Another cocoon is falling off, and I’m back here to narrate the process. I have a definite need to share views and experiences. I need to get naked. Exposed. Showcase a slideshow of my own true colours. My indignities. Get the dirty stuff out there and come out clean.

This topic is currently the most difficult one for me. YOLO! It is… Body Image.

Let’s start this chronically and statistically, as I like to drawer and shelf myself. In order to process: I dissect, examine, sew up and tend to the wound.

CHRONO-LOGY
As a toddler, I had curly, bright blond hair, and a boyish, hard-to-tell-I-was-a-girl air about me. Definite androgyny at toddler age.

I was Twiggy skinny as a kid. I would lift my T-shirt and show off my ribcage to the astounded audience in our street.

My womanly curves started to show later than everybody else’s. I was close to 14 years old, 183cm tall (6foot2), but reduced to about 178cm for hunching over. I had a 43 EU-sized foot. Until my teen age, I would choose to eat only white bread with marmalade, soups and battered chicken. But, in the years after my teens, I started to devour anything and everything. My thighs grew much larger than the familiar toothpicks-for-legs I was used to.

I grew into my 20s keeping a diet that kept me from developing more curves. It boiled down to substance abuse. Excellent diet. No fuss.

Come 30s, drugs out of the picture, and no proper food habits installed, this is what happened next. My first vegetarian meals consisted of over-steamed vegetables. I was getting my daily nutrients from cottage cheese and dark chocolate. A mild success.

A bit later, practice made me a good cook. I was well informed about the dos and don’ts specific to my constitution, according to Ayurveda. I gathered enough information on vegetarian supplementation, combined with workout programs and a few tips on different diets/fasting etc.

TODAY ARRIVES TOO SOON
Today I can say I know my food. Understand my bodily needs. I implement not – all the amazing knowledge I have collected.

Being so skinny in the first part of my life, my body image was based on my physical skills of acrobatics, climbing trees, doing splits and running around showing off my ribs; it was difficult to deal with my growing thighs and famously plump bottom. I still saw myself as the skinny giraffe girl, yet the mirror and scales kept telling me something different.

TOO…SOMETHING
Body shaming. You are supposed to not be ashamed of your body being too large or too skinny or ‘too something’ adjectives. Yet, the bony image of all huge stars today speaks a different story. Don’t be ashamed of your body, but at the same time – You try not to want to look like all the ultra-skinny, super-flexible majority of yoga teachers and practitioners.

Am I not exercising enough? Obviously. Can I make myself exercise more? Surely. Can I take my diet changes even further? Always. Shall I implement all these wonderful changes? Instantly! With the help of a friend, an email challenge, and app, a trainer, a Guru? You name it, everything is available today.

Yet it seems, the more devices we come up with, the more health and body image problems we get. Where we put our energy – that grows. The body image problem is growing.

HE IS AWARE – AM I?
The last couple of times I was addressed by my Guru, went something like: ‘Hi Gordana. Oh, you’ve lost too much weight’, and ‘Don’t lose any more’, while waving his index finger at me. How on Earth did he know I was just about to increase my training hours and decrease my food intake, and implement a keto diet for a month? These conversations happened on Zoom. He saw just my face and a bit of my shoulders, so how did he know?

When your Guru implies ANYTHING at all, you look into it. It is not for nothing. So, I stopped for a moment and addressed the obsession with my body. I was unhappy with not having less layers. My food was not satisfactory healthy and moderate. I was not training enough or doing enough yoga. I felt I was not hot enough for my partner.

HALF WAY THERE!
Gurudev says when you become aware of something, it is already half resolved. Well done G! Well done Gurudev and well done Gordana. Halfway there, yay!

Are you catching the catch? The catch is to constantly be aware of changing bad habits and implementing new good ones. It is a constant game called: quality of life. And it’s played all day, every day – till the end of this life. Then into the next one.

Even Guru is pushing forward CONSTANTLY. Awareness should not be put aside. It can be, though. I know where my lack of awareness takes me. You tell me where it takes you.

IT’S ABOUT ME AND YOU
But, let’s not make all this about the Guru, this story is about me and about you. Facing challenges every moment of our waking lives.

Sometimes, a moment arrives, when I cannot be the best version of myself, super productive, active, available. I can only not be all that.  

Then the blame game kicks in. If only I had…then I would be different. The only change comes from acceptance of what is, first. If we fight and resist the now, we are not able to relax and see what really needs to be done. We keep fighting our own bodies.

STEPS OUT
1.     Acceptance.
2.     Seeing clearly what is in our power to change.
3.     Making the change little by little, taking time and space. Determination.
4.     Include a lot of love. There will definitely be pain as well. Therefor the love.

Take the steps again and again and again. Call it life.