New necklace addition to my jewellery collection / Novi dodatak mojoj kolekciji nakita

After having been blessed by my physiatrist to travel, I ended up having a small surgical incision. I really like the sound of the words ‘small surgical incision’. It was one of those situations when you just know what you are supposed to do. I strolled to the emergency room in the middle of the night and had a small surgical incision done. People used to die of these kinds of infections. I limped home after the operation, without a problem. Also not the smartest thing to do, but what to do when I’m so brave. And stoopid.       

Even the small surgical incision did not prevent me from travelling. At the moment I had lots of things in line, like hanging out, picking up at the airport, course translating, assisting and preparing for another course. All this seemed just impossible to cancel. In the end it was very possible, as I was forced to cancel. The pain was too much of a reason.

Gordana taking sick leave, how did that happen?

A series of tiny miracles happened on the way to Germany. First I met a guy who gave me a back massage at the airport. As soon as I arrived, I bumped into someone familiar and got a ride to my destination. Even my suitcase was brought to my room. Royal treatment.  

Not even a few days in, my back started to hurt like hell. I could not sit, lie, meditate, nor sleep. It was clear I had to go home. Home to mommy.

View from my mom’s balcony, Rijeka / Pogled s maminog balkona, Rijeka

I should have told everyone I could not travel and cancel everything on time, in order for my role to be adequately replaced. That I have not done, because I could not bare to cancel anything, to hurt others financially or emotionally. I am responsible and I do not give up! In the end I did more harm than good.

Nothing in life is useless. Even that trip, except tiring me enormously, gave me so many lovely things. So many people were caring for my needs and pain – the ashram truly provides. Yet, the ashram is not almighty. Sometimes one needs to stop.

Gordana has no notion of what it means to stop. So far I have seen two physiatrists, the ayurveda doctor, two chiropractors, a minimum of 4 therapists, a trainer and did swimming. All this has some influence on my recovery, but the greatest influence is that I stopped overworking, and at the same time I am attending to my crooked body.

They keep saying how I must have had some enormous trauma. I think not, at least not in this life. No physical trauma I am aware of that could cause such a state. I am all bent, torsion and sideways. There is an entire list of diagnosis: spondylosis, hyper lordosis, kyphosis, uncarthrosis… I am not super worried, because I know it can get better. The only thing that really bothers me is the pain. It is beginning to be difficult to bear, and continuing painkillers will eat my liver up.

The only painkiller I take now: a Croatian candy travelled to India, to be blessed by my Guru, and then returned to Germany where it came into my hands / Jedine tablete za bolove koje sada uzimam: hrvatski bonbon koji je otputovao do Indije, gdje ga je moj Guru blagoslovio, da bi se vratio u Njemačku i završio u mojim rukama

I also met an angel who put my atlas (first vertebrae) into its place, as well as my heart. A person who can understand when you are in love with the divine nature of this entire existence. A Gopal – friend in knowledge.

However, my prince on a white horse rode along. It is quite incredible how when you get absolutely everything you wanted, you see that fulfilment of your desires does not bring fulfilment deep in your heart.

Careful what you wish for!

I thought of a few more important human expressions:

1. A man is known by the company he keeps.
2. Sweep around your own front door before you try to clean someone else’s.
3. Thank God.

The human language is full of truth. The simple sayings we take no attention to. Open your ears and start listening to what people are saying, but do not forget to listen to the rustle of the leaves. Open your eyes and see the beauty of this world, and also do not forget to see its sadness, in order to know what you need to do in life.

Let love enter your heart, let the divine find you and show you the way of true fulfilment.

There is only one thing that makes any sense in this life, that is love. Not corny, romantic love for your partner, but love for existence itself. Loving in all we do, pink glasses we wear while shopping, making out, working, cleaning floors. Love for movement, touch, smell, love for our dear ones and far away ones. Love for the visible and for the invisible. Not scattered love, ecstasy without awareness, but love seeping out of our very existence, leaving a trace on our every movement, action, thought and spoken word.  

LOVE.

Bye-bye nice croissants in Zagreb / Ćao finim zagrebačkim kroasanima

_______________________

Nakon što me fizijatrica poslala s blagoslovom na put, završila sam na malom operativnom zahvatu. Baš mi se sviđa taj izraz: mali operativni zahvat. To je bila jedna od onih situacija kad jednostavno znaš što ti je činiti. Prošetala sam se do hitne usred noći i obavila mali rez kako bi se ugnojena rana očistila. Nekoć su ljudi od takvih upala umirali. Odšepala sam doma nakon operacije, bez beda. Ne baš najpametnija stvar koju sam u životu napravila, ali šta ćeš kad sam hrabra. I glupa.

Ni taj mali operativni zahvat me nije spriječio da krenem na put. Činilo mi se u tom trenutku previše otkazati druženje, skupljanje na aerodromu, prevođenje tečaja, asistiranje i priprema drugog tečaja. Sve mi je to izgledalo kao nemoguće za otkazati. Na kraju je bilo vrlo moguće, jer sam bila prisiljena sve otkazati. Zbog boli.

Gordana na bolovanju, eto i to se dogodilo.

Po putu se dogodilo i nastavila su se događati mala čuda jedno za drugim. Prvo sam upoznala čovjeka koji mi je izmasirao bolna leđa na aerodromu. Zatim čim sam došla u Njemačku, nabasala sam na poznatu osobu, pa sam odvezena na odredište. I kufer mi je odnesen u sobu! Kraljevski.

Nije prošlo ni prvih par dana, već su me počela leđa boljeti nepodnošljivo. Nisam mogla sjediti, ležati, meditirati, ni spavati. Bilo mi je jasno da moram doma. Doma mamici.

Another mommy’s balcony view / Još jedan pogled s maminog balkona

Trebala sam odmah reći svima da ne mogu doći, i otkazati sve na vrijeme, da se moja uloga može na vrijeme i adekvatno zamijeniti. To nisam napravila, jer nisam mogla podnijeti da išta otkažem, da druge oštetim ni financijski ni emotivno. Ja sam odgovorna i ne odustajem! Na kraju sam donijela sebi i svima drugima više štete nego koristi.

Ništa nije za bezveze, a tako ni taj put, na kojem sam se izmorila, ali na kraju i dobila tretmane svih oblika, po potrebi trenutka. Ashram se pobrine. Ali nije ni ashram svemoguć. Nekad treba stati (?).  

Gordana ne zna što to znači stati. Do sada sam bila kod dvije fizijatrice, ayurvedskog doktora, dva kiropraktičara, minimalno 4 terapeuta, jedne trenerice i na plivanju. Sve to ima nekog utjecaja, ali najvećeg utjecaja ima to što sam se malo zaustavila s poslom, a istovremeno što sam veću pažnju pridala iskrivljenom tijelu.

Kažu mi da sam imala neku veliku traumu. U ovom životu nisam. Bar ne fizičku. Sva sam se nakrivila, oko osi i na stranu. Imam sve dijagnoze koje se mogu imati vezano uz leđa. Spondiloza, hiperlordoza, kifoza, unkartroza… Ništa me to ne sekira, jer znam da se može ispraviti. Jedino me sekira bol. To mi je malo teško podnositi, a tablete više ne mogu piti, jetra će me napustiti.  

Naišla sam i na anđela koji mi je vratio atlas (prvi vratni kralježak) na mjesto, ali i srce mi je stavio na mjesto. Osoba koja razumije što znači kada si zaljubljen u božansku prirodu postojanja. Gopal – prijatelj u znanju.

Doduše, moj princ na bijelom konju je odjahao dalje. Nevjerojatno je kad dobiješ apsolutno sve što si želio, i onda uvidiš da ispunjenje želja ne donosi ispunjenje srca.

Kolači za dvoje su sad kolači za jednog / Cakes for two became cakes for one

Pazi što želiš!

Nastavno na tu izreku, sjetila sam se još par važnih:

1. S kim si takav si.
2. Prvo pometi ispred svojih vrata.
3. Hvala Bogu.

Ljudski jezik je prepun istina, kroz jednostavne izreke na koje više ne obraćamo pozornost. Naćuli uši i počni slušati što ljudi govore, ali ne zaboravi slušati šuškanje lišća. Otvori oči i pogledaj ljepotu ovoga svijeta, ali ne zaboravi vidjeti i njegovu tugu, da znaš što ti je činiti.

Pusti ljubav u svoje srce, pusti božansko da te pronađe i pokaže ti put istinskog ispunjenja.

Jedna i jedina stvar koja ima nekakvog smisla u ovom životu je ljubav. Ne otrcana, romantična ljubav za partner-icu/-a, već ljubav za samo postojanje. Voljenost u svemu što radimo, ružičaste naočale koje nosimo dok kupujemo, dok se ljubimo, dok radimo, dok peremo pod. Ljubav za pokret, dodir, miris, ljubav za najbliže i najdalje. Ljubav za vidljivo i nevidljivo. Ne rasuta ljubav, ekstaza bez svjesnosti. Ljubav koja izvire iz našeg postojanja, kojom je obojan svaki naš pokret, djelovanje, misao i riječ.

LJUBAV.

Photo by Julia Righes – Love for Life / Slikala Julia – Ljubav za Život