously see the big picture, one that we all attempt to encompass with our small little minds, in hope to give life an adequate explanation.

SILENCE COURSE

Christmas went by in silence, in the agony of silence, where the darkest thoughts of hate and resentment were obsessing me from beginning to end. At the very end, a small twig that I was could not have resisted the river of blessings, so I came out of silence overwhelmed by a deep peace and forgiveness to myself and others, with love.

Silence course participants/Sudionici tečaja tišine

FOREST WALK

Then I was rewarded: in the form of a very long nature walk, one that won me over completely. The beginning was tough, but very soon it was totally worth it. Truly, nature was incredible that day. For a long time, we found ourselves, symbolically, above the clouds, after that short and steep climb. The view was breath taking and heart stealing. The length of the walk was quite something, together with the darkness on the way back, it reminded me, amongst other things, how resistant I am to every, and the smallest of weaknesses.

Black Forest view/Pogled na Crnu Šumu

WORKING NEW YEAR’S

Then it began. The madness. Rivers of people, dominos of responsibilities, demand and delivery. Days during which “I” completely fades out and the only thing remaining is “What can I do for You?”. These moments of losing the “I”, is an eternally rewarded loss. On one hand it seems insane to work from early morning till late, late at night, when the mind is not able to shut down anymore, overflowing with responsibilities, missions and solutions. And it went on for days. The only breaks being deep meditations with the Teacher. Those moments were the only true rest.

Happy feet resting/Vesele nožice odmaraju

TEACHER’S ERRAND BOY 

I have received a beautiful mission, that seems like an undemanding and simple task: to take requests for meeting the Teacher. Everybody has an important question, an important project, a very important family situation and everybody not only wishes, but NEEDS to have this long-awaited meeting. I was the person to take the requests and then passed the baton to others, who passed it on to the Teacher. As our Teacher is a bit mischievous, no meeting occurred when someone had expected it to, or planned it to happen, but exactly when the timing, place and way was ideal. Nobody had any influence over this, even though our little heads seemed to think we had. The task was simple. Secretarial. Write down the info, let them know when the meeting will happen. Nevertheless, I felt it was an enormous honour. Truly big. You may find it silly, but to me the opportunity to serve my life coach here and now in whatever role, and this particular one gave the impression that I am somehow even closer to him, meant a great deal. I was touched that this task was entrusted to me. I was touched that my colleagues took me into consideration, to the one that thought: Gordana would be excellent for this task. You may think I am overdoing it now, but I assure you, those were my genuine feelings, of deep gratitude and happiness.

3-year old pic with my Teacher/3 godine stara slika s mojim učiteljem

OUT-OF-BODY, OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD EXPERIENCE

The event itself, a 6-day program, counted more that 500 participants plus organisers and guests. A grand hotel hall hosted five hundred people doing consciousness-elevation exercises. Day in and day out the energy kept changing. It started off as chaotic, with heaviness and confusion. Then people slowly relaxed into the environment, and then the sweetest part began: when such an enormous group becomes coherent and starts to feel like a unit. A harmonious unit, built out of many unique units. You could literally see worries leaving every mind and heart. Gratitude, openness and surrender were growing. There was no other choice.

Coming closer to the end, the feeling was quite out of this world. All the participants, organisers and guests started to feel unreal, the barriers and differences amongst us were still showing, but they were no longer felt so much. The desire for the highest became clearer. Once we have left all our tiredness and all our worries behind, when we no longer feel anything, but the simplicity and ease of living, only from that space can we make the right decisions, only that space is the birthplace of intuitive ideas how, empowered, we can create a change in our own state of being, it stops seeming to be unchangeable. Then how can we create change in our vicinity, then in the broader environment. Only after we have been freed from our own burdens and hardships, can we approach to make a conscious change of our patterns, and then, with a fullness of heart, and a lightness in mind, can we spread the light further.

TOP NOTCH CONFUSION

I cannot distinguish any longer: is it that life is becoming better or my attitude is changing in a positive way, and things are, in fact, worse? What is considered to be positive? Comfort? When things go the way I imagine them to or demand them to? What is a truly positive thought and action? To think positively in order to suffocate or quieten every moment of conscious understanding about where you stand in life? I don’t think so. I think positive thoughts have killed even the strongest. A positive action? When friends of animals march for building a safer future? Is fighting against negative things a positive action? Or is that action soiled by putting even more attention to the ugly and negative?

Not to say that we should not think AND act positively, just to be aware of the possibility of losing sight of the actual positivity. To refer to Grindelwald (for Harry Potter fans): “For the greater good.” People have, in the name of the greater good, and continue to, delete countless civilisations and animal species. Believing to have done good, seduced by the power of mind and ego.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Let us not go too much into darkness. Life is much more beautiful than it is cruel. From one extreme to the other, yet Buddha has said a long time ago, to take the middle path. My path might not look very middle-ish, but I seem to be feeling that I am actually going towards staying in the middle for longer periods, even if I keep far from it at other times.

I am going home soon. Excited to see dear people, have a change of air and to have a little part in the worldly affairs. More about all that a little later. Life goes on!

THE FUTURE

If you ask me, and people do, what my intentions are now? I have no intentions whatsoever. I have no plan, no desire/longing, nor intention. Maybe this comes with age, even though it might be too early still for me to be in that age, and maybe I am just tired of desires and am allowing life to take me where it considers to be the best for me, and maybe this state of being is just a passing melancholy that will soon be replaced with new crazy plans and agendas. And maybe not.

WE SHALL SEE!

---

CROATIAN VERSION / / / HRVATSKA VERZIJA

RANJENIH SRDACA

Najljepše pjesme su došle iz ranjenih srdaca. Ili ispunjenih. Onaj jedan trenutak kada ti srce zapadne u dubinu sebe samog. I iz te dubine viče, samo ga se slabo čuje na van. Viče, dere se kako ga boli, ili kako voli. I jedno i drugo djeluje bolno, izmučeno, suludo.

Kad sam toliko ispunjena srećom i ljubavlju i razumijevanjem, srce mi se stišće i ne podnosi tu veličinu. Malo je, nekako, nespremno, kao kad rijeka probije branu; u taj prvi tren je rijeka nepodnošljivo glasna i jaka, pa se polako umiruje.

ŽIVOT FENJERDŽIJE

Neobičan je ovaj život koji nam je dan, koji smo nečim i nekako zaslužili živjeti. Uči nas mukom i srećom, nekada i istovremeno. Ako je jedan događaj tužan, a drugi veseo, koji će prevagnuti? Okovi društvenog mišljenja reći će: sada, kada je tuga, nemaš prava na sreću, ni sekunde. I tako je i obrnuto: kada je događaj sretan, nema se prava biti ni na tren tužan. Jer je takav zakon. Kao u Malom Princu, život fenjerdžije. Takav je naš cijeli život. Odvija se između dvije naredbe. Ako na tren zatvoriš oči, i ne upališ i ugasiš lampu, cijeli jedan svijet se raspadne.

BITNO JE OČIMA NEVIDLJIVO

To je jedna strana novčića. Druga strana je neviđeni svijet osjećaja, misli i intuicije. Neobičnih događaja, malih slučajnosti, i veličanstvenost prirode u njenom podržavajućem i razarajućem obliku. Život pun malih i velikih čuda, prijateljstava, života, ljubavi. Potpuno neukrotiv bilokakvim odredbama i zamislima, divlji i neobuzdan: život u svom najčudesnijem svjetlu. Nepredvidiv, nerazuman, ispunjavajući. Bajkovit i neuhvatljiv u riječi, misli i emocije. Život takav kakav je, nestašan, podržavajući, nenormalan! Uopće je uzaludno ulaziti u najsitnije tkanje života koji iznenađuje, zadivljuje i voli, a istovremeno ne sagledati ono veliko platno, koje se svi nadamo obuhvatiti svojim malim umovima, nadamo se dati mu adekvatno objašnjenje.

TEČAJ TIŠINE

Božić je prošao u tišini, u agoniji tišine gdje su me najcrnje misli mržnje i zamjeranja opsjedale od početka do samog kraja. Na kraju se mala grančica nije mogla oduprijeti navali rijeke blagoslova, pa sam izašla iz tišine preplavljena dubokim mirom, oprostom sebi i drugima, s ljubavlju.

ŠETNJA ŠUMOM

Dobila sam nagradu u obliku duge šetnje prirodom, koja me sasvim osvojila. Početak je bio naporan, ali se vrlo brzo neviđeno isplatio. Uistinu, priroda je taj dan bila neviđena. Simbolično smo se, dugo vremena, nalazili iznad oblaka nakon kratkog i strmog uspona. Pogled je oduzimao dah i srce. Sama velika dužina šetnje, i mrak po povratku, podsjetili su me, između ostalog, koliko se nemilosrdno opirem svakoj, i najmanjoj, slabosti.

RADNA NOVA GODINA

Onda je počelo. Ludilo. Rijeke ljudi, domina obaveza, potražnja i opskrba. Dani u kojima „ja“ potpuno izblijedi, i postoji samo: „Što mogu učiniti za Vas?“. Gubitak „sebe“ je u tim prilikama beskrajno nagrađen gubitak. S jedne strane djeluje potpuno suludo raditi od najranijeg jutra do kasne, kasne večeri, kad se um više ni noću ne gasi, pretrpan obavezama, zadacima, rješenjima. I tako danima, samo šljaka. Jedine pauze su duboke meditacije s Učiteljem, i to je jedini pravi odmor u tim periodima.

TEKLIČ UČITELJU

Dobila sam prelijep zadatak, sam po sebi djeluje kao nezahtjevan i jednostavan: da primam zahtjeve za susret s Učiteljem. Svatko ima vrlo važno pitanje, vrlo važan projekt, vrlo važnu obiteljsku situaciju i svi ne samo da žele, već MORAJU ostvariti taj dugo-željeni susret. Ja sam bila osoba koja je zaprimala upite, i predavala štafetu drugima u tom nizu do samog Učitelja. Pošto je naš Učo nestašan, nijedan sastanak se nije dogodio kad je itko to predviđao, očekivao ili planirao, nego samo onda kada je bilo apsolutno idealno vrijeme, mjesto i način da se susret odigra. Tu nitko nije imao nikakvog utjecaja, iako se malim glavama možda činilo da jesmo. Zadatak je sam po sebi djelovao jednostavno. Tajnički. Zapiši podatke, javi kad je sastanak. Ipak, za mene je to bila ogromna čast. Uistinu velika. Možda drugima zvuči smiješno, ali meni je prilika da služim svom životnom učitelju tu i sada u kakvoj god ulozi, a ova je odavala dojam da sam mu ipak nekako bliže, značila neopisivo mnogo. Bila sam dirnuta što mi je taj zadatak dan na povjerenje. Dirnuta kolegama koji su me uzeli u obzir, onome koji je pomislio: Gordana bi bila odlična za ovaj zadatak. Možda ti se čini da pretjerujem, ali uvjeravam te, to su bili moji osjećaji, duboke zahvalnosti i sreće.

ISKUSTVO VAN TIJELA, VAN SVIJETA

Sam događaj, 6-dnevni program, je brojao iznad 500 sudionika + organizatori + gosti. U velikoj dvorani hotela, šest punih dana preko 500 ljudi je zajedno radilo vježbe za podizanje svijesti. Iz dana u dan se energija mijenjala. Otpočelo je kaotično, s težinom i zbunjenošću. Zatim su se svi polako opustili i smjestili, a onda je počeo najslađi dio. Kada tako velika grupa odjednom postane koherentna i počne se osjećati kao jedinka. Sasvim usklađena jedinka sazdana od mnogo jedinstvenih jedinki. U zraku su maltene moglo vidjeti kako brige napuštaju svaki um, svako srce. Kako raste zahvalnost, otvorenost, prepuštanje. Nije bilo izbora.

500 ljudi na Sanyam tečaju/500 participants on the Sanyam course

Na kraju je osjećaj bio sasvim vanzemaljski. Svi sudionici, organizatori i gosti počeli su djelovati nestvarno, barijere i razlike su se vidjele, ali se nisu više osjećale. Želja za najvišim se u svakom srcu neumoljivo prikazala. Kad ostavimo sav umor, i sve brige sa strane, i kada ne osjećamo više ništa, nego jednostavnost i lakoću življenja, jedino iz tog prostora možemo donositi ispravne odluke, jedino iz tog prostora dolaze intuitivne, prirodne ideje o tome kako možemo osnaženi promijeniti svoje stanje koje nam prestaje djelovati nepromjenjivim, i onda kako možemo promijeniti i one stvari u našoj najbližoj blizini, a zatim i u široj i sve široj okolini. Jedino oslobođeni vlastitog tereta i muke, možemo pristupiti svjesnoj promjeni svojih obrazaca, a zatim, punog srca, i olakšanog uma možemo širiti svjetlo dalje.

ZBUNJENOST NAJVIŠE KLASE

Više ne prepoznajem: da li se život uistinu poboljšava, ili se samo moj stav okreće sve više ka pozitivnom, a sve je u stvari, samo sve gore? Što je to pozitivno? Ugoda? Kad stvari idu onako kako ja zamišljam ili tražim da budu? Što je uistinu pozitivna misao i akcija? Misli samo pozitivno kako bi zatomio i ugušio svaki trenutak svjesnosti o realnosti stvari? Ne bih rekla. Mislim da su pozitivne misli uništile i najjače. Pozitivna akcija? Kad prijatelji životinja marširaju u želji za izgradnjom bolje sutra? Je li pozitivna akcija borba protiv negativne? Ili je i ta akcija isprljana stavljanjem pažnje na ružno i negativno?

Ne kažem da ne treba misliti i djelovati pozitivno, već smatram da treba biti svjestan i tog možda naizgled pozitivnog stava. Da se pozovem na Grindelwalda (za Harry Potter fanove): „U ime najvećeg dobra“. U ime najvećeg dobra su ljudi izbrisali nebrojene civilizacije i životinjske vrste. Misleći da rade dobro, zavedeni snagom uma i ega.

ŽIVOT JE LIJEP

No nećemo brijat negativu. Život je ljepši, nego što je okrutniji. Od jedne i druge krajnosti, Buddha je odavno rekao da treba ići srednjim putem. Možda moj put nije naočigled srednji, ali meni se čini da sve više idem prema tome da se što duže zadržim u sredini, čak i kad sam od nje daleko.

Uskoro idem kući. Veselim se najviše ljudima, promjeni zraka, a zatim i malo više svjetovnim podvizima. O tom po tom. Život ide dalje!

BUDUĆNOST, PIH

Ako me pitaš, a pitaju me ljudi, što namjeravam sada? Ne namjeravam apsolutno ništa. Nemam ni plan, ni želju/žudnju, ni namjeru. Možda to dolazi s godinama, iako mi je možda i prerano za te neke godine, a možda sam se umorila od želja i napokon pomalo puštam život da me vodi gdje on smatra da je najbolje, a možda je ovo stanje samo trenutna mala melankolija koja će vrlo brzo biti zamijenjena nekim novim suludim planovima i smjerovima. Možda i ne.

VIDJET ĆEMO!

Napokon na velikoj pozornici/Finally hitting the big stage