Things are great. Things are more than great. Life is finally getting the shape I wished it to take. Incredible. All the things I wished for, after some time, came along. And yet, such an important ‘happiness’ lesson: Life should not be a pursuit of joy, life should be an expression of joy; says Sri Sri. When you wish for something, and it comes true, how long does it keep you happy for? Half a day? When you achieve that little goal you had, when you finally have it within your grasp – how long are you happy just with that? 

You keep climbing up the mountain, waiting and waiting to reach that peak. Once you’re up there – how long does it take for you to realise that the peak part is just a tiny moment in the grand climb? and that a long coming-back-down-from-the-mountain is suddenly also in front of you. Once you’re up there, you suddenly see so many other mountains you could climb, up and down… A whole new world of possibilities opens up. But when you were climbing up in the first place, the peak seemed to be the only goal visible in the eye of your mind. 

The peak is such short-termed joy. Yes, we say: I am enjoying the road up and looking forward to the downward return home, but we still prefer to get stuck to that one moment of bliss at the very peak. The beauty of the view is long-awaited and then we hold on to it for a long while before it fades away. The peak, the peak, the peak. Before climbing up, looking forward to it. Having climbed up, loving every moment of it. Coming down and later, still holding on to the peak moments. Yet! Yet, the peak is so short, so tiny, so distant in memory most of the time, a vague feeling of short-termed satisfaction. Either looking forward to, or remembering back. 

My peak was a steady life-place, a partner in life(/crime), and a good environment workplace that is steady-paid and longer-termed. And look at that – I got all of it. The peak is such a tiny place/short termed; the journeys before and after are a 100 times bigger/longer. 

What does it even mean to reach the peak – the minute when I move in at my maybe-final-destination for a longer while, the moment I have received my first paycheck, the moment my partner says ‘I’m really staying for a while’?

I keep using the word FLOW a lot, lately. Maybe also an influence of the city I am currently and hopefully longer-term, staying in, called Rijeka (Rijeka means River, the city’s motto is ‘River, the city that flows’). I can suddenly feel the flow. I can feel it, I can smell it, and I am not trying to re-direct it, or go in another direction. The truth of the matter is that I tried all these manoeuvres earlier, and kept fighting myself and everyone else. I had to DO something. I had to ACT. I needed to KNOW. I wished I could CONTROL. There was no helping it, really. I’m a stubborn island-born kid.

BUT, my body said very loudly, through means of pain: NO. STOP. REST. HELP!

I had no choice but to listen. So I said: OK. I stopped, I rested and I helped my body out.  

Then everything happened. I stopped. I rested. I did not wait for something to be given or delivered to me any longer. I moved in directions I wanted to move, without expectations. Then things moved on their own. I was not worried sick about money, lodging, food (God bless Mother, she herself is such a sanctuary). I could rest. I was taken care of. I could do what I felt I would like to do, without expecting anything out of it. And I did. I got far more than expected.

The years of agony and worry and insecurities of not having a ‘normal’ life – were slowly fading away. Now they seem to be so far away. I feel I’ve got everything I wanted to get. Now that I’m a little bigger. A little more secure. A little more loved… I reached my peak. And now I can see all the new mountains ready for me to climb up and down. 

It just goes on. No peak is the end. 

The new mountains are bigger and scarier. But I climbed this one, so I can surly climb more. Maybe I’m just getting too serious, slowly getting out of my 30s – I can no longer pretend to be a kid. Darn. Even though I am such a child. And I intend to stay one. Till the end. Never serious-up. No matter the greatness of the responsibilities.

One more thing I understand now, is that taking responsibility truly gives us inner freedom. I feel so free when I have things in my life only I am responsible for. No one to hold my back, I can take care of myself. And others. I am also less selfish, I feel. I am out there for anyone who needs me, yet, I feel I was pretending to be selfless, while I was selfishly looking into my own needs and desires. Now I see, if you have others around you, to adjust your needs to their needs – is such a relief. Such a wonderful giving opportunity. 

Why are parents such happy people? Even through all the hard times, sleepless nights and hours of worrying, they have such silly smiles on their faces at times. Because they have no choice but give to their child; their time, their care, their material security. We feel best when we have the opportunity to give. Once we give, we feel the most fulfilled. Whoa! Incredible, right?

The human heart and mind are built in such an opposing way, once you catch the opposites, bliss dawns. 

What you hold on to, moves away from you. What you let go of, comes to you.

It seems I have finally let go. 

His name is not important, his background is not important, his prior life is not important. What is important is the lovely mountain we are embarking on, climbing together. Hand in hand. Together, two as one. Many as two. Finally, 2 plus 2 is -> 5. When two energies come together as one, the sum of the parts is more than the logical result. 

I said: “I knew you existed, I only did not know it is going to be so good.”

He said: “I hoped you existed, but I did not know. I know now.” 

Except being given the most beautiful gift I have looked forward to for so long, the harmony and beauty of togetherness, I also received a bonus present – a child. His daughter? She is neither his, nor her mother’s, nor mine. Children are not owned by anyone, they are their own. We are hanging out, hugging and loving each other and growing all together. 

When the avalanche gets going, it does not stop. I got several more presents. One of them is the trust of my Master to take lead of the European school of yoga. The Sri Sri School of Yoga. Madame la directrice.

One day you’re a kid living in a room with pocket money, and tomorrow you wake up a wife, a mother and a director.

Who would have hoped? I had felt all this should be, but along the way I felt I must be just dreaming. I was not dreaming, I somehow knew. I got discouraged a million times, but I managed to persist. 

The mountains now are different, but still there. So, moving along bravely. FORZA!

_______________________________________________________________________

Vincent, Teodora

Jelena, Metod, Gordana, Vincent

Gordana, Flora, Vanja

Zvir, zgrada/Beast, a building

Gogi na poslu/Gogi at work

_______________________________________________________________________

Sve je super. Sve je više nego super. Život napokon poprima oblik koji sam željela da poprimi. Nevjerojatno. Sve što sam željela, nakon nekog vremena, je došlo. Istovremeno je došlo i važno učenje o sreći: „Ži9vot ne bi trebao biti potraga za srećom, već bi trebao biti izraz sreće.“, kaže Sri Sri. Kad nešto poželiš i to se ostvari, koliko dugo te to uistinu drži sretnim? Pola dana? Kad ostvariš taj svoj mali cilj, kada ti je napokon nadohvat ruke – koliko ćeš dugo s tim biti sretan?

Penješ se na planinu, čekaš i čekaš kako ćeš dosegnuti vrhunac. Kad se napokon popneš gore – koliko vremena ti je potrebno dok ne shvatiš da je vrhunac samo jedan mali trenutak u cijelom iskustvu penjanja? Još kad shvatiš da imaš i cijeli put spuštanja na drugu stranu… Dok si na vrhu, ti se otvori još jedan cijeli svijet mogućnosti. Kada se prvi put penješ, vrh djeluje kao jedini vidljivi cilj u tvom umu. 

Vrh je kratkoročna sreća. Naravno da kažemo: Uživam u putu prema gore i veselim se vraćanju kući, ali ipak se volimo zalijepiti za onaj jedan trenutak blaženstva kad smo se tek popeli na vrh. Ljepota pogleda je dugo-očekivani tren kojeg se dugo držimo, dok ne izblijedi. Vrh, vrh, vrh. Prije penjanja mu se veselimo. Kad smo se popeli, uživamo u svakom trenu koji nam iskustvo vrha daje. Pri spuštanju i naknadno, još se držimo trenutaka samog vrhunca. Iskustvo vrha je toliko kratkoročno, toliko maleno, većinom kao neko daleko sjećanje, blijedi osjećaj kratkoročnog užitka. Ili mu se veselimo, ili ga se sjećamo sa sjetom.

Moj vrhunac je bio stabilan život, životni partner (i partner u razbojništvu), dobro radno okruženje, stalna plaća i dugoročni projekt. I vidi vraga, dobila sam sve to. Vrhunac je to kratkoročno mjestašce; dok je put prije i poslije 100 puta dugotrajniji i važniji. 

Što uopće znači dosegnuti vrhunac – te sekunde kada se uselim na lokaciju na kojoj ću može-bitno ostati neko vrijeme, tog trena kad primim svoju prvu stalnu plaću, te minute kada mi partner kaže: ‘ostajem neko vrijeme’?

U zadnje vrijeme koristim riječ na čiji spomen sam se znala ježiti: flow. Možda je tu malo utjecaj grada u kojem živim, u nadi da ću tu ostati neko vrijeme, koji se zove Rijeka (čiji je moto: grad koji teče). Odjednom osjećam taj neki flow. Osjećam ga, mogu ga nanjušiti, i ne pokušavam ga nigdje preusmjeriti, niti sama otići u drugom smjeru. Prava istina je ta da sam sve te manevre isprobala ranije, boreći se sama sa sobom i sa svima drugima. Morala nam nešto NAPRAVITI. Morala sam DJELOVATI. Morala sam ZNATI. Željela sam KONTROLIRATI. Nije tu baš bilo pomoći, tvrdoglavo sam, bračko dite. 

Moje tijelo je jasno i glasno reklo, vokabularom poveće boli: NE. STANI. ODMORI. UPOMOĆ!

Nisam imala izbora, nego poslušati. Rekla sam: OK. Stala sam, odmorila, i pomogla svom tijelu.

Upravo tada se sve dogodilo. Stala sam. Odmarala sam. Nisam čekala da mi nešto bude dano, dostavljeno pred mene. Krenula sam u smjerovima u kojim sam se htjela kretati, bez očekivanja. Tada su se stvari pokrenule same. Nisam bila zabrinuta za novce, smještaj, hranu (Bog blagoslovio majku, ona je utočište u svakom smislu te riječi.) Mogla sam odmoriti. Bila sam zbrinuta. Mogla sam raditi što sam osjećala da želim, bez očekivanja određenih rezultata. A rezultati su došli. Došlo je puno više od ičeg što sam očekivala.

Godine agonije i brige i nesigurnosti zbog nemanja ‘normalnog’ života – su polako počele blijediti. Iz ovog kuta djeluju kao da su jako daleko. Osjećam da sam dobila sve što sam ikada željela. Sada sam malo veća. Malo se osjećam sigurnije. Malo više voljeno… Doživjela sam svoj vrhunac. Sada mogu vidjeti sve nove planine na koje ću se popeti i s kojih ću sići. 

Ide se dalje. Nijedan vrhunac nije kraj.

Nove planine uvijek djeluju veće i strašnije. Na ovu sam se popela, pa se zasigurno mogu popeti na još koju. Možda postajem preozbiljna, izlazim polako iz tridesetih – ne mogu se više pretvarati da sam klinka. Iako jesam. I namjeravam ostati klinka. Do kraja! Nikada se ne uozbiljiti. Bez obzira na veličinu odgovornosti.

Još jedna stvar koju sada razumijem, je da nam preuzimanje odgovornosti uistinu daje osjećaj unutarnje slobode. Osjećam veliku slobodu kada postoje stvari za koje sam samo ja odgovorna. Nitko mi ne drži leđa. Trebam se brinuti za sebe. I za druge. Mislim da sam malo manje sebična, bar se tako osjećam. Tu sam za onoga kome je potrebno. Mislim da sam se nekada pretvarala da sam nesebična, dok sam istovremeno sebično gledala samo svoje potrebe i želje. Sada vidim ako imaš druge oko sebe, trebaš prilagoditi svoje potrebe njihovim potrebama – i to je začudo veliko olakšanje. Predivna prilika za davati. 

Zašto su roditelji sretni ljudi? Čak i u teškim trenucima, neprospavanim noćima i satima i satima brige, često se glupavo smiješe. Nemaju drugog izbora, nego davati svojoj djeci – svoje vrijeme, svoju brigu, dijeliti svoju materijalnu sigurnost. Osjećamo se najbolje kada imamo priliku davati. Dok dajemo, osjećamo se naj-ispunjenije. Vau! Nevjerojatno, zar ne?

Ljudsko srce i um su u suprotnosti, ali jednom kad uloviš suprotnosti, blaženstvo se budi.

Čega se grčevito držiš, odmaknut će se od tebe. Što otpustiš, doći će ti.

Čini se da sam bar nešto napokon otpustila.

Njegovo ime nije važno, odakle je nije važno, kako je prije živio je nevažno. Važnost se nalazi u toj divnoj planini na koju se krećemo penjati zajedno. Ruku pod ruku. Zajedno. Dvoje kao jedan. Mnogo kao dvoje. Na kraju krajeva, 2 plus 2 je -> 5. Kada se dvije energije usklade i postanu poput jedne, rezultat je veći od logičnog zbroja. 

Ja sam rekla: Znala sam da postojiš, samo nisam znala da će biti ovako dobro.

On je rekao: Nadao sam se da postojiš, ali nisam znao. Sad znam.

Osim što sam dobila najljepši poklon kojem sam se dugo nadala, sklad i ljepotu zajedništva, dobila sam i bonus poklon – dijete. Njegovu kćer? Nije ni njegova, ni majčina, ni moja. Djeca nisu ničija, nego svoja. Družimo se, grlimo se, volimo i rastemo svi skupa. 

Kada lavina krene, ne staje. Tako sam dobila još nekoliko poklona. Jedan od njih je povjerenje Učitelja da vodim europsku školu yoge. Sri Sri School of Yoga. Gospođa Direktorica, molim lijepo. 

Jedan dan si klinka u sobi s džeparcem, sutradan si žena, majka, direktorica. 

Tko bi se tome nadao? Osjećala sam da do svega toga treba doći, ali mi se po putu činilo da možda samo sanjam. Nisam sanjala, nekako sam znala. Obeshrabrila sam se petsto milijuna puta u međuvremenu, ali sam nekako ipak ustrajala.

Sad su planine drugačije, ali su i dalje tu. Zato, put pod noge i idemo dalje. FORCA!