THE ISSUE

A year ago, was when I first experienced a strange change in my birthmark. I call it “my birthmark” because I was born with it and always felt it special. I was a new born baby, and half of my tiny head was covered in this huge birthmark of a purplish colour. I was told it was a “mother’s wish.” I hope it came true, mommy!

It got infected without any obvious reason. I was trying to keep it healthy, but nothing was helping until I used an antibiotic-infused cream. This repeated several times, so I got worried and went to get it checked. It took an entire year of specialist check-ups and opinions until I was suggested to simply remove the whole birthmark.

It was not suggested it was malignant, and it turned out it was not, but the changes were inexplicably strange, and Western medicine judged it to be removed. I simply felt it should be done. I got an appointment for the operation, and that was it.

I suddenly realised I was somehow not ready for it, it all happened so quickly, and it was all too soon. I had no idea how long the recovery would take, and what exactly would be done.

The rescheduling became a complex process of having to change several appointments. It took about 3 hours walking from door to door to end up having 2 date changes until a final date was appointed to me.

Only later, did I realize that the final date of the surgery was exactly on the 2-year anniversary of my father’s death. I kept wondering at the Universe and its great sense of humour.

I remembered my dad showing me a much smaller purplish skin change coming up on his head, as he joked that he has developed the same birthmark as mine. We were connected by something again.

The same evening, we watched a film at home. There was a notion of receiving a tickle from a ghost — when something unusual happens, that reminds you of a deceased person. This was my huge ghost tickle.

I have not forgotten the date. That is for sure. Now it is even more etched into my consciousness.

THE SURGERY

The date came, and I went to the hospital. If you can say a surgery went well — it went really well. Everything was really, really nice — the head shaving was fun, the preparation was easy; all the nurses, and different doctors introduced themselves and made me feel really safe and comfortable.

They have removed the birthmark, but as it is quite big (cca. 4x4cm), so it needed some extra skin to cover it, it was transplanted from my collarbone area.

After the surgery, like in the movies, I cried, “More morphine!” and it was provided. I stayed in the hospital until the evening and was then taken home.

The next week I was mostly drugged up on painkillers. It took me another week to gather my strength back. This being the fourth week, I am slowly going back to normal.

To begin with, I could not do any of my usual practice. I could do only one. I would do my silent mantra japa, it would knock me out, and I would sleep soundly. Any other practice of any kind: breathing, other mantra meditations, holding mudras – I would just feel it so intently in the cut places.

I had to somehow accept I could not do any. It was not easy to let go of my attachment to my practice.

THE COPING

The doctor, with all conviction, informed me I would be doing yoga in 2 weeks. A month later – I am far from doing yoga. I can do a limited number of simple movements. But my mobility, stamina, and strength are improving every day.

For a moment, it was a weak body and delicate mind. My ability to manage people, thoughts, problems also diminished. My nervous system became very soft. Much more delicate than usual.

Definitely not an easy experience. Filled with jokes and fun to ease the hardship — of course! With enormous support from my partner, my mom, family and friends.

THE LEARNING

What I learned is that life sometimes slows you down for no apparent reason. The slowing down seems to be a pain, but in the current circumstances, it was a long-due (mental) rest for me.

What may be the hardest for me is to let go — to let go of work and responsibilities. To let go of assisting others, let go of being involved in everything, let go of being available, of being active.

Now, I am actively finding ways how to transfer attention from everything and everyone else and put myself as priority, until the moment comes, when I am ready to be there for others in full, and not half or quarter capacity.

THE REWARD

As I was bedridden, I could not travel. Rarely when Gurudev comes to Europe that I am not there. Yet somehow, he manages to stay close. My sister showed him my picture just after the surgery, a very dear friend and colleague told him about me, and finally another yogi buddy made it possible for him to say hello and wave at me on video. In that moment I felt as if something touched me sharply – directly in the heart. I could feel it became bigger and more open. As if taking a long breath in after holding your breath under water. It felt invigorating.

Another very dear friend just contacted me out of the blue, and suggested I go for a particular therapy session, and I did (for those who know, it was CST). That gave me such an energy boost in such a short time. I could start going out for walks.

And finally, I had the opportunity to help (as translator) for the New Year’s program. I could sit and rest and meditate with Gurudev every day.

It is just miraculous how nature provides and nurtures whenever it’s needed. I had family and friends visit, when I was well enough to spend time with them, but could not go out yet. My partner got sick at the exact moment I was already able to cater to him.

If I could imagine, plan and draw every moment of life, I could not do it as perfectly as life makes it. An experience, a learning behind every little thing. A flow of events and care whenever it is needed. Miraculous.

Happy holidays to you all. Enjoy the last few days of the beautiful rest with all its experiences.

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PROBLEM

Prije godinu dana, prvi put sam doživjela čudnu promjenu na svom madežu. Zovem ga “moj madež” jer sam rođena s njim i uvijek sam ga osjećala posebnim. Bila sam novorođenče, a polovina moje male glavice bila je prekrivena ovim ogromnim madežom ljubičaste boje. Rečeno mi je da je to “mamina želja.” Nadam se da se ostvarila, mamice!

Upalio se bez očiglednog razloga. Pokušavala sam ga održavati zdravim, ali ništa nije pomoglo sve dok nisam koristila kremu s antibioticima. To se ponovilo nekoliko puta, pa sam se zabrinula i odlučila provjeriti. Prošla su cijela godina specijalističkih pregleda i mišljenja dok mi nisu predložili da jednostavno uklonim cijeli madež.

Nije sugerirano da je zloćudan, i ispostavilo se da nije, ali promjene su neobjašnjivo čudne, pa je zapadna medicina preporučila uklanjanje. Osjećala sam da to treba učiniti. Dobila sam termin za operaciju, i to je bilo to.

Naglo sam shvatila da nisam bila spremna za to, sve se dogodilo tako brzo. Nisam imala pojma koliko će oporavak trajati i što će točno biti učinjeno.

Ponovno zakazivanje postalo je složen proces promjene nekoliko termina. Trebalo mi je oko 3 sata hodanja od vrata do vrata kako bih promijenila 2 datuma prije nego što mi je određen konačni datum.

Tek kasnije sam shvatila da je datum operacije bio točno na drugu godišnjicu smrti mog oca. Promatrala sam univerzum i njegov veliki smisao za humor.

Sjećam se kako mi je tata pokazao mnogo manju promjenu purpurne boje koja mu se pojavila na glavi, šalio se da je razvio isti madež kao i ja. Ponovno smo bili povezani nečim.

Iste večeri, gledali smo film kod kuće. Pojavila se ta ideja dobivanja poruke od duha – kada se nešto neobično dogodi, a podsjeća vas na preminulu osobu. To je bila jedna velika poruka od duha.

Nisam zaboravila datum. To je sigurno. Sada je još dublje urezan u moju svijest.

OPERACIJA

Datum je došao, otišla sam u bolnicu. Ako mogu reći da je operacija prošla dobro – prošla je stvarno dobro. Sve je bilo stvarno, stvarno lijepo – brijanje glave bilo je zabavno, priprema je bila laka; svi medicinski radnici, sestre i različiti liječnici predstavili su se i učinili da se osjećam stvarno sigurno i ugodno.

Uklonjen je madež, ali budući da je prilično velik (cca. 4×4 cm), trebalo je malo dodatne kože da ga prekrije, presađena s područja ključne kosti.

Nakon operacije, kao u filmovima, plakala sam: “Još morfija!” i dobila sam ga. Ostala sam u bolnici do večeri, a zatim su me odvezli kući.

Sljedeći tjedan većinu vremena provela sam pod utjecajem analgetika. Trebalo mi je još jedan tjedan da skupim snagu. Sada je četvrti tjedan, polako se vraćam u normalu.

Na početku nisam mogla raditi svoje uobičajene prakse. Mogla sam raditi samo jednu stvar – tihu mantru japa. Bilo koji drugi oblik prakse: disanje, druge mantre meditacije, držanje mudri – osjećala sam to intenzivno na mjestima rezanja.

Nekako sam morala prihvatiti da ne mogu raditi ništa drugo. Nije bilo lako pustiti vezanost za svoju praksu.

NOŠENJE S POSLJEDICAMA

Doktorica mi je s uvjerenjem rekla da ću raditi jogu za 2 tjedna.

Još nisam sposobna za jogu. Mogu raditi ograničen broj jednostavnih pokreta. Kapacitet se povećava svakim danom.

Sve u svemu – slabo tijelo i delikatan um. S obzirom da je glava bila podvrgnuta operaciji, moja sposobnost suočavanja s ljudima, mislima, problemima također se smanjila. Moj živčani sustav postao je vrlo osjetljiv. Mnogo osjetljiviji nego inače.

Definitivno nije bilo lako iskustvo. Ispunjeno šalama i zabavom kako bi se olakšao napor – naravno! S ogromnom podrškom od partnera, mame i obitelji, osjećala sam se zaista voljenom i maženom.

UČENJE

Ono što sam naučila je da život ponekad usporava bez očitog razloga. Usporavanje se čini bolnim, ali u trenutnim okolnostima to je dugoočekivani (mentalni) odmor za mene.

Ono što mi je možda najteže je pustiti – otpustiti posao i odgovornosti. Otpustiti pomoć drugima, odustati od sudjelovanja u svemu, odustati od dostupnosti, od biti stalno aktivna.

Sada aktivno tražim načine kako preusmjeriti pažnju sa svega i svih drugih i postaviti sebe kao prioritet, sve do trenutka kad budem spremna biti tu za druge u punom kapacitetu, a ne samo na pola ili četvrt.

NAGRADA

Kako sam ležala, nisam mogla putovati. Rijetko kad Gurudev dođe u Europu, a da ja nisam tamo. Sestra mu je pokazala moju sliku odmah nakon operacije, draga prijateljica i kolegica mu je pričala o meni, a drugi prijatelj yogi mu je omogućio da me pozdravi i mahne na video pozivu. U tom trenu sam osjetila nešto oštro – ravno u srce. Osjećala sam se osvježeno kao da sam udahnula nakon zadržavanja daha pod vodom.

Još jedan dragi prijatelj me kontaktirao iznenada i predložio da idem na određenu terapiju (za one koji znaju, bila je to CST). To mi je dalo energetski poticaj u jako kratkom vremenu. Mogla sam izaći vani, šetati.

Na kraju, imala sam priliku pomoći (kao prevoditelj) na online programu za Novu godinu. Mogla sam sjediti, odmarati se i meditirati s Gurudevom svaki dan.

To je jednostavno čudesno kako priroda pruža i njeguje kad god je potrebno. Imala sam posjete obitelji i prijatelja kad sam bila dovoljno dobro da provedem vrijeme s njima, ali još uvijek nisam mogla izlaziti. Moj partner je obolio u točno onom trenutku kada sam već bila sposobna brinuti se za njega.

Da mogu zamisliti i nacrtati svaki trenutak, ne bih ga mogla nacrtati savršenije nego što to život čini. Iskustvo, učenje iza svake male stvari. Savršeni tijek događaja i briga kad god je potrebno. Čudesno.

Sretan blagdani svima. Uživajte u posljednjim danima predivnog odmora sa svim iskustvima koje donosi.