ENGLISH FIRST – scroll till the end for some nice pics

HRVATSKI ISPOD ENGLESKOG

Reading time: 7 minutes, 14 seconds

FLASH NEWS

Is there a day with no news from me?

One day it’s up
One day it’s down
One day it is.

Like Jessica Jones says (a Marvel heroine): Start from the beginning.

I came to Zagreb. Then went away for the weekend to the seaside. Someone asked me: since when have you been in Zagreb? I could not say. I tried to figure it out according to how many rents I paid, but that was not entirely correct, as I was here before I got my place for a few weeks, and then I was in Germany in between.

I cannot really follow where I was, nor where I am going. I went from one city to another, spent an hour and a half there, and came back. It is not so hard to travel Croatia, like it used to be.

Rijeka, Croatia

ETERNAL QUESTIONS

Who am I, where am I, what am I to do, what is really important? The world outside of the ashram is quite complex.

In the ashram, you have this one thing that keeps pressing on you, and it keeps pressing on you from all sides, until it squeezes yourself out of yourself.

Here, on the outside, a lot of things press on you, sometimes more, sometimes less in phases. Fires come up on all sides. One calms down, while another bursts out. Juggling!

I’m doing coffee hangouts, lunches, concerts. Sing, play, breathe – the usual. I am working on quite some projects, most of them interesting and most of them online. Now, I seem to be, like they say in the modern world – a freelancer. I work on projects, people are paying me. Offering me new projects. One project keeps me connected to Zagreb, but I still have some flexibility of movement. That’s how it is, once you get all you wanted to have for so long, it seems it arrived so naturally, that one cannot even perceive it is some great success. It took some time, I wished for this for a long time, I worked in that direction, but I cannot really say that I am responsible for things being as they are now. It happened, what do I know how it happened. The intention just manifested.

Now that the intention has manifested, it’s all fine and dandy, but it came naturally. I didn’t ruin myself in order to get here. It just happened. It wasn’t me, for real.

IT WASN’T ME

I don’t know if this is humble of me, or stupid of me, but I don’t feel I deserve to have credit for the situation I am in. Not only that, but all this doesn’t seem to be so special, like I dreamt it would be. Life should not be a search for happiness, but an expression of happiness, Guru says. Every moment is fulfilling, every moment holds happiness. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow, not when I will have, when I will know, when I will feel like this and like that. Postponing happiness is crap. Expressing happiness in every moment is enlightenment. Life is somewhere in between. It is good to have reminders, when we fall into a particular version of our own reality, and put an ultimatum on our own happiness and contentment. When the ultimatum is fulfilled – happiness. When it is not – unhappiness. In my world, I call this slavery. I admit I am a slave. A slave of my own creation. A slave of my own mind.

I am not trying to be negative, just realistic. If there is such a things as realistic.

The enthusiasm and love I had in life for the things I did brought me disappointment and discontentment. I am serious. I used to things with so much love, in spite of the work being unsatisfying and less than my skills and knowledge capacity, I expected the work to bring me growth and happiness. I expected the work to bring results. Results I expected. But, the results came as disappointing. I wanted to save the world and be a part of a change. I have not saved the world, nor am I a part of any change. I had this idea how all this should look like, but in the end it didn’t.

Let me elaborate. You work on a project, you work hard. You work with love and enthusiasm, expecting the world and the divine to support you. And it does. But not in the way your “noble work should be rewarded and supported”. Then you get sad – why all this good work is not really working out? Then the disappointment. If I had not expected much, I would have been happy with what I got. As I expected GRAND things, and got scraps – it made me feel insignificant and lonely. So, who cares what the results will be, I just need to live life now, without so many projections that rarely get to become what we thought they would.

Island Brač channel/Brački kanal

ORDER, WORK, RESULTS

I am here now! My things are here now, not all of it, but most of it – and that means I am here.

I took over an apartment in Zagreb, from a friend, and I’m working on it to make it look nicer with the least cost and as best I can. It’s a bit of a project, but nothing is impossible for the Super-Woman-Goga-Yoga. Why would things in life be easy. That’s super boring. I put my stuff into its place, and cleaned dirt layers, but I did not paint the flat yet, so who wants to, can come and work with me. It’s an open invite!

And so I keep thinking to myself, like usual. Thinking and thinking – is all this right, am I good, is the world fine? The world seems to take last place at the moment. I thought to myself, I have been caring and worrying about the world for too long. The planet is still spinning, people are still eating and bearing children. Everything seems to be under control, not mine though.

Just the other day I was commenting with a colleague how everything has changed. From doing things out of love and good will, everything changed into money, branding and marketing. That is how it is now. There used to be more time and less technology. Now, there is more technology and less time. People are turning into machines. They mechanically perform their daily tasks, caring for themselves and others. The more tasks and obligations, that much more we worry and burn out. We are already in that phase where we need to seek out time in order to find peace.

Are you finding time? Are you finding peace? Where are you in a hurry to go? What are you afraid of?

FEAR

What would you do if you weren’t afraid?

I just saw this quote on social media.

And I thought to myself. What would I do?

I would travel the world playing my guitar and singing mantras.

I would not have people criticising my work in not a nice way.

I would spend more time on a beach sipping coconuts and meditating.

I would jump off a plane, even though I am terrified of heights.

I would go to India with no other agenda, but to eat idlis at amma’s.

If I weren’t afraid, I would honestly tell people how shitty they can be. And if I weren’t afraid, I would not be hurt when people are honest with me about how shitty I can be.

I would ask for money to pay off my debts.

I would crowdfund for something selfish.

I would probably be in a relationship.

I would be someone different if I weren’t afraid.

I would be free of vice.

And that is why I will stick to my fears and stare at them to make them go away. I might give them a big hearty hug beforehand, and thank them for sticking it out with me.

Olive grove, island Brač/Maslinik, Brač

REMINDER TO SELF

All your negative emotions are just energy stuck in places it is not supposed to be stuck in.
In order to get them out of my system – is to meditate. Every other mental exercise I have been stretching myself to do is quite useless. It brings me back to where I was – worried. Worry is a negative emotion and it can be removed by acceptance and release – on an energy level. The mental level, the brain, the monkey just jumps around. It doesn’t get things done, it doesn’t bring relief. It brings denial and more worry.

MEDITATE!

Or do whatever other thing that takes a break on the useless mental activities. The other stuff the brain does can be useful, but if it takes over… I’ll be making another What I would do if I weren’t afraid list.

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HRVATSKI PRIJEVOD:

Vrijeme čitanja: 5 min, 59 sek

NAJNOVIJE VIJESTI

Ima li dana kad kod mene nema vijesti?

Jedan dan je gori
Jedan dan je doli
Jedan dan je.

Kako kaže Jessica Jones (Marvelova junakinja): Počni otpočetka.

Došla ja u Zagreb. I otišla na vikend. Došla ja u Zagreb i otišla na more. Pita me netko: Otkad si u Zagrebu? Nisam znala reći. Orijentirala sam se po stanarinama koje sam platila, ali to nije sasvim točno, jer sam i prije toga bila tu par tjedana, pa otišla u Njemačku, pa se vratila.

Ne pratim više gdje sam bila, niti gdje idem. Onako, sa strane. Otputujem iz jednog grada u drugi, tamo provedem 1,5h i vratim se nazad. Nije ni Hrvatskom tako teško putovati kao što je nekad bilo.

VJEČNA PITANJA

Tko sam, gdje sam, što mi je činiti, što je važno? Svijet van ashrama je mnogo kompleksan.

U ashramu imaš jedno nešto što te stišće, pa te stišće na puno načina istovremeno, dok te ne istisne iz tebe same.

Ovdje te stišće puno toga, u manjoj ili većoj mjeri i to periodično. Upale se vatre razne. Pa se jedna malo stiša, a druga pojača. Žongliranje!

Idem na kave i ručkove, druškanja, koncertić. Pjevam, sviram, dišem – kao i obično. Radim razne projekte, svi zanimljivi i skoro svi online. Sad sam ti ja, kako se ono kaže u modernom svijetu – freelancer-ica. Radim projekte, svi mi nešto plaćaju. Nude mi nove projekte. Imam i jedan dio koji me veže za Zagreb, ali ne pretjerano, imam fleksibilnost kretanja. I tako ti je to, kad dobiješ sve što si dugo želio, došlo je tako prirodno, da ni ne vidiš to sad kao neki veliki uspjeh. Dugo je trajalo, dugo sam to željela, dugo radila u tom smjeru, a opet ne mogu reći da sam samostalno zaslužna za to kako je sad. Dogodilo se, otkud ja znam kako. Namjera se manifestirala.

Sada je namjera manifestirana, i tako ti je to sve super i lijepo i krasno, ali prirodno je došlo. Nisam se ubila u tom smjeru da bih dobila to što imam. Dogodilo se. Nisam ja, majkemi.

Sutivan sunset, island Brač/Sutivanski zalaz sunca, Brač

NISAM JA

Ne znam je li to skromno, ili glupo od mene, ali ne osjećam zasluge za situaciju u kojoj se nalazim. I ne samo to. Već mi ne djeluje da je to nešto tako posebno, kao što sam dugo sanjarila da je. Život ne bi trebao proći u potrazi za srećom, već biti izraz sreće, kaže Guru. Svaki trenutak je ispunjen, u svakom trenutku je sreća. Ne sutra, ne prekosutra, ne kad budem imao, kad budem znao, kad se budem osjećao tako i tako i tako. Odgađanje sreće je sranje. Izražavanje sreće u svakom trenutku je prosvjetljenje. Život je negdje između. Dobro je imati podsjetnike, kad se uljuljkamo u neku svoju stvarnost i stavimo si ultimatum na sreću i zadovoljstvo. Kad je ultimatum zadovoljen – sreća. Kad nije zadovoljen – nesreća. To se u mom svijetu zove robovanje. Priznajem da sam rob. Rob vlastite kreacije. Vlastitog uma.

Ne pokušavam biti negativna, već realna. Ako to postoji.

Entuzijazam i ljubav koji sam u životu nosila za sve što sad radila mi je donio razočaranje i nezadovoljstvo. Ozbiljno ti govorim. S tolikom ljubavlju sam stvari radila, unatoč tome što su bile nezadovoljavajuće i neadekvatne mojim vještinama i znanju, očekivala sam da će mi to donijeti rast i da će mi donijeti sreću. Očekivala sam da će donijeti rezultate. Rezultate kakve sam ja očekivala da donese. Međutim, rezultati su se očitovali na kraju svega kao veliko razočaranje. Htjela sam spasiti svijet i biti dio promjene. Nisam spasila svijet i nisam dio nikakve promjene.

Da pojasnim. Radiš na projektu, i trudiš se baš. Radiš s ljubavlju i entuzijazmom, očekujući svijet i božansko da te podrži. I podrži te. Ali ne na onaj način na koji bi tvoj « plemeniti rad trebao biti nagrađen i podržan». Onda postaješ tužan – zašto sav ovaj “dobri rad” ne uspijeva? Onda razočaranje. Da nisam toliko očekivala, bila bih sretna s onim što sam dobila. Kako sam očekivala VELIKE stvari, i dobila mrvice – osjećala sam se nevažnom i usamljenom.
Zato, koga više briga za rezultate, moram samo živjeti život sada, bez projekcija koje rijetko prikažu ono što sam ja mislila da bi trebalo.

RED, RAD, REZULTAT

Ali tu sam! Ovdje su mi sada stvari, ne sve, ali većina da – i to znači da sam tu.

Preuzela sam stan u Zagrebu od prijatelja, radim na tome da ga uredim što jeftinije i bolje mogu. Zahtjevan projekt, ali ništa nemoguće za Super-Ženu Gogu-Yogu. Što bi stvari u životu bile lagane? Živa dosada. Stvari sam rasporedila, slojeve oribala, ali stan još nisam pofarbala, pa tko želi, neka dođe i radi sa mnom. Otvoren poziv!

I kontam ja, kao i obično. Kontam jel to sve dobro, jesam li ja dobro, je li svijet dobro. Svijet nekako ipak na zadnjem mjestu trenutno. Mislim se, brinula sam se za svijet dovoljno dugo. Kugla zemaljska se još nije prestala vrtit’, ljudi nisu prestali jest’ i rađat djecu. Sve je pod kontrolom. Mojom ne.

Komentiram s kolegicom kako se sve promijenilo. Promijenilo se iz ljubavi i dobre volje u pare, brending i marketing. I sad je to tako. Nekoć je bilo više vremena, i manje tehnologije. Sad je više tehnologije i manje vremena. Ljudi se pretvaraju u mašine. Mehanički idu ovdje i ondje, obavljaju gomile zadataka, brinu se za sebe, za ljude oko sebe. Zum zum zum. Nije lako bubamarcima. Što više zadataka i obaveza, to više briga i izgaranja. Već smo u toj fazi da moramo tražiti vrijeme da bi našli mir.

Jel’ nalaziš vrijeme? Jel’ nalaziš mir? Gdje se žuriš? Čega se bojiš?

STRAH

Što bi ti napravio/la, da te nije strah?

Vidjela sam ovaj natpis na društvenim medijima.

I pomislila: što je to što bih ja napravila?

Putovala bih svijetom svirajući gitaru i pjevajući mantre.

Ljudi mi ne bi kritizirali rad na ne tako lijep način.

Provodila bih više vremena na plaži, pila kokosovu vodicu i meditirala.

Skočila bih iz aviona, iako se užasavam visina.

Otišla bih u Indiji, bez drugog plana, osim da jedem južno-indijsko jelo ‘idli’.

Kada se ne bih bojala, iskreno bih rekla ljudima kako znaju biti grozni. I kada se ne bih bojala, ne bih bila povrijeđena kad bi ljudi bili iskreni prema meni o tome kako ja znam biti grozna.

Tražila bih novce da otplatim dugove.

Napravila bih crowd-funding kampanju za nešto sebično.

Vjerojatno bih bila u vezi.

Bila bih netko drugi da me nije strah.

Bila bih slobodna od poroka.

I to je razlog zašto ću se držati svojih strahova i buljiti u njih kako bi nestali. Možda ih prethodno srčano zagrlim, i zahvalim im se što su bili uz mene.

Beach Bistrica/Plaža Bistrica

POTSJETNIK SEBI

Svi tvoji negativni osjećaji su samo energija koja je zapela na mjestima gdje ne bi trebala zapeti. Kako bih ih izbacila iz sebe – meditiram. Svaka druga mentalna vježba koju sam se trudila napraviti je bezuspješna. Vraća me nazad odakle sam počela – u zabrinutost. Zabrinutost je negativna emocija koja se otklanja jedino prihvaćanjem i otpuštanjem – na energetskom nivou. Mentalni nivo, um, je majmunić koji sam skakuće uokolo. Ništa taj ne obavlja, ne donosi olakšanje. Donosi negiranje i još briga.

MEDITIRAJ!

Ili radi što god ti stavlja kočnicu na beskorisnu mentalnu aktivnost. Druge stvari za koje je um zaslužan, mogu biti korisne, ali ako um preuzme… Napravila bih još jedan „Što bi ti napravio/la, da te nije strah?“ popis.

Refurbished bike/Sređena bicikla, Zagreb